Act I

Scene: The hall of David Bliss’s house is very comfortable and extremely untidy. There are several of Simon’s cartoons scattered about the walls, masses of highly coloured American and classical music strewn about the piano, and lots of flowers and comfortable furniture. A staircase ascends to a small balcony leading to the bedrooms, David’s study and Simon’s room. There is a door leading to the library down R. A service door above it under the stairs. There are French windows at back, and the front door on the L.

When the curtain rises it is about three o’clock on a Saturday afternoon in June.

Simon, in an extremely dirty tennis shirt and baggy grey flannel trousers, is crouched in the middle of the floor, cutting out squares from cartridge paper.

Sorel, more neatly dressed, is stretched on the sofa, reading a very violently bound volume of poems which have been sent to her by an aspiring friend.

Sorel Listen to this, Simon. She reads. “Love’s a Trollop stained with wine⁠—Clawing at the breasts of Adolescence⁠—Nuzzling, tearing, shrieking, beating⁠—God, why were we fashioned so!” She laughs.
Simon The poor girl’s potty.
Sorel I wish she hadn’t sent me the beastly book. I must say something nice about it.
Simon The binding’s very dashing.
Sorel She used to be such fun before she married that gloomy little man.
Simon She was always a fierce poseuse. It’s so silly of people to try and cultivate the artistic temperament. Au fond she’s just a normal, bouncing Englishwoman.
Sorel You didn’t shave this morning.
Simon I know I didn’t, but I’m going to in a minute, when I’ve finished this.
Sorel I sometimes wish we were more normal and bouncing, Simon.
Simon Why?
Sorel I should like to be a fresh, open-air girl with a passion for games.
Simon Thank God you’re not.
Sorel It would be so soothing.
Simon Not in this house.
Sorel Where’s Mother?
Simon In the garden, practising.
Sorel Practising?
Simon She’s learning the names of the flowers by heart.
Sorel What’s she up to?
Simon I don’t know.⁠—Damn! that’s crooked.
Sorel I always distrust her when she becomes the Squire’s lady.
Simon So do I.
Sorel She’s been at it hard all day⁠—she tapped the barometer this morning.
Simon She’s probably got a plan about impressing somebody.
Sorel Taking a cigarette. I wonder who.
Simon Some dreary, infatuated young man will appear soon, I expect.
Sorel Not today? You don’t think she’s asked anyone down today, do you?
Simon I don’t know. Has Father noticed anything?
Sorel No; he’s too immersed in work.
Simon Perhaps Clara will know.
Sorel Yell for her.
Simon Calling. Clara! Clara!⁠ ⁠…
Sorel Oh, Simon, I do hope she hasn’t asked anyone down today.
Simon Why? Have you?
Sorel Yes.
Simon Crossly. Why on earth didn’t you tell me?
Sorel I didn’t think you’d care one way or another.
Simon Who is it?
Sorel Richard Greatham.
Simon How exciting! I’ve never heard of him.
Sorel I shouldn’t flaunt your ignorance if I were you⁠—it makes you look silly.
Simon Rising. Well, that’s done. He rolls up the cartridge paper.
Sorel Everybody’s heard of Richard Greatham.
Simon Amiably. How lovely for them.
Sorel He’s a frightfully well-known diplomatist⁠—I met him at the Mainwarings’ dance.
Simon He’ll need all his diplomacy here.
Sorel I warned him not to expect good manners, but I hope you’ll be as pleasant to him as you can.
Simon Gently. I’ve never met any diplomatists, Sorel, but as a class I’m extremely prejudiced against them. They’re so suave and polished and debonair.
Sorel You could be a little more polished without losing caste.
Simon Will he have the papers with him?
Sorel What papers?
Simon Vaguely. Oh, any papers.
Sorel I wish you’d confine your biting irony to your caricatures, Simon.
Simon And I wish you’d confine your girlish infatuations to London, and not force them on your defenceless family.
Sorel I shall keep him out of your way as much as possible.
Simon Do, darling.
Enter Clara. She is a hot, round, untidy little woman.
Simon Clara, has Mother asked anyone down this weekend?
Clara I don’t know, dear. There isn’t much food in the house, and Amy’s got toothache.
Sorel I’ve got some oil of cloves somewhere.
Clara She tried that, but it only burnt her tongue. The poor girl’s been writhing about in the scullery like one o’clock.
Sorel You haven’t forgotten to put those flowers in the Japanese room?
Simon The Japanese room is essentially feminine, and entirely unsuited to the Pet of the Foreign Office.
Sorel Shut up, Simon.
Clara The room looks lovely, dear⁠—you needn’t worry. Just like your mother’s dressing-room on a first night.
Simon How restful!
Clara To Sorel. Have you told her about your boy friend?
Sorel Pained. Not boy friend, Clara.
Clara Going round, picking up things. Oh, well, whatever he is.
Simon I think Sorel’s beginning to be ashamed of us all, Clara⁠—I don’t altogether blame her; we are very slapdash.
Clara Are you going to leave that picture in the guests’ bathroom, dear? I don’t know if it’s quite the thing⁠—lots of pink, naked women rolling about in a field.
Simon Severely. Nudity can be very beautiful, Clara.
Clara Oh, can it! Perhaps being a dresser for so long ’as spoilt me eye for it. She goes out.
Simon Clara’s looking tired. We ought to have more servants and not depend on her so much.
Sorel You know we can never keep them. You’re right about us being slapdash, Simon. I wish we weren’t.
Simon Does it matter?
Sorel It must, I think⁠—to other people.
Simon It’s not our fault⁠—it’s the way we’ve been brought up.
Sorel Well, if we’re clever enough to realise that, we ought to be clever enough to change ourselves.
Simon I’m not sure that I want to.
Sorel We’re so awfully bad-mannered.
Simon Not to people we like.
Sorel The people we like put up with it because they like us.
Simon What do you mean, exactly, by bad manners? Lack of social tricks and small-talk?
Sorel We never attempt to look after people when they come here.
Simon Why should we? It’s loathsome being looked after.
Sorel Yes, but people like little attentions. We’ve never once asked anyone if they’ve slept well.
Simon I consider that an impertinence, anyhow.
Sorel I’m going to try to improve.
Simon You’re only going on like this because you’ve got a mania for a diplomatist. You’ll soon return to normal.
Sorel Earnestly. Abnormal, Simon⁠—that’s what we are. Abnormal. People stare in astonishment when we say what we consider perfectly ordinary things. I just remarked at Freda’s lunch the other day how nice it would be if someone invented something to make all our faces go up like the Chinese, because I was so bored with them going down⁠—and they all thought I was mad!
Simon It’s no use worrying, darling; we see things differently, I suppose, and if people don’t like it they must lump it.
Sorel Mother’s been awfully restless lately.
Simon Yes, I know.
Sorel Life must be terribly dull for her now, with nothing to do.
Simon She’ll go back soon, I expect; people never retire from the stage for long.
Sorel Father will be livid if she does.
Simon That won’t matter.
Enter Judith from the garden. She is carrying an armful of flowers and wearing a tea-gown, a large garden hat, gauntlet gloves and goloshes.
Judith You look awfully dirty, Simon. What have you been doing?
Simon Nonchalantly. Not washing very much.
Judith You should, darling, really. It’s so bad for your skin to leave things about on it. She proceeds to take off her goloshes.
Sorel Clara says Amy’s got toothache.
Judith Poor dear! There’s some oil of cloves in my medicine cupboard. Who is Amy?
Sorel The scullery-maid, I think.
Judith How extraordinary! She doesn’t look Amy a bit, does she? Much more Flossie.⁠—Give me a cigarette.
Sorel gives her a cigarette and lights it.
Delphiniums are those stubby red flowers, aren’t they?
Simon No, darling, they’re tall and blue.
Judith Yes, of course. The red ones are somebody’s name⁠—asters, that’s it. I knew it was something opulent. I do hope Clara has remembered about the Japanese room.
Sorel Japanese room!
Judith Yes; I told her to put some flowers in it and take Simon’s flannels out of the wardrobe drawer.
Sorel So did I.
Judith Ominously. Why?
Sorel Airily. I’ve asked Richard Greatham down for the weekend⁠—I didn’t think you’d mind.
Judith Mind! How dared you do such a thing?
Sorel He’s a diplomatist.
Judith That makes it much worse. We must wire and put him off at once.
Sorel It’s too late.
Judith Well, we’ll tell Clara to say we’ve been called away.
Sorel That would be extremely rude, and, anyhow, I want to see him.
Judith You mean to stand there in cold blood and tell me you’ve asked a complete stranger down for the weekend, and that you want to see him!
Sorel I’ve often done it before.
Judith I fail to see how that helps matters. Where’s he going to sleep?
Sorel The Japanese room.
Judith Oh, no, he isn’t⁠—Sandy Tyrell is sleeping in it.
Simon There now! What did I tell you?
Sorel Sandy⁠—what?
Judith Tyrell, dear.
Simon Why didn’t you tell us, Mother?
Judith I did. I’ve talked of nothing but Sandy Tyrell for days. I adore Sandy Tyrell.
Simon You’ve never mentioned him.
Sorel Who is he, Mother?
Judith He’s a perfect darling, and madly in love with me⁠—at least, it isn’t me really, it’s my Celebrated Actress glamour⁠—but it gives me a divinely cosy feeling. I met him at Nora Trent’s.
Sorel Mother, I wish you’d give up this sort of thing.
Judith What exactly do you mean by “this sort of thing,” Sorel?
Sorel You know perfectly well what I mean.
Judith Are you attempting to criticise me?
Sorel I should have thought you’d be above encouraging silly callow young men who are infatuated by your name.
Judith That may be true, but I shall allow nobody but myself to say it. I hoped you’d grow up a good daughter to me, not a critical aunt.
Sorel It’s so terribly cheap.
Judith Cheap! Nonsense! What about your diplomatist?
Sorel Surely that’s a little different, dear?
Judith If you mean that because you happen to be a vigorous ingénue of nineteen you have the complete monopoly of any amorous adventure there may be about, I feel it my firm duty to disillusion you.
Sorel But, Mother⁠—
Judith Anyone would think I was eighty, the way you go on. It was a great mistake not sending you to boarding schools, and you coming back and me being your elder sister.
Simon It wouldn’t have been any use. Everyone knows we’re your son and daughter.
Judith Only because I was stupid enough to dandle you about in front of cameras when you were little. I knew I should regret it.
Simon I don’t see any point in trying to be younger than you are.
Judith At your age, dear, it would be indecent if you did.
Sorel But, Mother darling, don’t you see, it’s awfully undignified for you to go flaunting about with young men?
Judith I don’t flaunt about⁠—I never have. I’ve been morally an extremely nice woman all my life⁠—more or less⁠—and if dabbling gives me pleasure, I don’t see why I shouldn’t dabble.
Sorel But it oughtn’t to give you pleasure any more.
Judith You know, Sorel, you grow more damnably feminine every day. I wish I’d brought you up differently.
Sorel I’m proud of being feminine.
Judith Kissing her. You’re a darling, and I adore you; and you’re very pretty, and I’m madly jealous of you.
Sorel With her arms round her. Are you really? How lovely.
Judith You will be nice to Sandy, won’t you?
Sorel Breaking away. Can’t he sleep in “Little Hell”?
Judith My dear, he’s frightfully athletic, and all those hot-water pipes will sap his vitality.
Sorel They’ll sap Richard’s vitality too.
Judith He won’t notice them; he’s probably used to scorching tropical Embassies with punkahs waving and everything.
Simon He’s sure to be deadly, anyhow.
Sorel You’re getting far too blasé and exclusive, Simon.
Simon Nothing of the sort. Only I loathe being hearty with your men friends.
Sorel You’ve never been even civil to any of my friends, men or women.
Judith Don’t bicker.
Simon Anyhow, the Japanese room’s a woman’s room, and a woman ought to have it.
Judith I promised it to Sandy⁠—he loves anything Japanese.
Simon So does Myra.
Judith Myra!
Simon Myra Arundel. I’ve asked her down.
Judith You’ve⁠—what?
Simon I’ve asked Myra down for the weekend⁠—she’s awfully amusing.
Sorel Well, all I can say is, it’s beastly of you. You might have warned me. What on earth will Richard say?
Simon Something exquisitely noncommittal, I expect.
Judith This is too much! Do you mean to tell me, Simon⁠—
Simon Firmly. Yes, Mother, I do. I’ve asked Myra down, and I have a perfect right to. You’ve always brought us up to be free about things.
Judith Myra Arundel is straining freedom to its utmost limits.
Simon Don’t you like her?
Judith No, dear, I detest her. She’s far too old for you, and she goes about using Sex as a sort of shrimping net.
Simon Really, Mother⁠—!
Judith It’s no use being cross. You know perfectly well I dislike her, and that’s why you never told me she was coming until too late to stop her. It’s intolerable of you.
Sorel Grandly. Whether she’s here or not is a matter of extreme indifference to me, but I’m afraid Richard won’t like her very much.
Simon You’re afraid he’ll like her too much.
Sorel That was an offensive remark, Simon, and rather silly.
Judith Plaintively. Why on earth don’t you fall in love with nice young girls, instead of self-conscious vampires?
Simon She’s not a vampire, and I never said I was in love with her.
Sorel He’s crazy about her. She butters him up and admires his sketches.
Simon What about you picking up old gentlemen at dances?
Sorel Furiously. He’s not old!
Judith You’ve both upset me thoroughly. I wanted a nice, restful weekend, with moments of Sandy’s ingenuous affection to warm the cockles of my heart when I felt in the mood, and now the house is going to be full of discord⁠—not enough food, everyone fighting for the bath⁠—perfect agony! I wish I were dead!
Simon You needn’t worry about Myra and me. We shall keep out of everyone’s way.
Sorel I shall take Richard on the river all day tomorrow.
Judith In what?
Sorel The punt.
Judith I absolutely forbid you to go near the punt.
Simon It’s sure to rain, anyhow.
Judith What your father will say I tremble to think. He needs complete quiet to finish off The Sinful Woman.
Sorel I see no reason for there to be any noise, unless Sandy What’s-his-name is given to shouting.
Judith If you’re rude to Sandy I shall be extremely angry.
Sorel Now, look here, Mother⁠—
Simon Why you should expect⁠—
Judith He’s coming all the way down specially to be nice to me⁠—
Enter David downstairs. He looks slightly irritable.
David Why are you all making such a noise?
Judith I think I’m going mad.
David Why hasn’t Clara brought me my tea?
Judith I don’t know.
David Where is Clara?
Judith Do stop firing questions at me, David.
David Why are you all so irritable? What’s happened?
Enter Clara, with a tray of tea for one.
Clara Here’s your tea. I’m sorry I’m late with it. Amy forgot to put the kettle on⁠—she’s got terrible toothache.
David Poor girl! Give her some oil of cloves.
Sorel If anyone else mentions oil of cloves, I shall do something desperate.
David It’s wonderful stuff. Where’s Zoe?
Simon She was in the garden this morning.
David I suppose no one thought of giving her any lunch?
Clara I put it down by the kitchen table as usual, but she never came in for it.
Sorel She’s probably mousing.
David She isn’t old enough yet. She might have fallen into the river, for all you care. I think it’s a shame!
Clara Don’t you worry your head⁠—Zoe won’t come to any harm; she’s too wily.
David I don’t want to be disturbed. He takes his tray and goes upstairs; then he turns. Listen, Simon. There’s a perfectly sweet flapper coming down by the four-thirty. Will you go and meet her and be nice to her? She’s an abject fool, but a useful type, and I want to study her a little in domestic surroundings. She can sleep in the Japanese room.
He goes off, leaving behind him a deathly silence.
Judith I should like someone to play something very beautiful to me on the piano.
Simon Damn everything! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Sorel Swearing doesn’t help.
Simon It helps me a lot.
Sorel What does Father mean by going on like that?
Judith In view of the imminent reception, you’d better go and shave, Simon.
Sorel Bursting into tears of rage. It’s perfectly beastly! Whenever I make any sort of plan about anything it’s always done in by someone. I wish I were earning my own living somewhere⁠—a free agent⁠—able to do whatever I liked without being cluttered up and frustrated by the family⁠—
Judith Picturesquely. It grieves me to hear you say that, Sorel.
Sorel Don’t be infuriating, Mother.
Judith Sadly. A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts!
Simon This is going to be the blackest Saturday till Monday we’ve ever spent.
Judith Tenderly. Sorel, you mustn’t cry.
Sorel Don’t sympathise with me; it’s only temper.
Judith Clasping her. Put your head on my shoulder, dear.
Simon Bitterly. Your head like the golden fleece.⁠ ⁠…
Sorel Richard’ll have to have “Little Hell” and that horrible flapper the Japanese room.
Judith Over my dead body!
Simon Mother, what are we to do?
Judith Drawing him forcibly into her arms so that there is a charming little motherly picture. We must all be very, very kind to everyone!
Simon Now then, Mother, none of that!
Judith Aggrieved. I don’t know what you mean, Simon.
Simon You were being beautiful and sad.
Judith But I am beautiful and sad.
Simon You’re not particularly beautiful, darling, and you never were.
Judith Glancing at herself in the glass. Never mind; I made thousands think I was.
Simon And as for being sad⁠—
Judith Now, Simon, I will not be dictated to like this. If I say I’m sad, I am sad. You don’t understand, because you’re precocious and tiresome.⁠ ⁠… There comes a time in all women’s lives⁠—
Sorel Oh dear!
Judith What did you say, Sorel?
Sorel Recovering. I said, “Oh dear!”
Judith Well, please don’t say it again, because it annoys me.
Sorel You’re such a lovely hypocrite.
Judith Casting up her eyes. I’m sure I don’t know what I’ve done to be cursed with such ungrateful children. It’s very cruel at my time of life⁠—
Simon There you go again!
Judith Inconsequently. You’re getting far too tall, Sorel.
Sorel Sorry, Mother.
Judith Give me another of those disgusting cigarettes⁠—I don’t know where they came from.
Simon Giving her one. Here. He lights it for her.
Judith I’m going to forget entirely about all these dreadful people arriving. My mind henceforward shall be a blank on the subject.
Sorel It’s all very fine, Mother, but⁠—
Judith I made a great decision this morning.
Simon What kind of decision?
Judith It’s a secret.
Sorel Aren’t you going to tell us?
Judith Of course. I meant it was a secret from your father.
Simon What is it?
Judith I’m going back to the stage.
Simon I knew it!
Judith I’m stagnating, you see. I won’t stagnate as long as there’s breath left in my body.
Sorel Do you think it’s wise? You retired so very finally last year. What excuse will you give for returning so soon?
Judith My public, dear⁠—letters from my public!
Simon Have you had any?
Judith One or two. That’s what decided me, really⁠—I ought to have had hundreds.
Sorel We’ll write some lovely ones, and you can publish them in the papers.
Judith Of course.
Sorel You will be dignified about it all, won’t you, darling?
Judith I’m much more dignified on the stage than in the country⁠—it’s my milieu. I’ve tried terribly hard to be “landed gentry,” but without any real success. I long for excitement and glamour. Think of the thrill of a first night; all those ardent playgoers willing one to succeed; the critics all leaning forward with glowing faces, receptive and exultant⁠—emitting queer little inarticulate noises as some witty line tickles their fancy. The satisfied grunt of the Daily Mail, the abandoned gurgle of the Sunday Times, and the shrill, enthusiastic scream of the Daily Express! I can distinguish them all⁠—
Simon Have you got a play?
Judith I think I shall revive Love’s Whirlwind.
Sorel Collapsing on to sofa. Oh, Mother! She gurgles with laughter.
Simon Weakly. Father will be furious.
Judith I can’t help that.
Sorel It’s such a fearful play.
Judith It’s a marvellous part. You mustn’t say too much against it, Sorel. I’m willing to laugh at it a little myself, but, after all, it was one of my greatest successes.
Simon Oh, it’s appalling⁠—but I love it. It makes me laugh.
Judith The public love it too, and it doesn’t make them laugh⁠—much. She recites. “You are a fool, a blind, pitiable fool. You think because you have bought my body that you have bought my soul!” You must say that’s dramatic.⁠—“I’ve dreamed of love like this, but I never realised, I never knew how beautiful it could be in reality!” That line always brought a tear to my eye.
Simon The second act is the best, there’s no doubt about that.
Judith From the moment Victor comes in it’s strong⁠—tremendously strong.⁠ ⁠… Be Victor a minute, Sorel⁠—
Sorel Do you mean when he comes in at the end of the act?
Judith Yes, you know⁠—“Is this a game?”
Sorel With feeling. “Is this a game?”
Judith With spirit. “Yes⁠—and a game that must be played to the finish.”
Simon “Zara, what does this mean?”
Judith “So many illusions shattered⁠—so many dreams trodden in the dust!”
Sorel I’m George now⁠—“I don’t understand! You and Victor⁠—My God!”
Judith “Sssh! Isn’t that little Pam crying?”
Simon Savagely. “She’ll cry more, poor mite, when she realises her mother is a⁠—”
Judith Shrieking. “Don’t say it⁠—don’t say it!”
Sorel “Spare her that.”
Judith “I’ve given you all that makes life worth living⁠—my youth, my womanhood, and now my child. Would you tear the very heart out of me? I tell you that it’s infamous that men like you should be allowed to pollute society. You have ruined my life⁠—I have nothing left⁠—nothing. God in heaven, where am I to turn for help.⁠ ⁠…”
Sorel Through clenched teeth. “Is this true? Answer me⁠—is this true?”
Judith Wailing. “Yes, yes!”
Sorel Springing at Simon. “You cur!”
The front door bell rings.
Judith Damn! There’s the bell.
Sorel Rushing to the glass. I look hideous!
Simon Yes, dear.
Clara enters.
Judith Clara⁠—before you open the door⁠—we shall be eight for dinner.
Clara My God!
Simon And for breakfast, lunch, tea, and dinner tomorrow.
Judith Vaguely. Will you get various rooms ready?
Clara I shall have to⁠—they can’t sleep in the passage.
Sorel How we’ve upset Clara.
Judith It can’t be helped⁠—nothing can be helped. It’s fate⁠—everything that happens is fate. That’s always a great comfort to me.
Clara More like arrant selfishness.
Judith You mustn’t be pert, Clara.
Clara Pert I may be, but I ’ave got some thought for others. Eight for dinner⁠—Amy going home early. It’s more nor less than an imposition.
The bell rings again.
Simon Hadn’t you better let them all in?
Clara goes to the front door and admits Sandy Tyrell, who is a fresh-looking young man; he has an unspoilt, youthful sense of honour and rather big hands, owing to a misplaced enthusiasm for amateur boxing. Clara goes out.
Sandy To Judith. I say, it’s perfectly ripping of you to let me come down.
Judith Are you alone?
Sandy Surprised. Yes.
Judith I mean, you didn’t meet anyone at the station?
Sandy I motored down; my car’s outside. Would you like me to meet anybody?
Judith Oh, no. I must introduce you. This is my daughter Sorel, and my son Simon.
Sandy Shaking hands. How-do-you-do.
Sorel Coldly. I’m extremely well, thank you, and I hope you are.
Simon So do I.
They both go upstairs rather grandly. Sandy looks shattered.
Judith You must forgive me for having rather peculiar children. Have you got a bag or anything?
Sandy Yes; it’s in the car.
Judith We’d better leave it there for the moment, as Clara has to get the tea. We’ll find you a room afterwards.
Sandy I’ve been looking forward to this most awfully.
Judith It is nice, isn’t it? You can see as far as Marlow on a clear day, they tell me.
Sandy I meant I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.
Judith How perfectly sweet of you. Would you like a drink?
Sandy No thanks. I’m in training.
Judith Sitting on sofa and motioning him to sit beside her. How lovely. What for?
Sandy I’m boxing again in a couple of weeks.
Judith I must come to your first night.
Sandy You look simply splendid.
Judith I’m so glad. You know, you mustn’t mind if Simon and Sorel insult you a little⁠—they’ve been very bad-tempered lately.
Sandy It’s awfully funny you having a grown-up son and daughter at all. I can hardly believe it.
Judith Quickly. I was married very young.
Sandy I don’t wonder. You know, it’s frightfully queer the way I’ve been planning to know you for ages, and I never did until last week.
Judith I liked you from the first, really, because you’re such a nice shape.
Sandy Slightly embarrassed. Oh, I see.⁠ ⁠…
Judith Small hips and lovely long legs⁠—I wish Simon had smaller hips. Do you think you could teach him to box?
Sandy Rather⁠—if he likes.
Judith That’s just the trouble⁠—I’m afraid he won’t like. He’s so dreadfully un⁠—that sort of thing. But never mind; you must use your influence subtly. I’m sure David would be pleased.
Sandy Who’s David?
Judith My husband.
Sandy Surprised. Oh!
Judith Why do you say “Oh” like that? Didn’t you know I had a husband?
Sandy I thought he was dead.
Judith No, he’s not dead; he’s upstairs.
Sandy You’re quite different from what you were the other day.
Judith It’s this garden hat⁠—I’ll take it off. She does so. There. I’ve been pruning the calceolarias.
Sandy Puzzled. Oh?⁠—
Judith I love my garden, you know⁠—it’s so peaceful and quaint. I spend long days dreaming away in it⁠—you know how one dreams.
Sandy Oh, yes.
Judith Warming up. I always longed to leave the brittle glamour of cities and theatres and find rest in some old-world nook. That’s why we came to Cookham.
Sandy It’s awfully nice⁠—Cookham.
Judith Have you ever seen me on the stage?
Sandy Rather!
Judith What in?
Sandy That thing when you pretended to cheat at cards to save your husband’s good name.
Judith Oh, The Bold Deceiver. That play was never quite right.
Sandy You were absolutely wonderful. That was when I first fell in love with you.
Judith Delighted. Was it, really?
Sandy Yes; you were so frightfully pathetic and brave.
Judith Basking. Was I?
Sandy Rather!
There is a pause.
Judith Well, go on.⁠ ⁠…
Sandy I feel such a fool, telling you what I think, as though it mattered.
Judith Of course it matters⁠—to me, anyhow.
Sandy Does it⁠—honestly?
Judith Certainly.
Sandy It seems too good to be true⁠—sitting here and talking as though we were old friends.
Judith We are old friends⁠—we probably met in another life. Reincarnation, you know⁠—fascinating!
Sandy You do say ripping things.
Judith Do I? Give me a cigarette and let’s put our feet up.
Sandy All right.
They settle themselves comfortably at opposite ends of the sofa, smoking.
Judith Can you punt?
Sandy Yes⁠—a bit.
Judith You must teach Simon⁠—he always gets the pole stuck.
Sandy I’d rather teach you.
Judith You’re so gallant and chivalrous⁠—much more like an American than an Englishman.
Sandy I should like to go on saying nice things to you forever.
Judith Giving him her hand. Sandy!
There comes a loud ring at the bell. Judith jumps.
There now!
Sandy Is anyone else coming to stay?
Judith Anyone else! You don’t know⁠—you just don’t know. Give me my hat.
Sandy Giving it to her. You said it would be quite quiet, with nobody at all.
Judith I was wrong. It’s going to be very noisy, with herds of angry people stamping about.
Clara enters and opens the front door. Myra Arundel is posed outside, consciously well-dressed, with several suitcases, and a tennis racquet.
Myra Advancing. Judith⁠—my⁠—dear⁠—this is divine!
Judith Emptily. Too, too lovely⁠—Where are the others?
Myra What others?
Clara goes out.
Judith Did you come by the four-thirty?
Myra Yes.
Judith Didn’t you see anyone at the station?
Myra Yes; several people, but I didn’t know they were coming here.
Judith Well, they are.
Myra Sorel said it was going to be just ourselves this weekend.
Judith Sharply. Sorel?
Myra Yes⁠—didn’t she tell you she’d asked me? Weren’t you expecting me?
Judith Simon muttered something about your coming, but Sorel didn’t mention it. Wasn’t that odd of her?
Myra You’re a divinely mad family. To Sandy. How-do-you-do? It’s useless to wait for introductions with the Blisses. My name’s Myra Arundel.
Judith Airily. Sandy Tyrell, Myra Arundel; Myra Arundel, Sandy Tyrell. There.
Myra Is that your car outside?
Sandy Yes.
Myra Well, Judith, I do think you might have told me someone was motoring down. A nice car would have been so much more comfortable than that beastly train.
Judith I never knew you were coming until a little while ago.
Myra It’s heavenly here⁠—after London. The heat was terrible when I left. You look awfully well, Judith. Rusticating obviously agrees with you.
Judith I’m glad you think so. Personally, I feel that a nervous breakdown is imminent.
Myra My dear, how ghastly! What’s the matter?
Judith Nothing’s the matter yet, Myra, but I have presentiments. Come upstairs, Sandy, and I’ll show you your room.
She begins to go upstairs, followed by Sandy. Then she turns.
I’ll send Simon down to you. He’s shaving, I think, but you won’t mind that, will you?

She goes off. Myra makes a slight grimace after her, then she helps herself to a cigarette and wanders about the hall⁠—she might almost play the piano a little; anyhow, she is perfectly at home.

Simon comes downstairs very fast, putting on his coat. He has apparently finished his toilet.

Simon Myra, this is marvellous! He tries to kiss her.
Myra Pushing him away. No, Simon dear; it’s too hot.
Simon You look beautifully cool.
Myra I’m more than cool really, but it’s not climatic coolness. I’ve been mentally chilled to the marrow by Judith’s attitude.
Simon Why, what did she say?
Myra Nothing very much. She was bouncing about on the sofa with a hearty young thing in flannels, and seemed to resent my appearance rather.
Simon You mustn’t take any notice of Mother.
Myra I’ll try not to, but it’s difficult.
Simon She adores you, really.
Myra I’m sure she does.
Simon She’s annoyed today because Father and Sorel have been asking people down without telling her.
Myra Poor dear! I quite see why.
Simon You look enchanting.
Myra Thank you, Simon.
Simon Are you pleased to see me?
Myra Of course. That’s why I came.
Simon Darling!
Myra Sssh! Don’t shout.
Simon I feel most colossally temperamental⁠—I should like to kiss you and kiss you and kiss you and break everything in the house and then jump into the river.
Myra Dear Simon!
Simon You’re everything I want you to be⁠—absolutely everything. Marvellous clothes, marvellous looks, marvellous brain⁠—Oh, God, it’s terrible.⁠ ⁠…
Myra I dined with Charlie Templeton last night.
Simon Well, you’re a devil. You only did it to annoy me. He’s far too plump, and he can’t do anything but dither about the Embassy in badly-cut trousers. You loathe him really; you know you do⁠—you’re too intelligent not to. You couldn’t like him and me at the same time⁠—it’s impossible!
Myra Don’t be so conceited.
Simon Darling⁠—I adore you.
Myra That’s right.
Simon But you’re callous⁠—that’s what it is, callous! You don’t care a damn. You don’t love me a bit, do you?
Myra Love’s a very big word, Simon.
Simon It isn’t⁠—it’s tiny. What are we to do?
Myra What do you mean?
Simon We can’t go on like this.
Myra I’m not going on like anything.
Simon Yes, you are; you’re going on like Medusa, and there are awful snakes popping their heads out at me from under your hat⁠—I shall be turned to stone in a minute, and then you’ll be sorry.
Myra Laughing. You’re very sweet, and I’m very fond of you.
Simon Tell me what you’ve been doing⁠—everything.
Myra Nothing.
Simon What did you do after you’d dined with Charlie Templeton?
Myra Supped with Charlie Templeton.
Simon Well, I don’t mind a bit. I hope you ate a lot and enjoyed yourself⁠—there!
Myra Generous boy! Come and kiss me.
Simon You’re only playing up to me now; you don’t really want to a bit.
Myra I’m aching for it.
Simon Kissing her violently. I love you.
Myra This weekend’s going to be strenuous.
Simon Hell upon earth⁠—fifteen million people in the house. We’ll get up at seven and rush away down the river.
Myra No, we won’t.
Simon Don’t let either of us agree to anything we say⁠—we’ll both be difficult. I love being difficult.
Myra You certainly do.
Simon But I’m in the most lovely mood now. Just seeing you makes me feel grand⁠—
Myra Is your father here?
Simon Yes; he’s working on a new novel.
Myra He writes brilliantly.
Simon Doesn’t he? He drinks too much tea, though.
Myra It can’t do him much harm, surely?
Simon It tans the stomach.
Myra Who is Sandy Tyrell?
Simon Never heard of him.
Myra He’s here, with Judith.
Simon Oh, that poor thing with hot hands! We’ll ignore him.
Myra I thought he looked rather nice.
Simon You must be mad. He looked disgusting.
Myra Laughing. Idiot!
Simon Flinging himself on the sofa. Smooth my hair with your soft white hands.
Myra Ruffling it. It’s got glue on it.
Simon Catching her hand and kissing it. You smell heavenly. What is it?
Myra Borgia of Rosine.
Simon How appropriate. He pulls her down and kisses her.
Myra Breaking away. You’re too demonstrative today, Simon.
The front door bell rings.
Simon Damn, damn! It’s those drearies.
Myra powders her nose as Clara crosses to open door. Richard Greatham and Jackie Coryton come in. There is, by this time, a good deal of luggage on the step. Richard is iron-grey and tall; Jackie is small and shingled, with an ingenuous manner which will lose its charm as she grows older.
Richard This is Mrs. Bliss’s house.
Clara Offhand. Oh, yes, this is it.
Richard Is Miss Sorel Bliss in?
Clara I expect so. I’ll see if I can find her. She goes upstairs, humming a tune.
Simon Hallo. Did you have a nice journey?
Richard Yes, thank you, very nice. I met Miss Coryton at the station. We introduced ourselves while we were waiting for the only taxi to come back.
Myra Oh, I took the only taxi. How maddening of me.
Richard Mrs. Arundel! How-do-you-do. I never recognised you.
They shake hands.
Jackie I did.
Myra Why? Have we met anywhere?
Jackie No; I mean I recognised you as the one who took the taxi.
Richard To Simon. You are Sorel’s brother?
Simon Yes; she’ll be down in a minute. Come out into the garden, Myra⁠—
Myra But, Simon, we can’t.⁠ ⁠…
Simon Grabbing her hand and dragging her off. Yes, we can. I shall go mad if I stay in the house a moment longer. Over his shoulder to Richard and Jackie. Tea will be here soon.
He and Myra go off.
Jackie Well!
Richard A strange young man.
Jackie Very rude, I think.
Richard Have you ever met him before?
Jackie No; I don’t know any of them except Mr. Bliss⁠—he’s a wonderful person.
Richard I wonder if he knows you’re here.
Jackie Perhaps that funny woman who opened the door will tell him.
Richard It was fortunate that we met at the station.
Jackie I’m frightfully glad. I should have been terrified arriving all by myself.
Richard I do hope the weather will keep good over Sunday⁠—the country round here is delightful.
Jackie Yes.
Richard There’s nowhere like England in the spring and summer.
Jackie No, there isn’t, is there?
Richard There’s a sort of quality you find in no other countries.
Jackie Have you travelled a lot?
Richard Modestly. A good deal.
Jackie How lovely.
There is a pause.
Richard Spain is very beautiful.
Jackie Yes, I’ve always heard Spain was awfully nice.
Richard Except for the bullfights. No one who ever really loved horses could enjoy a bullfight.
Jackie Nor anyone who loved bulls either.
Richard Exactly.
Jackie Italy’s awfully nice, isn’t it?
Richard Oh, yes, charming.
Jackie I’ve always wanted to go to Italy.
Richard Rome is a beautiful city.
Jackie Yes, I’ve always heard Rome was lovely.
Richard And Naples and Capri⁠—Capri’s enchanting.
Jackie It must be.
Richard Have you ever been abroad at all?
Jackie Oh, yes; I went to Dieppe once⁠—we had a house there for the summer.
Richard Kindly. Dear little place⁠—Dieppe.
Jackie Yes, it was lovely.
Judith comes downstairs, followed by Sandy, with his arms full of cushions. She motions him out into the garden, sits down and puts on her goloshes, and then follows him.
Jackie Well!
Richard Russia used to be a wonderful country before the war.
Jackie It must have been.⁠ ⁠… Was that her?
Richard Who?
Jackie Judith Bliss.
Richard Yes, I expect it was.
Jackie I wish I’d never come.
Richard You mustn’t worry. They’re a very Bohemian family, I believe.
Jackie I wonder if Mr. Bliss knows I’m here.
Richard I wonder.
Jackie Couldn’t we ring a bell, or anything?
Richard Yes, perhaps we’d better. He finds bell and presses it.
Jackie I don’t suppose it rings.
Richard You mustn’t be depressed.
Jackie I feel horrid.
Richard It’s always a little embarrassing coming to a strange house for the first time. You’ll like Sorel⁠—she’s charming.
Jackie Desperately. I wonder where she is.
Richard Consolingly. I expect tea will be here soon.
Jackie Do you think they have tea?
Richard Alarmed. Oh, yes⁠—they must.
Jackie Oh, well, we’d better go on waiting, then. She sits down.
Richard Do you mind if I smoke?
Jackie Not a bit.
Richard Will you?
Jackie No, thank you.
Richard Sitting down. I got this case in Japan. It’s pretty, isn’t it?
Jackie Awfully pretty.
They lapse into hopeless silence. Enter Sorel, downstairs.
Sorel Oh, Richard, I’m dreadfully sorry. I didn’t know you were here.
Richard We’ve been here a good while.
Sorel How awful! Please forgive me. I was upstairs.
Richard This is Miss Coryton.
Sorel Oh!
Jackie How-do-you-do.
Sorel Have you come to see Father?
Jackie Yes.
Sorel He’s in his study⁠—you’d better go up.
Jackie I don’t know the way.
Sorel Irritably. Oh, well⁠—I’ll take you. Come on. Wait a minute, Richard. She takes her to the top of the stairs. It’s along that passage, and the third door on the right.
Jackie Oh, thank you. She goes out despondently.
Sorel Coming down again. The poor girl looks half-witted.
Richard She’s shy, I think.
Sorel I hope Father will find her a comfort.
Richard Tell me one thing, Sorel, did your father and mother know I was coming?
Sorel Oh, yes; they were awfully pleased.
Richard A rather nice-looking woman came down, in a big hat, and went into the garden with a young man, without saying a word.
Sorel That was Mother, I expect. We’re an independent family⁠—we entertain our friends sort of separately.
Richard Oh, I see.
Sorel It was sweet of you to come.
Richard I wanted to come⁠—I’ve thought about you a lot.
Sorel Have you really? That’s thrilling.
Richard I mean it. You’re so alive and vital and different from other people.
Sorel I’m so frightened that you’ll be bored here.
Richard Why should I be?
Sorel Oh, I don’t know. But you won’t be, will you?⁠—or if you are, tell me at once, and we’ll do something quite different.
Richard You’re rather a dear, you know.
Sorel I’m not⁠—I’m devastating, entirely lacking in restraint. So’s Simon. It’s Father’s and Mother’s fault really; you see, they’re so vague⁠—they’ve spent their lives cultivating their Arts and not devoting any time to ordinary conventions and manners and things. I’m the only one who sees that, so I’m trying to be better. I’d love to be beautifully poised and carry off difficult situations with a lift of the eyebrows⁠—
Richard I’m sure you could carry off anything.
Sorel There you are, you see, saying the right thing! You always say the right thing, and no one knows a bit what you’re really thinking. That’s what I adore.
Richard I’m afraid to say anything now, in case you think I’m only being correct.
Sorel But you are correct. I wish you’d teach Simon to be correct too.
Richard It would be uphill work, I’m afraid.
Sorel Why, don’t you like him?
Richard I’ve only met him for a moment.
Sorel Would you like to see the garden?
Richard Very much indeed.
Sorel As a matter of fact, we’d better wait until after tea. Shall I sing you something?
Richard Please⁠—I should love it.
Sorel I don’t want to really a bit⁠—only I’m trying to entertain you. It’s as easy as pie to talk in someone else’s house, like at the dance the other night, but here on my own ground I’m finding it difficult.
Richard Puzzled. I’m sorry.
Sorel Oh, it isn’t your fault; honestly, it isn’t⁠—you’re awfully kind and responsive. What shall we do?
Richard I’m quite happy talking⁠—to you.
Sorel Can you play mah-jongg?
Richard No, I’m afraid I can’t.
Sorel I’m so glad⁠—I do hate it so.
Clara enters, with preparations for tea. Sorel sighs with relief.
Here’s tea.
Clara Where’s your mother, dear?
Sorel Out in the garden, I think.
Clara It’s starting to rain.
Sorel Oh, everyone will come dashing in, then. How awful!
Richard Won’t the luggage get rather wet, out there?
Sorel What luggage?
Clara I’ll bring it in when I’ve made the tea.
Richard Rising. Oh, don’t trouble; I’ll do it now.
Sorel We ought to have got William up from the village.
Clara It’s Saturday.
Sorel I know it is.
Clara He’s playing cricket.
Richard opens the front door and proceeds to bring the luggage in. Sorel rushes to help him.
Sorel Do sit down and smoke. I can easily manage it.
Richard Certainly not.
Sorel How typical of Myra to have so many bags.⁠ ⁠… Ooh!
She staggers with a suitcase. Richard goes to her assistance, and they both drop it.
There now!⁠—we’ve probably broken something.
Richard This is the last one.⁠ ⁠… He brings in a dressing-case, and wipes his hand on his handkerchief.
Sorel Do you know where to wash if you want to?
Richard No⁠—but I’m all right.

Reenter Clara, with tea and hot-water jug.

Simon and Myra come in from the garden.

Myra Hullo, Sorel, how are you?
Sorel I’m splendid. Do you know Mr. Greatham?
Myra Oh, yes; we’ve met several times.
Simon Come and sit down, Myra.
David and Jackie come downstairs.
David Is tea ready?
Sorel Yes; just.
David Simon, come and be nice to Miss Coryton.
Simon We’ve met already.
David That’s no reason for you not to be nice to her.
Myra Firmly. How-do-you-do.
David How-do-you-do. Are you staying here?
Myra I hope so.
David You must forgive me for being rather frowsy, but I’ve been working hard.
Sorel Father, this is Mr. Greatham.
David How are you? When did you arrive?
Richard This afternoon.
David Good. Have some tea. He begins to pour it out. Everyone had better put their own sugar and milk in, or we shall get muddled. Where’s your mother, Simon?
Simon She was last seen in the punt.
David How extraordinary! She can’t punt.
Sorel Sandy Tyrell’s with her.
David Oh, well, she’ll be all right then. Who is he?
Sorel I don’t know.
David Do sit down, everybody.
Enter Judith and Sandy from the garden.
Judith There’s going to be a thunderstorm. I felt sick this morning. This is Sandy Tyrell⁠—everybody⁠—
Richard Shaking hands. How-do-you-do.
Sorel Mother, I want you to meet Mr. Greatham.
Judith Oh, yes. You were here before, weren’t you?
Simon Before what, darling?
Judith Before I went out in the punt. There was somebody else here too⁠—a fair girl⁠—She sees Jackie. Oh, there you are. How-do-you-do. Sit down, Sandy, and eat anything you want. Give Sandy some bread-and-butter, Simon.
Everybody sits down.
Simon Ungraciously. Here you are.
Sandy Thanks.
There is a long pause; then Myra and Richard speak together.
Richard How far are you from Maidenhead exactly?
Myra What a pity it’s raining⁠—we might have had some tennis⁠—
They both stop, to let the other go on. There is another terrible silence.
Myra I adore the shape of this hall⁠—it’s so⁠—
Richard The train was awfully crowded coming down⁠—
They both stop again, and there is another dead silence, during which the curtain slowly falls.