Endnotes
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Although the byline credits Ring W. Lardner, Jr., the story was in fact written by his father. The attribution is part of the story’s humor; Lardner Jr. was only four years old at the time of publication. —S.E. Editor ↩
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Editor’s note: This must be a mistake. In 1891, Paul Whiteman was only a year old.
Author’s note: It was a different Paul Whiteman.
Editor’s note: Must have been.
Author’s note: Was. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Presumably another mistake. James Madison was known as “Sunny Jim,” never as “Old Hickory.”
Author’s note: Your father died of electricity. ↩ -
Editor’s note: The last eight words seem to refer to radio. Radio was unheard of in 1891.
Author’s note: You’re an old fool. ↩ -
Editor’s note: This must be a mistake. Mr. Lardner is writing about the year 1898; the Chicago fire occurred in 1871.
Author’s note: There is a considerable difference of time between Chicago and San Francisco. ↩ -
Editor’s note: It would have been impossible for Mr. Lardner at his age and with his credits, or lack of credits, to enter the Harvard Law School.
Author’s note: That’s why I thought of it first. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Mr. Lardner, asked to explain the meaning of sextuple threat as applied to a half back, said it meant a half back who could not only kick, pass and run forwards, but also run backwards, act as field judge and announce the results of out-of-town games. He said that in all football history there had been only four really great sextuple threaters—himself, Marilyn Miller and the Mayo Brothers. ↩
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Editor’s note: Prof. Snoot was never connected with the University of Chicago.
Author’s note: That is the telephone company’s fault. The number is Midway 100.
Operator’s note: The number has been changed to Midway 2,000.
Author’s note: Well, let’s have that number, please. ↩ -
Editor’s note: The author evidently means “eleven,” not “nine.”
Author’s note: Other teams would not play against Mr. Thorne unless he limited himself to eight helpers instead of the regulation ten. ↩ -
Editor’s note: They still are in some cities. ↩
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Editor’s note: “Sucker” was a slang invention of the author’s, meaning probably in this case, “dub” or “flop.” ↩
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Editor’s note: These facts are brought out in other autobiographies of the early nineties.
Author’s note: What of it? ↩ -
Editor’s note: The Oakland Mole in San Francisco Bay got its name in much the same way. ↩
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Editor’s note: A pseudonym for New York. ↩
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Editor’s note: She called him Lardy. ↩
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Editor’s note: The author probably means “bored stiff.”
Author’s note: The h‑ll I do! ↩ -
Editor’s note: The above paragraph is followed in the manuscript by a description of the game between Yale and Spence. It is vulgar.
Author’s note: So is your old man. ↩ -
Editor’s note: This house is now occupied by the Cunards. ↩
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Editor’s note: Kahn and Donaldson claim they were not there.
Author’s note: Were too! ↩ -
Editor’s note: A suburb of Brooklyn. ↩
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Editor’s note: This was undoubtedly Mary Lewis.
Author’s note: No. It was a man.
Editor’s note: My mistake. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Mr. Lardner was the first to employ the crawl stroke, covering the entire twenty-eight feet on his hands and knees. ↩
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Editor’s note: Boats had, by this time, been invented. ↩
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Editor’s note: I didn’t. ↩
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Editor’s note: If Lardner had stayed there all his life, which he would have done if he had waited for his degree, he doubtless would have become known as the Princeton yell. ↩
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Editor’s note: Not me. ↩
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Editor’s note: Haverstraw, New Jersey, is said to have been named after Mr. Whelton. ↩
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Editor’s note: This is still true today.
Author’s note: You spoke a full quart. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Unless you deprived him of the cereal.
Author’s note: That is understood. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Was it? ↩
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Editor’s note: There was also a rule against tipping the beam. ↩
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Editor’s note: Bilgewater was known among his intimates as “Blind” Bilgewater.
Author’s note: You have him confused with some other Bilgewater. This Bilgewater was known as “Keen Eye” Bilgewater.
Wife’s note: Dinner is ready. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Tabloid editors then worked in private baths instead of private offices ↩
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Editor’s note: This remark of Mr. Greeley’s has often been misquoted as “Young man, go west,” and “Young man, go mah jongg,” and sometimes even as “Young man, go get my slippers.”
Author’s note: Some of the misquotations have been laughable. ↩ -
Editor’s note: This was probably the origin of the song, “Horace’s, Horace’s, Horace’s.” ↩
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Editor’s note: A boo scorpion was a sort of spider that went around booing ball players, actors and cockeyed spaniels. ↩
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Editor’s note: The author was probably not aware of the fact that the last named pixy is still running amuck in many places, notably East Hampton, Long Island, in spite of the vigilance of the narcotic squad. ↩
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Editor’s note: The author evidently means “heavily.”
Author’s note: The editor is evidently a f⸺l. ↩ -
Illinois: 491; Shields v. Shields. ↩
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Editor’s note: And still are.
Author’s note: I didn’t know that. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Then why not tell the things you didn’t do?
Author’s note: Why not shut up? ↩ -
Editor’s note: The author doubtless meant to say “Doc.”
Author’s note: The author meant what he said. Pearson was a notorious quack. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Philadelphia. ↩
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Editor’s note: “Buddies” is not in any dictionary and may be a colloquialism meaning, perhaps, clowns or funny men. ↩
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Editor’s note: There is that word again. ↩
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Author’s note: At this point I wish to correct an error that was made by the New York newspapers in their account of the wedding. I was repeatedly referred to as the groom, though I have had nothing to do with the care of a horse since I was twelve years old, and then only as a favor. The mistake probably was due to a misunderstanding by an Associated Press reporter, who, when my engagement was announced, called up Hugga’s mother, Sitta Much, and asked if she was satisfied with me as a son-in-law. Mrs. Much replied: “I certainly am. He is a hustler.” The reporter, no doubt, thought she said “hostler.” The two words “hostler” and “hustler” sound a great deal alike, especially in Eskimo.
Editor’s note: Another amusing incident is told concerning that same telephone conversation. When the reporter first got the bride’s mother on the wire, he said: “Mrs. Much?” and she replied: “Yes. A great deal.” ↩ -
Editor’s note: A custom. The anthem referred to begins, “Lap and the world laps with you.” ↩
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Driver’s note: I never held nobody up. ↩
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Author’s note: Skulk is not really a town at all; merely a fishing smack. ↩
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Author’s note: His name, we found out afterwards, was Webster.
Editor’s note: There was a family of Websters in Elmira.
Author’s note: This was a different Webster.
Editor’s note: The same spelling. ↩ -
Editor’s note: Presumably Webster.
Author’s note: Not related to the Elmira Websters. ↩ -
Editor’s note: My sister Cora, who visited Washington at the time of President McKinley’s inauguration, wrote me that G street was one of the main business thoroughfares.
Author’s note: It was, and still is.
Editor’s note: It was during this trip that Cora became acquainted with Wayne Pardee.
Author’s note: Not the Wayne Pardee!
Editor’s note: A nephew. ↩ -
Editor’s note: According to newspaper accounts, Mr. Lardner turned down a suggestion of his counsel’s that the case be tried before a petty jury, saying that if Hugga found out they were the least bit petty, she would insist on a party instead of a trial. ↩
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Editor’s note: Consult William Holabird on “What Shall We Do With Suspender Snappers” ↩
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Editor’s note: Probably something the matter with it.
Author’s note: Must have been. ↩ -
Editor’s note: There has always been fine hake fishing in the bay on which the Lardner home fronts.
Author’s note: Nobody ever caught a hake there yet.
Editor’s note: Makes the chance of catching one all the better. ↩ -
Editor’s note: At this point the author’s memoirs are abruptly terminated. The coroner’s jury brought in a verdict of “death by being hit in the stomach by a hake.”
Author’s note: Or death from stomach hake. ↩