The School for Scandal

Act III

Scene I

A room in Sir Peter Teazle’s house.

	Enter Sir Peter Teazle, Sir Oliver Surface, and Rowley.
Sir Peter	Well, then we will see this fellow first, and have our wine afterwards. — But how is this, Master Rowley? I don’t see the jet of your scheme.
Rowley	Why, sir, this Mr. Stanley, whom I was speaking of, is nearly related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin, but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes. He has applied, by letter, both to Mr. Surface and Charles: from the former he has received nothing but evasive promises of future service, while Charles has done all that his extravagence has left him power to do; and he is, at this time, endeavouring to raise a sum of money, part of which, in the midst of his own distresses, I know he intends for the service of poor Stanley.
Sir Oliver	Ah! he is my brother’s son.
Sir Peter	Well, but how is Sir Oliver personally to⁠—
Rowley	Why, sir, I will inform Charles and his brother, that Stanley has obtained permission to apply personally to his friends; and, as they have neither of them ever seen him, let Sir Oliver assume his character, and he will have a fair opportunity of judging, at least, of the benevolence of their dispositions: and believe me, sir, you will find in the youngest brother one who, in the midst of folly and dissipation, has still as our immortal bard expresses it⁠— “a heart to pity, and a hand, Open as day, for melting charity.”
Sir Peter	Pshaw! What signifies his having an open hand or purse either, when he has nothing left to give? Well, well⁠—make the trial, if you please. But where is the fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to examine, relative to Charles’s affairs?
Rowley	Below, waiting his commands, and no one can give him better intelligence. — This, Sir Oliver, is a friendly Jew, who, to do him justice, has done everything in his power to bring your nephew to a proper sense of his extravagance.
Sir Peter	Pray let us have him in.
Rowley	Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs. Apart to Servant.
Sir Peter	But, pray, why should you suppose he will speak the truth?
Rowley	Oh, I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering certain sums advanced to Charles but through the bounty of Sir Oliver, who he knows is arrived; so that you may depend on his fidelity to his own interests. I have also another evidence in my power, one Snake, whom I have detected in a matter little short of forgery, and shall shortly produce to remove some of your prejudices, Sir Peter, relative to Charles and Lady Teazle.
Sir Peter	I have heard too much on that subject.
Rowley	Here comes the honest Israelite. —
	Enter Moses.
	—This is Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver	Sir, I understand you have lately had great dealings with my nephew Charles.
Moses	Yes, Sir Oliver, I have done all I could for him; but he was ruined before he came to me for assistance.
Sir Oliver	That was unlucky, truly; for you have had no opportunity of showing your talents.
Moses	None at all; I hadn’t the pleasure of knowing his distresses till he was some thousands worse than nothing.
Sir Oliver	Unfortunate, indeed!⁠—But I suppose you have done all in your power for him, honest Moses?
Moses	Yes, he knows that. — This very evening I was to have brought him a gentleman from the city, who does not know him, and will, I believe, advance him some money.
Sir Peter	What⁠—one Charles has never had money from before?
Moses	Yes, Mr. Premium, of Crutched Friars, formerly a broker.
Sir Peter	Egad, Sir Oliver, a thought strikes me!⁠—Charles, you say, does not know Mr. Premium?
Moses	Not at all.
Sir Peter	Now then, Sir Oliver, you may have a better opportunity of satisfying yourself than by an old romancing tale of a poor relation! go with my friend Moses, and represent Premium, and then, I’ll answer for it, you’ll see your nephew in all his glory.
Sir Oliver	Egad, I like this idea better than the other, and I may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.
Sir Peter	True⁠—so you may.
Rowley	Well, this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage, to be sure. However, Moses, you understand Sir Peter, and will be faithful?
Moses	You may depend upon me. — Looks at his watch. This is near the time I was to have gone.
Sir Oliver	I’ll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses⁠—But hold! I have forgot one thing⁠—how the plague shall I be able to pass for a Jew?
Moses	There’s no need⁠—the principal is Christian.
Sir Oliver	Is he? I’m very sorry to hear it. But, then again, an’t I rather too smartly dressed to look like a moneylender?
Sir Peter	Not at all: ’t would not be out of character, if you went in your own carriage⁠—would it, Moses?
Moses	Not in the least.
Sir Oliver	Well, but how must I talk? there’s certainly some cant of usury and mode of treating that I ought to know.
Sir Peter	Oh, there’s not much to learn. The great point, as I take it, is to be exorbitant enough in your demands. Hey, Moses?
Moses	Yes, that’s a very great point.
Sir Oliver	I’ll answer for ’t I’ll not be wanting in that. I’ll ask him eight or ten percent on the loan, at least.
Moses	If you ask him no more than that, you’ll be discovered immediately.
Sir Oliver	Hey!⁠—what the plague⁠—how much then?
Moses	That depends upon the circumstances. If he appears not very anxious for the supply, you should require only forty or fifty percent; but if you find him in great distress, and want the moneys very bad, you may ask double.
Sir Peter	A good honest trade you’re learning, Sir Oliver!
Sir Oliver	Truly, I think so⁠—and not unprofitable.
Moses	Then, you know, you haven’t the moneys yourself, but are forced to borrow them for him of a friend.
Sir Oliver	Oh! I borrow it of a friend, do I?
Moses	And your friend is an unconscionable dog: but you can’t help that.
Sir Oliver	My friend an unconscionable dog, is he?
Moses	Yes, and he himself has not the moneys by him, but is forced to sell stock at a great loss.
Sir Oliver	He is forced to sell stock at a great loss, is he? Well, that’s very kind of him.
Sir Peter	I’faith, Sir Oliver⁠—Mr. Premium, I mean⁠—you’ll soon be master of the trade. But, Moses! would not you have him run out a little against the Annuity Bill?10 That would be in character, I should think.
Moses	Very much.
Rowley	And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion before he is suffered to ruin himself.
Moses	Ay, great pity.
Sir Peter	And abuse the public for allowing merit to an act whose only object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious grip of usury, and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being undone by coming into possession.
Sir Oliver	So, so⁠—Moses shall give me farther instructions as we go together.
Sir Peter	You will not have much time, for your nephew lives hard by.
Sir Oliver	Oh, never fear! my tutor appears so able, that though Charles lived in the next street, it must be my own fault if I am not a complete rogue before I turn the corner.
	Exit with Moses.
Sir Peter	So, now, I think Sir Oliver will be convinced: you are partial, Rowley, and would have prepared Charles for the other plot.
Rowley	No, upon my word, Sir Peter.
Sir Peter	Well, go bring me this Snake, and I’ll hear what he has to say presently. — I see Maria, and want to speak with her. —
	Exit Rowley.
	I should be glad to be convinced my suspicions of Lady Teazle and Charles were unjust. I have never yet opened my mind on this subject to my friend Joseph⁠—I am determined I will do it⁠—he will give me his opinion sincerely.
	Enter Maria.
	So, child, has Mr. Surface returned with you?
Maria	No, sir; he was engaged.
Sir Peter	Well, Maria, do you not reflect, the more you converse with that amiable young man, what return his partiality for you deserves?
Maria	Indeed, Sir Peter, your frequent importunity on this subject distresses me extremely⁠—you compel me to declare that I know no man who has ever paid me a particular attention whom I would not prefer to Mr. Surface.
Sir Peter	So⁠—here’s perverseness!⁠—No, no, Maria, ’tis Charles only whom you would prefer. ’T is evident his vices and follies have won your heart.
Maria	This is unkind, sir. You know I have obeyed you in neither seeing nor corresponding with him: I have heard enough to convince me that he is unworthy my regard. Yet I cannot think it culpable, if, while my understanding severely condemns his vices, my heart suggests some pity for his distresses.
Sir Peter	Well, well, pity him as much as you please; but give your heart and hand to a worthier object.
Maria	Never to his brother!
Sir Peter	Go, perverse and obstinate! But take care, madam; you have never yet known what the authority of a guardian is: don’t compel me to inform you of it.
Maria	I can only say you shall not have just reason. ’T is true, by my father’s will, I am for a short period bound to regard you as his substitute; but must cease to think you so, when you would compel me to be miserable.
	Exit Maria.
Sir Peter	Was ever man so crossed as I am? everything conspiring to fret me! I had not been involved in matrimony a fortnight, before her father, a hale and hearty man, died, on purpose, I believe, for the pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his daughter. — Lady Teazle sings without. But here comes my helpmate! She appears in great good humour. How happy I should be if I could tease her into loving me, though but a little!
	Enter Lady Teazle.
Lady Teazle	Lud! Sir Peter, I hope you haven’t been quarrelling with Maria? It is not using me well to be ill-humoured when I am not by.
Sir Peter	Ah, Lady Teazle, you might have the power to make me good-humoured at all times.
Lady Teazle	I am sure I wish I had; for I want you to be in a charming sweet temper at this moment. Do be good-humoured now, and let me have two hundred pounds, will you?
Sir Peter	Two hundred pounds; what, an’t I to be in a good humour without paying for it! But speak to me thus, and i’ faith there’s nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it; but seal me a bond for the repayment.
Lady Teazle	Oh, no⁠—there⁠—my note of hand will do as well. Offering her hand.
Sir Peter	And you shall no longer reproach me with not giving you an independent settlement. I mean shortly to surprise you:⁠—but shall we always live thus, hey?
Lady Teazle	If you please. I’m sure I don’t care how soon we leave off quarrelling, provided you’ll own you were tired first.
Sir Peter	Well⁠—then let our future contest be, who shall be most obliging.
Lady Teazle	I assure you, Sir Peter, good nature becomes you. You look now as you did before we were married, when you used to walk with me under the elms, and tell me stories of what a gallant you were in your youth, and chuck me under the chin, you would; and ask me if I thought I could love an old fellow who would deny me nothing⁠—didn’t you?
Sir Peter	Yes, yes, and you were as kind and attentive⁠—
Lady Teazle	Ay, so I was, and would always take your part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you, and turn you into ridicule.
Sir Peter	Indeed!
Lady Teazle	Ay, and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff, peevish old bachelor, and laughed at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my father, I have always defended you⁠—and said, I didn’t think you so ugly by any means.
Sir Peter	Thank you.
Lady Teazle	And I dared say you’d make a very good sort of a husband.
Sir Peter	And you prophesied right; and we shall now be the happiest couple⁠—
Lady Teazle	And never differ again?
Sir Peter	No, never!11⁠—though at the same time, indeed, my dear Lady Teazle, you must watch your temper very seriously; for in all our little quarrels, my dear, if you recollect, my love, you always began first.
Lady Teazle	I beg your pardon, my dear Sir Peter: indeed you always gave the provocation.
Sir Peter	Now see, my angel! take care⁠—contradicting isn’t the way to keep friends.
Lady Teazle	Then don’t you begin it, my love!
Sir Peter	There, now! you⁠—you are going on. You don’t perceive, my life, that you are just doing the very thing which you know always makes me angry.
Lady Teazle	Nay, you know if you will be angry without any reason, my dear⁠—
Sir Peter	There! now you want to quarrel again.
Lady Teazle	No, I’m sure I don’t: but if you will be so peevish⁠—
Sir Peter	There now! who begins first?
Lady Teazle	Why, you, to be sure. I said nothing⁠—but there’s no bearing your temper.
Sir Peter	No, no, madam: the fault’s in your own temper.
Lady Teazle	Ay, you are just what my cousin Sophy said you would be.
Sir Peter	Your cousin Sophy is a forward, impertinent gipsy.
Lady Teazle	You are a great bear, I’m sure, to abuse my relations.
Sir Peter	Now may all the plagues of marriage be doubled on me, if ever I try to be friends with you any more!
Lady Teazle	So much the better.
Sir Peter	No, no, madam: ’tis evident you never cared a pin for me, and I was a madman to marry you⁠—a pert, rural coquette, that had refused half the honest ’squires in the neighbourhood!
Lady Teazle	And I am sure I was a fool to marry you⁠—an old dangling bachelor, who was single at fifty, only because he never could meet with anyone who would have him.
Sir Peter	Ay, ay, madam; but you were pleased enough to listen to me: you never had such an offer before.
Lady Teazle	No! didn’t I refuse Sir Tivy Terrier, who everybody said would have been a better match? for his estate is just as good as yours, and he has broke his neck since we have been married.
Sir Peter	I have done with you, madam! You are an unfeeling, ungrateful⁠—but there’s an end of everything. I believe you capable of everything that is bad. Yes, madam, I now believe the reports relative to you and Charles, madam. Yes, madam, you and Charles are⁠—not without grounds⁠—
Lady Teazle	Take care, Sir Peter! you had better not insinuate any such thing! I’ll not be suspected without cause, I promise you.
Sir Peter	Very well, madam! very well! A separate maintenance as soon as you please. Yes, madam, or a divorce! I’ll make an example of myself for the benefit of all old bachelors. Let us separate, madam.
Lady Teazle	Agreed! agreed! And now, my dear Sir Peter, we are of a mind once more, we may be the happiest couple, and never differ again, you know: ha! ha! ha! Well, you are going to be in a passion, I see, and I shall only interrupt you⁠—so, by! by!
	Exit.
Sir Peter	Plagues and tortures! Can’t I make her angry either! Oh, I am the most miserable fellow! But I’ll not bear her presuming to keep her temper: no! she may break my heart, but she shan’t keep her temper.
	Exit.

Scene II

A room in Charles Surface’s house.

	Enter Trip, Moses, and Sir Oliver Surface.
Trip	Here, Master Moses! if you’ll stay a moment, I’ll try whether⁠—what’s the gentleman’s name?
Sir Oliver	Mr. Moses, what is my name? Aside to Moses.
Moses	Mr. Premium.
Trip	Premium⁠—Very well.
	Exit Trip, taking snuff.
Sir Oliver	To judge by the servants, one wouldn’t believe the master was ruined. But what!⁠—sure, this was my brother’s house?
Moses	Yes, sir; Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph, with the furniture, pictures, etc., just as the old gentleman left it. Sir Peter thought it a piece of extravagance in him.
Sir Oliver	In my mind, the other’s economy in selling it to him was more reprehensible by half.
	Reenter Trip.
Trip	My master says you must wait, gentlemen: he has company, and can’t speak with you yet.
Sir Oliver	If he knew who it was wanted to see him, perhaps he would not send such a message?
Trip	Yes, yes, sir; he knows you are here⁠—I did not forget little Premium: no, no, no.
Sir Oliver	Very well; and I pray, sir, what may be your name?
Trip	Trip, sir; my name is Trip, at your service.
Sir Oliver	Well, then, Mr. Trip, you have a pleasant sort of place here, I guess?
Trip	Why, yes⁠—here are three or four of us pass our time agreeably enough; but then our wages are sometimes a little in arrear⁠—and not very great either⁠—but fifty pounds a year, and find our own bags and bouquets!12
Sir Oliver	Bags and bouquets! halters and bastinadoes. Aside.
Trip	And apropos, Moses⁠—have you been able to get me that little bill discounted?
Sir Oliver	Wants to raise money too!⁠—mercy on me! Has his distresses too, I warrant, like a lord, and affects creditors and duns. Aside.
Moses	’T was not to be done, indeed, Mr. Trip.
Trip	Good lack, you surprise me! My friend Brush has endorsed it, and I thought when he put his name at the back of a bill ’twas the same as cash.
Moses	No, ’t wouldn’t do.
Trip	A small sum⁠—but twenty pounds. Hark’ee, Moses, do you think you couldn’t get it me by way of annuity?
Sir Oliver	An annuity! ha! ha! a footman raise money by way of annuity! Well done, luxury, egad! Aside.
Moses	Well, but you must insure your place.
Trip	Oh, with all my heart! I’ll insure my place and my life too, if you please.
Sir Oliver	It is more than I would your neck. Aside.
Moses	But is there nothing you could deposit?
Trip	Why, nothing capital of my master’s wardrobe has dropped lately; but I could give you a mortgage on some of his winter clothes, with equity of redemption before November⁠—or you shall have the reversion of the French velvet,13 or a post-obit on the blue and silver;⁠—these, I should think, Moses, with a few pair of point ruffles, as a collateral security⁠—hey, my little fellow?
Moses	Well, well. Bell rings.
Trip	Egad, I heard the bell! I believe, gentlemen, I can now introduce you. Don’t forget the annuity, little Moses! This way, gentlemen, I’ll insure my place, you know.
Sir Oliver	Aside. If the man be a shadow of the master, this is the temple of dissipation indeed!
	Exeunt.

Scene III

Another room in the same.

	Charles Surface, Sir Harry Bumper, Careless, and Gentlemen, discovered drinking.
Charles Surface	’Fore heaven, ’tis true!⁠—there’s the great degeneracy of the age. Many of our acquaintance have taste, spirit, and politeness; but, plague on’t, they won’t drink.
Careless	It is so, indeed, Charles! they give in to all the substantial luxuries of the table, and abstain from nothing but wine and wit. Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably! for now, instead of the social spirit of raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy, their conversation is become just like the Spa-water they drink, which has all the pertness and flatulency of champagne, without its spirit or flavour.
1st Gentleman	But what are they to do who love play better than wine?
Careless	True! there’s Sir Harry diets himself for gaining, and is now under a hazard regimen.
Charles Surface	Then he’ll have the worst of it. What! you wouldn’t train a horse for the course by keeping him from corn? For my part, egad, I am never so successful as when I am a little merry: let me throw on a bottle of champagne, and I never lose.
All	Hey, what?
Charles Surface	At least I never feel my losses, which is exactly the same thing.
2nd Gentleman	Ay, that I believe.
Charles Surface	And then, what man can pretend to be a believer in love, who is an abjurer of wine? ’T is the test by which the lover knows his own heart. Fill a dozen bumpers to a dozen beauties, and she that floats at the top is the maid that has bewitched you.
Careless	Now then, Charles, be honest, and give us your real favourite.
Charles Surface	Why, I have withheld her only in compassion to you. If I toast her, you must give a round of her peers, which is impossible⁠—on earth.
Careless	Oh! then we’ll find some canonized vestals or heathen goddesses that will do, I warrant!
Charles Surface	Here then, bumpers, you rogues! bumpers! Maria! Maria!⁠—
Sir Harry	Maria who?
Charles Surface	Oh, damn the surname!⁠—’tis too formal to be registered in Love’s calendar⁠—Maria!
All	Maria!
Charles Surface	But now, Sir Harry, beware, we must have beauty superlative.
Careless	Nay, never study, Sir Harry: we’ll stand to the toast, though your mistress should want an eye, and you know you have a song will excuse you.
Sir Harry	Egad, so I have! and I’ll give him the song instead of the lady.14 Song Here’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen; Here’s to the widow of fifty; Here’s to the flaunting extravagant quean, And here’s to the housewife that’s thrifty. Chorus. Let the toast pass⁠— Drink to the lass, I’ll warrant she’ll prove an excuse for the glass. Here’s to the charmer whose dimples we prize; Now to the maid who has none, sir: Here’s to the girl with a pair of blue eyes, And here’s to the nymph with but one, sir. Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. Here’s to the maid with a bosom of snow: Now to her that’s as brown as a berry, Here’s to the wife with a face full of woe, And now to the damsel that’s merry. Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc. For let ’em be clumsy, or let ’em be slim, Young or ancient, I care not a feather; So fill a pint bumper quite up to the brim, So fill up your glasses, nay, fill to the brim, And let us e’en toast them together. Chorus. Let the toast pass, etc.
All	Bravo! bravo!
	Enter Trip, and whispers Charles Surface.
Charles Surface	Gentlemen, you must excuse me a little⁠—Careless, take the chair, will you?
Careless	Nay, prithee, Charles, what now? This is one of your peerless beauties, I suppose, has dropped in by chance?
Charles Surface	No, faith! To tell you the truth, ’tis a Jew and a broker, who are come by appointment.
Careless	Oh, damn it! let’s have the Jew in.
1st Gentleman	Ay, and the broker too, by all means.
2nd Gentleman	Yes, yes, the Jew and the broker.
Charles Surface	Egad, with all my heart!⁠—Trip, bid the gentlemen walk in. —
	Exit Trip.
	Though there’s one of them a stranger, I can tell you.
Careless	Charles, let us give them some generous Burgundy, and perhaps they’ll grow conscientious.
Charles Surface	Oh, hang ’em, no! wine does but draw forth a man’s natural qualities; and to make them drink would only be to whet their knavery.
	Reenter Trip, with Sir Oliver Surface* and Moses.*
Charles Surface	So, honest Moses; walk in, pray, Mr. Premium⁠—that’s the gentleman’s name, isn’t it, Moses?
Moses	Yes, sir.
Charles Surface	Set chairs, Trip.⁠—Sit down, Mr. Premium.⁠—Glasses, Trip.⁠—
	Gives chairs and glasses, and exit.
	Sit down, Moses.⁠—Come, Mr. Premium, I’ll give you a sentiment; here’s Success to usury!⁠—Moses, fill the gentleman a bumper.
Moses	Success to usury! Drinks.
Careless	Right, Moses⁠—usury is prudence and industry, and deserves to succeed.
Sir Oliver	Then⁠—here’s all the success it deserves! Drinks.
Careless	No, no, that won’t do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
1st Gentleman	A pint bumper, at least.
Moses	Oh, pray, sir, consider⁠—Mr. Premium’s a gentleman.15
Careless	And therefore loves good wine.
2nd Gentleman	Give Moses a quart glass⁠—this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair.
Careless	Here, now for ’t! I’ll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle.
Sir Oliver	Nay, pray, gentlemen⁠—I did not expect this usage.
Charles Surface	No, hang it, you shan’t; Mr. Premium’s a stranger.
Sir Oliver	Odd! I wish I was well out of their company. Aside.
Careless	Plague on ’em! if they won’t drink, we’ll not sit down with them. Come, Harry, the dice are in the next room.⁠—Charles, you’ll join us when you have finished your business with the gentlemen?
Charles Surface	I will! I will!⁠—
	Exeunt Sir Harry Bumper* and Gentlemen; Careless following.*
	Careless!
Careless	Returning. Well!
Charles Surface	Perhaps I may want you.
Careless	Oh, you know I am always ready: word, note, or bond, ’tis all the same to me.⁠—
	Exit.
Moses	Sir, this is Mr. Premium, a gentleman of the strictest honour and secrecy; and always performs what he undertakes. Mr. Premium, this is⁠—
Charles Surface	Pshaw! have done. Sir, my friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little slow at expression: he’ll be an hour giving us our titles. Mr. Premium, the plain state of the matter is this: I am an extravagant young fellow who wants to borrow money; you I take to be a prudent old fellow, who have got money to lend. I am blockhead enough to give fifty percent sooner than not have it; and you, I presume, are rogue enough to take a hundred if you can get it. Now, sir, you see we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to business without farther ceremony.
Sir Oliver	Exceeding frank, upon my word. I see, sir, you are not a man of many compliments.
Charles Surface	Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
Sir Oliver	Sir, I like you the better for it. However, you are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he’s an unconscionable dog. Isn’t he, Moses?
Moses	But you can’t help that.
Sir Oliver	And must sell stock to accommodate you. — Mustn’t he, Moses?
Moses	Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!
Charles Surface	Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn’t to be bought without paying for ’t!
Sir Oliver	Well, but what security could you give? You have no land, I suppose?
Charles Surface	Not a molehill, nor a twig, but what’s in the bough-pots out of the window!
Sir Oliver	Nor any stock, I presume?
Charles Surface	Nothing but live stock⁠—and that’s only a few pointers and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all with any of my connections?
Sir Oliver	Why, to say truth, I am.
Charles Surface	Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest expectations?
Sir Oliver	That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
Charles Surface	Oh, no!⁠—there can be no doubt. They tell me I’m a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
Sir Oliver	Indeed! this is the first I’ve heard of it.
Charles Surface	Yes, yes, ’tis just so. — Moses knows ’tis true; don’t you, Moses?
Moses	Oh, yes! I’ll swear to ’t.16
Sir Oliver	Egad, they’ll persuade me presently I’m at Bengal. Aside.
Charles Surface	Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it’s agreeable to you, a post-obit on Sir Oliver’s life; though at the same time the old fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
Sir Oliver	Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me⁠—for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
Charles Surface	Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know, you would come on me for the money.
Sir Oliver	Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun you ever had in your life.
Charles Surface	What! I suppose you’re afraid that Sir Oliver is too good a life?
Sir Oliver	No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
Charles Surface	There, again, now you are misinformed. No, no, the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver. Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I’m told⁠—and is so much altered lately that his nearest relations don’t know him.
Sir Oliver	No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his nearest relations don’t know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad⁠—ha! ha! ha!
Charles Surface	Ha! ha!⁠—you’re glad to hear that, little Premium?
Sir Oliver	No, no, I’m not.
Charles Surface	Yes, yes, you are⁠—ha! ha! ha!⁠—you know that mends your chance.
Sir Oliver	But I’m told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say he is actually arrived.
Charles Surface	Pshaw! sure I must know better than you whether he’s come or not. No, no, rely on’t he’s at this moment at Calcutta. — Isn’t he, Moses?
Moses	Oh, yes, certainly.
Sir Oliver	Very true, as you say, you must know better than I, though I have it from pretty good authority. — Haven’t I, Moses?
Moses	Yes, most undoubtedly!
Sir Oliver	But, sir, as I understand, you want a few hundreds immediately⁠—is there nothing you could dispose of?
Charles Surface	How do you mean?
Sir Oliver	For instance, now, I have heard that your father left behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
Charles Surface	O Lud! that’s gone long ago. Moses can tell you how better than I can.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Good lack! all the family race-cups and corporation-bowls! Aloud. Then it was also supposed that his library was one of the most valuable and compact⁠—
Charles Surface	Yes, yes, so it was⁠—vastly too much so for a private gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition, so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the family like an heirloom⁠—Aloud. Pray, what are become of the books?
Charles Surface	You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don’t believe even Moses can direct you.
Moses	I know nothing of books.
Sir Oliver	So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
Charles Surface	Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above; and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have ’em a bargain!
Sir Oliver	Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn’t sell your forefathers, would you?
Charles Surface	Every man of them, to the best bidder.
Sir Oliver	What, your great-uncles and aunts?
Charles Surface	Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
Sir Oliver	Aside. Now I give him up!⁠—Aloud. What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd’s life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?
Charles Surface	Nay, my little broker, don’t be angry: what need you care, if you have your money’s worth?
Sir Oliver	Well, I’ll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas. — Aside. Oh, I’ll never forgive him this! never!
	Reenter Careless.
Careless	Come, Charles, what keeps you?
Charles Surface	I can’t come yet. I’faith, we are going to have a sale above-stairs; here’s little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
Careless	Oh, burn your ancestors!
Charles Surface	No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer⁠—so come along with us.
Careless	Oh, have with you, if that’s the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice-box! Going! going!
Sir Oliver	Oh, the profligates! Aside.
Charles Surface	Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad’s life, little Premium, you don’t seem to like the business?
Sir Oliver	Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one’s family by auction⁠—ha! ha!⁠—Aside. Oh, the prodigal!
Charles Surface	To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can’t make free with his own relations?
Sir Oliver	I’ll never forgive him; never! never!
	Exeunt.