Act V

Scene I

The library in Joseph Surface’s house.

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant.
Joseph Surface Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? you must know he comes to ask something.
Servant Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with him.
Joseph Surface Pshaw! blockhead! to suppose that I should now be in a temper to receive visits from poor relations!⁠—Well, why don’t you show the fellow up?
Servant I will, sir. — Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir Peter discovered my lady⁠—
Joseph Surface Go, fool!⁠—
Exit Servant.
Sure Fortune never played a man of my policy such a trick before! My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with Maria, destroyed in a moment! I’m in a rare humour to listen to other people’s distresses! I shan’t be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley. — So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however.
Exit.
Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Rowley.
Sir Oliver What! does he avoid us? That was he, was it not?
Rowley It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him. I should have gone first to break it to him.
Sir Oliver Oh, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most benevolent way of thinking!
Rowley As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it.
Sir Oliver Yet he has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers’ ends.
Rowley Or, rather, at his tongue’s end, Sir Oliver; for I believe there is no sentiment he has such faith in as that Charity begins at home.
Sir Oliver And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.
Rowley I doubt you’ll find it so;⁠—but he’s coming. I mustn’t seem to interrupt you; and you know, immediately as you leave him, I come in to announce your arrival in your real character.
Sir Oliver True; and afterwards you’ll meet me at Sir Peter’s.
Rowley Without losing a moment.
Exit.
Sir Oliver I don’t like the complaisance of his features.
Reenter Joseph Surface.
Joseph Surface Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment waiting⁠—Mr. Stanley, I presume.
Sir Oliver At your service.
Joseph Surface Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down⁠—I entreat you, sir⁠—
Sir Oliver Dear sir⁠—there’s no occasion. Aside. Too civil by half!
Joseph Surface I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, Mr. Stanley.
Sir Oliver I was, sir; so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble you.
Joseph Surface Dear sir, there needs no apology;⁠—he that is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was one of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief.
Sir Oliver If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend.
Joseph Surface I wish he was, sir, with all my heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir.
Sir Oliver I should not need one⁠—my distresses would recommend me. But I imagined his bounty would enable you to become the agent of his charity.
Joseph Surface My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man, a very worthy man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of age. I will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report.
Sir Oliver What! has he never transmitted you bullion⁠—rupees⁠—pagodas?24
Joseph Surface Oh, dear sir, nothing of the kind! No, no; a few presents now and then⁠—china, shawls, congou tea, avadavats, and Indian crackers⁠—little more, believe me.
Sir Oliver Here’s gratitude for twelve thousand pounds!⁠—Avadavats and Indian crackers! Aside.
Joseph Surface Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt not, of the extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man.
Sir Oliver Not I, for one! Aside.
Joseph Surface The sums I have lent him!⁠—Indeed I have been exceedingly to blame; it was an amiable weakness; however, I don’t pretend to defend it⁠—and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates.
Sir Oliver Aside. Dissembler!⁠—Aloud. Then, sir, you can’t assist me?
Joseph Surface At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me.
Sir Oliver I am extremely sorry⁠—
Joseph Surface Not more than I, believe me; to pity without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied.
Sir Oliver Kind sir, your most obedient humble servant.
Joseph Surface You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley. — William, be ready to open the door. Calls to Servant.
Sir Oliver Oh, dear sir, no ceremony.
Joseph Surface Your very obedient.
Sir Oliver Sir, your most obsequious.
Joseph Surface You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of service.
Sir Oliver Sweet sir, you are too good!
Joseph Surface In the meantime I wish you health and spirits.
Sir Oliver Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant.
Joseph Surface Sir, yours as sincerely.
Sir Oliver Aside. Charles, you are my heir!
Exit.
Joseph Surface This is one bad effect of a good character; it invites application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of benevolence without incurring the expense. The silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man’s good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and pays no tax.
Reenter Rowley.
Rowley Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you.
Joseph Surface Always happy to see Mr. Rowley⁠—a rascal. — Aside. Reads the letter. Sir Oliver Surface!⁠—My uncle arrived!
Rowley He is, indeed: we have just parted⁠—quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew.
Joseph Surface I am astonished!⁠—William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he’s not gone. Calls to Servant.
Rowley Oh! he’s out of reach, I believe.
Joseph Surface Why did you not let me know this when you came in together?
Rowley I thought you had particular business. But I must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour.
Joseph Surface So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming. — Aside. Never, to be sure, was anything so damned unlucky!
Rowley You will be delighted to see how well he looks.
Joseph Surface Ah! I’m rejoiced to hear it. — Aside. Just at this time!
Rowley I’ll tell him how impatiently you expect him.
Joseph Surface Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him.
Exit Rowley.
Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune.
Exit.

Scene II

A room in Sir Peter Teazle’s house.

Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid.
Maid Indeed, ma’am, my lady will see nobody at present.
Mrs. Candour Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. Candour?
Maid Yes, ma’am; but she begs you will excuse her.
Mrs. Candour Do go again: I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I’m sure she must be in great distress.⁠—
Exit Maid.
Dear heart, how provoking! I’m not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses.
Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite.
Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose⁠—
Sir Benjamin Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface⁠—
Mrs. Candour And Sir Peter’s discovery⁠—
Sir Benjamin Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be sure!
Mrs. Candour Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, indeed.
Sir Benjamin Now, I don’t pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface.
Mrs. Candour Mr. Surface! Why, ’twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected.
Sir Benjamin No, no, I tell you: Mr. Surface is the gallant.
Mrs. Candour No such thing! Charles is the man. ’T was Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them.
Sir Benjamin I tell you I had it from one⁠—
Mrs. Candour And I have it from one⁠—
Sir Benjamin Who had it from one, who had it⁠—
Mrs. Candour From one immediately⁠—But here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps she knows the whole affair.
Enter Lady Sneerwell.
Lady Sneerwell So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here’s a sad affair of our friend Lady Teazle!
Mrs. Candour Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought⁠—
Lady Sneerwell Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me.
Mrs. Candour To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she was so young!
Lady Sneerwell And had, indeed, some good qualities.
Mrs. Candour So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars?
Lady Sneerwell No; but everybody says that Mr. Surface⁠—
Sir Benjamin Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man.
Mrs. Candour No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles.
Lady Sneerwell With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour!
Mrs. Candour Yes, yes; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the informer.
Sir Benjamin Well, I’ll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter’s wound, will not⁠—
Mrs. Candour Sir Peter’s wound! Oh, mercy! I didn’t hear a word of their fighting.
Lady Sneerwell Nor I, a syllable.
Sir Benjamin No! what, no mention of the duel?
Mrs. Candour Not a word.
Sir Benjamin Oh, yes: they fought before they left the room.
Lady Sneerwell Pray let us hear.
Mrs. Candour Ay, do oblige us with the duel.
Sir Benjamin Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, you are a most ungrateful fellow.
Mrs. Candour Ay, to Charles⁠—
Sir Benjamin No, no⁠—to Mr. Surface⁠—a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction.
Mrs. Candour Ay, that must have been to Charles; for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house.
Sir Benjamin Gad’s life, ma’am, not at all⁠—giving me immediate satisfaction.⁠—On this, ma’am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords⁠—
Enter Crabtree.
Crabtree With pistols, nephew⁠—pistols! I have it from undoubted authority.
Mrs. Candour Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true!
Crabtree Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded⁠—
Sir Benjamin By a thrust in segoon25 quite through his left side⁠—
Crabtree By a bullet lodged in the thorax.
Mrs. Candour Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter!
Crabtree Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could.
Mrs. Candour I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person.
Sir Benjamin My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter.
Crabtree But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude⁠—
Sir Benjamin That I told you, you know⁠—
Crabtree Do, nephew, let me speak!⁠—and insisted on immediate⁠—
Sir Benjamin Just as I said⁠—
Crabtree Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too! A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem26 with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged.
Sir Benjamin I heard nothing of this.
Crabtree Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles’s shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter’s missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakespeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.27
Sir Benjamin My uncle’s account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the true one, for all that.
Lady Sneerwell Aside. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information.
Exit Lady Sneerwell.
Sir Benjamin Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for.
Crabtree Yes, yes, they certainly do say⁠—but that’s neither here nor there.
Mrs. Candour But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present?
Crabtree Oh, they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him.
Mrs. Candour I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him.
Crabtree Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me.
Sir Benjamin Hey! who comes here?
Crabtree Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on’t.
Mrs. Candour Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know.
Enter Sir Oliver Surface.
Crabtree Well, doctor, what hopes?
Mrs. Candour Ay, doctor, how’s your patient?
Sir Benjamin Now, doctor, isn’t it a wound with a small-sword?
Crabtree A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred!
Sir Oliver Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the thorax!⁠—Oons! are you mad, good people?
Sir Benjamin Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor?
Sir Oliver Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am.
Crabtree Only a friend of Sir Peter’s, then, I presume. But, sir, you must have heard of his accident?
Sir Oliver Not a word!
Crabtree Not of his being dangerously wounded?
Sir Oliver The devil he is!
Sir Benjamin Run through the body⁠—
Crabtree Shot in the breast⁠—
Sir Benjamin By one Mr. Surface⁠—
Crabtree Ay, the younger.
Sir Oliver Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
Sir Benjamin Oh, yes, we agree in that.
Crabtree Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that.
Sir Oliver Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over!
Sir Benjamin Aside to Crabtree. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery!
Sir Oliver Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax?
Sir Peter A small-sword and a bullet!
Sir Oliver Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice.
Sir Peter Why, what is all this?
Sir Benjamin We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune.
Sir Peter So, so; all over the town already! Aside.
Crabtree Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years.
Sir Peter Sir, what business is that of yours?
Mrs. Candour Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he’s very much to be pitied.
Sir Peter Plague on your pity, ma’am! I desire none of it.
Sir Benjamin However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
Sir Peter Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house.
Crabtree ’T is no uncommon case, that’s one comfort.
Sir Peter I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony⁠—I insist on your leaving my house directly!
Mrs. Candour Well, well, we are going; and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of it we can.
Exit.
Sir Peter Leave my house!
Crabtree And tell how hardly you’ve been treated.
Exit.
Sir Peter Leave my house!
Sir Benjamin And how patiently you bear it.
Exit.
Sir Peter Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! that their own venom would choke them!
Sir Oliver They are very provoking, indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter Rowley.
Rowley I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir?
Sir Peter Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations?
Rowley Well, I’m not inquisitive.
Sir Oliver Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed.
Sir Peter A precious couple they are!
Rowley Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter.
Sir Oliver Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all.
Rowley Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment.
Sir Oliver And acts up to the sentiments he professes.
Rowley It certainly is edification to hear him talk.
Sir Oliver Oh, he’s a model for the young men of the age. — But how’s this, Sir Peter? you don’t join us in your friend Joseph’s praise, as I expected.
Sir Peter Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better.
Rowley What! do you say so, Sir Peter, who were never mistaken in your life?
Sir Peter Pshaw! plague on you both! I see by your sneering you have heard the whole affair. I shall go mad among you!
Rowley Then, to fret you no longer, Sir Peter, we are indeed acquainted with it all. I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface’s so humble, that she deigned to request me to be her advocate with you.
Sir Peter And does Sir Oliver know all this?
Sir Oliver Every circumstance.
Sir Peter What of the closet and the screen, hey?
Sir Oliver Yes, yes, and the little French milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter ’T was very pleasant.
Sir Oliver I never laughed more in my life, I assure you; ah! ah! ah!
Sir Peter Oh, vastly diverting! ha! ha! ha!
Rowley To be sure, Joseph with his sentiments! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter Yes, yes, his sentiments! ha! ha! ha! Hypocritical villain!
Sir Oliver Ay, and that rogue Charles to pull Sir Peter out of the closet! ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter Ha! ha! ’twas devilish entertaining, to be sure!
Sir Oliver Ha! ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter, I should like to have seen your face when the screen was thrown down! ha! ha!
Sir Peter Yes, yes, my face when the screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! Oh, I must never show my head again!
Sir Oliver But come, come, it isn’t fair to laugh at you neither, my old friend; though, upon my soul, I can’t help it.
Sir Peter Oh, pray don’t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all! I laugh at the whole affair myself. Yes, yes, I think being a standing jest for all one’s acquaintance a very happy situation. Oh, yes, and then of a morning to read the paragraphs about Mr.⁠⸺, Lady T⁠⸺, and Sir P⁠⸺, will be so entertaining!
Rowley Without affectation, Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of fools. But I see Lady Teazle going towards the next room; I am sure you must desire a reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
Sir Oliver Perhaps my being here prevents her coming to you. Well, I’ll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface’s, where I am now returning, if not to reclaim a libertine, at least to expose hypocrisy.
Sir Peter Ah, I’ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though ’tis a vile unlucky place for discoveries.
Rowley We’ll follow.
Exit Sir Oliver Surface.
Sir Peter She is not coming here, you see, Rowley.
Rowley No, but she has left the door of that room open, you perceive. See, she is in tears.
Sir Peter Certainly, a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife. Don’t you think it will do her good to let her pine a little?
Rowley Oh, this is ungenerous in you!
Sir Peter Well, I know not what to think. You remember the letter I found of hers evidently intended for Charles?
Rowley A mere forgery, Sir Peter! laid in your way on purpose. This is one of the points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction of.
Sir Peter I wish I were once satisfied of that. She looks this way. What a remarkably elegant turn of the head she has. Rowley, I’ll go to her.
Rowley Certainly.
Sir Peter Though, when it is known that we are reconciled, people will laugh at me ten times more.
Rowley Let them laugh, and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it.
Sir Peter I’ faith, so I will! and, if I’m not mistaken, we may yet be the happiest couple in the country.
Rowley Nay, Sir Peter, he who once lays aside suspicion⁠—
Sir Peter Hold, Master Rowley! If you have any regard for me, never let me hear you utter anything like a sentiment: I have had enough of them to serve me the rest of my life.
Exeunt.

Scene III

The library in Joseph Surface’s house.

Enter Joseph Surface and Lady Sneerwell.
Lady Sneerwell Impossible! Will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to Charles, and of course no longer oppose his union with Maria? The thought is distraction to me.
Joseph Surface Can passion furnish a remedy?
Lady Sneerwell No, nor cunning either. Oh, I was a fool, an idiot, to league with such a blunderer!
Joseph Surface Sure, Lady Sneerwell, I am the greatest sufferer; yet you see I bear the accident with calmness.
Lady Sneerwell Because the disappointment doesn’t reach your heart; your interest only attached you to Maria. Had you felt for her what I have for that ungrateful libertine, neither your temper nor hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your vexation.
Joseph Surface But why should your reproaches fall on me for this disappointment?
Lady Sneerwell Are you not the cause of it? Had you not a sufficient field for your roguery in imposing upon Sir Peter, and supplanting your brother, but you must endeavour to seduce his wife? I hate such an avarice of crimes; ’tis an unfair monopoly, and never prospers.
Joseph Surface Well, I admit I have been to blame. I confess I deviated from the direct road of wrong, but I don’t think we’re so totally defeated neither.
Lady Sneerwell No!
Joseph Surface You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met, and that you still believe him faithful to us?
Lady Sneerwell I do believe so.
Joseph Surface And that he has undertaken, should it be necessary, to swear and prove that Charles is at this time contracted by vows and honour to your ladyship, which some of his former letters to you will serve to support?
Lady Sneerwell This, indeed, might have assisted.
Joseph Surface Come, come; it is not too late yet.⁠—Knocking at the door. But hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver: retire to that room; we’ll consult farther when he is gone.
Lady Sneerwell Well, but if he should find you out, too?
Joseph Surface Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit’s sake⁠—and you may depend on it I shall soon discover Sir Oliver’s weak side!
Lady Sneerwell I have no diffidence of your abilities: only be constant to one roguery at a time.
Joseph Surface I will, I will!⁠—
Exit Lady Sneerwell.
So! ’tis confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one’s confederate in evil. Well, at all events, my character is so much better than Charles’s, that I certainly⁠—hey!⁠—what⁠—this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on’t that he should return to tease me just now! I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here⁠—
Enter Sir Oliver Surface.
Gad’s life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague me at this time? You must not stay now, upon my word.
Sir Oliver Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he has been so penurious to you, I’ll try what he’ll do for me.
Joseph Surface Sir, ’tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg⁠—come any other time, and I promise you you shall be assisted.
Sir Oliver No: Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted.
Joseph Surface Zounds, sir! then I insist on your quitting the room directly.
Sir Oliver Nay, sir⁠—
Joseph Surface Sir, I insist on’t!⁠—Here, William! show this gentleman out. Since you compel me, sir, not one moment⁠—this is such insolence. Going to push him out.
Enter Charles Surface.
Charles Surface Heyday! what’s the matter now? What the devil, have you got hold of my little broker here? Zounds, brother, don’t hurt little Premium. What’s the matter, my little fellow?
Joseph Surface So! he has been with you too, has he?
Charles Surface To be sure, he has. Why, he’s as honest a little⁠—But sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you?
Joseph Surface Borrowing! no! But, brother, you know we expect Sir Oliver here every⁠—
Charles Surface O Gad, that’s true! Noll mustn’t find the little broker here, to be sure.
Joseph Surface Yet Mr. Stanley insists⁠—
Charles Surface Stanley! why his name’s Premium.
Joseph Surface No, sir, Stanley.
Charles Surface No, no, Premium.
Joseph Surface Well, no matter which⁠—but⁠—
Charles Surface Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, ’tis the same thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the coffeehouse. Knocking.
Joseph Surface ’Sdeath! here’s Sir Oliver at the door. — Now I beg, Mr. Stanley⁠—
Charles Surface Ay, ay, and I beg Mr. Premium⁠—
Sir Oliver Gentlemen⁠—
Joseph Surface Sir, by Heaven you shall go!
Charles Surface Ay, out with him, certainly!
Sir Oliver This violence⁠—
Joseph Surface Sir, ’tis your own fault.
Charles Surface Out with him, to be sure. Both forcing Sir Oliver out.
Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley.
Sir Peter My old friend, Sir Oliver⁠—hey! What in the name of wonder⁠—here are dutiful nephews⁠—assault their uncle at a first visit!
Lady Teazle Indeed, Sir Oliver, ’twas well we came in to rescue you.
Rowley Truly it was; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was no protection to you.
Sir Oliver Nor of Premium either: the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for.
Joseph Surface Charles!
Charles Surface Joseph!
Joseph Surface ’T is now complete!
Charles Surface Very.
Sir Oliver Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too⁠—look on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you also know how gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held in trust for him: judge then my disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of truth, charity, and gratitude!
Sir Peter Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I had not myself found him to be mean, treacherous, and hypocritical.
Lady Teazle And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him call me to his character.
Sir Peter Then, I believe, we need add no more: if he knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect punishment that he is known to the world.
Charles Surface If they talk this way to Honesty, what will they say to me, by and by? Aside.
Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire.
Sir Oliver As for that prodigal, his brother there⁠—
Charles Surface Ay, now comes my turn: the damned family pictures will ruin me! Aside.
Joseph Surface Sir Oliver⁠—uncle, will you honour me with a hearing?
Charles Surface Now, if Joseph would make one of his long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. Aside.
Sir Oliver I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself entirely? To Joseph Surface.
Joseph Surface I trust I could.
Sir Oliver To Charles Surface. Well, sir!⁠—and you could justify yourself too, I suppose?
Charles Surface Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver What! Little Premium has been let too much into the secret, I suppose?
Charles Surface True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be mentioned again, you know.
Rowley Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles’s follies with anger.
Sir Oliver Odds heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either. — Sir Peter, do you know the rogue bargained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china.
Charles Surface To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the family canvas, that’s the truth on’t. My ancestors may rise in judgment against me, there’s no denying it; but believe me sincere when I tell you⁠—and upon my soul I would not say so if I was not⁠—that if I do not appear mortified at the exposure of my follies, it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction in seeing you, my liberal benefactor.
Sir Oliver Charles, I believe you. Give me your hand again: the ill-looking little fellow over the settee has made your peace.
Charles Surface Then, sir, my gratitude to the original is still increased.
Lady Teazle Advancing. Yet, I believe, Sir Oliver, here is one whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. Pointing to Maria.
Sir Oliver Oh, I have heard of his attachment there; and, with the young lady’s pardon, if I construe right⁠—that blush
Sir Peter Well, child, speak your sentiments!
Maria Sir, I have little to say, but that I shall rejoice to hear that he is happy; for me⁠—whatever claim I had to his affection, I willingly resign to one who has a better title.
Charles Surface How, Maria!
Sir Peter Heyday! what’s the mystery now?⁠—While he appeared an incorrigible rake, you would give your hand to no one else; and now that he is likely to reform I’ll warrant you won’t have him!
Maria His own heart and Lady Sneerwell know the cause.
Charles Surface Lady Sneerwell!
Joseph Surface Brother, it is with great concern I am obliged to speak on this point, but my regard to justice compels me, and Lady Sneerwell’s injuries can no longer be concealed. Opens the door.
Enter Lady Sneerwell.
Sir Peter So! another French milliner! Egad, he has one in every room in the house, I suppose!
Lady Sneerwell Ungrateful Charles! Well may you be surprised, and feel for the indelicate situation your perfidy has forced me into.
Charles Surface Pray, uncle, is this another plot of yours? For, as I have life, I don’t understand it.
Joseph Surface I believe, sir, there is but the evidence of one person more necessary to make it extremely clear.
Sir Peter And that person, I imagine, is Mr. Snake. — Rowley, you were perfectly right to bring him with us, and pray let him appear.
Rowley Walk in, Mr. Snake.
Enter Snake.
I thought his testimony might be wanted: however, it happens unluckily, that he comes to confront Lady Sneerwell, not to support her.
Lady Sneerwell A villain! Treacherous to me at last! Speak, fellow, have you, too, conspired against me?
Snake I beg your ladyship ten thousand pardons: you paid me extremely liberally for the lie in question; but I unfortunately have been offered double to speak the truth.
Sir Peter Plot and counterplot, egad! I wish your ladyship joy of your negotiation.
Lady Sneerwell The torments of shame and disappointment on you all! Going.
Lady Teazle Hold, Lady Sneerwell⁠—before you go, let me thank you for the trouble you and that gentleman have taken, in writing letters from me to Charles, and answering them yourself; and let me also request you to make my respects to the scandalous college of which you are president, and inform them that Lady Teazle, licentiate, begs leave to return the diploma they granted her, as she leaves off practice, and kills characters no longer.
Lady Sneerwell You, too, madam!⁠—provoking⁠—insolent! May your husband live these fifty years!
Exit.
Sir Peter Oons! what a fury!
Lady Teazle A malicious creature, indeed!
Sir Peter Hey! not for her last wish?
Lady Teazle Oh, no!
Sir Oliver Well, sir, and what have you to say now?
Joseph Surface Sir, I am so confounded, to find that Lady Sneerwell could be guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner, to impose on us all, that I know not what to say: however, lest her revengeful spirit should prompt her to injure my brother, I had certainly better follow her directly. For the man who attempts to⁠—
Exit.
Sir Peter Moral to the last drop!
Sir Oliver Ay, and marry her, Joseph, if you can. Oil and Vinegar!⁠—egad, you’ll do very well together.
Rowley I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at present.
Snake Before I go, I beg pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness I have been the humble instrument of causing to the parties present.
Sir Peter Well, well, you have made atonement by a good deed at last.
Snake But I must request of the company, that it shall never be known.
Sir Peter Hey!⁠—what the plague!⁠—are you ashamed of having done a right thing once in your life?
Snake Ah, sir, consider⁠—I live by the badness of my character;28 I have nothing but my infamy to depend on! and, if it were once known that I had been I betrayed into an honest action, I should lose every friend I have in the world.
Sir Oliver Well, well⁠—we’ll not traduce you by saying anything in your praise, never fear.
Exit Snake.
Sir Peter There’s a precious rogue!
Lady Teazle See, Sir Oliver, there needs no persuasion now to reconcile your nephew and Maria.
Sir Oliver Ay, ay, that’s as it should be, and, egad, we’ll have the wedding tomorrow morning.
Charles Surface Thank you, dear uncle.
Sir Peter What, you rogue! don’t you ask the girl’s consent first?
Charles Surface Oh, I have done that a long time⁠—a minute ago⁠—and she has looked yes.
Maria For shame, Charles!⁠—I protest, Sir Peter, there has not been a word⁠—
Sir Oliver Well, then, the fewer the better; may your love for each other never know abatement.
Sir Peter And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and I intend to do!
Charles Surface Rowley, my old friend, I am sure you congratulate me; and I suspect that I owe you much.
Sir Oliver You do, indeed, Charles.
Rowley If my efforts to serve you had not succeeded, you would have been in my debt for the attempt; but deserve to be happy and you overpay me.
Sir Peter Ay, honest Rowley always said you would reform.
Charles Surface

Why, as to reforming, Sir Peter, I’ll make no promises, and that I take to be a proof I intend to set about it. But here shall be my monitor⁠—my gentle guide. — Ah! can I leave the virtuous path those eyes illumine?

Though thou, dear maid, shouldst waive thy beauty’s sway,
Thou still must rule, because I will obey:
An humble fugitive from Folly view,
No sanctuary near but Love and you:

To the audience.

You can, indeed, each anxious fear remove,
For even Scandal dies, if you approve.