Act III
Scene I
Before the house of Antipholus of Ephesus.
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar. | |
Antipholus of Ephesus |
Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
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Dromio of Ephesus |
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
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Antipholus of Ephesus | I think thou art an ass. |
Dromio of Ephesus |
Marry, so it doth appear
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Antipholus of Ephesus |
You’re sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
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Balthazar | I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear. |
Antipholus of Ephesus |
O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
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Balthazar | Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | And welcome more common; for that’s nothing but words. |
Balthazar | Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast. |
Antipholus of Ephesus |
Ay to a niggardly host and more sparing guest:
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Dromio of Ephesus | Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn! |
Dromio of Syracuse |
Within. Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
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Dromio of Ephesus | What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street. |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Who talks within there? ho, open the door! |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, and you’ll tell me wherefore. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined today. |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. Nor today here you must not; come again when you may. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio. |
Dromio of Ephesus |
O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
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Luce | Within. What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate? |
Dromio of Ephesus | Let my master in, Luce. |
Luce |
Within. Faith, no; he comes too late;
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Dromio of Ephesus |
O Lord, I must laugh!
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Luce | Within. Have at you with another; that’s—When? can you tell? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. If thy name be call’d Luce—Luce, thou hast answer’d him well. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Do you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope? |
Luce | Within. I thought to have ask’d you. |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. And you said no. |
Dromio of Ephesus | So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Thou baggage, let me in. |
Luce | Within. Can you tell for whose sake? |
Dromio of Ephesus | Master, knock the door hard. |
Luce | Within. Let him knock till it ache. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down. |
Luce | Within. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town? |
Adriana | Within. Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Are you there, wife? you might have come before. |
Adriana | Within. Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door. |
Dromio of Ephesus | If you went in pain, master, this “knave” would go sore. |
Angelo | Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either. |
Balthazar | In debating which was best, we shall part with neither. |
Dromio of Ephesus | They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in. |
Dromio of Ephesus |
You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
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Antipholus of Ephesus | Go, fetch me something: I’ll break ope the gate. |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate. |
Dromio of Ephesus |
A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
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Dromio of Syracuse | Within. It seems thou want’st breaking: out upon thee, hind! |
Dromio of Ephesus | Here’s too much “out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in. |
Dromio of Syracuse | Within. Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Well, I’ll break in: go borrow me a crow. |
Dromio of Ephesus |
A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
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Antipholus of Ephesus | Go, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow. |
Balthazar |
Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
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Antipholus of Ephesus |
You have prevail’d: I will depart in quiet,
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Angelo | I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence. |
Antipholus of Ephesus | Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense. Exeunt. |
Scene II
The same.
Enter Luciana and Antipholus of Syracuse. | |
Luciana |
And may it be that you have quite forgot
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Antipholus of Syracuse |
Sweet mistress—what your name is else, I know not,
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Luciana | What, are you mad, that you do reason so? |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Not mad, but mated; how, I do not know. |
Luciana | It is a fault that springeth from your eye. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by. |
Luciana | Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night. |
Luciana | Why call you me love? call my sister so. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Thy sister’s sister. |
Luciana | That’s my sister. |
Antipholus of Syracuse |
No;
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Luciana | All this my sister is, or else should be. |
Antipholus of Syracuse |
Call thyself sister, sweet, for I aim thee.
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Luciana |
O, soft, sir! hold you still:
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Enter Dromio of Syracuse. | |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Why, how now, Dromio! where runn’st thou so fast? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am I your man? am I myself? |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself. |
Dromio of Syracuse | I am an ass, I am a woman’s man and besides myself. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | What woman’s man? and how besides thyself? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | What claim lays she to thee? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Marry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a beast: not that, I being a beast, she would have me; but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | What is she? |
Dromio of Syracuse | A very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of without he say “sir-reverence.” I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | How dost thou mean a fat marriage? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Marry, sir, she’s the kitchen wench and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to but to make a lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she’ll burn a week longer than the whole world. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | What complexion is she of? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept: for why, she sweats; a man may go over shoes in the grime of it. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | That’s a fault that water will mend. |
Dromio of Syracuse | No, sir, ’tis in grain; Noah’s flood could not do it. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | What’s her name? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Nell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that’s an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Then she bears some breadth? |
Dromio of Syracuse | No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | In what part of her body stands Ireland? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Marry, sir, in her buttocks: I found it out by the bogs. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Where Scotland? |
Dromio of Syracuse | I found it by the barrenness; hard in the palm of the hand. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Where France? |
Dromio of Syracuse | In her forehead; armed and reverted, making war against her hair. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Where England? |
Dromio of Syracuse | I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them; but I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Where Spain? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Where America, the Indies? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Oh, sir, upon her nose, all o’er embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadoes of caracks to be ballast at her nose. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands? |
Dromio of Syracuse | Oh, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me; called me Dromio; swore I was assured to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as, the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I amazed ran from her as a witch: And, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith and my heart of steel, she had transform’d me to a curtal dog and made me turn i’ the wheel. |
Antipholus of Syracuse |
Go hie thee presently, post to the road:
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Dromio of Syracuse |
As from a bear a man would run for life,
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Antipholus of Syracuse |
There’s none but witches do inhabit here;
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Enter Angelo with the chain. | |
Angelo | Master Antipholus— |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Ay, that’s my name. |
Angelo |
I know it well, sir: lo, here is the chain.
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Antipholus of Syracuse | What is your will that I shall do with this? |
Angelo | What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you. |
Antipholus of Syracuse | Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not. |
Angelo |
Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
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Antipholus of Syracuse |
I pray you, sir, receive the money now,
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Angelo | You are a merry man, sir: fare you well. Exit. |
Antipholus of Syracuse |
What I should think of this, I cannot tell:
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