Act IV

Scene I

A picture room in Charles Surface’s house

Enter Charles Surface, Sir Oliver Surface, Moses, and Careless.
Charles Surface Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;⁠—here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
Sir Oliver And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
Charles Surface Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting; no volontière grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. — No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness⁠—all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
Sir Oliver Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
Charles Surface I hope not. — Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. — But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer;17 here’s an old gouty chair of my grandfather’s will answer the purpose.
Careless Ay, ay, this will do. — But, Charles, I haven’t a hammer; and what’s an auctioneer without his hammer?
Charles Surface Egad, that’s true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. Taking pedigree down. Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here’s the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
Sir Oliver What an unnatural rogue!⁠—an ex post facto parricide! Aside.
Careless Yes, yes, here’s a list of your generation indeed;⁠—faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for ’t will not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin⁠—A-going, a-going, a-going!
Charles Surface Bravo, Careless! Well, here’s my great-uncle, Sir Richard Raveline,18 a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough’s wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him⁠—there’s a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. — What do you bid?
Sir Oliver Aside to Moses. Bid him speak.
Moses Mr. Premium would have you speak.
Charles Surface Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I’m sure that’s not dear for a staff-officer.
Sir Oliver Aside. Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!⁠—Aloud. Very well, sir, I take him at that.
Charles Surface Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. — Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, thought to be in his best manner, and a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten⁠—the sheep are worth the money.
Sir Oliver Aside. Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!⁠—Aloud. Five pounds ten⁠—she’s mine.
Charles Surface Knock down my aunt Deborah!⁠—Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs. — You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
Sir Oliver Yes, truly, headdresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.
Charles Surface Well, take that couple for the same.
Moses ’T is a good bargain.
Charles Surface Careless!⁠—This, now, is a grandfather of my mother’s, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit. — What do you rate him at, Moses?
Moses Four guineas.
Charles Surface Four guineas! Gad’s life, you don’t bid me the price of his wig. — Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
Sir Oliver By all means.
Careless Gone!
Charles Surface And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of parliament, and noted speakers; and, what’s very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.
Sir Oliver That is very extraordinary, indeed! I’ll take them at your own price, for the honour of parliament.
Careless Well said, little Premium!⁠—I’ll knock them down at forty.
Charles Surface Here’s a jolly fellow⁠—I don’t know what relation, but he was mayor of Manchester: take him at eight pounds.
Sir Oliver No, no; six will do for the mayor.
Charles Surface Come, make it guineas, and I’ll throw you the two aldermen there into the bargain.
Sir Oliver They’re mine.
Charles Surface Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. — But, plague on’t! we shall be all day retailing in this manner: do let us deal wholesale; what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
Careless Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
Sir Oliver Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
Careless What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
Sir Oliver Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don’t think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
Charles Surface What, that?⁠—Oh; that’s my uncle Oliver! ’twas done before he went to India.
Careless Your uncle Oliver!⁠—Gad, then you’ll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on’t. Don’t you think so, little Premium?
Sir Oliver Upon my soul, sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. — But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
Charles Surface No, hang it! I’ll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I’ll keep his picture while I’ve a room to put it in.
Sir Oliver Aside. The rogue’s my nephew after all!⁠—Aloud. But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
Charles Surface I’m sorry for ’t, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven’t you got enough of them?
Sir Oliver Aside. I forgive him everything!⁠—Aloud. But, sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don’t value money. I’ll give you as much for that as for all the rest.
Charles Surface Don’t tease me, master broker; I tell you I’ll not part with it, and there’s an end of it.
Sir Oliver Aside. How like his father the dog is!⁠—Aloud. Well, well, I have done. — Aside. I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. — Aloud. Here is a draft for your sum.
Charles Surface Why, ’tis for eight hundred pounds!
Sir Oliver You will not let Sir Oliver go?
Charles Surface Zounds! no! I tell you once more.
Sir Oliver Then never mind the difference, we’ll balance that another time. — But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles⁠—I beg pardon, sir, for being so free. — Come, Moses.
Charles Surface Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow!⁠—But hark’ee, Premium, you’ll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
Sir Oliver Yes, yes, I’ll send for them in a day or two.
Charles Surface But hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
Sir Oliver I will, I will⁠—for all but Oliver.
Charles Surface Ay, all but the little nabob.
Sir Oliver You’re fixed on that?
Charles Surface Peremptorily.
Sir Oliver Aside. A dear extravagant rogue!⁠—Aloud. Good day!⁠—Come, Moses. — Aside. Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!
Exit with Moses.
Careless Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
Charles Surface Egad, he’s the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. — Ha! here’s Rowley. — Do, Careless, say I’ll join the company in a few moments.
Careless I will⁠—but don’t let that old blockhead persuade you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
Charles Surface Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
Careless Nothing else.
Charles Surface Ay, ay, never fear. —
Exit Careless.
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. — Let me see, two-thirds of this is mine by right, five hundred and thirty odd pounds. ’Fore Heaven! I find one’s ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them for!⁠—Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful servant.⁠—Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.
Enter Rowley.
Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old acquaintance.
Rowley Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such spirits under so many distresses.
Charles Surface Why, there’s the point! my distresses are so many, that I can’t afford to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations: to be sure, ’tis very affecting, but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
Rowley There’s no making you serious a moment.
Charles Surface Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley.
Rowley A hundred pounds. Consider only⁠—
Charles Surface Gad’s life, don’t talk about it! poor Stanley’s wants are pressing, and, if you don’t make haste, we shall have someone call that has a better right to the money.
Rowley Ah! there’s the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb⁠—
Charles Surface Be just before you’re generous.19⁠—Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old, hobbling beldame, and I can’t get her to keep pace with Generosity, for the soul of me.
Rowley Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour’s reflection⁠—
Charles Surface Ay, ay, it’s very true; but, hark’ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I’ll give: so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
Exeunt.

Scene II

Another room in the same.

Enter Sir Oliver Surface and Moses.
Moses Well, sir, I think, as Sir Peter said, you have seen Mr. Charles in high glory; ’tis great pity he’s so extravagant.
Sir Oliver True, but he would not sell my picture.
Moses And loves wine and women so much.
Sir Oliver But he would not sell my picture.
Moses And game so deep.
Sir Oliver But he would not sell my picture. Oh, here’s Rowley.
Enter Rowley.
Rowley So, Sir Oliver, I find you have made a purchase⁠—
Sir Oliver Yes, yes, our young rake has parted with his ancestors like old tapestry.
Rowley And here has he commissioned me to redeliver you part of the purchase-money⁠—I mean, though, in your necessitous character of old Stanley.
Moses Ah! there is the pity of all! he is so damned charitable.
Rowley And I left a hosier and two tailors in the hall, who, I’m sure, won’t be paid, and this hundred would satisfy them.
Sir Oliver Well, well, I’ll pay his debts and his benevolence too. But now I am no more a broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder brother as old Stanley.
Rowley Not yet awhile; Sir Peter, I know, means to call there about this time.
Enter Trip.
Trip Oh, gentlemen, I beg pardon for not showing you out: this way⁠—Moses, a word.
Exit with Moses.
Sir Oliver There’s a fellow for you! Would you believe it, that puppy intercepted the Jew on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he got to his master!
Rowley Indeed!
Sir Oliver Yes, they are now planning an annuity business. Ah, Master Rowley, in my days servants were content with the follies of their masters, when they were worn a little threadbare; but now they I have their vices, like their birthday clothes, with the gloss on.
Exeunt.

Scene III

A library in Joseph Surface’s house.

Enter Joseph Surface and Servant.
Joseph Surface No letter from Lady Teazle?
Servant No, sir.
Joseph Surface Aside. I am surprised she has not sent, if she is prevented from coming. Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me. Yet I wish I may not lose the heiress through the scrape I have drawn myself into with the wife: however, Charles’s imprudence and bad character are great points in my favour.
Knocking heard without.
Servant Sir, I believe that must be Lady Teazle.
Joseph Surface Hold! See whether it is or not, before you go to the door: I have a particular message for you if it should be my brother.
Servant ’T is her ladyship, sir; she always leaves her chair at the milliner’s in the next street.
Joseph Surface Stay, stay; draw that screen before the windows20⁠—that will do;⁠—my opposite neighbour is a maiden lady of so curious a temper. —
Servant draws the screen, and exit.
I have a difficult hand to play in this affair. Lady Teazle has lately suspected my views on Maria; but she must by no means be let into that secret⁠—at least till I have her more in my power.
Enter Lady Teazle.
Lady Teazle What, sentiment in soliloquy now? Have you been very impatient? O Lud! don’t pretend to look grave. I vow I couldn’t come before.
Joseph Surface O madam, punctuality is a species of constancy, very unfashionable in a lady of quality. Places chairs and sits after Lady Teazle is seated.
Lady Teazle Upon my word, you ought to pity me. Do you know Sir Peter has grown so ill-natured to me of late, and so jealous of Charles too⁠—that’s the best of the story, isn’t it?
Joseph Surface I am glad my scandalous friends keep that up. Aside.
Lady Teazle I am sure I wish he would let Maria marry him, and then perhaps he would be convinced; don’t you, Mr. Surface?
Joseph Surface Aside. Indeed I do not. — Aloud. Oh, certainly I do! for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly girl.
Lady Teazle Well, well, I’m inclined to believe you. But isn’t it provoking, to have the most ill-natured things said of one? And there’s my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don’t know how many scandalous tales of me, and all without any foundation too;⁠—that’s what vexes me.
Joseph Surface Ay, madam, to be sure, that is the provoking circumstance⁠—without foundation; yes, yes, there’s the mortification, indeed; for, when a scandalous story is believed against one, there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it.
Lady Teazle No, to be sure, then I’d forgive their malice; but to attack me, who am really so innocent, and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody⁠—that is, of any friend; and then Sir Peter, too, to have him so peevish, and so suspicious, when I know the integrity of my own heart⁠—indeed ’tis monstrous!
Joseph Surface But, my dear Lady Teazle, ’tis your own fault if you suffer it. When a husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his wife, and withdraws his confidence from her, the original compact is broken, and she owes it to the honour of her sex to endeavour to outwit him.
Lady Teazle Indeed!⁠—So that, if he suspects me without cause, it follows, that the best way of curing his jealousy is to give him reason for ’t?
Joseph Surface Undoubtedly⁠—for your husband should never be deceived in you: and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment.
Lady Teazle To be sure, what you say is very reasonable, and when the consciousness of my innocence⁠—
Joseph Surface Ah, my dear madam, there is the great mistake! ’tis this very conscious innocence that is of the greatest prejudice to you.21 What is it makes you negligent of forms, and careless of the world’s opinion? why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you thoughtless in your conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences? why, the consciousness of your own innocence. What makes you impatient of Sir Peter’s temper, and outrageous at his suspicions? why, the consciousness of your innocence.
Lady Teazle ’T is very true!
Joseph Surface Now, my dear Lady Teazle, if you would but once make a trifling faux pas, you can’t conceive how cautious you would grow, and how ready to humour and agree with your husband.
Lady Teazle Do you think so?
Joseph Surface Oh, I am sure on’t; and then you would find all scandal would cease at once, for⁠—in short, your character at present is like a person in a plethora, absolutely dying from too much health.
Lady Teazle So, so; then I perceive your prescription is, that I must sin in my own defence, and part with my virtue to preserve my reputation?
Joseph Surface Exactly so, upon my credit, ma’am.
Lady Teazle Well, certainly this is the oddest doctrine, and the newest receipt for avoiding calumny!
Joseph Surface An infallible one, believe me. Prudence, like experience, must be paid for.
Lady Teazle Why, if my understanding were once convinced⁠—
Joseph Surface Oh, certainly, madam, your understanding should be convinced. Yes, yes⁠—Heaven forbid I should persuade you to do anything you thought wrong. No, no, I have too much honour to desire it.
Lady Teazle Don’t you think we may as well leave honour out of the argument? Rises.
Joseph Surface Ah, the ill effects of your country education, I see, still remain with you.
Lady Teazle I doubt they do indeed; and I will fairly own to you, that if I could be persuaded to do wrong, it would be by Sir Peter’s ill usage sooner than your honourable logic, after all.
Joseph Surface Then, by this hand, which he is unworthy of⁠—Taking her hand.
Reenter Servant.
’Sdeath, you blockhead⁠—what do you want?
Servant I beg your pardon, sir, but I thought you would not choose Sir Peter to come up without announcing him.
Joseph Surface Sir Peter!⁠—Oons⁠—the devil!
Lady Teazle Sir Peter! O Lud! I’m ruined! I’m ruined!
Servant Sir, ’twasn’t I let him in.
Lady Teazle Oh! I’m quite undone! What will become of me? Now, Mr. Logic⁠—Oh! mercy, sir, he’s on the stairs⁠—I’ll get behind here⁠—and if ever I’m so imprudent again⁠—Goes behind the screen.
Joseph Surface Give me that book. Sits down. Servant pretends to adjust his chair.
Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
Sir Peter Ay, ever improving himself⁠—Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface⁠—Pats Joseph on the shoulder.
Joseph Surface Oh, my dear Sir Peter, I beg your pardon⁠—Gaping, throws away the book. I have been dozing over a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged to you for this call. You haven’t been here, I believe, since I fitted up this room. Books, you know, are the only things in which I am a coxcomb.
Sir Peter ’T is very neat indeed. — Well, well, that’s proper; and you can make even your screen a source of knowledge⁠—hung, I perceive, with maps.
Joseph Surface Oh, yes, I find great use in that screen.
Sir Peter I dare say you must, certainly, when you want to find anything in a hurry.
Joseph Surface Ay, or to hide anything in a hurry either. Aside.
Sir Peter Well, I have a little private business⁠—
Joseph Surface You need not stay. To Servant.
Servant No, sir.
Exit.
Joseph Surface Here’s a chair, Sir Peter⁠—I beg⁠—
Sir Peter Well, now we are alone, there is a subject, my dear friend, on which I wish to unburden my mind to you⁠—a point of the greatest moment to my peace; in short, my good friend, Lady Teazle’s conduct of late has made me very unhappy.
Joseph Surface Indeed! I am very sorry to hear it.
Sir Peter Yes, ’tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me; but, what’s worse, I have pretty good authority to suppose she has formed an attachment to another.
Joseph Surface Indeed! you astonish me!
Sir Peter Yes! and, between ourselves, I think I’ve discovered the person.
Joseph Surface How! you alarm me exceedingly.
Sir Peter Ay, my dear friend, I knew you would sympathize with me!
Joseph Surface Yes, believe me, Sir Peter, such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you.
Sir Peter I am convinced of it. — Ah! it is a happiness to have a friend whom we can trust even with one’s family secrets. But have you no guess who I mean?
Joseph Surface I haven’t the most distant idea. It can’t be Sir Benjamin Backbite!
Sir Peter Oh, no! What say you to Charles?
Joseph Surface My brother! impossible!
Sir Peter Oh, my dear friend, the goodness of your own heart misleads you. You judge of others by yourself.
Joseph Surface Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart that is conscious of its own integrity is ever slow to credit another’s treachery.
Sir Peter True; but your brother has no sentiment⁠—you never hear him talk so.
Joseph Surface Yet I can’t but think Lady Teazle herself has too much principle.
Sir Peter Ay; but what is principle against the flattery of a handsome, lively young fellow?
Joseph Surface That’s very true.
Sir Peter And then, you know, the difference of our ages makes it very improbable that she should have any great affection for me; and if she were to be frail, and I were to make it public, why the town would only laugh at me, the foolish old bachelor, who had married a girl.
Joseph Surface That’s true, to be sure⁠—they would laugh.
Sir Peter Laugh! ay, and make ballads, and paragraphs, and the devil knows what of me.
Joseph Surface No⁠—you must never make it public.
Sir Peter But then again⁠—that the nephew of my old friend, Sir Oliver, should be the person to attempt such a wrong, hurts me more nearly.
Joseph Surface Ay, there’s the point. When ingratitude barbs the dart of injury, the wound has double danger in it.
Sir Peter Ay⁠—I, that was, in a manner, left his guardian: in whose house he had been so often entertained; who never in my life denied him⁠—my advice!
Joseph Surface Oh, ’tis not to be credited! There may be a man capable of such baseness, to be sure; but, for my part, till you can give me positive proofs, I cannot but doubt it. However, if it should be proved on him, he is no longer a brother of mine⁠—I disclaim kindred with him: for the man who can break the laws of hospitality, and tempt the wife of his friend, deserves to be branded as the pest of society.
Sir Peter What a difference there is between you! What noble sentiments!
Joseph Surface Yet I cannot suspect Lady Teazle’s honour.
Sir Peter I am sure I wish to think well of her, and to remove all ground of quarrel between us. She has lately reproached me more than once with having made no settlement on her; and, in our last quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem to differ in our ideas of expense, I have resolved she shall have her own way, and be her own mistress in that respect for the future; and, if I were to die, she will find I have not been inattentive to her interest while living. Here, my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, which I wish to have your opinion on. — By one, she will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live; and by the other, the bulk of my fortune at my death.
Joseph Surface This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly generous. — Aside. I wish it may not corrupt my pupil.
Sir Peter Yes, I am determined she shall have no cause to complain, though I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection yet awhile.
Joseph Surface Nor I, if I could help it. Aside.
Sir Peter And now, my dear friend, if you please, we will talk over the situation of your hopes with Maria.
Joseph Surface Softly. Oh, no, Sir Peter; another time, if you please.
Sir Peter I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress you seem to make in her affections.
Joseph Surface Softly. I beg you will not mention it. What are my disappointments when your happiness is in debate!⁠—Aside. ’Sdeath, I shall be ruined every way!
Sir Peter And though you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with your passion for Maria, I’m sure she’s not your enemy in the affair.
Joseph Surface Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige me. I am really too much affected by the subject we have been speaking of, to bestow a thought on my own concerns. The man who is entrusted with his friend’s distresses can never⁠—
Reenter Servant.
Well, sir?
Servant Your brother, sir, is speaking to a gentleman in the street, and says he knows you are within.
Joseph Surface ’Sdeath, blockhead, I’m not within⁠—I’m out for the day.
Sir Peter Stay⁠—hold⁠—a thought has struck me:⁠—you shall be at home.
Joseph Surface Well, well, let him up. —
Exit Servant.
He’ll interrupt Sir Peter, however. Aside.
Sir Peter Now, my good friend, oblige me, I entreat you. — Before Charles comes, let me conceal myself somewhere⁠—then do you tax him on the point we have been talking, and his answer may satisfy me at once.
Joseph Surface Oh, fie, Sir Peter! would you have me join in so mean a trick?⁠—to trepan my brother too?
Sir Peter Nay, you tell me you are sure he is innocent; if so, you do him the greatest service by giving him an opportunity to clear himself, and you will set my heart at rest. Come, you shall not refuse me: Going up. here behind the screen will be⁠—Hey! what the devil! there seems to be one listener here already⁠—I’ll swear I saw a petticoat!
Joseph Surface Ha! ha! ha! Well, this is ridiculous enough. I’ll tell you, Sir Peter, though I hold a man of intrigue to be a most despicable character, yet, you know, it does not follow that one is to be an absolute Joseph either! Hark’ee, ’tis a little French milliner⁠—a silly rogue that plagues me;⁠—and having some character to lose, on your coming, sir, she ran behind the screen.
Sir Peter Ah, Joseph! Joseph! Did I ever think that you⁠—But, egad, she has overheard all I have been saying of my wife.
Joseph Surface Oh, ’t will never go any farther, you may depend upon it!
Sir Peter No! then, faith, let her hear it out.⁠—Here’s a closet will do as well.
Joseph Surface Well, go in there.
Sir Peter Sly rogue! sly rogue! Goes into the closet.
Joseph Surface A narrow escape, indeed! and a curious situation I’m in, to part man and wife in this manner.
Lady Teazle Peeping. Couldn’t I steal off?
Joseph Surface Keep close, my angel!
Sir Peter Peeping. Joseph, tax him home.
Joseph Surface Back, my dear friend!
Lady Teazle Peeping. Couldn’t you lock Sir Peter in?
Joseph Surface Be still, my life!
Sir Peter Peeping. You’re sure the little milliner won’t blab?
Joseph Surface In, in, my dear Sir Peter!⁠—’Fore Gad, I wish I had a key to the door.
Enter Charles Surface.
Charles Surface Holla! brother, what has been the matter? Your fellow would not let me up at first. What! have you had a Jew or a wench with you?
Joseph Surface Neither, brother, I assure you.
Charles Surface But what has made Sir Peter steal off? I thought he had been with you.
Joseph Surface He was, brother; but, hearing you were coming, he did not choose to stay.
Charles Surface What! was the old gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money of him?
Joseph Surface No, sir: but I am sorry to find, Charles, you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great uneasiness.
Charles Surface Yes, they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men. — But how so, pray?
Joseph Surface To be plain with you, brother⁠—he thinks you are endeavouring to gain Lady Teazle’s affections from him.
Charles Surface Who, I? O Lud! not I, upon my word. — Ha! ha! ha! ha! so the old fellow has found out that he has got a young wife, has he?⁠—or, what is worse, Lady Teazle has found out she has an old husband?
Joseph Surface This is no subject to jest on, brother. He who can laugh⁠—
Charles Surface True, true, as you were going to say⁠—then, seriously, I never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my honour.
Joseph Surface Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this. Raising his voice.
Charles Surface To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to have taken a fancy to me; but, upon my soul, I never gave her the least encouragement. — Besides, you know my attachment to Maria.
Joseph Surface But sure, brother, even if Lady Teazle had betrayed the fondest partiality for you⁠—
Charles Surface Why, look’ee, Joseph, I hope I shall never deliberately do a dishonourable action; but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw herself in my way⁠—and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her father⁠—
Joseph Surface Well!
Charles Surface Why, I believe I should be obliged to⁠—
Joseph Surface What?
Charles Surface To borrow a little of your morality, that’s all. But, brother, do you know now that you surprise me exceedingly, by naming me with Lady Teazle; for, i’ faith, I always understood you were her favourite.
Joseph Surface Oh, for shame, Charles! This retort is foolish.
Charles Surface Nay, I swear I have seen you exchange such significant glances⁠—
Joseph Surface Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest.
Charles Surface Egad, I’m serious! Don’t you remember one day, when I called here⁠—
Joseph Surface Nay, prithee, Charles⁠—
Charles Surface And found you together⁠—
Joseph Surface Zounds, sir, I insist⁠—
Charles Surface And another time when your servant⁠—
Joseph Surface Brother, brother, a word with you. — Aside. Gad, I must stop him.
Charles Surface Informed, I say, that⁠—
Joseph Surface Hush! I beg your pardon, but Sir Peter has overheard all we have been saying. I knew you would clear yourself, or I should not have consented.
Charles Surface How, Sir Peter! Where is he?
Joseph Surface Softly, there! Points to the closet.
Charles Surface Oh, ’fore Heaven, I’ll have him out. Sir Peter, come forth!
Joseph Surface No, no⁠—
Charles Surface I say, Sir Peter, come into court. — Pulls in Sir Peter. What! my old guardian!⁠—What! turn inquisitor, and take evidence incog? Oh, fie! Oh, fie!
Sir Peter Give me your hand, Charles⁠—I believe I have suspected you wrongfully: but you mustn’t be angry with Joseph⁠—’twas my plan!
Charles Surface Indeed.
Sir Peter But I acquit you. I promise you I don’t think near so ill of you as I did: what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.
Charles Surface Egad, then, ’twas lucky you didn’t hear any more. Wasn’t it, Joseph? Aside to Joseph.
Sir Peter Ah! you would have retorted on him.
Charles Surface Ah, ay, that was a joke.
Sir Peter Yes, yes, I know his honour too well.
Charles Surface But you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter, for all that. Mightn’t he, Joseph? Aside to Joseph.
Sir Peter Well, well, I believe you.
Joseph Surface Would they were both out of the room! Aside.
Sir Peter And in future, perhaps we may not be such strangers.
Reenter Servant, and whispers Joseph Surface.
Servant Lady Sneerwell is below, and says she will come up.
Joseph Surface Lady Sneerwell! Gad’s life! she must not come here.
Exit Servant.
Gentlemen, I beg pardon⁠—I must wait on you downstairs: here is a person come on particular business.
Charles Surface Well, you can see him in another room. Sir Peter and I have not met a long time, and I have something to say to him.
Joseph Surface Aside. They must not be left together. — Aloud. I’ll send this man away, and return directly. — Aside to Sir Peter. Sir Peter, not a word of the French milliner.
Sir Peter Aside to Joseph Surface. I! not for the world!⁠—
Exit Joseph Surface.
Ah, Charles, if you associated more with your brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation. He is a man of sentiment. — Well, there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment.
Charles Surface Pshaw! he is too moral by half; and so apprehensive of his good name, as he calls it, that I suppose he would as soon let a priest into his house as a girl.
Sir Peter No, no⁠—come, come⁠—you wrong him. No, no! Joseph is no rake, but he is no such saint either in that respect. — Aside. I have a great mind to tell him⁠—we should have such a laugh at Joseph.
Charles Surface Oh, hang him! he’s a very anchorite, a young hermit.
Sir Peter Hark’ee⁠—you must not abuse him; he may chance to hear of it again, I promise you.
Charles Surface Why, you won’t tell him?
Sir Peter No⁠—but⁠—this way. — Aside. Egad, I’ll tell him. — Aloud. Hark’ee⁠—have you a mind to have a good laugh at Joseph?
Charles Surface I should like it of all things.
Sir Peter Then, i’ faith, we will!⁠—I’ll be quit with him for discovering me. — He had a girl with him when I called. Whispers.
Charles Surface What! Joseph? you jest.
Sir Peter Hush!⁠—a little French milliner⁠—and the best of the jest is⁠—she is in the room now.
Charles Surface The devil she is!
Sir Peter Hush! I tell you. Points to the screen.
Charles Surface Behind the screen! ’Slife, let’s unveil her!
Sir Peter No, no⁠—he’s coming:⁠—you shan’t indeed!
Charles Surface Oh, egad, we’ll have a peep at the little milliner!
Sir Peter Not for the world!⁠—Joseph will never forgive me.
Charles Surface I’ll stand by you⁠—
Sir Peter Odds, here he is!
Reenter Joseph Surface just as Charles Surface throws down the screen.22
Charles Surface Lady Teazle, by all that’s wonderful.
Sir Peter Lady Teazle, by all that’s damnable!23
Charles Surface Sir Peter, this is one of the smartest French milliners I ever saw. Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at hide and seek, and I don’t see who is out of the secret. Shall I beg your ladyship to inform me? Not a word!⁠—Brother, will you be pleased to explain this matter? What! is Morality dumb too?⁠—Sir Peter, though I found you in the dark, perhaps you are not so now! All mute!⁠—Well⁠—though I can make nothing of the affair, I suppose you perfectly understand one another; so I will leave you to yourselves. — Going. Brother, I’m sorry to find you have given that worthy man grounds for so much uneasiness. — Sir Peter! there’s nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment! They stand for some time looking at each other.
Exit Charles.
Joseph Surface Sir Peter⁠—notwithstanding⁠—I confess⁠—that appearances are against me⁠—if you will afford me your patience⁠—I make no doubt⁠—but I shall explain everything to your satisfaction.
Sir Peter If you please, sir.
Joseph Surface The fact is, sir, that Lady Teazle, knowing my pretensions to your ward Maria⁠—I say sir, Lady Teazle, being apprehensive of the jealousy of your temper⁠—and knowing my friendship to the family⁠—she, sir, I say⁠—called here⁠—in order that⁠—I might explain these pretensions⁠—but on your coming⁠—being apprehensive⁠—as I said⁠—of your jealousy⁠—she withdrew⁠—and this, you may depend on it, is the whole truth of the matter.
Sir Peter A very clear account, upon my word; and I dare swear the lady will vouch for every article of it.
Lady Teazle For not one word of it, Sir Peter!
Sir Peter How! don’t you think it worth while to agree in the lie?
Lady Teazle There is not one syllable of truth in what that gentleman has told you.
Sir Peter I believe you, upon my soul, ma’am!
Joseph Surface Aside to Lady Teazle. ’Sdeath, madam, will you betray me?
Lady Teazle Good Mr. Hypocrite, by your leave, I’ll speak for myself.
Sir Peter Ay, let her alone, sir; you’ll find she’ll make out a better story than you, without prompting.
Lady Teazle Hear me, Sir Peter!⁠—I came here on no matter relating to your ward, and even ignorant of this gentleman’s pretensions to her. But I came, seduced by his insidious arguments, at least to listen to his pretended passion, if not to sacrifice your honour to his baseness.
Sir Peter Now, I believe, the truth is coming, indeed!
Joseph Surface The woman’s mad.
Lady Teazle No, sir; she has recovered her senses, and your own arts have furnished her with the means. — Sir Peter, I do not expect you to credit me⁠—but the tenderness you expressed for me, when I am sure you could not think I was a witness to it, has so penetrated to my heart, that had I left the place without the shame of this discovery, my future life should have spoken the sincerity of my gratitude. As for that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who would have seduced the wife of his too credulous friend, while he affected honourable addresses to his ward⁠—I behold him now in a light so truly despicable, that I shall never again respect myself for having listened to him.
Exit Lady Teazle.
Joseph Surface Notwithstanding all this, Sir Peter, Heaven knows⁠—
Sir Peter That you are a villain! and so I leave you to your conscience.
Joseph Surface You are too rash, Sir Peter; you shall hear me. The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to⁠—
Sir Peter Oh, damn your sentiments!
Exeunt Sir Peter and Joseph Surface, talking.