Hay Fever

By Noël Coward.

Imprint

The Standard Ebooks logo.

This ebook is the product of many hours of hard work by volunteers for Standard Ebooks, and builds on the hard work of other literature lovers made possible by the public domain.

This particular ebook is based on a transcription from Project Gutenberg and on digital scans from the Internet Archive.

The source text and artwork in this ebook are believed to be in the United States public domain; that is, they are believed to be free of copyright restrictions in the United States. They may still be copyrighted in other countries, so users located outside of the United States must check their local laws before using this ebook. The creators of, and contributors to, this ebook dedicate their contributions to the worldwide public domain via the terms in the CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication. For full license information, see the Uncopyright at the end of this ebook.

Standard Ebooks is a volunteer-driven project that produces ebook editions of public domain literature using modern typography, technology, and editorial standards, and distributes them free of cost. You can download this and other ebooks carefully produced for true book lovers at standardebooks.org.

To
Lorn Loraine

Characters

The action of the play takes place in the hall of the Blisses’ house at Cookham, in June.

Act I: Saturday afternoon.

Act II: Saturday evening.

Act III: Sunday morning.

Hay Fever

Act I

Scene: The hall of David Bliss’s house is very comfortable and extremely untidy. There are several of Simon’s cartoons scattered about the walls, masses of highly coloured American and classical music strewn about the piano, and lots of flowers and comfortable furniture. A staircase ascends to a small balcony leading to the bedrooms, David’s study and Simon’s room. There is a door leading to the library down R. A service door above it under the stairs. There are French windows at back, and the front door on the L.

When the curtain rises it is about three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon in June.

Simon, in an extremely dirty tennis shirt and baggy grey flannel trousers, is crouched in the middle of the floor, cutting out squares from cartridge paper.

Sorel, more neatly dressed, is stretched on the sofa, reading a very violently bound volume of poems which have been sent to her by an aspiring friend.

Sorel Listen to this, Simon. She reads. “Love’s a Trollop stained with wine⁠—Clawing at the breasts of Adolescence⁠—Nuzzling, tearing, shrieking, beating⁠—God, why were we fashioned so!” She laughs.
Simon The poor girl’s potty.
Sorel I wish she hadn’t sent me the beastly book. I must say something nice about it.
Simon The binding’s very dashing.
Sorel She used to be such fun before she married that gloomy little man.
Simon She was always a fierce poseuse. It’s so silly of people to try and cultivate the artistic temperament. Au fond she’s just a normal, bouncing Englishwoman.
Sorel You didn’t shave this morning.
Simon I know I didn’t, but I’m going to in a minute, when I’ve finished this.
Sorel I sometimes wish we were more normal and bouncing, Simon.
Simon Why?
Sorel I should like to be a fresh, open-air girl with a passion for games.
Simon Thank God you’re not.
Sorel It would be so soothing.
Simon Not in this house.
Sorel Where’s Mother?
Simon In the garden, practising.
Sorel Practising?
Simon She’s learning the names of the flowers by heart.
Sorel What’s she up to?
Simon I don’t know.⁠—Damn! that’s crooked.
Sorel I always distrust her when she becomes the Squire’s lady.
Simon So do I.
Sorel She’s been at it hard all day⁠—she tapped the barometer this morning.
Simon She’s probably got a plan about impressing somebody.
Sorel Taking a cigarette. I wonder who.
Simon Some dreary, infatuated young man will appear soon, I expect.
Sorel Not today? You don’t think she’s asked anyone down today, do you?
Simon I don’t know. Has Father noticed anything?
Sorel No; he’s too immersed in work.
Simon Perhaps Clara will know.
Sorel Yell for her.
Simon Calling. Clara! Clara!⁠ ⁠…
Sorel Oh, Simon, I do hope she hasn’t asked anyone down today.
Simon Why? Have you?
Sorel Yes.
Simon Crossly. Why on earth didn’t you tell me?
Sorel I didn’t think you’d care one way or another.
Simon Who is it?
Sorel Richard Greatham.
Simon How exciting! I’ve never heard of him.
Sorel I shouldn’t flaunt your ignorance if I were you⁠—it makes you look silly.
Simon Rising. Well, that’s done. He rolls up the cartridge paper.
Sorel Everybody’s heard of Richard Greatham.
Simon Amiably. How lovely for them.
Sorel He’s a frightfully well-known diplomatist⁠—I met him at the Mainwarings’ dance.
Simon He’ll need all his diplomacy here.
Sorel I warned him not to expect good manners, but I hope you’ll be as pleasant to him as you can.
Simon Gently. I’ve never met any diplomatists, Sorel, but as a class I’m extremely prejudiced against them. They’re so suave and polished and debonair.
Sorel You could be a little more polished without losing caste.
Simon Will he have the papers with him?
Sorel What papers?
Simon Vaguely. Oh, any papers.
Sorel I wish you’d confine your biting irony to your caricatures, Simon.
Simon And I wish you’d confine your girlish infatuations to London, and not force them on your defenceless family.
Sorel I shall keep him out of your way as much as possible.
Simon Do, darling.
Enter Clara. She is a hot, round, untidy little woman.
Simon Clara, has Mother asked anyone down this weekend?
Clara I don’t know, dear. There isn’t much food in the house, and Amy’s got toothache.
Sorel I’ve got some oil of cloves somewhere.
Clara She tried that, but it only burnt her tongue. The poor girl’s been writhing about in the scullery like one o’clock.
Sorel You haven’t forgotten to put those flowers in the Japanese room?
Simon The Japanese room is essentially feminine, and entirely unsuited to the Pet of the Foreign Office.
Sorel Shut up, Simon.
Clara The room looks lovely, dear⁠—you needn’t worry. Just like your mother’s dressing-room on a first night.
Simon How restful!
Clara To Sorel. Have you told her about your boy friend?
Sorel Pained. Not boy friend, Clara.
Clara Going round, picking up things. Oh, well, whatever he is.
Simon I think Sorel’s beginning to be ashamed of us all, Clara⁠—I don’t altogether blame her; we are very slapdash.
Clara Are you going to leave that picture in the guests’ bathroom, dear? I don’t know if it’s quite the thing⁠—lots of pink, naked women rolling about in a field.
Simon Severely. Nudity can be very beautiful, Clara.
Clara Oh, can it! Perhaps being a dresser for so long ’as spoilt me eye for it. She goes out.
Simon Clara’s looking tired. We ought to have more servants and not depend on her so much.
Sorel You know we can never keep them. You’re right about us being slapdash, Simon. I wish we weren’t.
Simon Does it matter?
Sorel It must, I think⁠—to other people.
Simon It’s not our fault⁠—it’s the way we’ve been brought up.
Sorel Well, if we’re clever enough to realise that, we ought to be clever enough to change ourselves.
Simon I’m not sure that I want to.
Sorel We’re so awfully bad-mannered.
Simon Not to people we like.
Sorel The people we like put up with it because they like us.
Simon What do you mean, exactly, by bad manners? Lack of social tricks and small-talk?
Sorel We never attempt to look after people when they come here.
Simon Why should we? It’s loathsome being looked after.
Sorel Yes, but people like little attentions. We’ve never once asked anyone if they’ve slept well.
Simon I consider that an impertinence, anyhow.
Sorel I’m going to try to improve.
Simon You’re only going on like this because you’ve got a mania for a diplomatist. You’ll soon return to normal.
Sorel Earnestly. Abnormal, Simon⁠—that’s what we are. Abnormal. People stare in astonishment when we say what we consider perfectly ordinary things. I just remarked at Freda’s lunch the other day how nice it would be if someone invented something to make all our faces go up like the Chinese, because I was so bored with them going down⁠—and they all thought I was mad!
Simon It’s no use worrying, darling; we see things differently, I suppose, and if people don’t like it they must lump it.
Sorel Mother’s been awfully restless lately.
Simon Yes, I know.
Sorel Life must be terribly dull for her now, with nothing to do.
Simon She’ll go back soon, I expect; people never retire from the stage for long.
Sorel Father will be livid if she does.
Simon That won’t matter.
Enter Judith from the garden. She is carrying an armful of flowers and wearing a tea-gown, a large garden hat, gauntlet gloves and goloshes.
Judith You look awfully dirty, Simon. What have you been doing?
Simon Nonchalantly. Not washing very much.
Judith You should, darling, really. It’s so bad for your skin to leave things about on it. She proceeds to take off her goloshes.
Sorel Clara says Amy’s got toothache.
Judith Poor dear! There’s some oil of cloves in my medicine cupboard. Who is Amy?
Sorel The scullery-maid, I think.
Judith How extraordinary! She doesn’t look Amy a bit, does she? Much more Flossie.⁠—Give me a cigarette.
Sorel gives her a cigarette and lights it.
Delphiniums are those stubby red flowers, aren’t they?
Simon No, darling, they’re tall and blue.
Judith Yes, of course. The red ones are somebody’s name⁠—asters, that’s it. I knew it was something opulent. I do hope Clara has remembered about the Japanese room.
Sorel Japanese room!
Judith Yes; I told her to put some flowers in it and take Simon’s flannels out of the wardrobe drawer.
Sorel So did I.
Judith Ominously. Why?
Sorel Airily. I’ve asked Richard Greatham down for the weekend⁠—I didn’t think you’d mind.
Judith Mind! How dared you do such a thing?
Sorel He’s a diplomatist.
Judith That makes it much worse. We must wire and put him off at once.
Sorel It’s too late.
Judith Well, we’ll tell Clara to say we’ve been called away.
Sorel That would be extremely rude, and, anyhow, I want to see him.
Judith You mean to stand there in cold blood and tell me you’ve asked a complete stranger down for the weekend, and that you want to see him!
Sorel I’ve often done it before.
Judith I fail to see how that helps matters. Where’s he going to sleep?
Sorel The Japanese room.
Judith Oh, no, he isn’t⁠—Sandy Tyrell is sleeping in it.
Simon There now! What did I tell you?
Sorel Sandy⁠—what?
Judith Tyrell, dear.
Simon Why didn’t you tell us, Mother?
Judith I did. I’ve talked of nothing but Sandy Tyrell for days. I adore Sandy Tyrell.
Simon You’ve never mentioned him.
Sorel Who is he, Mother?
Judith He’s a perfect darling, and madly in love with me⁠—at least, it isn’t me really, it’s my Celebrated Actress glamour⁠—but it gives me a divinely cosy feeling. I met him at Nora Trent’s.
Sorel Mother, I wish you’d give up this sort of thing.
Judith What exactly do you mean by “this sort of thing,” Sorel?
Sorel You know perfectly well what I mean.
Judith Are you attempting to criticise me?
Sorel I should have thought you’d be above encouraging silly callow young men who are infatuated by your name.
Judith That may be true, but I shall allow nobody but myself to say it. I hoped you’d grow up a good daughter to me, not a critical aunt.
Sorel It’s so terribly cheap.
Judith Cheap! Nonsense! What about your diplomatist?
Sorel Surely that’s a little different, dear?
Judith If you mean that because you happen to be a vigorous ingénue of nineteen you have the complete monopoly of any amorous adventure there may be about, I feel it my firm duty to disillusion you.
Sorel But, Mother⁠—
Judith Anyone would think I was eighty, the way you go on. It was a great mistake not sending you to boarding schools, and you coming back and me being your elder sister.
Simon It wouldn’t have been any use. Everyone knows we’re your son and daughter.
Judith Only because I was stupid enough to dandle you about in front of cameras when you were little. I knew I should regret it.
Simon I don’t see any point in trying to be younger than you are.
Judith At your age, dear, it would be indecent if you did.
Sorel But, Mother darling, don’t you see, it’s awfully undignified for you to go flaunting about with young men?
Judith I don’t flaunt about⁠—I never have. I’ve been morally an extremely nice woman all my life⁠—more or less⁠—and if dabbling gives me pleasure, I don’t see why I shouldn’t dabble.
Sorel But it oughtn’t to give you pleasure any more.
Judith You know, Sorel, you grow more damnably feminine every day. I wish I’d brought you up differently.
Sorel I’m proud of being feminine.
Judith Kissing her. You’re a darling, and I adore you; and you’re very pretty, and I’m madly jealous of you.
Sorel With her arms round her. Are you really? How lovely.
Judith You will be nice to Sandy, won’t you?
Sorel Breaking away. Can’t he sleep in “Little Hell”?
Judith My dear, he’s frightfully athletic, and all those hot-water pipes will sap his vitality.
Sorel They’ll sap Richard’s vitality too.
Judith He won’t notice them; he’s probably used to scorching tropical Embassies with punkahs waving and everything.
Simon He’s sure to be deadly, anyhow.
Sorel You’re getting far too blasé and exclusive, Simon.
Simon Nothing of the sort. Only I loathe being hearty with your men friends.
Sorel You’ve never been even civil to any of my friends, men or women.
Judith Don’t bicker.
Simon Anyhow, the Japanese room’s a woman’s room, and a woman ought to have it.
Judith I promised it to Sandy⁠—he loves anything Japanese.
Simon So does Myra.
Judith Myra!
Simon Myra Arundel. I’ve asked her down.
Judith You’ve⁠—what?
Simon I’ve asked Myra down for the weekend⁠—she’s awfully amusing.
Sorel Well, all I can say is, it’s beastly of you. You might have warned me. What on earth will Richard say?
Simon Something exquisitely noncommittal, I expect.
Judith This is too much! Do you mean to tell me, Simon⁠—
Simon Firmly. Yes, Mother, I do. I’ve asked Myra down, and I have a perfect right to. You’ve always brought us up to be free about things.
Judith Myra Arundel is straining freedom to its utmost limits.
Simon Don’t you like her?
Judith No, dear, I detest her. She’s far too old for you, and she goes about using Sex as a sort of shrimping net.
Simon Really, Mother⁠—!
Judith It’s no use being cross. You know perfectly well I dislike her, and that’s why you never told me she was coming until too late to stop her. It’s intolerable of you.
Sorel Grandly. Whether she’s here or not is a matter of extreme indifference to me, but I’m afraid Richard won’t like her very much.
Simon You’re afraid he’ll like her too much.
Sorel That was an offensive remark, Simon, and rather silly.
Judith Plaintively. Why on earth don’t you fall in love with nice young girls, instead of self-conscious vampires?
Simon She’s not a vampire, and I never said I was in love with her.
Sorel He’s crazy about her. She butters him up and admires his sketches.
Simon What about you picking up old gentlemen at dances?
Sorel Furiously. He’s not old!
Judith You’ve both upset me thoroughly. I wanted a nice, restful weekend, with moments of Sandy’s ingenuous affection to warm the cockles of my heart when I felt in the mood, and now the house is going to be full of discord⁠—not enough food, everyone fighting for the bath⁠—perfect agony! I wish I were dead!
Simon You needn’t worry about Myra and me. We shall keep out of everyone’s way.
Sorel I shall take Richard on the river all day tomorrow.
Judith In what?
Sorel The punt.
Judith I absolutely forbid you to go near the punt.
Simon It’s sure to rain, anyhow.
Judith What your father will say I tremble to think. He needs complete quiet to finish off The Sinful Woman.
Sorel I see no reason for there to be any noise, unless Sandy What’s-his-name is given to shouting.
Judith If you’re rude to Sandy I shall be extremely angry.
Sorel Now, look here, Mother⁠—
Simon Why you should expect⁠—
Judith He’s coming all the way down specially to be nice to me⁠—
Enter David downstairs. He looks slightly irritable.
David Why are you all making such a noise?
Judith I think I’m going mad.
David Why hasn’t Clara brought me my tea?
Judith I don’t know.
David Where is Clara?
Judith Do stop firing questions at me, David.
David Why are you all so irritable? What’s happened?
Enter Clara, with a tray of tea for one.
Clara Here’s your tea. I’m sorry I’m late with it. Amy forgot to put the kettle on⁠—she’s got terrible toothache.
David Poor girl! Give her some oil of cloves.
Sorel If anyone else mentions oil of cloves, I shall do something desperate.
David It’s wonderful stuff. Where’s Zoe?
Simon She was in the garden this morning.
David I suppose no one thought of giving her any lunch?
Clara I put it down by the kitchen table as usual, but she never came in for it.
Sorel She’s probably mousing.
David She isn’t old enough yet. She might have fallen into the river, for all you care. I think it’s a shame!
Clara Don’t you worry your head⁠—Zoe won’t come to any harm; she’s too wily.
David I don’t want to be disturbed. He takes his tray and goes upstairs; then he turns. Listen, Simon. There’s a perfectly sweet flapper coming down by the four-thirty. Will you go and meet her and be nice to her? She’s an abject fool, but a useful type, and I want to study her a little in domestic surroundings. She can sleep in the Japanese room.
He goes off, leaving behind him a deathly silence.
Judith I should like someone to play something very beautiful to me on the piano.
Simon Damn everything! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Sorel Swearing doesn’t help.
Simon It helps me a lot.
Sorel What does Father mean by going on like that?
Judith In view of the imminent reception, you’d better go and shave, Simon.
Sorel Bursting into tears of rage. It’s perfectly beastly! Whenever I make any sort of plan about anything it’s always done in by someone. I wish I were earning my own living somewhere⁠—a free agent⁠—able to do whatever I liked without being cluttered up and frustrated by the family⁠—
Judith Picturesquely. It grieves me to hear you say that, Sorel.
Sorel Don’t be infuriating, Mother.
Judith Sadly. A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts!
Simon This is going to be the blackest Saturday till Monday we’ve ever spent.
Judith Tenderly. Sorel, you mustn’t cry.
Sorel Don’t sympathise with me; it’s only temper.
Judith Clasping her. Put your head on my shoulder, dear.
Simon Bitterly. Your head like the golden fleece.⁠ ⁠…
Sorel Richard’ll have to have “Little Hell” and that horrible flapper the Japanese room.
Judith Over my dead body!
Simon Mother, what are we to do?
Judith Drawing him forcibly into her arms so that there is a charming little motherly picture. We must all be very, very kind to everyone!
Simon Now then, Mother, none of that!
Judith Aggrieved. I don’t know what you mean, Simon.
Simon You were being beautiful and sad.
Judith But I am beautiful and sad.
Simon You’re not particularly beautiful, darling, and you never were.
Judith Glancing at herself in the glass. Never mind; I made thousands think I was.
Simon And as for being sad⁠—
Judith Now, Simon, I will not be dictated to like this. If I say I’m sad, I am sad. You don’t understand, because you’re precocious and tiresome.⁠ ⁠… There comes a time in all women’s lives⁠—
Sorel Oh dear!
Judith What did you say, Sorel?
Sorel Recovering. I said, “Oh dear!”
Judith Well, please don’t say it again, because it annoys me.
Sorel You’re such a lovely hypocrite.
Judith Casting up her eyes. I’m sure I don’t know what I’ve done to be cursed with such ungrateful children. It’s very cruel at my time of life⁠—
Simon There you go again!
Judith Inconsequently. You’re getting far too tall, Sorel.
Sorel Sorry, Mother.
Judith Give me another of those disgusting cigarettes⁠—I don’t know where they came from.
Simon Giving her one. Here. He lights it for her.
Judith I’m going to forget entirely about all these dreadful people arriving. My mind henceforward shall be a blank on the subject.
Sorel It’s all very fine, Mother, but⁠—
Judith I made a great decision this morning.
Simon What kind of decision?
Judith It’s a secret.
Sorel Aren’t you going to tell us?
Judith Of course. I meant it was a secret from your father.
Simon What is it?
Judith I’m going back to the stage.
Simon I knew it!
Judith I’m stagnating, you see. I won’t stagnate as long as there’s breath left in my body.
Sorel Do you think it’s wise? You retired so very finally last year. What excuse will you give for returning so soon?
Judith My public, dear⁠—letters from my public!
Simon Have you had any?
Judith One or two. That’s what decided me, really⁠—I ought to have had hundreds.
Sorel We’ll write some lovely ones, and you can publish them in the papers.
Judith Of course.
Sorel You will be dignified about it all, won’t you, darling?
Judith I’m much more dignified on the stage than in the country⁠—it’s my milieu. I’ve tried terribly hard to be “landed gentry,” but without any real success. I long for excitement and glamour. Think of the thrill of a first night; all those ardent playgoers willing one to succeed; the critics all leaning forward with glowing faces, receptive and exultant⁠—emitting queer little inarticulate noises as some witty line tickles their fancy. The satisfied grunt of the Daily Mail, the abandoned gurgle of the Sunday Times, and the shrill, enthusiastic scream of the Daily Express! I can distinguish them all⁠—
Simon Have you got a play?
Judith I think I shall revive Love’s Whirlwind.
Sorel Collapsing on to sofa. Oh, Mother! She gurgles with laughter.
Simon Weakly. Father will be furious.
Judith I can’t help that.
Sorel It’s such a fearful play.
Judith It’s a marvellous part. You mustn’t say too much against it, Sorel. I’m willing to laugh at it a little myself, but, after all, it was one of my greatest successes.
Simon Oh, it’s appalling⁠—but I love it. It makes me laugh.
Judith The public love it too, and it doesn’t make them laugh⁠—much. She recites. “You are a fool, a blind, pitiable fool. You think because you have bought my body that you have bought my soul!” You must say that’s dramatic.⁠—“I’ve dreamed of love like this, but I never realised, I never knew how beautiful it could be in reality!” That line always brought a tear to my eye.
Simon The second act is the best, there’s no doubt about that.
Judith From the moment Victor comes in it’s strong⁠—tremendously strong.⁠ ⁠… Be Victor a minute, Sorel⁠—
Sorel Do you mean when he comes in at the end of the act?
Judith Yes, you know⁠—“Is this a game?”
Sorel With feeling. “Is this a game?”
Judith With spirit. “Yes⁠—and a game that must be played to the finish.”
Simon “Zara, what does this mean?”
Judith “So many illusions shattered⁠—so many dreams trodden in the dust!”
Sorel I’m George now⁠—“I don’t understand! You and Victor⁠—My God!”
Judith “Sssh! Isn’t that little Pam crying?”
Simon Savagely. “She’ll cry more, poor mite, when she realises her mother is a⁠—”
Judith Shrieking. “Don’t say it⁠—don’t say it!”
Sorel “Spare her that.”
Judith “I’ve given you all that makes life worth living⁠—my youth, my womanhood, and now my child. Would you tear the very heart out of me? I tell you that it’s infamous that men like you should be allowed to pollute society. You have ruined my life⁠—I have nothing left⁠—nothing. God in heaven, where am I to turn for help.⁠ ⁠…”
Sorel Through clenched teeth. “Is this true? Answer me⁠—is this true?”
Judith Wailing. “Yes, yes!”
Sorel Springing at Simon. “You cur!”
The front door bell rings.
Judith Damn! There’s the bell.
Sorel Rushing to the glass. I look hideous!
Simon Yes, dear.
Clara enters.
Judith Clara⁠—before you open the door⁠—we shall be eight for dinner.
Clara My God!
Simon And for breakfast, lunch, tea, and dinner tomorrow.
Judith Vaguely. Will you get various rooms ready?
Clara I shall have to⁠—they can’t sleep in the passage.
Sorel How we’ve upset Clara.
Judith It can’t be helped⁠—nothing can be helped. It’s fate⁠—everything that happens is fate. That’s always a great comfort to me.
Clara More like arrant selfishness.
Judith You mustn’t be pert, Clara.
Clara Pert I may be, but I ’ave got some thought for others. Eight for dinner⁠—Amy going home early. It’s more nor less than an imposition.
The bell rings again.
Simon Hadn’t you better let them all in?
Clara goes to the front door and admits Sandy Tyrell, who is a fresh-looking young man; he has an unspoilt, youthful sense of honour and rather big hands, owing to a misplaced enthusiasm for amateur boxing. Clara goes out.
Sandy To Judith. I say, it’s perfectly ripping of you to let me come down.
Judith Are you alone?
Sandy Surprised. Yes.
Judith I mean, you didn’t meet anyone at the station?
Sandy I motored down; my car’s outside. Would you like me to meet anybody?
Judith Oh, no. I must introduce you. This is my daughter Sorel, and my son Simon.
Sandy Shaking hands. How-do-you-do.
Sorel Coldly. I’m extremely well, thank you, and I hope you are.
Simon So do I.
They both go upstairs rather grandly. Sandy looks shattered.
Judith You must forgive me for having rather peculiar children. Have you got a bag or anything?
Sandy Yes; it’s in the car.
Judith We’d better leave it there for the moment, as Clara has to get the tea. We’ll find you a room afterwards.
Sandy I’ve been looking forward to this most awfully.
Judith It is nice, isn’t it? You can see as far as Marlow on a clear day, they tell me.
Sandy I meant I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.
Judith How perfectly sweet of you. Would you like a drink?
Sandy No thanks. I’m in training.
Judith Sitting on sofa and motioning him to sit beside her. How lovely. What for?
Sandy I’m boxing again in a couple of weeks.
Judith I must come to your first night.
Sandy You look simply splendid.
Judith I’m so glad. You know, you mustn’t mind if Simon and Sorel insult you a little⁠—they’ve been very bad-tempered lately.
Sandy It’s awfully funny you having a grown-up son and daughter at all. I can hardly believe it.
Judith Quickly. I was married very young.
Sandy I don’t wonder. You know, it’s frightfully queer the way I’ve been planning to know you for ages, and I never did until last week.
Judith I liked you from the first, really, because you’re such a nice shape.
Sandy Slightly embarrassed. Oh, I see.⁠ ⁠…
Judith Small hips and lovely long legs⁠—I wish Simon had smaller hips. Do you think you could teach him to box?
Sandy Rather⁠—if he likes.
Judith That’s just the trouble⁠—I’m afraid he won’t like. He’s so dreadfully un⁠—that sort of thing. But never mind; you must use your influence subtly. I’m sure David would be pleased.
Sandy Who’s David?
Judith My husband.
Sandy Surprised. Oh!
Judith Why do you say “Oh” like that? Didn’t you know I had a husband?
Sandy I thought he was dead.
Judith No, he’s not dead; he’s upstairs.
Sandy You’re quite different from what you were the other day.
Judith It’s this garden hat⁠—I’ll take it off. She does so. There. I’ve been pruning the calceolarias.
Sandy Puzzled. Oh?⁠—
Judith I love my garden, you know⁠—it’s so peaceful and quaint. I spend long days dreaming away in it⁠—you know how one dreams.
Sandy Oh, yes.
Judith Warming up. I always longed to leave the brittle glamour of cities and theatres and find rest in some old-world nook. That’s why we came to Cookham.
Sandy It’s awfully nice⁠—Cookham.
Judith Have you ever seen me on the stage?
Sandy Rather!
Judith What in?
Sandy That thing when you pretended to cheat at cards to save your husband’s good name.
Judith Oh, The Bold Deceiver. That play was never quite right.
Sandy You were absolutely wonderful. That was when I first fell in love with you.
Judith Delighted. Was it, really?
Sandy Yes; you were so frightfully pathetic and brave.
Judith Basking. Was I?
Sandy Rather!
There is a pause.
Judith Well, go on.⁠ ⁠…
Sandy I feel such a fool, telling you what I think, as though it mattered.
Judith Of course it matters⁠—to me, anyhow.
Sandy Does it⁠—honestly?
Judith Certainly.
Sandy It seems too good to be true⁠—sitting here and talking as though we were old friends.
Judith We are old friends⁠—we probably met in another life. Reincarnation, you know⁠—fascinating!
Sandy You do say ripping things.
Judith Do I? Give me a cigarette and let’s put our feet up.
Sandy All right.
They settle themselves comfortably at opposite ends of the sofa, smoking.
Judith Can you punt?
Sandy Yes⁠—a bit.
Judith You must teach Simon⁠—he always gets the pole stuck.
Sandy I’d rather teach you.
Judith You’re so gallant and chivalrous⁠—much more like an American than an Englishman.
Sandy I should like to go on saying nice things to you forever.
Judith Giving him her hand. Sandy!
There comes a loud ring at the bell. Judith jumps.
There now!
Sandy Is anyone else coming to stay?
Judith Anyone else! You don’t know⁠—you just don’t know. Give me my hat.
Sandy Giving it to her. You said it would be quite quiet, with nobody at all.
Judith I was wrong. It’s going to be very noisy, with herds of angry people stamping about.
Clara enters and opens the front door. Myra Arundel is posed outside, consciously well-dressed, with several suitcases, and a tennis racquet.
Myra Advancing. Judith⁠—my⁠—dear⁠—this is divine!
Judith Emptily. Too, too lovely⁠—Where are the others?
Myra What others?
Clara goes out.
Judith Did you come by the four-thirty?
Myra Yes.
Judith Didn’t you see anyone at the station?
Myra Yes; several people, but I didn’t know they were coming here.
Judith Well, they are.
Myra Sorel said it was going to be just ourselves this weekend.
Judith Sharply. Sorel?
Myra Yes⁠—didn’t she tell you she’d asked me? Weren’t you expecting me?
Judith Simon muttered something about your coming, but Sorel didn’t mention it. Wasn’t that odd of her?
Myra You’re a divinely mad family. To Sandy. How-do-you-do? It’s useless to wait for introductions with the Blisses. My name’s Myra Arundel.
Judith Airily. Sandy Tyrell, Myra Arundel; Myra Arundel, Sandy Tyrell. There.
Myra Is that your car outside?
Sandy Yes.
Myra Well, Judith, I do think you might have told me someone was motoring down. A nice car would have been so much more comfortable than that beastly train.
Judith I never knew you were coming until a little while ago.
Myra It’s heavenly here⁠—after London. The heat was terrible when I left. You look awfully well, Judith. Rusticating obviously agrees with you.
Judith I’m glad you think so. Personally, I feel that a nervous breakdown is imminent.
Myra My dear, how ghastly! What’s the matter?
Judith Nothing’s the matter yet, Myra, but I have presentiments. Come upstairs, Sandy, and I’ll show you your room.
She begins to go upstairs, followed by Sandy. Then she turns.
I’ll send Simon down to you. He’s shaving, I think, but you won’t mind that, will you?

She goes off. Myra makes a slight grimace after her, then she helps herself to a cigarette and wanders about the hall⁠—she might almost play the piano a little; anyhow, she is perfectly at home.

Simon comes downstairs very fast, putting on his coat. He has apparently finished his toilet.

Simon Myra, this is marvellous! He tries to kiss her.
Myra Pushing him away. No, Simon dear; it’s too hot.
Simon You look beautifully cool.
Myra I’m more than cool really, but it’s not climatic coolness. I’ve been mentally chilled to the marrow by Judith’s attitude.
Simon Why, what did she say?
Myra Nothing very much. She was bouncing about on the sofa with a hearty young thing in flannels, and seemed to resent my appearance rather.
Simon You mustn’t take any notice of Mother.
Myra I’ll try not to, but it’s difficult.
Simon She adores you, really.
Myra I’m sure she does.
Simon She’s annoyed today because Father and Sorel have been asking people down without telling her.
Myra Poor dear! I quite see why.
Simon You look enchanting.
Myra Thank you, Simon.
Simon Are you pleased to see me?
Myra Of course. That’s why I came.
Simon Darling!
Myra Sssh! Don’t shout.
Simon I feel most colossally temperamental⁠—I should like to kiss you and kiss you and kiss you and break everything in the house and then jump into the river.
Myra Dear Simon!
Simon You’re everything I want you to be⁠—absolutely everything. Marvellous clothes, marvellous looks, marvellous brain⁠—Oh, God, it’s terrible.⁠ ⁠…
Myra I dined with Charlie Templeton last night.
Simon Well, you’re a devil. You only did it to annoy me. He’s far too plump, and he can’t do anything but dither about the Embassy in badly-cut trousers. You loathe him really; you know you do⁠—you’re too intelligent not to. You couldn’t like him and me at the same time⁠—it’s impossible!
Myra Don’t be so conceited.
Simon Darling⁠—I adore you.
Myra That’s right.
Simon But you’re callous⁠—that’s what it is, callous! You don’t care a damn. You don’t love me a bit, do you?
Myra Love’s a very big word, Simon.
Simon It isn’t⁠—it’s tiny. What are we to do?
Myra What do you mean?
Simon We can’t go on like this.
Myra I’m not going on like anything.
Simon Yes, you are; you’re going on like Medusa, and there are awful snakes popping their heads out at me from under your hat⁠—I shall be turned to stone in a minute, and then you’ll be sorry.
Myra Laughing. You’re very sweet, and I’m very fond of you.
Simon Tell me what you’ve been doing⁠—everything.
Myra Nothing.
Simon What did you do after you’d dined with Charlie Templeton?
Myra Supped with Charlie Templeton.
Simon Well, I don’t mind a bit. I hope you ate a lot and enjoyed yourself⁠—there!
Myra Generous boy! Come and kiss me.
Simon You’re only playing up to me now; you don’t really want to a bit.
Myra I’m aching for it.
Simon Kissing her violently. I love you.
Myra This weekend’s going to be strenuous.
Simon Hell upon earth⁠—fifteen million people in the house. We’ll get up at seven and rush away down the river.
Myra No, we won’t.
Simon Don’t let either of us agree to anything we say⁠—we’ll both be difficult. I love being difficult.
Myra You certainly do.
Simon But I’m in the most lovely mood now. Just seeing you makes me feel grand⁠—
Myra Is your father here?
Simon Yes; he’s working on a new novel.
Myra He writes brilliantly.
Simon Doesn’t he? He drinks too much tea, though.
Myra It can’t do him much harm, surely?
Simon It tans the stomach.
Myra Who is Sandy Tyrell?
Simon Never heard of him.
Myra He’s here, with Judith.
Simon Oh, that poor thing with hot hands! We’ll ignore him.
Myra I thought he looked rather nice.
Simon You must be mad. He looked disgusting.
Myra Laughing. Idiot!
Simon Flinging himself on the sofa. Smooth my hair with your soft white hands.
Myra Ruffling it. It’s got glue on it.
Simon Catching her hand and kissing it. You smell heavenly. What is it?
Myra Borgia of Rosine.
Simon How appropriate. He pulls her down and kisses her.
Myra Breaking away. You’re too demonstrative today, Simon.
The front door bell rings.
Simon Damn, damn! It’s those drearies.
Myra powders her nose as Clara crosses to open door. Richard Greatham and Jackie Coryton come in. There is, by this time, a good deal of luggage on the step. Richard is iron-grey and tall; Jackie is small and shingled, with an ingenuous manner which will lose its charm as she grows older.
Richard This is Mrs. Bliss’s house.
Clara Offhand. Oh, yes, this is it.
Richard Is Miss Sorel Bliss in?
Clara I expect so. I’ll see if I can find her. She goes upstairs, humming a tune.
Simon Hallo. Did you have a nice journey?
Richard Yes, thank you, very nice. I met Miss Coryton at the station. We introduced ourselves while we were waiting for the only taxi to come back.
Myra Oh, I took the only taxi. How maddening of me.
Richard Mrs. Arundel! How-do-you-do. I never recognised you.
They shake hands.
Jackie I did.
Myra Why? Have we met anywhere?
Jackie No; I mean I recognised you as the one who took the taxi.
Richard To Simon. You are Sorel’s brother?
Simon Yes; she’ll be down in a minute. Come out into the garden, Myra⁠—
Myra But, Simon, we can’t.⁠ ⁠…
Simon Grabbing her hand and dragging her off. Yes, we can. I shall go mad if I stay in the house a moment longer. Over his shoulder to Richard and Jackie. Tea will be here soon.
He and Myra go off.
Jackie Well!
Richard A strange young man.
Jackie Very rude, I think.
Richard Have you ever met him before?
Jackie No; I don’t know any of them except Mr. Bliss⁠—he’s a wonderful person.
Richard I wonder if he knows you’re here.
Jackie Perhaps that funny woman who opened the door will tell him.
Richard It was fortunate that we met at the station.
Jackie I’m frightfully glad. I should have been terrified arriving all by myself.
Richard I do hope the weather will keep good over Sunday⁠—the country round here is delightful.
Jackie Yes.
Richard There’s nowhere like England in the spring and summer.
Jackie No, there isn’t, is there?
Richard There’s a sort of quality you find in no other countries.
Jackie Have you travelled a lot?
Richard Modestly. A good deal.
Jackie How lovely.
There is a pause.
Richard Spain is very beautiful.
Jackie Yes, I’ve always heard Spain was awfully nice.
Richard Except for the bullfights. No one who ever really loved horses could enjoy a bullfight.
Jackie Nor anyone who loved bulls either.
Richard Exactly.
Jackie Italy’s awfully nice, isn’t it?
Richard Oh, yes, charming.
Jackie I’ve always wanted to go to Italy.
Richard Rome is a beautiful city.
Jackie Yes, I’ve always heard Rome was lovely.
Richard And Naples and Capri⁠—Capri’s enchanting.
Jackie It must be.
Richard Have you ever been abroad at all?
Jackie Oh, yes; I went to Dieppe once⁠—we had a house there for the summer.
Richard Kindly. Dear little place⁠—Dieppe.
Jackie Yes, it was lovely.
Judith comes downstairs, followed by Sandy, with his arms full of cushions. She motions him out into the garden, sits down and puts on her goloshes, and then follows him.
Jackie Well!
Richard Russia used to be a wonderful country before the war.
Jackie It must have been.⁠ ⁠… Was that her?
Richard Who?
Jackie Judith Bliss.
Richard Yes, I expect it was.
Jackie I wish I’d never come.
Richard You mustn’t worry. They’re a very Bohemian family, I believe.
Jackie I wonder if Mr. Bliss knows I’m here.
Richard I wonder.
Jackie Couldn’t we ring a bell, or anything?
Richard Yes, perhaps we’d better. He finds bell and presses it.
Jackie I don’t suppose it rings.
Richard You mustn’t be depressed.
Jackie I feel horrid.
Richard It’s always a little embarrassing coming to a strange house for the first time. You’ll like Sorel⁠—she’s charming.
Jackie Desperately. I wonder where she is.
Richard Consolingly. I expect tea will be here soon.
Jackie Do you think they have tea?
Richard Alarmed. Oh, yes⁠—they must.
Jackie Oh, well, we’d better go on waiting, then. She sits down.
Richard Do you mind if I smoke?
Jackie Not a bit.
Richard Will you?
Jackie No, thank you.
Richard Sitting down. I got this case in Japan. It’s pretty, isn’t it?
Jackie Awfully pretty.
They lapse into hopeless silence. Enter Sorel, downstairs.
Sorel Oh, Richard, I’m dreadfully sorry. I didn’t know you were here.
Richard We’ve been here a good while.
Sorel How awful! Please forgive me. I was upstairs.
Richard This is Miss Coryton.
Sorel Oh!
Jackie How-do-you-do.
Sorel Have you come to see Father?
Jackie Yes.
Sorel He’s in his study⁠—you’d better go up.
Jackie I don’t know the way.
Sorel Irritably. Oh, well⁠—I’ll take you. Come on. Wait a minute, Richard. She takes her to the top of the stairs. It’s along that passage, and the third door on the right.
Jackie Oh, thank you. She goes out despondently.
Sorel Coming down again. The poor girl looks half-witted.
Richard She’s shy, I think.
Sorel I hope Father will find her a comfort.
Richard Tell me one thing, Sorel, did your father and mother know I was coming?
Sorel Oh, yes; they were awfully pleased.
Richard A rather nice-looking woman came down, in a big hat, and went into the garden with a young man, without saying a word.
Sorel That was Mother, I expect. We’re an independent family⁠—we entertain our friends sort of separately.
Richard Oh, I see.
Sorel It was sweet of you to come.
Richard I wanted to come⁠—I’ve thought about you a lot.
Sorel Have you really? That’s thrilling.
Richard I mean it. You’re so alive and vital and different from other people.
Sorel I’m so frightened that you’ll be bored here.
Richard Why should I be?
Sorel Oh, I don’t know. But you won’t be, will you?⁠—or if you are, tell me at once, and we’ll do something quite different.
Richard You’re rather a dear, you know.
Sorel I’m not⁠—I’m devastating, entirely lacking in restraint. So’s Simon. It’s Father’s and Mother’s fault really; you see, they’re so vague⁠—they’ve spent their lives cultivating their Arts and not devoting any time to ordinary conventions and manners and things. I’m the only one who sees that, so I’m trying to be better. I’d love to be beautifully poised and carry off difficult situations with a lift of the eyebrows⁠—
Richard I’m sure you could carry off anything.
Sorel There you are, you see, saying the right thing! You always say the right thing, and no one knows a bit what you’re really thinking. That’s what I adore.
Richard I’m afraid to say anything now, in case you think I’m only being correct.
Sorel But you are correct. I wish you’d teach Simon to be correct too.
Richard It would be uphill work, I’m afraid.
Sorel Why, don’t you like him?
Richard I’ve only met him for a moment.
Sorel Would you like to see the garden?
Richard Very much indeed.
Sorel As a matter of fact, we’d better wait until after tea. Shall I sing you something?
Richard Please⁠—I should love it.
Sorel I don’t want to really a bit⁠—only I’m trying to entertain you. It’s as easy as pie to talk in someone else’s house, like at the dance the other night, but here on my own ground I’m finding it difficult.
Richard Puzzled. I’m sorry.
Sorel Oh, it isn’t your fault; honestly, it isn’t⁠—you’re awfully kind and responsive. What shall we do?
Richard I’m quite happy talking⁠—to you.
Sorel Can you play mah-jongg?
Richard No, I’m afraid I can’t.
Sorel I’m so glad⁠—I do hate it so.
Clara enters, with preparations for tea. Sorel sighs with relief.
Here’s tea.
Clara Where’s your mother, dear?
Sorel Out in the garden, I think.
Clara It’s starting to rain.
Sorel Oh, everyone will come dashing in, then. How awful!
Richard Won’t the luggage get rather wet, out there?
Sorel What luggage?
Clara I’ll bring it in when I’ve made the tea.
Richard Rising. Oh, don’t trouble; I’ll do it now.
Sorel We ought to have got William up from the village.
Clara It’s Saturday.
Sorel I know it is.
Clara He’s playing cricket.
Richard opens the front door and proceeds to bring the luggage in. Sorel rushes to help him.
Sorel Do sit down and smoke. I can easily manage it.
Richard Certainly not.
Sorel How typical of Myra to have so many bags.⁠ ⁠… Ooh!
She staggers with a suitcase. Richard goes to her assistance, and they both drop it.
There now!⁠—we’ve probably broken something.
Richard This is the last one.⁠ ⁠… He brings in a dressing-case, and wipes his hand on his handkerchief.
Sorel Do you know where to wash if you want to?
Richard No⁠—but I’m all right.

Reenter Clara, with tea and hot-water jug.

Simon and Myra come in from the garden.

Myra Hullo, Sorel, how are you?
Sorel I’m splendid. Do you know Mr. Greatham?
Myra Oh, yes; we’ve met several times.
Simon Come and sit down, Myra.
David and Jackie come downstairs.
David Is tea ready?
Sorel Yes; just.
David Simon, come and be nice to Miss Coryton.
Simon We’ve met already.
David That’s no reason for you not to be nice to her.
Myra Firmly. How-do-you-do.
David How-do-you-do. Are you staying here?
Myra I hope so.
David You must forgive me for being rather frowsy, but I’ve been working hard.
Sorel Father, this is Mr. Greatham.
David How are you? When did you arrive?
Richard This afternoon.
David Good. Have some tea. He begins to pour it out. Everyone had better put their own sugar and milk in, or we shall get muddled. Where’s your mother, Simon?
Simon She was last seen in the punt.
David How extraordinary! She can’t punt.
Sorel Sandy Tyrell’s with her.
David Oh, well, she’ll be all right then. Who is he?
Sorel I don’t know.
David Do sit down, everybody.
Enter Judith and Sandy from the garden.
Judith There’s going to be a thunderstorm. I felt sick this morning. This is Sandy Tyrell⁠—everybody⁠—
Richard Shaking hands. How-do-you-do.
Sorel Mother, I want you to meet Mr. Greatham.
Judith Oh, yes. You were here before, weren’t you?
Simon Before what, darling?
Judith Before I went out in the punt. There was somebody else here too⁠—a fair girl⁠—She sees Jackie. Oh, there you are. How-do-you-do. Sit down, Sandy, and eat anything you want. Give Sandy some bread-and-butter, Simon.
Everybody sits down.
Simon Ungraciously. Here you are.
Sandy Thanks.
There is a long pause; then Myra and Richard speak together.
Richard How far are you from Maidenhead exactly?
Myra What a pity it’s raining⁠—we might have had some tennis⁠—
They both stop, to let the other go on. There is another terrible silence.
Myra I adore the shape of this hall⁠—it’s so⁠—
Richard The train was awfully crowded coming down⁠—
They both stop again, and there is another dead silence, during which the curtain slowly falls.

Act II

It is after dinner on the Saturday evening. Everyone is talking and arguing. The following scene should be played with great speed.
Simon Who’ll go out?
Sorel I don’t mind.
Simon No; you always guess it too quickly.
Jackie What do we have to do?
Judith Choose an adverb, and then⁠—
Simon Someone goes out, you see, and comes in, and you’ve chosen a word among yourselves, and she or he or whoever it is asks you some sort of question and you have to⁠—
Sorel Not an ordinary question, Simon; they have to ask them to do something in the manner of the word, and then⁠—
Simon Then, you see, you act whatever it is⁠—
Sorel The answer to the question, you see?
Richard Apprehensively. What sort of thing is one expected to do?
Judith Quite usual things, like reciting “If,” or playing the piano⁠—
Richard I can’t play the piano.
Simon Never mind; you can fake it, as long as it conveys an idea of the word.
Jackie The word we’ve all thought of?
Sorel Impatient. Yes, the word we’ve chosen when whoever it is is out of the room.
Jackie I’m afraid I don’t quite understand yet.
Simon Never mind; I’ll explain. You see, someone goes out.⁠ ⁠…
Sorel I’ll go out the first time, just to show her.
Judith It’s quite simple⁠—all you have to do is just act in the manner of the word.
Sorel Look here, everybody, I’m going out.
Simon All right; go on.
Myra The History game’s awfully good⁠—when two people go out, and come back as Queen Elizabeth and Crippen or somebody.
Sandy Despondently. I’m no earthly good at this sort of thing.
Sorel I’ll show you, Sandy. You see.⁠ ⁠…
Judith There’s always “How, When and Where?” We haven’t played that for ages.
Simon We will afterwards. We’ll do this one first.⁠—Go on, Sorel.
Sorel Don’t be too long. She goes out.
Simon Now then.
Judith “Bitterly.”
Simon No, we did that last week; she’ll know.
David “Intensely.”
Judith Too difficult.
Richard There was an amusing game I played once at the Harringtons’ house. Everyone was blindfolded except⁠—
Simon This room’s not big enough for that. What about “winsomely”?
Jackie I wish I knew what we had to do.
Judith You’ll see when we start playing.
Myra If we start playing.
Simon Mother’s brilliant at this. Do you remember when we played it at the Mackenzies’?
Judith Yes, and Blanche was so cross when I kissed Freddie’s ear in the manner of the word.
Richard What was the word?
Judith I can’t remember.
Myra Perhaps it’s as well.
David What about “drearily”?
Judith Not definite enough.
Simon “Winsomely” is the best.
Judith She’s sure to guess it straight off.
Simon Confidentially to Jackie. These games are much too brainy for me.
David Young Norman Robertson used to be marvellous⁠—do you remember?
Simon Yes, wonderful sense of humour.
Myra He’s lost it all since his marriage.
Judith I didn’t know you knew him.
Myra Well, considering he married my cousin⁠—
Richard We don’t seem to be getting on with the game.
Judith We haven’t thought of a word yet.
Myra “Brightly.”
Simon Too obvious.
Myra Very well⁠—don’t snap at me!
Judith “Saucily.” I’ve got a lovely idea for “saucily.”
Myra At Simon. I should think “rudely” would be the easiest.
Simon Don’t be sour, Myra.
Judith The great thing is to get an obscure word.
Simon What a pity Irene isn’t here⁠—she knows masses of obscure words.
Myra She’s probably picked them up from her obscure friends.
Simon It’s no use being catty about Irene; she’s a perfect darling.
Myra I wasn’t being catty at all.
Simon Yes, you were.
Sorel Off. Hurry up!
Judith Quickly, now! We must think⁠—
Jackie Helpfully. “Appendicitis.”
Judith Witheringly. That’s not an adverb.
Simon You’re thinking of charades.
Sandy Charades are damned good fun.
Simon Yes, but we don’t happen to be doing them at the moment.
Sandy Sorry.
Judith “Saucily.”
Simon No, “winsomely’s” better.
Judith All right. Call her in.
Simon Calling. Sorel⁠—come on; we’re ready.
Reenter Sorel.
Sandy Hoarsely to Simon. Which is it?⁠—“saucily” or “winsomely”?
Simon Whispering. “Winsomely.”
Sorel To Judith. Go and take a flower out of that vase and give it to Richard.
Judith Very well.
She trips lightly over to the vase, gurgling with coy laughter, selects a flower, then goes over to Richard; pursing her lips into a mock smile, she gives him the flower, with a little girlish gasp at her own daring, and wags her finger archly at him.
Simon Marvellous, Mother!
Sorel Laughing. Oh, lovely!⁠ ⁠… Now, Myra, get up and say goodbye to everyone in the manner of the word.
Myra Rises and starts with David. Goodbye. It really has been most delightful⁠—
Judith No, no, no!
Myra Why⁠—what do you mean?
Judith You haven’t got the right intonation a bit.
Simon Oh, Mother darling, do shut up!
Myra Acidly. Remember what an advantage you have over we poor amateurs, Judith, having been a professional for so long.
Judith I don’t like “so long” very much.
Sorel Do you think we might go on now?
Myra Go to the next one; I’m not going to do any more.
Simon Oh, please do. You were simply splendid.
Sorel It doesn’t matter. To Richard. Light a cigarette in the manner of the word.
Richard I’ve forgotten what it is.
Judith Grimacing at him violently. You remember.⁠ ⁠…
Richard Oh, yes.
He proceeds to light a cigarette with great abandon, winking his eye and chucking Sorel under the chin.
Judith Oh, no, no, no!
Myra I can’t think what that’s meant to be.
Richard Offended. I was doing my best.
Judith It’s so frightfully easy, and nobody can do it right.
Simon I believe you’ve muddled it up.
Richard You’d better go on to the next one.
Judith Which word were you doing? Whisper⁠—
Richard Whispering. “Saucily.”
Judith I knew it!⁠—He was doing the wrong word. She whispers to him.
Richard Oh, I see. I’m so sorry.
Judith Give him another chance.
Simon No, it’s Jackie’s turn now; it will come round to him again, I’m afraid.
Sorel To Jackie. Do a dance in the manner of the word.
Jackie Giggling. I can’t.
Judith Nonsense! Of course you can.
Jackie I can’t⁠—honestly⁠—I.⁠ ⁠…
Simon Pulling her to her feet. Go on; have a shot at it.
Jackie No, I’d much rather not. Count me out.
Judith Really, the ridiculous fuss everyone makes⁠—
Jackie I’m awfully stupid at anything like this.
Sorel It’s only a game, after all.
David Come along⁠—try.
Jackie Dragging back. I couldn’t⁠—please don’t ask me to. I simply couldn’t.
Simon Leave her alone if she doesn’t want to.
Sorel Irritably. What’s the use of playing at all, if people won’t do it properly?
Judith It’s so simple.
Sandy It’s awfully difficult if you haven’t done it before.
Simon Go on to the next one.
Sorel Firmly. Unless everyone’s in it we won’t play at all.
Simon Now don’t lose your temper.
Sorel Lose my temper! I like that! No one’s given me the slightest indication of what the word is⁠—you all argue and squabble⁠—
David Talk, talk, talk! Everybody talks too much.
Judith It’s so surprising to me when people won’t play up. After all⁠—
Jackie With spirit. It’s a hateful game, anyhow, and I don’t want to play it again ever.
Sorel You haven’t played it at all yet.
Simon Don’t be rude, Sorel.
Sorel Really, Simon, the way you go on is infuriating!
Simon It’s always the way; whenever Sorel goes out she gets quarrelsome.
Sorel Quarrelsome!
Simon Don’t worry, Jackie; you needn’t do anything you don’t want to.
Judith I think, for the future, we’d better confine our efforts to social conversation and not attempt anything in the least intelligent.
Simon How can you be so unkind, Mother?
Judith Sharply. Don’t speak to me like that.
Jackie It’s all my fault⁠—I know I’m awfully silly, but it embarrasses me so terribly doing anything in front of people.
Sorel With acidity. I should think the word was, “winsomely.”
Simon You must have been listening outside the door then.
Sorel Not at all⁠—Miss Coryton gave it away.
Simon Why “Miss Coryton” all of a sudden? You’ve been calling her Jackie all the evening. You’re far too grand, Sorel.
Sorel And you’re absolutely maddening⁠—I’ll never play another game with you as long as I live.
Simon That won’t break my heart.
Judith Stop, stop, stop!
Simon Grabbing Jackie’s hand. Come out in the garden. I’m sick of this.
Sorel Don’t let him take you on the river; he isn’t very good at it.
Simon Over his shoulder. Ha, ha!⁠—very funny. He drags Jackie off.
Judith Sorel, you’re behaving disgracefully.
Sorel Simon ought to go into the army, or something.
David You both ought to be in reformatories.
Sorel This always happens whenever we play a game. We’re a beastly family, and I hate us.
Judith Speak for yourself, dear.
Sorel I can’t, without speaking for everyone else too⁠—we’re all exactly the same, and I’m ashamed of us.⁠—Come into the library, Sandy. She drags Sandy off.
Myra Charming! It’s all perfectly charming.
David I think it would be better, Judith, if you exercised a little more influence over the children.
Judith That’s right⁠—blame it all on me.
David After all, dear, you started it, by snapping everybody up.
Judith You ought never to have married me, David; it was a great mistake.
David The atmosphere of this house is becoming more unbearable every day, and all because Simon and Sorel are allowed to do exactly what they like.
Judith You sit upstairs all day, writing your novels.
David Novels which earn us our daily bread.
Judith “Daily bread” nonsense! We’ve got enough money to keep us in comfort until we die.
David That will be very soon, if we can’t get a little peace. To Myra. Come out into the garden⁠—
Judith I sincerely hope the night air will cool you.
David I don’t know what’s happened to you lately, Judith.
Judith Nothing’s happened to me⁠—nothing ever does. You’re far too smug to allow it.
David Smug! Thank you.
Judith Yes, smug, smug, smug! And pompous!
David I hope you haven’t been drinking, dear.
Judith Drinking! Huh! that’s very amusing!
David I think it’s rather tragic, at your time of life. He goes out with Myra.
Judith David’s been a good husband to me, but he’s wearing a bit thin now.
Richard Would you like me to go? To leave you alone for a little?
Judith Why? Are you afraid I shall become violent?
Richard Smiling. No; I merely thought perhaps I was in the way.
Judith I hope you’re not embarrassed⁠—I couldn’t bear you to be embarrassed.
Richard Not in the least.
Judith Marriage is a hideous affair altogether, don’t you think?
Richard I’m really hardly qualified to judge, you see.
Judith Do stop being noncommittal, just for once; it’s doubly annoying in the face of us all having lost control so lamentably.
Richard I’m sorry.
Judith There’s nothing to be sorry for, really, because, after all, it’s your particular “thing,” isn’t it?⁠—observing everything and not giving yourself away an inch.
Richard I suppose it is.
Judith You’ll get used to us in time, you know, and then you’ll feel cosier. Why don’t you sit down? She sits on sofa.
Richard I’m enjoying myself very much.
Judith It’s very sweet of you to say so, but I don’t see how you can be.
Richard Laughing suddenly. But I am!
Judith There now! that was quite a genuine laugh. We’re getting on. Are you in love with Sorel?
Richard Surprised and embarrassed. In love with Sorel?
Judith Repentantly. Now I’ve killed it⁠—I’ve murdered the little tender feeling of comfort that was stealing over you, by sheer tactlessness! Will you teach me to be tactful?
Richard Did you really think I was in love with Sorel?
Judith It’s so difficult to tell, isn’t it?⁠—I mean, you might not know yourself. She’s very attractive.
Richard Yes, she is⁠—very.
Judith Have you heard her sing?
Richard No, not yet.
Judith She sings beautifully. Are you susceptible to music?
Richard I’m afraid I don’t know very much about it.
Judith You probably are, then. I’ll sing you something.
Richard Please do.
Judith Rising. It’s awfully sad for a woman of my temperament to have a grown-up daughter, you know. I have to put my pride in my pocket and develop in her all the charming little feminine tricks which will eventually cut me out altogether.
Richard That wouldn’t be possible.
Judith I do hope you meant that, because it was a sweet remark. She is at the piano, turning over music.
Richard Following her. Of course I meant it.
Judith Will you lean on the piano in an attentive attitude? It’s such a help.
Richard You’re an extraordinary person.
Judith Beginning to play. In what way extraordinary?
Richard When I first met Sorel, I guessed what you’d be like.
Judith Did you, now? And am I?
Richard Smiling. Exactly.
Judith Oh, well.⁠ ⁠… She plays and sings a little French song.
There is a slight pause when it is finished.
Richard With feeling. Thank you.
Judith Rising from the piano. It’s pretty, isn’t it?
Richard Perfectly enchanting.
Judith Shall we sit down again? She reseats herself on sofa.
Richard Won’t you sing any more?
Judith No, no more⁠—I want you to talk to me and tell me all about yourself, and the things you’ve done.
Richard I’ve done nothing.
Judith What a shame! Why not?
Richard I never realise how dead I am until I meet people like you. It’s depressing, you know.
Judith What nonsense! You’re not a bit dead.
Richard Do you always live here?
Judith I’m going to, from now onwards. I intend to sink into a very beautiful old age. When the children marry, I shall wear a cap.
Richard Smiling. How absurd!
Judith I don’t mean a funny cap.
Richard You’re far too full of vitality to sink into anything.
Judith It’s entirely spurious vitality. If you troubled to look below the surface, you’d find a very wistful and weary spirit. I’ve been battling with life for a long time.
Richard Surely such successful battles as yours have been are not wearying?
Judith Yes, they are⁠—frightfully. I’ve reached an age now when I just want to sit back and let things go on around me⁠—and they do.
Richard I should like to know exactly what you’re thinking about⁠—really.
Judith I was thinking of calling you Richard. It’s such a nice uncompromising name.
Richard I should be very flattered if you would.
Judith I won’t suggest you calling me Judith until you feel really comfortable about me.
Richard But I do⁠—Judith.
Judith I’m awfully glad. Will you give me a cigarette?
Richard Producing case. Certainly.
Judith Taking one. That’s a divine case.
Richard It was given to me in Japan three years ago. All those little designs mean things.
Judith Bending over it. What sort of things?
Richard Charms for happiness, and luck, and⁠—love.
Judith Which is the charm for love?
Richard That one.
Judith What a dear!
Richard Kissing her gently. Judith!
Judith Jumping. Richard!
Richard I’m afraid I couldn’t help it.
Judith Dramatically. What are we to do? What are we to do?
Richard I don’t know.
Judith David must be told⁠—everything!
Richard Alarmed. Everything?
Judith Enjoying herself. Yes, yes. There come moments in life when it is necessary to be honest⁠—absolutely honest. I’ve trained myself always to shun the underhand methods other women so often employ⁠—the truth must be faced fair and square⁠—
Richard Extremely alarmed. The truth? I don’t quite understand.
Judith Dear Richard, you want to spare me, I know⁠—you’re so chivalrous; but it’s no use. After all, as I said before, David has been a good husband to me, according to his lights. This may, of course, break him up rather, but it can’t be helped; he must be told. I wonder⁠—oh, I wonder how he’ll take it. They say suffering’s good for writers, it strengthens their psychology. Oh, my poor, poor David!⁠—Never mind. You’d better go out into the garden and wait⁠—
Richard Flustered. Wait? What for?
Judith For me, Richard, for me. I will come to you later. Wait in the summerhouse. I had begun to think that Romance was dead, that I should never know it again. Before, of course, I had my work and my life in the theatre, but now, nothing⁠—nothing! Everything is empty and hollow, like a broken shell.
Richard Look here, Judith, I apologise for what I did just now. I⁠—
Judith Ignoring all interruption. But now you have come, and it’s all changed⁠—it’s magic. I’m under a spell that I never thought to recapture again. Go along⁠—She pushes him towards the garden.
Richard Protesting. But, Judith⁠—
Judith Pushing him firmly. Don’t⁠—don’t make it any harder for me. I am quite resolved⁠—it is my self-appointed Calvary, and it’s the only possible way!

She pushes him into the garden and waves to him bravely with her handkerchief; then she comes back into the room and powders her nose before the glass and puts her hair into place. Then, assuming an expression of restrained tragedy, she opens the library door, from which she recoils genuinely shocked.

After a moment or two Sorel and Sandy come out rather sheepishly.

Sorel Look here, Mother, I⁠—
Judith Sorel, what am I to say to you?
Sorel I don’t know, Mother.
Judith Neither do I.
Sandy It was my fault, Mrs. Bliss⁠—Judith⁠—
Judith What a fool I’ve been! What a blind fool!
Sorel Mother, are you really upset?
Judith With feeling. I’m stunned.
Sorel But, darling⁠—
Judith Gently. Don’t speak for a moment, Sorel; we must all be very quiet, and think⁠—
Sorel It was nothing, really. For Heaven’s sake⁠—
Judith Nothing! I open the library door casually, and what do I see? I ask you, what do I see?
Sandy I’m most awfully sorry.⁠ ⁠…
Judith Ssshh! It has gone beyond superficial apologies.
Sorel Mother, be natural for a minute.
Judith I don’t know what you mean, Sorel. I’m trying to realise a very bitter truth as calmly as I can.
Sorel There’s nothing so very bitter about it.
Judith My poor child!
Sorel Suddenly. Very well, then! I love Sandy, and he loves me!
Judith That would be the only possible excuse for your behaviour.
Sorel Why shouldn’t we love each other if we want to?
Judith Sandy was in love with me this afternoon.
Sorel Not real love⁠—you know it wasn’t.
Judith Bitterly. I know now.
Sandy I say⁠—look here⁠—I’m most awfully sorry.
Judith There’s nothing to be sorry for, really; it’s my fault for having been so⁠—so ridiculous.
Sorel Mother!
Judith Sadly. Yes, ridiculous. I’m getting old, old, and the sooner I face it the better.
Sorel Hopelessly. But, darling.⁠ ⁠…
Judith Splendidly. Youth will be served. You’re so pretty, Sorel, far prettier than I ever was⁠—I’m very glad you’re pretty.
Sandy I feel a fearful cad.
Judith Why should you? You’ve answered the only call that really counts⁠—the call of Love, and Romance, and Spring. I forgive you, Sandy, completely. There.
Sorel Well, that’s all right, then.
Judith I resent your tone, Sorel; you seem to be taking things too much for granted. Perhaps you don’t realise that I am making a great sacrifice!
Sorel Sorry, darling.
Judith It’s far from easy, at my time of life, to⁠—
Sorel Playing up. Mother⁠—Mother, say you understand and forgive!
Judith Understand! You forget, dear, I am a woman.
Sorel I know you are, Mother. That’s what makes it all so poignant.
Judith Magnanimously, to Sandy. If you want Sorel, truly, I give her to you⁠—unconditionally.
Sandy Dazed. Thanks⁠—awfully, Mrs. Bliss.
Judith You can still call me Judith, can’t you?⁠—it’s not much to ask.
Sandy Judith.
Judith Bravely. There, now. Away with melancholy. This is all tremendously exciting, and we must all be very happy.
Sorel Don’t tell Father⁠—yet.
Judith We won’t tell anybody; it shall be our little secret.
Sorel You are splendid, Mother.
Judith Nonsense. I just believe in being honest with myself⁠—it’s awfully good for one, you know, so cleansing. I’m going upstairs now to have a little aspirin⁠—She goes upstairs, and turns. Ah, Youth, Youth, what a strange, mad muddle you make of things! She goes off.
Sorel heaves a slight sigh, and takes a cigarette.
Sorel Well, that’s that.
Sandy Yes.
Sorel It’s all right. Don’t look so gloomy⁠—I know you don’t love me really.
Sandy Startled. I say, Sorel⁠—
Sorel Don’t protest; you know you don’t⁠—any more than I love you.
Sandy But you told Judith⁠—
Sorel Nonchalantly. I was only playing up⁠—one always plays up to Mother in this house; it’s a sort of unwritten law.
Sandy Didn’t she mean all she said?
Sorel No, not really; we none of us ever mean anything.
Sandy She seemed awfully upset.
Sorel It must have been a slight shock for her to discover us clasped tightly in each other’s arms.
Sandy I believe I do love you, Sorel.
Sorel A month ago I should have let you go on believing that, but now I can’t⁠—I’m bent on improving myself.
Sandy I don’t understand.
Sorel Never mind⁠—it doesn’t matter. You just fell a victim to the atmosphere, that’s all. There we were alone in the library, with the windows wide open, and probably a nightingale somewhere about⁠—
Sandy I only heard a cuckoo.
Sorel Even a cuckoo has charm, in moderation. You kissed me because you were awfully nice and I was awfully nice and we both liked kissing very much. It was inevitable. Then Mother found us and got dramatic⁠—her sense of the theatre is always fatal. She knows we shan’t marry, the same as you and I do. You’re under absolutely no obligation to me at all.
Sandy I wish I understood you a bit better.
Sorel Never mind about understanding me. Let’s go back into the library.
Sandy All right.

They go off.

After a moment’s pause, David and Myra enter from the garden.

David … And, you see, he comes in and finds her there waiting for him.
Myra She hadn’t been away at all?
David No; and that’s psychologically right. I’m sure. No woman, under those circumstances, would.
Myra It’s brilliant of you to see that. I do think the whole thing sounds most excellent.
David I got badly stuck in the middle of the book, when the boy comes down from Oxford⁠—but it worked out all right eventually.
Myra Sitting on sofa. When shall I be able to read it?
David I’ll send you the proofs⁠—you can help me correct them.
Myra How divine! I shall feel most important.
David Would you like a cigarette, or anything?
Myra No, thank you.
David I think I’ll have a drink.
Myra Very well; give me some plain soda-water, then.
David Going to side table. There isn’t any ice⁠—d’you mind?
Myra Not a bit.
David Bringing her drink. Here you are.
Myra Thank you. She sips it. I wonder where everybody is.
David Not here, thank God.
Myra It must be dreadfully worrying for you, having a houseful of people.
David Having poured himself out a whisky-and-soda, sits down by her side. It depends on the people.
Myra I have a slight confession to make.
David Confession?
Myra Yes. Do you know why I came down here?
David Not in the least. I suppose one of us asked you, didn’t they?
Myra Oh, yes, they asked me, but⁠—
David Well?
Myra I was invited once before⁠—last September.
David I was in America then.
Myra Exactly.
David How do you mean “exactly”?
Myra I didn’t come. I’m a very determined woman, you know, and I made up my mind to meet you ages ago.
David That was charming of you. I’m not much to meet really.
Myra You see, I’d read Broken Reeds.
David Did you like it?
Myra Like it! I think it’s one of the finest novels I’ve ever read.
David There now!
Myra How do you manage to know so much about women?
David I’m afraid my knowledge of them is sadly superficial.
Myra Oh, no; you can’t call Evelyn’s character superficial⁠—it’s amazing.
David Why are you being so nice to me? Have you got a plan about something?
Myra Laughing. How suspicious you are!
David I can’t help it⁠—you’re very attractive, and I’m always suspicious of attractive people, on principle.
Myra Not a very good principle.
David I’ll tell you something⁠—strictly between ourselves.
Myra Do.
David You’re wrong about me.
Myra Wrong? In what way?
David I write very bad novels.
Myra Don’t be so ridiculous.
David And you know I do, because you’re an intelligent person.
Myra I don’t know anything of the sort.
David Tell me why you’re being so nice to me?
Myra Because I want to be.
David Why?
Myra You’re a very clever and amusing man.
David Splendid.
Myra And I think I’ve rather lost my heart to you.
David Shall we elope?
Myra David!
David There now, you’ve called me David!
Myra Do you mind?
David Not at all.
Myra I’m not sure that you’re being very kind.
David What makes you think that?
Myra You’re being rather the cynical author laughing up his sleeve at a gushing admirer.
David I think you’re a very interesting woman, and extremely nice-looking.
Myra Do you?
David Yes. Would you like me to make love to you?
Myra Rising. Really⁠—I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.
David I’ve knocked you off your plate⁠—I’ll look away for a minute while you climb on to it again. He does so.
Myra Laughing affectedly. This is wonderful! She sits down again.
David Turning. That’s right. Now then⁠—
Myra Now then, what?
David You’re adorable⁠—you’re magnificent⁠—you’re tawny⁠—
Myra I’m not tawny.
David Don’t argue.
Myra This is sheer affectation.
David Affectation’s very nice.
Myra No, it isn’t⁠—it’s odious.
David You mustn’t get cross.
Myra I’m not in the least cross.
David Yes, you are⁠—but you’re very alluring.
Myra Perking up. Alluring?
David Terribly.
Myra I can hear your brain clicking⁠—it’s very funny.
David That was rather rude.
Myra You’ve been consistently rude to me for hours.
David Never mind.
Myra Why have you?
David I’m always rude to people I like.
Myra Do you like me?
David Enormously.
Myra How sweet of you!
David But I don’t like your methods.
Myra Methods? What methods?
David You’re far too pleasant to occupy yourself with the commonplace.
Myra And you spoil yourself by trying to be clever.
David Thank you.
Myra Anyhow, I don’t know what you mean by commonplace.
David You mean you want me to explain?
Myra Not at all.
David Very well; I will.
Myra I shan’t listen. She stops up her ears.
David You’ll pretend not to, but you’ll hear every word really.
Myra Sarcastically. You’re so inscrutable and quizzical⁠—just what a feminine psychologist should be.
David Yes, aren’t I?
Myra You frighten me dreadfully.
David Darling!
Myra Don’t call me darling.
David That’s unreasonable. You’ve been trying to make me⁠—all the evening.
Myra Your conceit is outrageous!
David It’s not conceit at all. You’ve been firmly buttering me up because you want a nice little intrigue.
Myra Rising. How dare you!
David Pulling her down again. It’s true, it’s true. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t be so angry.
Myra I think you’re insufferable!
David Taking her hand. Myra⁠—dear Myra⁠—
Myra Snatching it away. Don’t touch me.
David Let’s have that nice little intrigue. The only reason I’ve been so annoying is that I love to see things as they are first, and then pretend they’re what they’re not.
Myra Words! Masses and masses of words!
David They’re great fun to play with.
Myra I’m glad you think so. Personally, they bore me stiff.
David Catching her hand again. Myra⁠—don’t be statuesque.
Myra Let go my hand!
David You’re charming. He gets up and stands close to her.
Myra Furiously. Let go my hand.
David I won’t.
Myra You will!
She slaps his face hard, and he seizes her in his arms and kisses her.
David Between kisses. You’re⁠—perfectly⁠—sweet.
Myra Giving in. David!
David You must say it’s an entrancing amusement. He kisses her again.
Judith appears at the top of the stairs and sees them. They break away.
Judith Coming down. Forgive me for interrupting.
David Are there any chocolates in the house?
Judith No, David.
David I should like a chocolate more than anything in the world, at the moment.
Judith This is a very unpleasant situation, David.
David Agreeably. Horrible.
Judith We’d better talk it all over.
Myra Making a movement. I shall do nothing of the sort.
Judith Please⁠—please don’t be difficult.
David I apologise, Judith.
Judith Don’t apologise⁠—I quite understand.
Myra Please let go of my hand, David; I should like to go to bed.
Judith I should stay if I were you⁠—it would be more dignified.
David There isn’t any real necessity for a scene.
Judith I don’t want a scene. I just want to straighten things out.
David Very well⁠—go ahead.
Judith June has always been an unlucky month for me.
Myra Look here, Judith, I’d like to explain one thing⁠—
Judith Austerely. I don’t wish to hear any explanations or excuses⁠—they’re so cheapening. This was bound to happen sooner or later⁠—it always does, to everybody. The only thing is to keep calm.
David I am⁠—perfectly.
Judith Sharply. There is such a thing as being too calm.
David Sorry, dear.
Judith Life has dealt me another blow, but I don’t mind.
David What did you say?
Judith Crossly. I said Life had dealt me another blow, but I didn’t mind.
David Rubbish.
Judith Gently. You’re probably irritable, dear, because you’re in the wrong. It’s quite usual.
David Now, Judith⁠—
Judith Ssshhh! Let me speak⁠—it is my right.
Myra I don’t see why.
Judith Surprised. I am the injured party, am I not?
Myra Injured?
Judith Firmly. Yes, extremely injured.
David Contemptuously. Injured!
Judith Your attitude, David, is nothing short of deplorable.
David It’s all nonsense⁠—sheer, unbridled nonsense.
Judith No, David, you can’t evade the real issues as calmly as that. I’ve known for a long time⁠—I’ve realised subconsciously for years that you’ve stopped caring for me in “that way.”
David Irritably. What do you mean⁠—“that way”?
Judith With a wave of the hand. Just that way.⁠ ⁠… It’s rather tragic, but quite inevitable. I’m growing old now⁠—men don’t grow old like women, as you’ll find to your cost, Myra, in a year or two. David has retained his youth astonishingly, perhaps because he has had fewer responsibilities and cares than I⁠—
Myra This is all ridiculous hysteria.
David Looking at her and not liking her very much. No, Myra⁠—Judith is right. What are we to do?
Myra Furious. Do? Nothing!
Judith Ignoring her. Do you love her truly, David?
David Madly.
Myra Astounded. David!
David Intensely. You thought just now that I was joking. Couldn’t you see that all my flippancy was only a mask, hiding my real emotions⁠—crushing them down desperately⁠—?
Myra Scared. But, David, I⁠—
Judith I knew it! The time has come for the dividing of the ways.
Myra What on earth do you mean?
Judith I mean that I am not the sort of woman to hold a man against his will.
Myra You’re both making a mountain out of a molehill. David doesn’t love me madly, and I don’t love him. It’s⁠—
Judith Ssshhh!⁠—you do love him. I can see it in your eyes⁠—in your every gesture. David, I give you to her⁠—freely and without rancour. We must all be good friends, always.
David Judith, do you mean this?
Judith With a melting look. You know I do.
David How can we ever repay you?
Judith Just by being happy. I may leave this house later on⁠—I have a feeling that its associations may become painful, specially in the autumn⁠—
Myra Look here, Judith⁠—
Judith Shouting her down. October is such a mournful month in England. I think I shall probably go abroad⁠—perhaps a pension somewhere in Italy, with cypresses in the garden. I’ve always loved cypresses.
David What about the children?
Judith We must share them, dear.
David I’ll pay you exactly half the royalties I receive from everything, Judith.
Judith Bowing her head. That’s very generous of you.
David You have behaved magnificently. This is a crisis in our lives, and thanks to you⁠—
Myra Almost shrieking. Judith⁠—I will speak⁠—I⁠—
David Ssshhh, Myra darling⁠—we owe it to Judith to keep control of our emotions⁠—a scene would be agonising for her now. She has been brave and absolutely splendid throughout. Let’s not make things harder for her than we can help. Come, we’ll go out into the garden.
Myra I will not go out into the garden.
Judith Twisting her handkerchief. Please go⁠—I don’t think I can bear any more just now.
David So this is the end, Judith?
Judith Yes, my dear⁠—the end.

They shake hands sadly.

Simon enters violently from the garden.

Simon Mother⁠—Mother, I’ve got something important to tell you.
Judith Smiling bravely. Very well, dear.
Simon Where’s Sorel?
Judith In the library, I’m afraid.
Simon Opening library door. Sorel, come out⁠—I’ve got something vital to tell you.
David Fatherly. You seem excited, my boy. What has happened?
Sorel Entering with Sandy. What’s the matter?
Simon I wish you wouldn’t all look so depressed⁠—it’s good news!
David Good news! I thought perhaps Jackie had been drowned⁠—
Simon No, Jackie hasn’t been drowned⁠—she’s been something else.
Judith Simon, what do you mean?
Simon Calling. Jackie⁠—Jackie!
Jackie enters coyly from the garden.
She has become engaged⁠—to me!
Judith In heartfelt tones. Simon!
Sorel Good heavens!
Judith Simon, my dear! Oh, this is too much! She cries a little.
Simon What on earth are you crying about, Mother?
Judith Picturesquely. All my chicks leaving the nest. Now I shall only have my memories left. Jackie, come and kiss me.
Jackie goes to her.
You must promise to make my son happy⁠—
Jackie Worried. But, Mrs. Bliss⁠—
Judith Ssshhh! I understand. I have not been a mother for nothing.
Jackie Wildly. But it’s not true⁠—we don’t⁠—
Judith You’re trying to spare my feelings⁠—I know⁠—
Myra Furiously. Well, I’m not going to spare your feelings, or anyone else’s. You’re the most infuriating set of hypocrites I’ve ever seen. This house is a complete featherbed of false emotions⁠—you’re posing, self-centred egotists, and I’m sick to death of you.
Simon Myra!
Myra Don’t speak to me⁠—I’ve been working up for this, only every time I opened my mouth I’ve been mowed down by theatrical effects. You haven’t got one sincere or genuine feeling among the lot of you⁠—you’re artificial to the point of lunacy. It’s a great pity you ever left the stage, Judith⁠—it’s your rightful home. You can rant and roar there as much as ever you like⁠—
Judith Rant and roar! May God forgive you!
Myra And let me tell you this⁠—
Simon Interrupting. I’m not going to allow you to say another word to Mother⁠—
Sorel You ought to be ashamed of yourself⁠—
Myra Let me speak⁠—I will speak⁠—
David Look here, Myra⁠—
Judith This is appalling⁠—appalling!
Sorel You must be stark, staring mad⁠—
Myra Never again⁠—never as long as I live⁠—
David You don’t seem to grasp one thing that⁠—
Simon Why are you behaving like this, anyhow?
In the middle of the pandemonium of everyone talking at once, Richard comes in from the garden. He looks extremely apprehensive, imagining that the noise is the outcome of Judith’s hysterical confession of their lukewarm passion. He goes to Judith’s side, summoning all his diplomatic forces. At his entrance everyone stops talking.
Richard With forced calm. What’s happened? Is this a game?
Judith’s face gives a slight twitch; then with a meaning look at Sorel and Simon, she answers him.
Judith With spirit. Yes, and a game that must be played to the finish!
Simon Grasping the situation. Zara! What does this mean?
Judith In bell-like tones. So many illusions shattered⁠—so many dreams trodden in the dust⁠—
David Collapsing on to the sofa in hysterics. Love’s whirlwind! Dear old Love’s whirlwind!
Sorel I don’t understand. You and Victor⁠—My God!
Judith Hush! Isn’t that little Pam crying⁠—?
Simon Savagely. She’ll cry more, poor mite, when she realises her mother is a⁠—a⁠—
Judith Shrieking. Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
Sorel Spare her that.
Judith I’ve given you all that makes life worth living⁠—my youth, my womanhood, and now my child. Would you tear the very heart out of me? I tell you, it’s infamous that men like you should be allowed to pollute Society. You have ruined my life. I have nothing left⁠—nothing. God in heaven, where am I to turn for help.⁠ ⁠…
Sorel Through clenched teeth. Is this true? Answer me⁠—is this true?
Judith Wailing. Yes, yes!
Sorel Springing at Simon. You cur!!!
Judith Rushing between them. Don’t strike! He is your father! She totters and falls in a dead faint.
Myra, Jackie, Richard and Sandy look on, dazed and aghast.
Curtain.

Act III

It is Sunday morning, about ten o’clock. There are various breakfast dishes on a side table, and a big table is laid down centre.

Sandy appears at the top of the stairs. On seeing no one about, he comes down quickly and furtively helps himself to eggs and bacon and coffee, and seats himself at the table. He eats very hurriedly, casting occasional glances over his shoulder. A door bangs somewhere upstairs, which terrifies him; he chokes violently. When he has recovered, he tears a bit of toast from a rack, butters it and marmalades it, and crams it into his mouth. Then, hearing somebody approaching, he darts into the library.

Jackie comes downstairs timorously; her expression is dismal, to say the least of it. She looks miserably out of the window at the pouring rain, then, assuming an air of spurious bravado, she helps herself to some breakfast and sits down and looks at it. After one or two attempts to eat it, she bursts into tears.

Sandy opens the library door a crack, and peeps out. Jackie, seeing the door move, screams. Sandy reenters.

Jackie Oh, it’s only you⁠—you frightened me!
Sandy What’s the matter?
Jackie Sniffing. Nothing.
Sandy I say, don’t cry.
Jackie I’m not crying.
Sandy You were⁠—I heard you.
Jackie It’s this house. It gets on my nerves.
Sandy I don’t wonder⁠—after last night.
Jackie What were you doing in the library just now?
Sandy Hiding.
Jackie Hiding?
Sandy Yes; I didn’t want to run up against any of the family.
Jackie I wish I’d never come. I had horrible nightmares with all those fearful dragons crawling across the wall.
Sandy Dragons?
Jackie Yes; I’m in a Japanese room⁠—everything in it’s Japanese, even the bed.
Sandy How awful!
Jackie I believe they’re all mad, you know.
Sandy The Blisses?
Jackie Yes⁠—they must be.
Sandy I’ve been thinking that too.
Jackie Do you suppose they know they’re mad?
Sandy No; people never do.
Jackie It was Mr. Bliss asked me down, and he hasn’t paid any attention to me at all. I went into his study soon after I arrived yesterday, and he said, “Who the hell are you?”
Sandy Didn’t he remember?
Jackie He did afterwards; then he brought me down to tea and left me.
Sandy Are you really engaged to Simon?
Jackie Bursting into tears again. Oh, no⁠—I hope not!
Sandy You were, last night.
Jackie So were you⁠—to Sorel.
Sandy Not properly. We talked it over.
Jackie I don’t know what happened to me. I was in the garden with Simon, and he was being awfully sweet, and then he suddenly kissed me, and rushed into the house and said we were engaged⁠—and that hateful Judith asked me to make him happy!
Sandy That’s exactly what happened to me and Sorel. Judith gave us to one another before we knew where we were.
Jackie How frightful!
Sandy I like Sorel, though; she was jolly decent about it afterwards.
Jackie I think she’s a cat.
Sandy Why?
Jackie Look at the way she lost her temper over that beastly game.
Sandy All the same, she’s better than the others.
Jackie That wouldn’t be very difficult.
Sandy Hic!
Jackie I beg your pardon?
Sandy Abashed. I say⁠—I’ve got hiccups.
Jackie Hold your breath.
Sandy It was because I bolted my breakfast. He holds his breath.
Jackie Hold it as long as you can.
There is a pause.
Sandy Letting his breath go with a gasp. I can’t any more⁠—hic!
Jackie Eat a lump of sugar.
Sandy Taking one. I’m awfully sorry.
Jackie I don’t mind⁠—but it’s a horrid feeling, isn’t it?
Sandy Horrid⁠—hic!
Jackie Conversationally. People have died from hiccups, you know.
Sandy Gloomily. Have they?
Jackie Yes. An aunt of mine once had them for three days without stopping.
Sandy How beastly.
Jackie With relish. She had to have the doctor, and everything.
Sandy I expect mine will stop soon.
Jackie I hope they will.
Sandy Hic!⁠—There!
Jackie Drink some water the wrong way round.
Sandy How do you mean⁠—the wrong way round?
Jackie Rising. The wrong side of the glass. I’ll show you. She goes to side table. There isn’t any water.
Sandy Perhaps coffee would do as well.
Jackie I’ve never tried coffee, but it might. She pours him out some. There you are.
Sandy Anxiously. What do I do?
Jackie Tip it up and drink from the opposite side, sort of upside down.
Sandy Trying. I can’t reach any⁠—
Jackie Suddenly. Look out⁠—somebody’s coming. Bring it into the library⁠—quick.⁠ ⁠…
Sandy Bring the sugar⁠—I might need it again⁠—hic! Oh God!
Jackie All right.

They go off into the library hurriedly.

Richard comes downstairs. He glances round a trifle anxiously; then, pulling himself together, he goes boldly to the barometer and taps it. It falls off the wall and breaks; he picks it up quickly and places it on the piano. Then he helps himself to some breakfast, and sits down.

Myra appears on the stairs, very smart and bright.

Myra Vivaciously. Good morning.
Richard Good morning.
Myra Are we the first down?
Richard No, I don’t think so.
Myra Looking out of the window. Isn’t this rain miserable?
Richard Appalling!
Myra Where’s the barometer?
Richard On the piano.
Myra What a queer place for it to be.
Richard I tapped it, and it fell down.
Myra Typical of this house. At side table. Are you having eggs and bacon, or haddock?
Richard Haddock.
Myra I’ll have haddock too. I simply couldn’t strike out a line for myself this morning. She helps herself to haddock and coffee, and sits down opposite Richard. Have you seen anybody?
Richard No.
Myra Good. We might have a little peace.
Richard Have you ever stayed here before?
Myra No, and I never will again.
Richard I feel far from well this morning.
Myra I’m so sorry, but not entirely surprised.
Richard You see, I had the boiler room.
Myra How terrible!
Richard The window stuck, and I couldn’t open it⁠—I was nearly suffocated. The pipes made peculiar noises all night, as well.
Myra There isn’t any sugar.
Richard Oh⁠—we’d better ring.
Myra I doubt if it will be the slightest use, but we’ll try.
Richard Ringing and ringing bell. Do the whole family have breakfast in bed?
Myra I neither know⁠—nor care.
Richard They’re strange people, aren’t they?
Myra I think “strange” is putting it mildly.
Enter Clara.
Clara What’s the matter?
Myra There isn’t any sugar.
Clara There is⁠—I put it ’ere myself.
Myra Perhaps you’d find it for us, then?
Clara Searching. That’s very funny. I could ’ave sworn on me Bible oath I brought it in.
Myra Well, it obviously isn’t here now.
Clara Someone’s taken it⁠—that’s what it is.
Richard It seems a queer thing to do.
Myra Do you think you could get us some more?
Clara Oh, yes, I’ll fetch you some; but mark my words, there’s been some ’anky-panky somewhere. She goes out.
Myra Clara is really more at home in a dressing-room than a house.
Richard Was she Judith’s dresser?
Myra Of course. What other excuse could there possibly be for her?
Richard She seems good-natured, but quaint.
Myra This haddock’s disgusting.
Richard It isn’t very nice, is it?
Reenter Clara with sugar. She plumps it down.
Clara There you are, dear.
Myra Thank you.
Clara It’s a shame the weather’s changed⁠—you might ’ave ’ad such fun up the river.
There comes the sound of a crash from the library, and a scream.
What’s that? She opens the door. Come out! What are you doing?
Jackie and Sandy enter, rather shamefaced.
Jackie Good morning. I’m afraid we’ve broken a coffee-cup.
Clara Was there any coffee in it?
Sandy Yes, a good deal.
Clara Rushing into the library. Oh dear! all over the carpet!
Sandy It was my fault. I’m most awfully sorry.
Clara reappears.
Clara How did you come to do it?
Jackie Well, you see, he had the hiccups, and I was showing him how to drink upside down.
Myra How ridiculous!
Clara Well, thank ’Eaven it wasn’t one of the Crown Derbys. She goes out.
Sandy They’ve gone now, anyhow.
Jackie It was the sudden shock, I expect.
Sandy Observantly. I say⁠—it’s raining!
Myra It’s been raining for hours.
Richard Mrs. Arundel⁠—
Myra Yes?
Richard What are you going to do about⁠—about today?
Myra Nothing, except go up to London by the first train possible.
Richard Do you mind if I come too? I don’t think I could face another day like yesterday.
Jackie Neither could I.
Sandy Eagerly. Let’s all go away⁠—quietly!
Richard Won’t it seem a little rude if we all go?
Myra Yes it will. To Sandy. You and Miss Coryton must stay.
Jackie I don’t see why.
Sandy I don’t think they’d mind very much if we all went.
Myra Yes, they would. You must let Mr. Greatham and me get away first, anyhow. Ring for Clara. I want to find out about trains.
Richard I hope they won’t all come down now.
Myra You needn’t worry about that; they’re sure to roll about in bed for hours⁠—they’re such a slovenly family.
Richard Have you got much packing to do?
Myra No; I did most of it before I came down.
Reenter Clara.
Clara What is it now?
Myra Can you tell me what trains there are up to London?
Clara When?
Myra This morning.
Clara Why?⁠—you’re not leaving, are you?
Myra Yes; Mr. Greatham and I have to be up by lunchtime.
Clara Well, you have missed the 10:15.
Myra Obviously.
Clara There isn’t another till 12:30.
Richard Good heavens!
Clara And that’s a slow one. She goes out.
Sandy To Jackie. Look here; I’ll take you up in my car as soon as you like.
Jackie All right; lovely!
Myra You’ve got a car, haven’t you?
Sandy Yes.
Myra Will it hold all of us?
Jackie You said it would be rude for us all to go. Hadn’t you and Mr. Greatham better wait for the train?
Myra Certainly not.
Richard To Sandy. If there is room, we should be very, very grateful.
Sandy I think I can squeeze you in.
Myra Then that’s settled, then.
Jackie When shall we start?
Sandy As soon as you’re ready.
Jackie Mrs. Arundel, what are you going to do about tipping Clara?
Myra I don’t know. To Richard. What do you think?
Richard I’ve hardly seen her since I’ve been here.
Jackie Isn’t there a housemaid or anything?
Richard I don’t think so.
Sandy Is ten bob enough?
Jackie Each?
Myra Too much.
Richard We’d better give her one pound ten between us.
Myra Very well, then. Will you do it, and we’ll settle up in the car?
Richard Must I?
Myra Yes. Ring for her.
Richard You’d do it much better.
Sandy rings the bell.
Myra Oh, no, I shouldn’t. To Jackie. Come on; we’ll finish our packing.
Jackie All right.
They begin to go upstairs.
Richard Here⁠—don’t leave me.
Sandy I’ll just go and look at the car. Will you all be ready in ten minutes?
Myra Yes, ten minutes. She goes off with Jackie.
Sandy Righto. He rushes out.
Clara reenters.
Clara ’Allo, where’s everybody gone?
Richard They’ve gone to get ready. We’re leaving in Mr. Tyrell’s car.
Clara A bit sudden, isn’t it?
Richard Pressing money into her hand. This is from all of us, Clara. Thank you very much for all your trouble.
Clara Surprised. Aren’t you a dear, now! There wasn’t any trouble.
Richard There must have been a lot of extra work.
Clara One gets used to that ’ere.
Richard Goodbye, Clara. He goes upstairs.
Clara proceeds to clear away the dirty breakfast things, which she takes out. She returns with a fresh pot of coffee, and meets Judith coming downstairs.
Judith Good morning, Clara. Have the papers come?
Clara Yes⁠—I’ll fetch them. She goes out.

Judith pours herself out some coffee, and sits down.

Clara reenters with papers.

Judith Thank you. You’ve forgotten my orange juice.
Clara No, I ’aven’t, dear; it’s just outside. She goes out again.
Judith turns to the theatrical column of the Sunday Times. Sorel comes downstairs and kisses her.
Sorel Good morning, darling.
Judith Listen to this. She reads. “We saw Judith Bliss in a box at the Haymarket on Tuesday, looking as lovely as ever.” There now! I thought I looked hideous on Tuesday.
Sorel You looked sweet. She goes to get herself some breakfast.
Clara reappears, with a glass of orange juice.
Clara Placing it in front of Judith. Did you see that nice bit in The Referee?
Judith No⁠—The Times.
Clara The Referee’s much better. She finds the place and hands it to Sorel.
Sorel Reading. “I saw gay and colourful Judith Bliss at the Waifs and Strays Matinée last week. She was talking vivaciously to Producer Basil Dean. ‘I’ sooth,’ said I to myself, ‘where ignorance is Bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.’ ”
Judith Taking it from her. Dear Referee! It’s so unselfconscious.
Clara If you want any more coffee, ring for it. She goes out.
Sorel Sitting down. I wish I were sitting on a lovely South Sea island, with masses of palm trees and coconuts and turtles⁠—
Judith It would be divine, wouldn’t it?
Sorel I wonder where everybody is?
Judith Still reading. I wonder.⁠ ⁠… Mary Saunders has got another failure.
Sorel She must be used to it by now.
Simon comes downstairs with a rush.
Simon Kissing Judith. Good morning, darling.⁠—Look! He shows her a newly completed sketch.
Judith Simon! How lovely! When did you do it?
Simon This morning⁠—I woke early.
Sorel Rising and craning over Judith’s shoulder. Let’s see.
Simon Over the other shoulder. I’m going to alter Helen’s face; it’s too pink.
Sorel Laughing. It’s exactly like her.
Judith What a clever son I have!
Simon Now then, Mother!
Judith It’s too wonderful⁠—when I think of you both in your perambulators.⁠ ⁠… Oh dear, it makes me cry! She sniffs.
Sorel I don’t believe you ever saw us in our perambulators.
Judith I don’t believe I did.
David comes downstairs.
David Hilariously. It’s finished!
Judith What, dear?
David The Sinful Woman.
Judith How splendid. Read it to us now.
David I’ve got the last chapter here.
Judith Go on, then.
Sandy rushes in from the front door. On seeing everyone, he halts.
Sandy Good morning. He bolts upstairs two at a time.
Judith I seem to know that boy’s face.
David Preparing to read. Listen. You remember when Violet was taken ill in Paris?
Judith Yes, dear.⁠—Marmalade, Simon.
David Well, I’ll go on from there.
Judith Do, dear.
David Reading. “Paris in spring, with the Champs Élysées alive and dancing in the sunlight; lightly dressed children like gay painted butterflies⁠—”
Simon Whispering to Sorel. What’s happened to the barometer?
Sorel Sibilantly. I don’t know.
David Damn the barometer!
Judith Don’t get cross, dear.
David Why can’t you keep quiet, Simon, or go away!
Simon Sorry, Father.
David Well, don’t interrupt again.⁠ ⁠… Reading. “… gay painted butterflies; the streets were thronged with hurrying vehicles, the thin peek-peek of taxi-hooters⁠—”
Sorel I love “peek-peek.”
David Ignoring her. “⁠—seemed to merge in with the other vivid noises weaving a vast pattern of sound which was Paris. Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St.-Honoré into the Place de la Concorde⁠—”
Judith She couldn’t have.
David Why?
Judith The Rue St.-Honoré doesn’t lead into the Place de la Concorde.
David Yes, it does.
Sorel You’re thinking of the Rue Boissy d’Anglas, Father.
David I’m not thinking of anything of the sort.
Judith David darling, don’t be obstinate.
David Hotly. Do you think I don’t know Paris as well as you do?
Simon Never mind. Father’s probably right.
Sorel He isn’t right⁠—he’s wrong!
David Go on with your food, Sorel.
Judith Don’t be testy, David: it’s a sign of age.
David Firmly. “Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St.-Honoré into the Place de la Concorde⁠—”
Judith That sounds absolutely ridiculous. Why don’t you alter it?
David It isn’t ridiculous; it’s perfectly right.
Judith Very well, then; get a map, and I’ll show you.
Simon We haven’t got a map.
David Putting his MS. down. Now, look here, Judith⁠—here’s the Rue Royale⁠—He arranges the butter-dish and marmalade-pot.⁠—here’s the Crillon Hotel, and here’s the Rue St.-Honoré⁠—
Judith It isn’t⁠—it’s the Boissy d’Anglas.
David That runs parallel with the Rue de Rivoli.
Judith You’ve got it all muddled.
David Loudly. I have not got it all muddled.
Judith Don’t shout. You have.
Simon Why not let Father get on with it?
Judith It’s so silly to get cross at criticism⁠—it indicates a small mind.
David Small mind my foot!
Judith That was very rude. I shall go to my room in a minute.
David I wish you would.
Judith Outraged. David!
Sorel Look here, Father, Mother’s right⁠—here’s the Place de la Concorde⁠—
Simon Oh, shut up, Sorel.
Sorel Shut up yourself, you pompous little beast.
Simon You think you know such a lot about everything, and you’re as ignorant as a frog.
Sorel Why a frog?
Judith I give you my solemn promise, David, that you’re wrong.
David I don’t want your solemn promise, because I know I’m right.
Simon It’s no use arguing with Father, Mother.
Sorel Why isn’t it any use arguing with Father?
Simon Because you’re both so pigheaded!
David Are you content to sit here, Judith, and let your son insult me?
Judith He’s your son as well as mine.
David I begin to doubt it.
Judith Bursting into tears of rage. David!
Simon Consoling her. Father, how can you!
David Rising. I’ll never attempt to read any of you anything again as long as I live. You’re not a bit interested in my work, and you don’t give a damn whether I’m a success or a failure.
Judith You’re dead certain to be a failure if you cram your books with inaccuracies.
David Hammering the table with his fist. I am not inaccurate!
Judith Yes, you are; and you’re foul-tempered and spoilt.
David Spoilt! I like that! Nobody here spoils me⁠—you’re the most insufferable family to live with⁠—
Judith Well, why in Heaven’s name don’t you go and live somewhere else?
David There’s gratitude!
Judith Gratitude for what, I’d like to know?
Sorel Mother, keep calm.
Judith Calm! I’m furious.
David What have you got to be furious about? Everyone rushing round adoring you and saying how wonderful you are⁠—
Judith I am wonderful, Heaven knows, to have stood you for all these years.
Sorel Mother, do sit down and be quiet.
Simon How dare you speak to Mother like that!
During this scene Myra, Jackie, Richard and Sandy creep downstairs, with their bags, unperceived by the family. They make for the front door.
Judith Wailing. Oh, oh! To think that my daughter should turn against me!
David Don’t be theatrical.
Judith I’m not theatrical⁠—I’m wounded to the heart.
David Rubbish⁠—rubbish⁠—rubbish!
Judith Don’t you say Rubbish to me!
David I will say Rubbish!
Sorel Ssshhh, Father!
Simon That’s right! Be the dutiful daughter and encourage your father⁠—
David Listen to me, Judith⁠—
Judith Oh, this is dreadful⁠—dreadful!
Sorel The whole thing doesn’t really matter in the least⁠—
Simon —to insult your mother⁠—
David The Place de la Concorde⁠—
Judith I never realised how small you were, David. You’re tiny⁠—
The universal pandemonium is suddenly broken by the front door slamming. There is dead silence for a moment, then the noise of a car is heard. Sorel runs and looks out of the window.
Simon There now!
Sorel They’ve all gone!
Judith Sitting down. How very rude!
David Also sitting down. People really do behave in the most extraordinary manner these days⁠—
Judith Come back and finish your breakfast, Sorel.
Sorel All right. She sits down.
Simon Toast, please, Sorel.
Sorel Passing it to him. Here.
Judith Go on, David; I’m dying to hear the end⁠—
David Reading. “Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue Boissy d’Anglas into the Place Vêndome⁠—”
Judith I meant to tell you before, David⁠—I’ve made a great decision.
David Amiably. What is it?
Judith I really am going to return to the stage!
Curtain.

Colophon

The Standard Ebooks logo.

Hay Fever
was published in by
Noël Coward.

This ebook was produced for
Standard Ebooks
by
Robin Whittleton,
and is based on a transcription produced in by
Charlene Taylor, Tana Aivaz Colburn, and Distributed Proofreaders
for
Project Gutenberg
and on digital scans from the
Internet Archive.

The cover page is adapted from
Halloween,
a painting completed in by
Howard Chandler Christy.
The cover and title pages feature the
League Spartan and Sorts Mill Goudy
typefaces created in and by
The League of Moveable Type.

The first edition of this ebook was released on

You can check for updates to this ebook, view its revision history, or download it for different ereading systems at
standardebooks.org/ebooks/noel-coward/hay-fever.

The volunteer-driven Standard Ebooks project relies on readers like you to submit typos, corrections, and other improvements. Anyone can contribute at standardebooks.org.

Uncopyright

May you do good and not evil.
May you find forgiveness for yourself and forgive others.
May you share freely, never taking more than you give.

Copyright pages exist to tell you that you can’t do something. Unlike them, this Uncopyright page exists to tell you that the writing and artwork in this ebook are believed to be in the United States public domain; that is, they are believed to be free of copyright restrictions in the United States. The United States public domain represents our collective cultural heritage, and items in it are free for anyone in the United States to do almost anything at all with, without having to get permission.

Copyright laws are different all over the world, and the source text or artwork in this ebook may still be copyrighted in other countries. If you’re not located in the United States, you must check your local laws before using this ebook. Standard Ebooks makes no representations regarding the copyright status of the source text or artwork in this ebook in any country other than the United States.

Non-authorship activities performed on items that are in the public domain⁠—so-called “sweat of the brow” work⁠—don’t create a new copyright. That means that nobody can claim a new copyright on an item that is in the public domain for, among other things, work like digitization, markup, or typography. Regardless, the contributors to this ebook release their contributions under the terms in the CC0 1.0 Universal Public Domain Dedication, thus dedicating to the worldwide public domain all of the work they’ve done on this ebook, including but not limited to metadata, the titlepage, imprint, colophon, this Uncopyright, and any changes or enhancements to, or markup on, the original text and artwork. This dedication doesn’t change the copyright status of the source text or artwork. We make this dedication in the interest of enriching our global cultural heritage, to promote free and libre culture around the world, and to give back to the unrestricted culture that has given all of us so much.