Act III

It is Sunday morning, about ten o’clock. There are various breakfast dishes on a side table, and a big table is laid down centre.

Sandy appears at the top of the stairs. On seeing no one about, he comes down quickly and furtively helps himself to eggs and bacon and coffee, and seats himself at the table. He eats very hurriedly, casting occasional glances over his shoulder. A door bangs somewhere upstairs, which terrifies him; he chokes violently. When he has recovered, he tears a bit of toast from a rack, butters it and marmalades it, and crams it into his mouth. Then, hearing somebody approaching, he darts into the library.

Jackie comes downstairs timorously; her expression is dismal, to say the least of it. She looks miserably out of the window at the pouring rain, then, assuming an air of spurious bravado, she helps herself to some breakfast and sits down and looks at it. After one or two attempts to eat it, she bursts into tears.

Sandy opens the library door a crack, and peeps out. Jackie, seeing the door move, screams. Sandy reenters.

Jackie Oh, it’s only you⁠—you frightened me!
Sandy What’s the matter?
Jackie Sniffing. Nothing.
Sandy I say, don’t cry.
Jackie I’m not crying.
Sandy You were⁠—I heard you.
Jackie It’s this house. It gets on my nerves.
Sandy I don’t wonder⁠—after last night.
Jackie What were you doing in the library just now?
Sandy Hiding.
Jackie Hiding?
Sandy Yes; I didn’t want to run up against any of the family.
Jackie I wish I’d never come. I had horrible nightmares with all those fearful dragons crawling across the wall.
Sandy Dragons?
Jackie Yes; I’m in a Japanese room⁠—everything in it’s Japanese, even the bed.
Sandy How awful!
Jackie I believe they’re all mad, you know.
Sandy The Blisses?
Jackie Yes⁠—they must be.
Sandy I’ve been thinking that too.
Jackie Do you suppose they know they’re mad?
Sandy No; people never do.
Jackie It was Mr. Bliss asked me down, and he hasn’t paid any attention to me at all. I went into his study soon after I arrived yesterday, and he said, “Who the hell are you?”
Sandy Didn’t he remember?
Jackie He did afterwards; then he brought me down to tea and left me.
Sandy Are you really engaged to Simon?
Jackie Bursting into tears again. Oh, no⁠—I hope not!
Sandy You were, last night.
Jackie So were you⁠—to Sorel.
Sandy Not properly. We talked it over.
Jackie I don’t know what happened to me. I was in the garden with Simon, and he was being awfully sweet, and then he suddenly kissed me, and rushed into the house and said we were engaged⁠—and that hateful Judith asked me to make him happy!
Sandy That’s exactly what happened to me and Sorel. Judith gave us to one another before we knew where we were.
Jackie How frightful!
Sandy I like Sorel, though; she was jolly decent about it afterwards.
Jackie I think she’s a cat.
Sandy Why?
Jackie Look at the way she lost her temper over that beastly game.
Sandy All the same, she’s better than the others.
Jackie That wouldn’t be very difficult.
Sandy Hic!
Jackie I beg your pardon?
Sandy Abashed. I say⁠—I’ve got hiccups.
Jackie Hold your breath.
Sandy It was because I bolted my breakfast. He holds his breath.
Jackie Hold it as long as you can.
There is a pause.
Sandy Letting his breath go with a gasp. I can’t any more⁠—hic!
Jackie Eat a lump of sugar.
Sandy Taking one. I’m awfully sorry.
Jackie I don’t mind⁠—but it’s a horrid feeling, isn’t it?
Sandy Horrid⁠—hic!
Jackie Conversationally. People have died from hiccups, you know.
Sandy Gloomily. Have they?
Jackie Yes. An aunt of mine once had them for three days without stopping.
Sandy How beastly.
Jackie With relish. She had to have the doctor, and everything.
Sandy I expect mine will stop soon.
Jackie I hope they will.
Sandy Hic!⁠—There!
Jackie Drink some water the wrong way round.
Sandy How do you mean⁠—the wrong way round?
Jackie Rising. The wrong side of the glass. I’ll show you. She goes to side table. There isn’t any water.
Sandy Perhaps coffee would do as well.
Jackie I’ve never tried coffee, but it might. She pours him out some. There you are.
Sandy Anxiously. What do I do?
Jackie Tip it up and drink from the opposite side, sort of upside down.
Sandy Trying. I can’t reach any⁠—
Jackie Suddenly. Look out⁠—somebody’s coming. Bring it into the library⁠—quick.⁠ ⁠…
Sandy Bring the sugar⁠—I might need it again⁠—hic! Oh God!
Jackie All right.

They go off into the library hurriedly.

Richard comes downstairs. He glances round a trifle anxiously; then, pulling himself together, he goes boldly to the barometer and taps it. It falls off the wall and breaks; he picks it up quickly and places it on the piano. Then he helps himself to some breakfast, and sits down.

Myra appears on the stairs, very smart and bright.

Myra Vivaciously. Good morning.
Richard Good morning.
Myra Are we the first down?
Richard No, I don’t think so.
Myra Looking out of the window. Isn’t this rain miserable?
Richard Appalling!
Myra Where’s the barometer?
Richard On the piano.
Myra What a queer place for it to be.
Richard I tapped it, and it fell down.
Myra Typical of this house. At side table. Are you having eggs and bacon, or haddock?
Richard Haddock.
Myra I’ll have haddock too. I simply couldn’t strike out a line for myself this morning. She helps herself to haddock and coffee, and sits down opposite Richard. Have you seen anybody?
Richard No.
Myra Good. We might have a little peace.
Richard Have you ever stayed here before?
Myra No, and I never will again.
Richard I feel far from well this morning.
Myra I’m so sorry, but not entirely surprised.
Richard You see, I had the boiler room.
Myra How terrible!
Richard The window stuck, and I couldn’t open it⁠—I was nearly suffocated. The pipes made peculiar noises all night, as well.
Myra There isn’t any sugar.
Richard Oh⁠—we’d better ring.
Myra I doubt if it will be the slightest use, but we’ll try.
Richard Ringing and ringing bell. Do the whole family have breakfast in bed?
Myra I neither know⁠—nor care.
Richard They’re strange people, aren’t they?
Myra I think “strange” is putting it mildly.
Enter Clara.
Clara What’s the matter?
Myra There isn’t any sugar.
Clara There is⁠—I put it ’ere myself.
Myra Perhaps you’d find it for us, then?
Clara Searching. That’s very funny. I could ’ave sworn on me Bible oath I brought it in.
Myra Well, it obviously isn’t here now.
Clara Someone’s taken it⁠—that’s what it is.
Richard It seems a queer thing to do.
Myra Do you think you could get us some more?
Clara Oh, yes, I’ll fetch you some; but mark my words, there’s been some ’anky-panky somewhere. She goes out.
Myra Clara is really more at home in a dressing-room than a house.
Richard Was she Judith’s dresser?
Myra Of course. What other excuse could there possibly be for her?
Richard She seems good-natured, but quaint.
Myra This haddock’s disgusting.
Richard It isn’t very nice, is it?
Reenter Clara with sugar. She plumps it down.
Clara There you are, dear.
Myra Thank you.
Clara It’s a shame the weather’s changed⁠—you might ’ave ’ad such fun up the river.
There comes the sound of a crash from the library, and a scream.
What’s that? She opens the door. Come out! What are you doing?
Jackie and Sandy enter, rather shamefaced.
Jackie Good morning. I’m afraid we’ve broken a coffee-cup.
Clara Was there any coffee in it?
Sandy Yes, a good deal.
Clara Rushing into the library. Oh dear! all over the carpet!
Sandy It was my fault. I’m most awfully sorry.
Clara reappears.
Clara How did you come to do it?
Jackie Well, you see, he had the hiccups, and I was showing him how to drink upside down.
Myra How ridiculous!
Clara Well, thank ’Eaven it wasn’t one of the Crown Derbys. She goes out.
Sandy They’ve gone now, anyhow.
Jackie It was the sudden shock, I expect.
Sandy Observantly. I say⁠—it’s raining!
Myra It’s been raining for hours.
Richard Mrs. Arundel⁠—
Myra Yes?
Richard What are you going to do about⁠—about today?
Myra Nothing, except go up to London by the first train possible.
Richard Do you mind if I come too? I don’t think I could face another day like yesterday.
Jackie Neither could I.
Sandy Eagerly. Let’s all go away⁠—quietly!
Richard Won’t it seem a little rude if we all go?
Myra Yes it will. To Sandy. You and Miss Coryton must stay.
Jackie I don’t see why.
Sandy I don’t think they’d mind very much if we all went.
Myra Yes, they would. You must let Mr. Greatham and me get away first, anyhow. Ring for Clara. I want to find out about trains.
Richard I hope they won’t all come down now.
Myra You needn’t worry about that; they’re sure to roll about in bed for hours⁠—they’re such a slovenly family.
Richard Have you got much packing to do?
Myra No; I did most of it before I came down.
Reenter Clara.
Clara What is it now?
Myra Can you tell me what trains there are up to London?
Clara When?
Myra This morning.
Clara Why?⁠—you’re not leaving, are you?
Myra Yes; Mr. Greatham and I have to be up by lunchtime.
Clara Well, you have missed the 10:15.
Myra Obviously.
Clara There isn’t another till 12:30.
Richard Good heavens!
Clara And that’s a slow one. She goes out.
Sandy To Jackie. Look here; I’ll take you up in my car as soon as you like.
Jackie All right; lovely!
Myra You’ve got a car, haven’t you?
Sandy Yes.
Myra Will it hold all of us?
Jackie You said it would be rude for us all to go. Hadn’t you and Mr. Greatham better wait for the train?
Myra Certainly not.
Richard To Sandy. If there is room, we should be very, very grateful.
Sandy I think I can squeeze you in.
Myra Then that’s settled, then.
Jackie When shall we start?
Sandy As soon as you’re ready.
Jackie Mrs. Arundel, what are you going to do about tipping Clara?
Myra I don’t know. To Richard. What do you think?
Richard I’ve hardly seen her since I’ve been here.
Jackie Isn’t there a housemaid or anything?
Richard I don’t think so.
Sandy Is ten bob enough?
Jackie Each?
Myra Too much.
Richard We’d better give her one pound ten between us.
Myra Very well, then. Will you do it, and we’ll settle up in the car?
Richard Must I?
Myra Yes. Ring for her.
Richard You’d do it much better.
Sandy rings the bell.
Myra Oh, no, I shouldn’t. To Jackie. Come on; we’ll finish our packing.
Jackie All right.
They begin to go upstairs.
Richard Here⁠—don’t leave me.
Sandy I’ll just go and look at the car. Will you all be ready in ten minutes?
Myra Yes, ten minutes. She goes off with Jackie.
Sandy Righto. He rushes out.
Clara reenters.
Clara ’Allo, where’s everybody gone?
Richard They’ve gone to get ready. We’re leaving in Mr. Tyrell’s car.
Clara A bit sudden, isn’t it?
Richard Pressing money into her hand. This is from all of us, Clara. Thank you very much for all your trouble.
Clara Surprised. Aren’t you a dear, now! There wasn’t any trouble.
Richard There must have been a lot of extra work.
Clara One gets used to that ’ere.
Richard Goodbye, Clara. He goes upstairs.
Clara proceeds to clear away the dirty breakfast things, which she takes out. She returns with a fresh pot of coffee, and meets Judith coming downstairs.
Judith Good morning, Clara. Have the papers come?
Clara Yes⁠—I’ll fetch them. She goes out.

Judith pours herself out some coffee, and sits down.

Clara reenters with papers.

Judith Thank you. You’ve forgotten my orange juice.
Clara No, I ’aven’t, dear; it’s just outside. She goes out again.
Judith turns to the theatrical column of the Sunday Times. Sorel comes downstairs and kisses her.
Sorel Good morning, darling.
Judith Listen to this. She reads. “We saw Judith Bliss in a box at the Haymarket on Tuesday, looking as lovely as ever.” There now! I thought I looked hideous on Tuesday.
Sorel You looked sweet. She goes to get herself some breakfast.
Clara reappears, with a glass of orange juice.
Clara Placing it in front of Judith. Did you see that nice bit in The Referee?
Judith No⁠—The Times.
Clara The Referee’s much better. She finds the place and hands it to Sorel.
Sorel Reading. “I saw gay and colourful Judith Bliss at the Waifs and Strays Matinée last week. She was talking vivaciously to Producer Basil Dean. ‘I’ sooth,’ said I to myself, ‘where ignorance is Bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.’ ”
Judith Taking it from her. Dear Referee! It’s so unselfconscious.
Clara If you want any more coffee, ring for it. She goes out.
Sorel Sitting down. I wish I were sitting on a lovely South Sea island, with masses of palm trees and coconuts and turtles⁠—
Judith It would be divine, wouldn’t it?
Sorel I wonder where everybody is?
Judith Still reading. I wonder.⁠ ⁠… Mary Saunders has got another failure.
Sorel She must be used to it by now.
Simon comes downstairs with a rush.
Simon Kissing Judith. Good morning, darling.⁠—Look! He shows her a newly completed sketch.
Judith Simon! How lovely! When did you do it?
Simon This morning⁠—I woke early.
Sorel Rising and craning over Judith’s shoulder. Let’s see.
Simon Over the other shoulder. I’m going to alter Helen’s face; it’s too pink.
Sorel Laughing. It’s exactly like her.
Judith What a clever son I have!
Simon Now then, Mother!
Judith It’s too wonderful⁠—when I think of you both in your perambulators.⁠ ⁠… Oh dear, it makes me cry! She sniffs.
Sorel I don’t believe you ever saw us in our perambulators.
Judith I don’t believe I did.
David comes downstairs.
David Hilariously. It’s finished!
Judith What, dear?
David The Sinful Woman.
Judith How splendid. Read it to us now.
David I’ve got the last chapter here.
Judith Go on, then.
Sandy rushes in from the front door. On seeing everyone, he halts.
Sandy Good morning. He bolts upstairs two at a time.
Judith I seem to know that boy’s face.
David Preparing to read. Listen. You remember when Violet was taken ill in Paris?
Judith Yes, dear.⁠—Marmalade, Simon.
David Well, I’ll go on from there.
Judith Do, dear.
David Reading. “Paris in spring, with the Champs Élysées alive and dancing in the sunlight; lightly dressed children like gay painted butterflies⁠—”
Simon Whispering to Sorel. What’s happened to the barometer?
Sorel Sibilantly. I don’t know.
David Damn the barometer!
Judith Don’t get cross, dear.
David Why can’t you keep quiet, Simon, or go away!
Simon Sorry, Father.
David Well, don’t interrupt again.⁠ ⁠… Reading. “… gay painted butterflies; the streets were thronged with hurrying vehicles, the thin peek-peek of taxi-hooters⁠—”
Sorel I love “peek-peek.”
David Ignoring her. “⁠—seemed to merge in with the other vivid noises weaving a vast pattern of sound which was Paris. Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St.-Honoré into the Place de la Concorde⁠—”
Judith She couldn’t have.
David Why?
Judith The Rue St.-Honoré doesn’t lead into the Place de la Concorde.
David Yes, it does.
Sorel You’re thinking of the Rue Boissy d’Anglas, Father.
David I’m not thinking of anything of the sort.
Judith David darling, don’t be obstinate.
David Hotly. Do you think I don’t know Paris as well as you do?
Simon Never mind. Father’s probably right.
Sorel He isn’t right⁠—he’s wrong!
David Go on with your food, Sorel.
Judith Don’t be testy, David: it’s a sign of age.
David Firmly. “Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue St.-Honoré into the Place de la Concorde⁠—”
Judith That sounds absolutely ridiculous. Why don’t you alter it?
David It isn’t ridiculous; it’s perfectly right.
Judith Very well, then; get a map, and I’ll show you.
Simon We haven’t got a map.
David Putting his MS. down. Now, look here, Judith⁠—here’s the Rue Royale⁠—He arranges the butter-dish and marmalade-pot.⁠—here’s the Crillon Hotel, and here’s the Rue St.-Honoré⁠—
Judith It isn’t⁠—it’s the Boissy d’Anglas.
David That runs parallel with the Rue de Rivoli.
Judith You’ve got it all muddled.
David Loudly. I have not got it all muddled.
Judith Don’t shout. You have.
Simon Why not let Father get on with it?
Judith It’s so silly to get cross at criticism⁠—it indicates a small mind.
David Small mind my foot!
Judith That was very rude. I shall go to my room in a minute.
David I wish you would.
Judith Outraged. David!
Sorel Look here, Father, Mother’s right⁠—here’s the Place de la Concorde⁠—
Simon Oh, shut up, Sorel.
Sorel Shut up yourself, you pompous little beast.
Simon You think you know such a lot about everything, and you’re as ignorant as a frog.
Sorel Why a frog?
Judith I give you my solemn promise, David, that you’re wrong.
David I don’t want your solemn promise, because I know I’m right.
Simon It’s no use arguing with Father, Mother.
Sorel Why isn’t it any use arguing with Father?
Simon Because you’re both so pigheaded!
David Are you content to sit here, Judith, and let your son insult me?
Judith He’s your son as well as mine.
David I begin to doubt it.
Judith Bursting into tears of rage. David!
Simon Consoling her. Father, how can you!
David Rising. I’ll never attempt to read any of you anything again as long as I live. You’re not a bit interested in my work, and you don’t give a damn whether I’m a success or a failure.
Judith You’re dead certain to be a failure if you cram your books with inaccuracies.
David Hammering the table with his fist. I am not inaccurate!
Judith Yes, you are; and you’re foul-tempered and spoilt.
David Spoilt! I like that! Nobody here spoils me⁠—you’re the most insufferable family to live with⁠—
Judith Well, why in Heaven’s name don’t you go and live somewhere else?
David There’s gratitude!
Judith Gratitude for what, I’d like to know?
Sorel Mother, keep calm.
Judith Calm! I’m furious.
David What have you got to be furious about? Everyone rushing round adoring you and saying how wonderful you are⁠—
Judith I am wonderful, Heaven knows, to have stood you for all these years.
Sorel Mother, do sit down and be quiet.
Simon How dare you speak to Mother like that!
During this scene Myra, Jackie, Richard and Sandy creep downstairs, with their bags, unperceived by the family. They make for the front door.
Judith Wailing. Oh, oh! To think that my daughter should turn against me!
David Don’t be theatrical.
Judith I’m not theatrical⁠—I’m wounded to the heart.
David Rubbish⁠—rubbish⁠—rubbish!
Judith Don’t you say Rubbish to me!
David I will say Rubbish!
Sorel Ssshhh, Father!
Simon That’s right! Be the dutiful daughter and encourage your father⁠—
David Listen to me, Judith⁠—
Judith Oh, this is dreadful⁠—dreadful!
Sorel The whole thing doesn’t really matter in the least⁠—
Simon —to insult your mother⁠—
David The Place de la Concorde⁠—
Judith I never realised how small you were, David. You’re tiny⁠—
The universal pandemonium is suddenly broken by the front door slamming. There is dead silence for a moment, then the noise of a car is heard. Sorel runs and looks out of the window.
Simon There now!
Sorel They’ve all gone!
Judith Sitting down. How very rude!
David Also sitting down. People really do behave in the most extraordinary manner these days⁠—
Judith Come back and finish your breakfast, Sorel.
Sorel All right. She sits down.
Simon Toast, please, Sorel.
Sorel Passing it to him. Here.
Judith Go on, David; I’m dying to hear the end⁠—
David Reading. “Jane Sefton, in her scarlet Hispano, swept out of the Rue Boissy d’Anglas into the Place Vêndome⁠—”
Judith I meant to tell you before, David⁠—I’ve made a great decision.
David Amiably. What is it?
Judith I really am going to return to the stage!
Curtain.