Act IV
Scene I
Before Olivia’s house.
Enter Sebastian and Clown. | |
Clown | Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you? |
Sebastian |
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:
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Clown | Well held out, i’ faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so. |
Sebastian |
I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else:
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Clown | Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming? |
Sebastian |
I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me:
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Clown | By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report—after fourteen years’ purchase. |
Enter Sir Andrew, Sir Toby, and Fabian. | |
Sir Andrew | Now, sir, have I met you again? there’s for you. |
Sebastian |
Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there.
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Sir Toby | Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house. |
Clown | This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be in some of your coats for two pence. Exit. |
Sir Toby | Come on, sir; hold. |
Sir Andrew | Nay, let him alone: I’ll go another way to work with him; I’ll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it’s no matter for that. |
Sebastian | Let go thy hand. |
Sir Toby | Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on. |
Sebastian |
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?
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Sir Toby | What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you. |
Enter Olivia. | |
Olivia | Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold! |
Sir Toby | Madam! |
Olivia |
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
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Sebastian |
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
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Olivia | Nay, come, I prithee; would thou’ldst be ruled by me! |
Sebastian | Madam, I will. |
Olivia | O, say so, and so be! Exeunt. |
Scene II
Olivia’s house.
Enter Maria and Clown. | |
Maria | Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit. |
Clown | Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. |
Enter Sir Toby and Maria. | |
Sir Toby | Jove bless thee, master Parson. |
Clown | Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is;” so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”? |
Sir Toby | To him, Sir Topas. |
Clown | What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! |
Sir Toby | The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. |
Malvolio | Within. Who calls there? |
Clown | Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. |
Malvolio | Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. |
Clown | Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies? |
Sir Toby | Well said, Master Parson. |
Malvolio | Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness. |
Clown | Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark? |
Malvolio | As hell, Sir Topas. |
Clown | Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction? |
Malvolio | I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark. |
Clown | Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. |
Malvolio | I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question. |
Clown | What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? |
Malvolio | That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. |
Clown | What thinkest thou of his opinion? |
Malvolio | I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. |
Clown | Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. |
Malvolio | Sir Topas, Sir Topas! |
Sir Toby | My most exquisite Sir Topas! |
Clown | Nay, I am for all waters. |
Maria | Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not. |
Sir Toby | To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. Exeunt Sir Toby and Maria. |
Clown |
Singing.
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Malvolio | Fool! |
Clown | “My lady is unkind, perdy.” |
Malvolio | Fool! |
Clown | “Alas, why is she so?” |
Malvolio | Fool, I say! |
Clown | “She loves another”—Who calls, ha? |
Malvolio | Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t. |
Clown | Master Malvolio? |
Malvolio | Ay, good fool. |
Clown | Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits? |
Malvolio | Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. |
Clown | But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. |
Malvolio | They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits. |
Clown | Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble. |
Malvolio | Sir Topas! |
Clown | Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi’ you, good Sir Topas. Marry, amen. I will, sir, I will. |
Malvolio | Fool, fool, fool, I say! |
Clown | Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you. |
Malvolio | Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. |
Clown | Well-a-day that you were, sir |
Malvolio | By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. |
Clown | I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? |
Malvolio | Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true. |
Clown | Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. |
Malvolio | Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone. |
Clown |
Singing.
Exit. |
Scene III
Olivia’s garden.
Enter Sebastian. | |
Sebastian |
This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
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Enter Olivia and Priest. | |
Olivia |
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
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Sebastian |
I’ll follow this good man, and go with you;
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Olivia |
Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,
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