The Country Wife

Act V

Scene I

Pinchwife’s House.

	Enter Pinchwife* and Mrs. Pinchwife. A table and candle.*
Pinchwife	Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended; if you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you as you deserve.⁠—Lays his hand on his sword. Write what was to follow⁠—let’s see⁠—“You must make haste, and help me away before tomorrow, or else I shall be forever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our”⁠—What follows “our”?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Must all out, then, bud?⁠—Look you there, then. Mrs. Pinchwife takes the pen and writes.
Pinchwife	Let’s see⁠—“For I can defer no longer our⁠—wedding⁠—Your slighted Alithea.”⁠—What’s the meaning of this? my sister’s name to’t? speak, unriddle.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Yes, indeed, bud.
Pinchwife	But why her name to’t? speak⁠—speak, I say.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Ay, but you’ll tell her then again. If you would not tell her again⁠—
Pinchwife	I will not:⁠—I am stunned, my head turns round.⁠—Speak.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Won’t you tell her, indeed, and indeed?
Pinchwife	No; speak, I say.
Mrs. Pinchwife	She’ll be angry with me; but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud; and, to tell you the truth, ’twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write.
Pinchwife	Aside. Ha!⁠—I thought the style was somewhat better than her own.⁠—Aloud. Could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone?
Mrs. Pinchwife	O, through the keyhole, bud.
Pinchwife	But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Why, she said because⁠—for I was unwilling to do it⁠—
Pinchwife	Because what⁠—because?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Because, lest Mr. Horner should be cruel, and refuse her; or be vain afterwards, and show the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.
Pinchwife	Aside. How’s this? Ha!⁠—then I think I shall come to myself again.⁠—This changeling could not invent this lie: but if she could, why should she? she might think I should soon discover it.⁠—Stay⁠—now I think on’t too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish; and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner’s sake: yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools; women may well be so⁠—Aloud. But hark you, madam, your sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Alack-a-day, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.
Pinchwife	Where is she? let me speak with her.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Aside. O Lord, then she’ll discover all!⁠—Aloud. Pray hold, bud; what, d’ye mean to discover me? she’ll know I have told you then. Pray, bud, let me talk with her first.
Pinchwife	I must speak with her, to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Pray, dear bud, don’t, till I have spoken with her, and told her that I have told you all; for she’ll kill me else.
Pinchwife	Go then, and bid her come out to me.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Yes, yes, bud.
Pinchwife	Let me see⁠—Pausing.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Aside. I’ll go, but she is not within to come to him: I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next; for I am e’en at my wit’s end.
	Exit.
Pinchwife	Well, I resolve it, Horner shall have her: I’d rather give him my sister than lend him my wife; and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I’ll make him of kin to her, and then he won’t care for her.
	Reenter Mrs. Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinchwife	O Lord, bud! I told you what anger you would make me with my sister.
Pinchwife	Won’t she come hither?
Mrs. Pinchwife	No, no. Lack-a-day, she’s ashamed to look you in the face: and she says, if you go in to her, she’ll run away downstairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr. Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says; and she will have no other, so she won’t.
Pinchwife	Did he so?⁠—promise her marriage!⁠—then she shall have no other. Go tell her so; and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go.⁠—
	Exit Mrs. Pinchwife.
	His estate is equal to Sparkish’s, and his extraction as much better than his, as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I’d rather be akin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold.
	Reenter Mrs. Pinchwife.
	Well, what says she now?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Why, she says, she would only have you lead her to Horner’s lodging; with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talks with you, which yet she cannot do; for alack, poor creature, she says she can’t so much as look you in the face, therefore she’ll come to you in a mask. And you must excuse her, if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr. Horner; and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she’ll come out to you immediately.
Pinchwife	Let her come: I will not speak a word to her, nor require a word from her.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Oh, I forgot: besides she says, she cannot look you in the face, though through a mask; therefore would desire you to put out the candle.
Pinchwife	I agree to all. Let her make haste.⁠—There, ’tis out⁠—
	Puts out the candle. Exit Mrs. Pinchwife.
	My case is something better: I’d rather fight with Horner for not lying with my sister, than for lying with my wife; and of the two, I had rather find my sister too forward than my wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the town. Well, wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty, pleasure and comfort; but we find ’em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently, troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our sisters as to keep ’em from lying with our wives.
	Reenter Mrs. Pinchwife* masked, and in hoods and scarfs, and a nightgown and petticoat of Alithea’s.*
	What, are you come, sister? let us go then.⁠—But first, let me lock up my wife. Mrs. Margery, where are you?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Here, bud.
Pinchwife	Come hither, that I may lock you up: get you in.⁠—Locks the door. Come, sister, where are you now? Mrs. Pinchwife gives him her hand; but when he lets her go, she steals softly on to the other side of him, and is led away by him for his Sister, Alithea.

Scene II

Horner’s Lodging.

	Horner and Quack.
Quack	What, all alone? not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.
Horner	Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is but his wife’s spy, and is more upon family duty when he is with her gallant abroad, hindering his pleasure, than when he is at home with her playing the gallant. But the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is keeping her husband company always.
Quack	And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers.
Horner	A pox! keeping a cuckold company, after you have had his wife, is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town, when he has got all his money.
Quack	And as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband.
Horner	Ay, most cuckold-makers are true courtiers; when once a poor man has cracked his credit for ’em, they can’t abide to come near him.
Quack	But at first, to draw him in, are so sweet, so kind, so dear! just as you are to Pinchwife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his wife?
Horner	A pox! he’s as surly as an alderman that has been bit; and since he’s so coy, his wife’s kindness is in vain, for she’s a silly innocent.
Quack	Did she not send you a letter by him?
Horner	Yes; but that’s a riddle I have not yet solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close⁠—
Quack	Yes, so close, that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love; which two, when met, seldom fail of satisfying each other one way or other.
Horner	What! here’s the man we are talking of, I think.
	Enter Pinchwife, leading in his Wife* masked, muffled, and in her Sister’s gown.*
	Pshaw!
Quack	Bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love-letter from her.
Horner	What means this?
Pinchwife	The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love-letter; now, you see, a mistress; I think you’ll say I am a civil man to you.
Horner	Ay, the devil take me, will I say thou art the civilest man I ever met with; and I have known some. I fancy I understand thee now better than I did the letter. But, hark thee, in thy ear⁠—
Pinchwife	What?
Horner	Nothing but the usual question, man: is she sound, on thy word?
Pinchwife	What, you take her for a wench, and me for a pimp?
Horner	Pshaw! wench and pimp, paw14 words; I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me, rather than let me make love to thy wife.
Pinchwife	Come, sir, in short, I am for no fooling.
Horner	Nor I neither: therefore prithee, let’s see her face presently. Make her show, man: art thou sure I don’t know her?
Pinchwife	I am sure you do know her.
Horner	A pox! why dost thou bring her to me then?
Pinchwife	Because she’s a relation of mine⁠—
Horner	Is she, faith, man? then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear rogue.
Pinchwife	Who desired me to bring her to you.
Horner	Then she is obliging, dear rogue.
Pinchwife	You’ll make her welcome for my sake, I hope.
Horner	I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask.
Pinchwife	Do you speak to her; she would never be ruled by me.
Horner	Madam⁠—Mrs. Pinchwife whispers to Horner. She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.
Pinchwife	Aside. She’s unwilling, it seems, I should know all her indecent conduct in this business⁠—Aloud. Well then, I’ll leave you together, and hope when I am gone, you’ll agree; if not, you and I shan’t agree, sir.
Horner	What means the fool? if she and I agree ’tis no matter what you and I do. Whispers to Mrs. Pinchwife, who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone.
Pinchwife	In the meantime I’ll fetch a parson, and find out Sparkish, and disabuse him. You would have me fetch a parson, would you not? Well then⁠—now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her⁠—our sisters and daughters, like usurers’ money, are safest when put out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe, but in our closets under lock and key.
	Exit.
	Enter Boy.
Boy	Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up.
	Exit.
Horner	Here’s the trouble of a cuckold now we are talking of. A pox on him! has he not enough to do to hinder his wife’s sport, but he must other women’s too?⁠—Step in here, madam.
	Exit Mrs. Pinchwife.
	Enter Sir Jasper Fidget.
Sir Jasper	My best and dearest friend.
Horner	Aside to Quack. The old style, doctor.⁠—Aloud. Well, be short, for I am busy. What would your impertinent wife have now?
Sir Jasper	Well guessed, i’faith; for I do come from her.
Horner	To invite me to supper! Tell her, I can’t come; go.
Sir Jasper	Nay, now you are out, faith; for my lady, and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you tonight in masquerade, and are all dressed already.
Horner	I shan’t be at home.
Sir Jasper	Aside. Lord, how churlish he is to women!⁠—Aloud. Nay, prithee don’t disappoint ’em; they’ll think ’tis my fault: prithee don’t. I’ll send in the banquet and the fiddles. But make no noise on’t; for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known, for the world, that they go a-masquerading; and they would come to no man’s ball but yours.
Horner	Well, well⁠—get you gone; and tell ’em, if they come, ’twill be at the peril of their honour and yours.
Sir Jasper	He! he! he!⁠—we’ll trust you for that: farewell.
	Exit.
Horner	Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest, But now I’m going to a private feast.
	Exeunt.

Scene III

The Piazza of Covent Garden.

	Enter Sparkish* with a letter in his hand, Pinchwife following.*
Sparkish	But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me? By the world, I could not have thought it.
Pinchwife	You were for giving and taking liberty: she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.
Sparkish	Nay, if this be her hand⁠—for I never saw it.
Pinchwife	’Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no; I am sure this hand, at her desire, led her to Mr. Horner, with whom I left her just now, to go fetch a parson to ’em at their desire too, to deprive you of her forever; for it seems yours was but a mock marriage.
Sparkish	Indeed, she would needs have it that ’twas Harcourt himself, in a parson’s habit, that married us; but I’m sure he told me ’twas his brother Ned.
Pinchwife	O, there ’tis out; and you were deceived, not she: for you are such a frank person. But I must be gone.⁠—You’ll find her at Mr. Horner’s. Go, and believe your eyes.
	Exit.
Sparkish	Nay, I’ll to her, and call her as many crocodiles, sirens, harpies, and other heathenish names, as a poet would do a mistress who had refused to hear his suit, nay more, his verses on her.⁠—But stay, is not that she following a torch at t’other end of the Piazza? and from Horner’s certainly⁠—’tis so.
	Enter Alithea* following a torch, and Lucy behind.*
	You are well met, madam, though you don’t think so. What, you have made a short visit to Mr. Horner? but I suppose you’ll return to him presently, by that time the parson can be with him.
Alithea	Mr. Horner and the parson, sir!
Sparkish	Come, madam, no more dissembling, no more jilting; for I am no more a frank person.
Alithea	How’s this?
Lucy	So, ’twill work, I see. Aside.
Sparkish	Could you find out no easy country fool to abuse? none but me, a gentleman of wit and pleasure about the town? But it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman! false as a friend that lends a man money to lose; false as dice, who undo those that trust all they have to ’em.
Lucy	He has been a great bubble, by his similes, as they say. Aside.
Alithea	You have been too merry, sir, at your wedding-dinner, sure.
Sparkish	What, d’ye mock me too?
Alithea	Or you have been deluded.
Sparkish	By you.
Alithea	Let me understand you.
Sparkish	Have you the confidence, (I should call it something else, since you know your guilt,) to stand my just reproaches? you did not write an impudent letter to Mr. Horner? who I find now has clubbed with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not, forsooth, suspect him for my rival.
Lucy	D’ye think the gentleman can be jealous now, madam? Aside.
Alithea	I write a letter to Mr. Horner!
Sparkish	Nay, madam, do not deny it. Your brother showed it me just now; and told me likewise, he left you at Horner’s lodging to fetch a parson to marry you to him; and I wish you joy, madam, joy, joy; and to him too, much joy; and to myself more joy, for not marrying you.
Alithea	Aside. So, I find my brother would break off the match; and I can consent to’t, since I see this gentleman can be made jealous.⁠—Aloud. O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousy, he makes me almost afraid I am married to him. Art thou sure ’twas Harcourt himself, and no parson, that married us?
Sparkish	No, madam, I thank you. I suppose, that was a contrivance too of Mr. Horner’s and yours, to make Harcourt play the parson; but I would as little as you have him one now, no, not for the world. For, shall I tell you another truth? I never had any passion for you till now, for now I hate you. ’Tis true, I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the town do sometimes; and so, your servant. And to show my unconcernedness, I’ll come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy, as I would a stale wench to a new cully; nay, with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you. There’s for you; and so your servant, servant.
	Exit.
Alithea	How was I deceived in a man!
Lucy	You’ll believe then a fool may be made jealous now? for that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a wife, will likewise permit him to be persuaded against her by others.
Alithea	But marry Mr. Horner! my brother does not intend it, sure: if I thought he did, I would take thy advice, and Mr. Harcourt for my husband. And now I wish, that if there be any over-wise woman of the town, who, like me, would marry a fool for fortune, liberty, or title, first, that her husband may love play, and be a cully to all the town but her, and suffer none but Fortune to be mistress of his purse; then, if for liberty, that he may send her into the country, under the conduct of some huswifely mother-in-law; and if for title, may the world give ’em none but that of cuckold.
Lucy	And for her greater curse, madam, may he not deserve it.
Alithea	Away, impertinent! Is not this my old Lady Lanterlu’s?15
Lucy	Yes, madam.⁠—Aside. And here I hope we shall find Mr. Harcourt.
	Exeunt.

Scene IV

Horner’s Lodging. A table, banquet, and bottles.

	Enter Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish.
Horner	A pox! they are come too soon⁠—before I have sent back my new mistress. All that I have now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her. Aside.
Lady Fidget	That we may be sure of our welcome, we have brought our entertainment with us, and are resolved to treat thee, dear toad.
Mrs. Dainty	And that we may be merry to purpose, have left Sir Jasper and my old Lady Squeamish, quarrelling at home at backgammon.
Mrs. Squeamish	Therefore let us make use of our time, lest they should chance to interrupt us.
Lady Fidget	Let us sit then.
Horner	First, that you may be private, let me lock this door and that, and I’ll wait upon you presently.
Lady Fidget	No, sir, shut ’em only, and your lips forever; for we must trust you as much as our women.
Horner	You know all vanity’s killed in me; I have no occasion for talking.
Lady Fidget	Now, ladies, supposing we had drank each of us our two bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.
Mrs. Dainty and Mrs. Squeamish	Agreed.
Lady Fidget	By this brimmer, for truth is nowhere else to be found⁠—Aside to Horner. not in thy heart, false man!
Horner	You have found me a true man, I’m sure. Aside to Lady Fidget.
Lady Fidget	Aside to Horner. Not every way.⁠—But let us sit and be merry. Sings. Why should our damned tyrants oblige us to live On the pittance of pleasure which they only give? We must not rejoice With wine and with noise: In vain we must wake in a dull bed alone, Whilst to our warm rival the bottle they’re gone. Then lay aside charms, And take up these arms.16 ’Tis wine only gives ’em their courage and wit; Because we live sober, to men we submit. If for beauties you’d pass, Take a lick of the glass, ’Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone, The best red we have is the red of the grape: Then, sisters, lay’t on, And damn a good shape.
Mrs. Dainty	Dear brimmer! Well, in token of our openness and plain-dealing, let us throw our masks over our heads.
Horner	So, ’twill come to the glasses anon. Aside.
Mrs. Squeamish	Lovely brimmer! let me enjoy him first.
Lady Fidget	No, I never part with a gallant till I’ve tried him. Dear brimmer! that makest our husbands shortsighted.
Mrs. Dainty	And our bashful gallants bold.
Mrs. Squeamish	And, for want of a gallant, the butler lovely in our eyes.⁠—Drink, eunuch.
Lady Fidget	Drink, thou representative of a husband.⁠—Damn a husband!
Mrs. Dainty	And, as it were a husband, an old keeper.
Mrs. Squeamish	And an old grandmother.
Horner	And an English bawd, and a French surgeon.
Lady Fidget	Ay, we have all reason to curse ’em.
Horner	For my sake, ladies?
Lady Fidget	No, for our own; for the first spoils all young gallants’ industry.
Mrs. Dainty	And the other’s art makes ’em bold only with common women.
Mrs. Squeamish	And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them, than of a denial amongst us.
Mrs. Dainty	The filthy toads choose mistresses now as they do stuffs, for having been fancied and worn by others.
Mrs. Squeamish	For being common and cheap.
Lady Fidget	Whilst women of quality, like the richest stuffs, lie untumbled, and unasked for.
Horner	Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think best.
Mrs. Dainty	No, sir, the beasts will be known by a mistress longer than by a suit.
Mrs. Squeamish	And ’tis not for cheapness neither.
Lady Fidget	No; for the vain fops will take up druggets, and embroider ’em. But I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men; they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation. Pray tell me, beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house for an entertainment, than to be the only guest at a good table.
Horner	Why, faith, ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent. People always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary, where every man is snatching for the best bit.
Lady Fidget	Though he get a cut over the fingers.⁠—But I have heard, that people eat most heartily of another man’s meat, that is, what they do not pay for.
Horner	When they are sure of their welcome and freedom; for ceremony in love and eating is as ridiculous as in fighting: falling on briskly is all should be done on those occasions.
Lady Fidget	Well then, let me tell you, sir, there is nowhere more freedom than in our houses; and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding; and a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolic, as gamesome, as wild as he will.
Horner	Han’t I heard you all declaim against wild men?
Lady Fidget	Yes; but for all that, we think wildness in a man as desirable a quality as in a duck or rabbit: a tame man! foh!
Horner	I know not, but your reputations frightened me as much as your faces invited me.
Lady Fidget	Our reputation! Lord, why should you not think that we women make use of our reputation, as you men of yours, only to deceive the world with less suspicion? Our virtue is like the statesman’s religion, the quaker’s word, the gamester’s oath, and the great man’s honour; but to cheat those that trust us.
Mrs. Squeamish	And that demureness, coyness, and modesty, that you see in our faces in the boxes at plays, is as much a sign of a kind woman, as a vizard-mask in the pit.
Mrs. Dainty	For, I assure you, women are least masked when they have the velvet vizard on.
Lady Fidget	You would have found us modest women in our denials only.
Mrs. Squeamish	Our bashfulness is only the reflection of the men’s.
Mrs. Dainty	We blush when they are shamefaced.
Horner	I beg your pardon, ladies, I was deceived in you devilishly. But why that mighty pretence to honour?
Lady Fidget	We have told you; but sometimes ’twas for the same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better and more privately those you love.
Horner	But why would you ne’er give a friend a wink then?
Lady Fidget	Faith, your reputation frightened us, as much as ours did you, you were so notoriously lewd.
Horner	And you so seemingly honest.
Lady Fidget	Was that all that deterred you?
Horner	And so expensive⁠—you allow freedom, you say.
Lady Fidget	Ay, ay.
Horner	That I was afraid of losing my little money, as well as my little time, both which my other pleasures required.
Lady Fidget	Money! foh! you talk like a little fellow now: do such as we expect money?
Horner	I beg your pardon, madam, I must confess, I have heard that great ladies, like great merchants, set but the higher prices upon what they have, because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer.
Mrs. Dainty	Such as we make sale of our hearts?
Mrs. Squeamish	We bribed for our love? foh!
Horner	With your pardon ladies, I know, like great men in offices, you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your followers; but you have receivers about you, and such fees to pay, a man is afraid to pass your grants. Besides, we must let you win at cards, or we lose your hearts; and if you make an assignation, ’tis at a goldsmith’s, jeweller’s, or china-house; where for your honour you deposit to him, he must pawn his to the punctual cit, and so paying for what you take up, pays for what he takes up.
Mrs. Dainty	Would you not have us assured of our gallants’ love?
Mrs. Squeamish	For love is better known by liberality than by jealousy.
Lady Fidget	For one may be dissembled, the other not.⁠—Aside. But my jealousy can be no longer dissembled, and they are telling ripe.⁠—Aloud.⁠—Come, here’s to our gallants in waiting, whom we must name, and I’ll begin. This is my false rogue. Claps him on the back.
Mrs. Squeamish	How!
Horner	So, all will out now. Aside.
Mrs. Squeamish	Did you not tell me, ’twas for my sake only you reported yourself no man? Aside to Horner.
Mrs. Dainty	Oh, wretch! did you not swear to me, ’twas for my love and honour you passed for that thing you do? Aside to Horner.
Horner	So, so.
Lady Fidget	Come, speak, ladies: this is my false villain.
Mrs. Squeamish	And mine too.
Mrs. Dainty	And mine.
Horner	Well then, you are all three my false rogues too, and there’s an end on’t.
Lady Fidget	Well then, there’s no remedy; sister sharers, let us not fall out, but have a care of our honour. Though we get no presents, no jewels of him, we are savers of our honour, the jewel of most value and use, which shines yet to the world unsuspected, though it be counterfeit.
Horner	Nay, and is e’en as good as if it were true, provided the world think so; for honour, like beauty now, only depends on the opinion of others.
Lady Fidget	Well, Harry Common, I hope you can be true to three. Swear; but ’tis to no purpose to require your oath, for you are as often forsworn as you swear to new women.
Horner	Come, faith, madam, let us e’en pardon one another; for all the difference I find betwixt we men and you women, we forswear ourselves at the beginning of an amour, you as long as it lasts.
	Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, and Old Lady Squeamish.
Sir Jasper	Oh, my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning, to come to Mr. Horner without me? but you have been nowhere else, I hope.
Lady Fidget	No, Sir Jasper.
Lady Squeamish	And you came straight hither, Biddy?
Mrs. Squeamish	Yes, indeed, lady grandmother.
Sir Jasper	’Tis well, ’tis well; I knew when once they were thoroughly acquainted with poor Horner, they’d ne’er be from him: you may let her masquerade it with my wife and Horner, and I warrant her reputation safe.
	Enter Boy.
Boy	O, sir, here’s the gentleman come, whom you bid me not suffer to come up, without giving you notice, with a lady too, and other gentlemen.
Horner	Do you all go in there, whilst I send ’em away; and, boy, do you desire ’em to stay below till I come, which shall be immediately.
	Exeunt Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Squeamish, and Mrs. Dainty Fidget.
Boy	Yes, sir.
	Exit.
	Exit Horner* at the other door, and returns with Mrs. Pinchwife.*
Horner	You would not take my advice, to be gone home before your husband came back, he’ll now discover all; yet pray, my dearest, be persuaded to go home, and leave the rest to my management; I’ll let you down the back way.
Mrs. Pinchwife	I don’t know the way home, so I don’t.
Horner	My man shall wait upon you.
Mrs. Pinchwife	No, don’t you believe that I’ll go at all; what, are you weary of me already?
Horner	No, my life, ’tis that I may love you long, ’tis to secure my love, and your reputation with your husband; he’ll never receive you again else.
Mrs. Pinchwife	What care I? d’ye think to frighten me with that? I don’t intend to go to him again; you shall be my husband now.
Horner	I cannot be your husband, dearest, since you are married to him.
Mrs. Pinchwife	O, would you make me believe that? Don’t I see every day at London here, women leave their first husbands, and go and live with other men as their wives? pish, pshaw! you’d make me angry, but that I love you so mainly.
Horner	So, they are coming up⁠—In again, in, I hear ’em.⁠—
	Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Well, a silly mistress is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost, a man has scarce time for plunder; she betrays her husband first to her gallant, and then her gallant to her husband.
	Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy, and a Parson.
Pinchwife	Come, madam, ’tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall persuade me I did not bring you hither just now; here’s my witness, who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted.⁠—Mr. Horner, did not I bring this lady to you just now?
Horner	Now must I wrong one woman for another’s sake⁠—but that’s no new thing with me, for in these cases I am still on the criminal’s side against the innocent. Aside.
Alithea	Pray speak, sir.
Horner	It must be so. I must be impudent, and try my luck; impudence uses to be too hard for truth. Aside.
Pinchwife	What, you are studying an evasion or excuse for her! Speak, sir.
Horner	No, faith, I am something backward only to speak in women’s affairs or disputes.
Pinchwife	She bids you speak.
Alithea	Ay, pray, sir, do, pray satisfy him.
Horner	Then truly, you did bring that lady to me just now.
Pinchwife	O ho!
Alithea	How, sir?
Harcourt	How, Horner?
Alithea	What mean you, sir? I always took you for a man of honour.
Horner	Ay, so much a man of honour, that I must save my mistress, I thank you, come what will on’t. Aside.
Sparkish	So, if I had had her, she’d have made me believe the moon had been made of a Christmas pie.
Lucy	Now could I speak, if I durst, and solve the riddle, who am the author of it. Aside.
Alithea	O unfortunate woman! A combination against my honour! which most concerns me now, because you share in my disgrace, sir, and it is your censure, which I must now suffer, that troubles me, not theirs.
Harcourt	Madam, then have no trouble, you shall now see ’tis possible for me to love too, without being jealous; I will not only believe your innocence myself, but make all the world believe it.⁠—Aside to Horner. Horner, I must now be concerned for this lady’s honour.
Horner	And I must be concerned for a lady’s honour too.
Harcourt	This lady has her honour, and I will protect it.
Horner	My lady has not her honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it.
Harcourt	I understand you not.
Horner	I would not have you.
Mrs. Pinchwife	What’s the matter with ’em all? Peeping in behind.
Pinchwife	Come, come, Mr. Horner, no more disputing; here’s the parson, I brought him not in vain.
Harcourt	No, sir, I’ll employ him, if this lady please.
Pinchwife	How! what d’ye mean?
Sparkish	Ay, what does he mean?
Horner	Why, I have resigned your sister to him, he has my consent.
Pinchwife	But he has not mine, sir; a woman’s injured honour, no more than a man’s, can be repaired or satisfied by any but him that first wronged it; and you shall marry her presently, or⁠—Lays his hand on his sword.
	Reenter Mrs. Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinchwife	O Lord, they’ll kill poor Mr. Horner! besides, he shan’t marry her whilst I stand by, and look on; I’ll not lose my second husband so.
Pinchwife	What do I see?
Alithea	My sister in my clothes!
Sparkish	Ha!
Mrs. Pinchwife	Nay, pray now don’t quarrel about finding work for the parson, he shall marry me to Mr. Horner; or now, I believe, you have enough of me. To Pinchwife.
Horner	Damned, damned loving changeling! Aside.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Pray, sister, pardon me for telling so many lies of you.
Horner	I suppose the riddle is plain now.
Lucy	No, that must be my work.⁠—Good sir, hear me. Kneels to Pinchwife, who stands doggedly with his hat over his eyes.
Pinchwife	I will never hear woman again, but make ’em all silent thus⁠—Offers to draw upon his Wife.
Horner	No, that must not be.
Pinchwife	You then shall go first, ’tis all one to me. Offers to draw on Horner, but is stopped by Harcourt.
Harcourt	Hold!
	Reenter Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish.
Sir Jasper	What’s the matter? what’s the matter? pray, what’s the matter, sir? I beseech you communicate, sir.
Pinchwife	Why, my wife has communicated, sir, as your wife may have done too, sir, if she knows him, sir.
Sir Jasper	Pshaw, with him! ha! ha! he!
Pinchwife	D’ye mock me, sir? a cuckold is a kind of a wild beast; have a care, sir.
Sir Jasper	No, sure, you mock me, sir. He cuckold you! it can’t be, ha! ha! he! why, I’ll tell you, sir⁠—Offers to whisper.
Pinchwife	I tell you again, he has whored my wife, and yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near; ’tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisy, can wheedle me.
Sir Jasper	How! does he dissemble? is he a hypocrite? Nay, then⁠—how⁠—wife⁠—sister, is he a hypocrite?
Lady Squeamish	A hypocrite! a dissembler! Speak, young harlotry, speak, how?
Sir Jasper	Nay, then⁠—O my head too!⁠—O thou libidinous lady!
Lady Squeamish	O thou harloting harlotry! hast thou done’t then?
Sir Jasper	Speak, good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a rogue? hast thou⁠—
Horner	So!
Lucy	I’ll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue. Apart to Horner.
Horner	Canst thou? I’ll give thee⁠—Apart to Lucy.
Lucy	To Pinchwife. Pray have but patience to hear me, sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion. Your wife is innocent, I only culpable; for I put her upon telling you all these lies concerning my mistress, in order to the breaking off the match between Mr. Sparkish and her, to make way for Mr. Harcourt.
Sparkish	Did you so, eternal rotten tooth? Then, it seems, my mistress was not false to me, I was only deceived by you. Brother, that should have been, now man of conduct, who is a frank person now, to bring your wife to her lover, ha?
Lucy	I assure you, sir, she came not to Mr. Horner out of love, for she loves him no more⁠—
Mrs. Pinchwife	Hold, I told lies for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr. Horner with all my soul, and nobody shall say me nay; pray, don’t you go to make poor Mr. Horner believe to the contrary; ’tis spitefully done of you, I’m sure.
Horner	Peace, dear idiot. Aside to Mrs. Pinchwife.
Mrs. Pinchwife	Nay, I will not peace.
Pinchwife	Not till I make you.
	Enter Dorilant* and Quack.*
Dorilant	Horner, your servant; I am the doctor’s guest, he must excuse our intrusion.
Quack	But what’s the matter, gentlemen? for Heaven’s sake, what’s the matter?
Horner	Oh, ’tis well you are come. ’Tis a censorious world we live in; you may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime I never committed, and these innocent ladies had suffered with me; therefore, pray satisfy these worthy, honourable, jealous gentlemen⁠—that⁠—Whispers.
Quack	O, I understand you, is that all?⁠—Sir Jasper, by Heavens, and upon the word of a physician, sir⁠—Whispers to Sir Jasper.
Sir Jasper	Nay, I do believe you truly.⁠—Pardon me, my virtuous lady, and dear of honour.
Lady Squeamish	What, then all’s right again?
Sir Jasper	Ay, ay, and now let us satisfy him too. They whisper with Pinchwife.
Pinchwife	An eunuch! Pray, no fooling with me.
Quack	I’ll bring half the chirurgeons in town to swear it.
Pinchwife	They!⁠—they’ll swear a man that bled to death through his wounds, died of an apoplexy.
Quack	Pray, hear me, sir⁠—why, all the town has heard the report of him.
Pinchwife	But does all the town believe it?
Quack	Pray, inquire a little, and first of all these.
Pinchwife	I’m sure when I left the town, he was the lewdest fellow in’t.
Quack	I tell you, sir, he has been in France since; pray, ask but these ladies and gentlemen, your friend Mr. Dorilant. Gentlemen and ladies, han’t you all heard the late sad report of poor Mr. Horner?
All the Ladies.	Ay, ay, ay.
Dorilant	Why, thou jealous fool, dost thou doubt it? he’s an arrant French capon.
Mrs. Pinchwife	’Tis false, sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr. Horner, for to my certain knowledge⁠—
Lucy	O, hold!
Mrs. Squeamish	Stop her mouth! Aside to Lucy.
Lady Fidget	Upon my honour, sir, ’tis as true⁠—To Pinchwife.
Mrs. Dainty	D’ye think we would have been seen in his company?
Mrs. Squeamish	Trust our unspotted reputations with him?
Lady Fidget	This you get, and we too, by trusting your secret to a fool. Aside to Horner.
Horner	Peace, madam.⁠—Aside to Quack. Well, doctor, is not this a good design, that carries a man on unsuspected, and brings him off safe?
Pinchwife	Well, if this were true⁠—but my wife⁠—Aside.
	Dorilant whispers with Mrs. Pinchwife.
Alithea	Come, brother, your wife is yet innocent, you see; but have a care of too strong an imagination, lest, like an over-concerned timorous gamester, by fancying an unlucky cast, it should come. Women and fortune are truest still to those that trust ’em.
Lucy	And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for being kept up, and more dangerous to the keeper.
Alithea	There’s doctrine for all husbands, Mr. Harcourt.
Harcourt	I edify, madam, so much, that I am impatient till I am one.
Dorilant	And I edify so much by example, I will never be one.
Sparkish	And because I will not disparage my parts, I’ll ne’er be one.
Horner	And I, alas! can’t be one.
Pinchwife	But I must be one⁠—against my will to a country wife, with a country murrain to me!
Mrs. Pinchwife	And I must be a country wife still too, I find; for I can’t, like a city one, be rid of my musty husband, and do what I list. Aside.
Horner	Now, sir, I must pronounce your wife innocent, though I blush whilst I do it; and I am the only man by her now exposed to shame, which I will straight drown in wine, as you shall your suspicion; and the ladies’ troubles we’ll divert with a ballad.⁠—Doctor, where are your maskers?
Lucy	Indeed, she’s innocent, sir, I am her witness, and her end of coming out was but to see her sister’s wedding; and what she has said to your face of her love to Mr. Horner, was but the usual innocent revenge on a husband’s jealousy;⁠—was it not, madam, speak?
Mrs. Pinchwife	Aside to Lucy* and Horner.* Since you’ll have me tell more lies⁠—Aloud. Yes, indeed, bud.
Pinchwife	For my own sake fain I would all believe; Cuckolds, like lovers, should themselves deceive. But⁠—Sighs. His honour is least safe (too late I find) Who trusts it with a foolish wife or friend.
	A Dance of Cuckolds.
Horner	Vain fops but court and dress, and keep a pother, To pass for women’s men with one another; But he who aims by women to be prized, First by the men, you see, must be despised.
	Exeunt.