The Merry Wives of Windsor

Act II

Scene I

Before Page’s house.

	Enter Mistress Page, with a letter.
Mistress Page	What! have I ’scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see. She reads. “Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there’s more sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say, pity me: ’tis not a soldier-like phrase; but I say, Love me. By me, Thine own true knight, By day or night, Or any kind of light, With all his might For thee to fight, John Falstaff.” What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant. What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with the devil’s name! out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth:⁠—Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
	Enter Mistress Ford.
Mistress Ford	Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
Mistress Page	And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
Mistress Ford	Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
Mistress Page	Faith, but you do, in my mind.
Mistress Ford	Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary. O, Mistress Page! give me some counsel.
Mistress Page	What’s the matter, woman?
Mistress Ford	O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
Mistress Page	Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it?⁠—Dispense with trifles;⁠—what is it?
Mistress Ford	If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.
Mistress Page	What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
Mistress Ford	We burn daylight: hands her a letter here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of “Greensleeves.” What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
Mistress Page	Holding the two letters side by side. Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter; but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two: I had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
Mistress Ford	Taking Mistress Page’s* letter.* Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
Mistress Page	Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
Mistress Ford	“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.
Mistress Page	So will I; if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him; let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
Mistress Ford	Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.
Mistress Page	Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
Mistress Ford	You are the happier woman.
Mistress Page	Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
	They retire.
	Enter Fordand Pistol, and Page* and Nym in pairs.*
Ford	Well, I hope it be not so.
Pistol	Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife.
Ford	Why, sir, my wife is not young.
Pistol	He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, Both young and old, one with another, Ford; He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
Ford	Love my wife!
Pistol	With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou, Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels.⁠— O! odious is the name!
Ford	What name, sir?
Pistol	The horn, I say. Farewell:
	Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night; Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing. Away, Sir Corporal Nym. To Page. Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
	Exit Pistol.
Ford	Aside. I will be patient: I will find out this.
Nym	To Page. And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long.
	My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch ’tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there’s the humour of it. Adieu.
	Exit Nym.
Page	Aside. “The humour of it,” quoth ’a! Here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
Ford	I will seek out Falstaff.
Page	I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
Ford	If I do find it: well.
Page	I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town commended him for a true man.
Ford	’Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
Page	How now, Meg!
	Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward, having heard all.
Mistress Page	Whither go you, George?⁠—Hark you. They speak together.
Mistress Ford	Demure. How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
Ford	Starts. I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go. He turns away.
Mistress Ford	Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress Page?
Mistress Page	Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George? Aside to Mistress Ford. Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
Mistress Ford	Aside to Mistress Page. Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mistress Page	You are come to see my daughter Anne?
Mistress Quickly	Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
Mistress Page	Go in with us and see; we’d have an hour’s talk with you.
	Exeunt Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Mistress Quickly.
Page	How now, Master Ford!
Ford	Rouses. You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
Page	Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
Ford	Do you think there is truth in them?
Page	Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
Ford	Were they his men?
Page	Marry, were they.
Ford	I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
Page	Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
Ford	I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing “lie on my head”: I cannot be thus satisfied.
Page	Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
	Enter Host* and Justice Shallow following at a distance.*
	How now, mine host!
Host	How now, bully-rook! Thou’rt a gentleman. Turns and calls. Cavaliero-justice, I say!
Justice Shallow	Breathless. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.
Host	Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
Justice Shallow	Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
Ford	Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you.
Host	What say’st thou, my bully-rook?
	They go aside.
Justice Shallow	To Page. Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
	They converse apart.
Host	Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero?
Ford	None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest.
Host	My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers? Going.
Justice Shallow	Have with you, mine host.
Page	I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
Justice Shallow	Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ’tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host	Calling. Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
Page	Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.
	Exeunt Host, Justice Shallow, and Page.
Ford	Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into’t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ’tis labour well bestowed.
	Exit.

Scene II

A room in the Garter Inn.

	Enter Falstaff* and Pistol.*
Falstaff	I will not lend thee a penny.
Pistol	Why then, the world’s mine oyster, Which I with sword will open. I will retort the sum in equipage.
Falstaff	Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took’t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
Pistol	Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
Falstaff	Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a throng!⁠—to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!⁠—you stand upon your honour!⁠—Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
Pistol	I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man?
	Enter Robin.
Robin	Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
Falstaff	Let her approach.
	Enter Mistress Quickly.
Mistress Quickly	Curtsies. Give your worship good morrow.
Falstaff	Good morrow, good wife.
Mistress Quickly	Not so, an’t please your worship.
Falstaff	Good maid, then.
Mistress Quickly	I’ll be sworn; As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
Falstaff	I do believe the swearer. What with me?
Mistress Quickly	Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
Falstaff	Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
Mistress Quickly	There is one Mistress Ford, glances round at Pistol and Robin sir⁠—I pray, come a little nearer this ways:⁠—I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.
Falstaff	Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Your worship says very true;⁠—I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.
Falstaff	I warrant thee nobody hears waves his hand towards Pistol and Robin⁠—mine own people, mine own people.
Mistress Quickly	Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants!
Falstaff	Well: Mistress Ford, what of her?
Mistress Quickly	Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray.
Falstaff	Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford⁠—
Mistress Quickly	Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful: the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary; yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly⁠—all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
Falstaff	But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
Mistress Quickly	Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
Falstaff	Ten and eleven?
Mistress Quickly	Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he’s a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
Falstaff	Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
Mistress Quickly	Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! yes, in truth.
Falstaff	Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
Mistress Quickly	Blessing on your heart for’t!
Falstaff	But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
Mistress Quickly	That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
Falstaff	Why, I will.
Mistress Quickly	Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand anything; for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
Falstaff	Fare thee well; commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.⁠—
	Exeunt Mistress Quickly* and Robin.*
	This news distracts me.
Pistol	This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers; Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights; Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
	Exit Pistol.
Falstaff	Say’st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
	Enter Bardolph, with a cup of sack.
Bardolph	Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you: and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
Falstaff	Brook is his name?
Bardolph	Ay, sir.
Falstaff	Call him in.
	Exit Bardolph.
	Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to; via!
	Reenter Bardolph, with Ford* disguised carrying a bag of money.*
Ford	Bless you, sir!
Falstaff	And you, sir; would you speak with me?
Ford	I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
Falstaff	You’re welcome. What’s your will?⁠—Give us leave, drawer.
	Exit Bardolph.
Ford	Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Brook.
Falstaff	Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
Ford	Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embold’ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
Falstaff	Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
Ford	Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
Falstaff	Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
Ford	I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
Falstaff	Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant.
Ford	Sir, I hear you are a scholar⁠—I will be brief with you, and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender.
Falstaff	Very well, sir; proceed.
Ford	There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford.
Falstaff	Well, sir.
Ford	I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this,
	“Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues”
Falstaff	Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
Ford	Never.
Falstaff	Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
Ford	Never.
Falstaff	Of what quality was your love, then?
Ford	Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
Falstaff	To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
Ford	When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, court-like, and learnéd preparations.
Falstaff	O, sir!
Ford	Believe it, for you know it. He places the bag on the table. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
Falstaff	Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
Ford	O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
Falstaff	Weighing the bag in his hand. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
Ford	O good sir!
Falstaff	I say you shall.
Ford	Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
Falstaff	Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
Ford	Bowing. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
Falstaff	Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home.
Ford	I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
Falstaff	Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. He takes up the bag.
	Exit Falstaff.
Ford	What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol!⁠—Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
	Exit.

Scene III

A field near Windsor.

	Enter Doctor Caius* and Rugby.*
Doctor Caius	Stops. Jack Rugby!
Rugby	Sir?
Doctor Caius	Vat is de clock, Jack?
Rugby	’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
Doctor Caius	By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible vell dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
Rugby	He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him if he came.
Doctor Caius	By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
Rugby	Alas, sir, I cannot fence!
Doctor Caius	Villany, take your rapier. They begin to fence.
Rugby	Forbear; here’s company.
	Enter Host, Justice Shallow, Slender, and Page.
Host	Bless thee, bully doctor!
Justice Shallow	Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
Page	Now, good Master Doctor!
Slender	Give you good morrow, sir.
Doctor Caius	Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host	To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
Doctor Caius	By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is not show his face.
Host	Thou art a Castalion King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy!
Doctor Caius	I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
Justice Shallow	He is the wiser man, Master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?
Page	Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.
Justice Shallow	Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
Page	’Tis true, Master Shallow.
Justice Shallow	It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.
Host	Pardon, guest-justice.⁠—A word, Monsieur Mockwater.
Doctor Caius	Mock-vater! Vat is dat?
Host	Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
Doctor Caius	By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman.⁠—Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears.
Host	He will clapperclaw thee tightly, bully.
Doctor Caius	Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat?
Host	That is, he will make thee amends.
Doctor Caius	By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host	And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
Doctor Caius	Me tank you for dat.
Host	And, moreover, bully⁠—aside but first: Master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.
Page	Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host	He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
Justice Shallow	We will do it.
Page, Shallow, and Slender	Adieu, good Master Doctor.
	Exeunt Page, Justice Shallow, and Slender.
Doctor Caius	By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host	Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim! Said I well?
Doctor Caius	By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host	For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page: said I well?
Doctor Caius	By gar, ’tis good; vell said.
Host	Let us wag, then.
Doctor Caius	Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
	Exeunt.