The Inspector General

By Nikolai Gogol.

Translated by Thomas Seltzer.

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Dramatis Personae

Directions for Actors

The Governor.⁠—A man grown old in the service, by no means a fool in his own way. Though he takes bribes, he carries himself with dignity. He is of a rather serious turn and even given somewhat to ratiocination. He speaks in a voice neither too loud nor too low and says neither too much nor too little. Every word of his counts. He has the typical hard stern features of the official who has worked his way up from the lowest rank in the arduous government service. Coarse in his inclinations, he passes rapidly from fear to joy, from servility to arrogance. He is dressed in uniform with frogs and wears Hessian boots with spurs. His hair with a sprinkling of gray is close-cropped.

Anna Andreyevna.⁠—A provincial coquette, still this side of middle age, educated on novels and albums and on fussing with household affairs and servants. She is highly inquisitive and has streaks of vanity. Sometimes she gets the upper hand over her husband, and he gives in simply because at the moment he cannot find the right thing to say. Her ascendency, however, is confined to mere trifles and takes the form of lecturing and twitting. She changes her dress four times in the course of the play.

Khlestakov.⁠—A skinny young man of about twenty-three, rather stupid, being, as they say, “without a czar in his head,” one of those persons called an “empty vessel” in the government offices. He speaks and acts without stopping to think and utterly lacks the power of concentration. The words burst from his mouth unexpectedly. The more naivete and ingenousness the actor puts into the character the better will he sustain the role. Khlestakov is dressed in the latest fashion.

Osip.⁠—A typical middle-aged servant, grave in his address, with eyes always a bit lowered. He is argumentative and loves to read sermons directed at his master. His voice is usually monotonous. To his master his tone is blunt and sharp, with even a touch of rudeness. He is the cleverer of the two and grasps a situation more quickly. But he does not like to talk. He is a silent, uncommunicative rascal. He wears a shabby gray or blue coat.

Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky.⁠—Short little fellows, strikingly like each other. Both have small paunches, and talk rapidly, with emphatic gestures of their hands, features and bodies. Dobchinsky is slightly the taller and more subdued in manner. Bobchinsky is freer, easier and livelier. They are both exceedingly inquisitive.

Liapkin-Tiapkin.⁠—He has read four or five books and so is a bit of a freethinker. He is always seeing a hidden meaning in things and therefore puts weight into every word he utters. The actor should preserve an expression of importance throughout. He speaks in a bass voice, with a prolonged rattle and wheeze in his throat, like an old-fashioned clock, which buzzes before it strikes.

Zemlianika.⁠—Very fat, slow and awkward; but for all that a sly, cunning scoundrel. He is very obliging and officious.

Shpekin.⁠—Guileless to the point of simplemindedness. The other characters require no special explanation, as their originals can be met almost anywhere.

The actors should pay especial attention to the last scene. The last word uttered must strike all at once, suddenly, like an electric shock. The whole group should change its position at the same instant. The ladies must all burst into a simultaneous cry of astonishment, as if with one throat. The neglect of these directions may ruin the whole effect.

The Inspector General

Act I

A Room in the Governor’s House.

Scene I

Anton Antonovich, the Governor, Artemy Filippovich, the Superintendent of Charities, Luka Lukich, the Inspector of Schools, Ammos Fiodorovich, the Judge, Stepan Ilyich, Christian Ivanovich, the Doctor, and two Police Sergeants.

Governor I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector General is coming.
Ammos Fiodorovich What, an Inspector General?
Artemy Filippovich What, an Inspector General?
Governor Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with secret instructions, too.
Ammos A pretty how-do-you-do!
Artemy As if we hadn’t enough trouble without an Inspector!
Luka Lukich Good Lord! With secret instructions!
Governor I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept dreaming of two rats⁠—regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw the likes of them⁠—black and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed, and then went away.⁠—Here’s a letter I’ll read to you⁠—from Andrey Ivanovich. You know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he writes: “My dear friend, godfather and benefactor⁠—He mumbles, glancing rapidly down the page.⁠—and to let you know”⁠—Ah, that’s it⁠—“I hasten to let you know, among other things, that an official has arrived here with instructions to inspect the whole government, and your district especially. Raises his finger significantly. I have learned of his being here from highly trustworthy sources, though he pretends to be a private person. So, as you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else⁠—you are a sensible man, and you don’t let the good things that come your way slip by⁠—” Stopping. H’m, that’s his junk⁠—“I advise you to take precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if he hasn’t already, and is not staying somewhere incognito.⁠—Yesterday⁠—” The rest are family matters. “Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us with her husband. Ivan Krillovich has grown very fat and is always playing the fiddle”⁠—et cetera, et cetera. So there you have the situation we are confronted with, gentlemen.
Ammos An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! Something behind it, I am sure.
Luka But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? Why should we have an Inspector?
Governor It’s fate, I suppose. Sighs. Till now, thank goodness, they have been nosing about in other towns. Now our turn has come.
Ammos My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the cause is a deep one and rather political in character. It means this, that Russia⁠—yes⁠—that Russia intends to go to war, and the Government has secretly commissioned an official to find out if there is any treasonable activity anywhere.
Governor The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this little country town! As if it were on the frontier! Why, you might gallop three years away from here and reach nowhere.
Ammos No, you don’t catch on⁠—you don’t⁠—The Government is shrewd. It makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Government is on the lookout all the same⁠—
Governor Cutting him short. On the lookout, or not on the lookout, anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning. I have made some arrangements for myself, and I advise you to do the same. You especially, Artemy Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first of all to inspect your department. So you had better see to it that everything is in order, that the nightcaps are clean, and the patients don’t go about as they usually do, looking as grimy as blacksmiths.
Artemy Oh, that’s a small matter. We can get nightcaps easily enough.
Governor And over each bed you might hang up a placard stating in Latin or some other language⁠—that’s your end of it, Christian Ivanovich⁠—the name of the disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of the week and the month. And I don’t like your invalids to be smoking such strong tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you come in. It would be better, too, if there weren’t so many of them. If there are a large number, it will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent medical treatment.
Artemy Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he’d die anyway. If he gets well, he’d get well anyway. Besides, the doctor would have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn’t know a word of Russian.
The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between M and A.
Governor And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the courthouse. The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the petitioners usually wait into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking their beaks between people’s legs. Of course, setting up housekeeping is commendable, and there is no reason why a porter shouldn’t do it. Only, you see, the courthouse is not exactly the place for it. I had meant to tell you so before, but somehow it escaped my memory.
Ammos Well, I’ll have them all taken into the kitchen today. Will you come and dine with me?
Governor Then, too, it isn’t right to have the courtroom littered up with all sorts of rubbish⁠—to have a hunting-crop lying right among the papers on your desk. You’re fond of sport, I know, still it’s better to have the crop removed for the present. When the Inspector is gone, you may put it back again. As for your assessor, he’s an educated man, to be sure, but he reeks of spirits, as if he had just emerged from a distillery. That’s not right either. I had meant to tell you so long ago, but something or other drove the thing out of my mind. If his odor is really a congenital defect, as he says, then there are ways of remedying it. You might advise him to eat onion or garlic, or something of the sort. Christian Ivanovich can help him out with some of his nostrums.
The Doctor makes the same sound as before.
Ammos No, there’s no cure for it. He says his nurse struck him when he was a child, and ever since he has smelt of vodka.
Governor Well, I just wanted to call your attention to it. As regards the internal administration and what Andrey Ivanovich in his letter calls “little peccadilloes,” I have nothing to say. Why, of course, there isn’t a man living who hasn’t some sins to answer for. That’s the way God made the world, and the Voltairean freethinkers can talk against it all they like, it won’t do any good.
Ammos What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? There are sins and sins. I tell everyone plainly that I take bribes. I make no bones about it. But what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That’s quite a different matter.
Governor H’m. Bribes are bribes, whether puppies or anything else.
Ammos Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if one has a fur overcoat worth five hundred rubles, and one’s wife a shawl⁠—
Governor Testily. And supposing greyhound puppies are the only bribes you take? You’re an atheist, you never go to church, while I at least am a firm believer and go to church every Sunday. You⁠—oh, I know you. When you begin to talk about the Creation it makes my flesh creep.
Ammos Well, it’s a conclusion I’ve reasoned out with my own brain.
Governor Too much brain is sometimes worse than none at all.⁠—However, I merely mentioned the courthouse. I dare say nobody will ever look at it. It’s an enviable place. God Almighty Himself seems to watch over it. But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools, ought to have an eye on the teachers. They are very learned gentlemen, no doubt, with a college education, but they have funny habits⁠—inseparable from the profession, I know. One of them, for instance, the man with the fat face⁠—I forget his name⁠—is sure, the moment he takes his chair, to screw up his face like this. Imitates him. And then he has a trick of sticking his hand under his necktie and smoothing down his beard. It doesn’t matter, of course, if he makes a face at the pupils; perhaps it’s even necessary. I’m no judge of that. But you yourself will admit that if he does it to a visitor, it may turn out very badly. The Inspector, or anyone else, might take it as meant for himself, and then the deuce knows what might come of it.
Luka But what can I do? I have told him about it time and again. Only the other day when the marshal of the nobility came into the classroom, he made such a face at him as I had never in my life seen before. I dare say it was with the best intentions; But I get reprimanded for permitting radical ideas to be instilled in the minds of the young.
Governor And then I must call your attention to the history teacher. He has a lot of learning in his head and a store of facts. That’s evident. But he lectures with such ardor that he quite forgets himself. Once I listened to him. As long as he was talking about the Assyrians and Babylonians, it was not so bad. But when he reached Alexander of Macedon, I can’t describe what came over him. Upon my word, I thought a fire had broken out. He jumped down from the platform, picked up a chair and dashed it to the floor. Alexander of Macedon was a hero, it is true. But that’s no reason for breaking chairs. The state must bear the cost.
Luka Yes, he is a hot one. I have spoken to him about it several times. He only says: “As you please, but in the cause of learning I will even sacrifice my life.”
Governor Yes, it’s a mysterious law of fate. Your clever man is either a drunkard, or he makes such grimaces that you feel like running away.
Luka Ah, Heaven save us from being in the educational department! One’s afraid of everything. Everybody meddles and wants to show that he is as clever as you.
Governor Oh, that’s nothing. But this cursed incognito! All of a sudden he’ll look in: “Ah, so you’re here, my dear fellows! And who’s the judge here?” says he. “Liapkin-Tiapkin.” “Bring Liapkin-Tiapkin here.⁠—And who is the Superintendent of Charities?” “Zemlianika.”⁠—“Bring Zemlianika here!”⁠—That’s what’s bad.

Scene II

Enter Ivan Kuzmich, the Postmaster.

Postmaster Tell me, gentlemen, who’s coming? What chinovnik?
Governor What, haven’t you heard?
Postmaster Bobchinsky told me. He was at the post office just now.
Governor Well, what do you think of it?
Postmaster What do I think of it? Why, there’ll be a war with the Turks.
Ammos Exactly. Just what I thought.
Governor Sarcastically. Yes, you’ve both hit in the air precisely.
Postmaster It’s war with the Turks for sure, all fomented by the French.
Governor Nonsense! War with the Turks indeed. It’s we who are going to get it, not the Turks. You may count on that. Here’s a letter to prove it.
Postmaster In that case, then, we won’t go to war with the Turks.
Governor Well, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich?
Postmaster How do I feel? How do you feel about it, Anton Antonovich?
Governor I? Well, I’m not afraid, but I just feel a little⁠—you know⁠—The merchants and townspeople bother me. I seem to be unpopular with them. But the Lord knows if I’ve taken from some I’ve done it without a trace of ill-feeling. I even suspect⁠—Takes him by the arm and walks aside with him.⁠—I even suspect that I may have been denounced. Or why would they send an Inspector to us? Look here, Ivan Kuzmich, don’t you think you could⁠—ahem!⁠—just open a little every letter that passes through your office and read it⁠—for the common benefit of us all, you know⁠—to see if it contains any kind of information against me, or is only ordinary correspondence. If it is all right, you can seal it up again, or simply deliver the letter opened.
Postmaster Oh, I know. You needn’t teach me that. I do it not so much as a precaution as out of curiosity. I just itch to know what’s doing in the world. And it’s very interesting reading, I tell you. Some letters are fascinating⁠—parts of them written grand⁠—more edifying than the Moscow Gazette.
Governor Tell me, then, have you read anything about any official from St. Petersburg?
Postmaster No, nothing about a St. Petersburg official, but plenty about Kostroma and Saratov ones. A pity you don’t read the letters. There are some very fine passages in them. For instance, not long ago a lieutenant writes to a friend describing a ball very wittily.⁠—Splendid! “Dear friend,” he says, “I live in the regions of the Empyrean, lots of girls, bands playing, flags flying.” He’s put a lot of feeling into his description, a whole lot. I’ve kept the letter on purpose. Would you like to read it?
Governor No, this is no time for such things. But please, Ivan Kuzmich, do me the favor, if ever you chance upon a complaint or denunciation, don’t hesitate a moment, hold it back.
Postmaster I will, with the greatest pleasure.
Ammos You had better be careful. You may get yourself into trouble.
Postmaster Goodness me!
Governor Never mind, never mind. Of course, it would be different if you published it broadcast. But it’s a private affair, just between us.
Ammos Yes, it’s a bad business⁠—I really came here to make you a present of a puppy, sister to the dog you know about. I suppose you have heard that Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky have started a suit. So now I live in clover. I hunt hares first on the one’s estate, then on the other’s.
Governor I don’t care about your hares now, my good friend. That cursed incognito is on my brain. Any moment the door may open and in walk⁠—

Scene III

Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, out of breath.

Bobchinsky What an extraordinary occurrence!
Dobchinsky An unexpected piece of news!
All What is it? What is it?
Dobchinsky Something quite unforeseen. We were about to enter the inn⁠—
Bobchinsky Interrupting. Yes, Piotr Ivanovich and I were entering the inn⁠—
Dobchinsky Interrupting. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, let me tell.
Bobchinsky No, please, let me⁠—let me. You can’t. You haven’t got the style for it.
Dobchinsky Oh, but you’ll get mixed up and won’t remember everything.
Bobchinsky Yes, I will, upon my word, I will. Please don’t interrupt! Do let me tell the news⁠—don’t interrupt! Pray, oblige me, gentlemen, and tell Dobchinsky not to interrupt.
Governor Speak, for Heaven’s sake! What is it? My heart is in my mouth! Sit down, gentlemen, take seats. Piotr Ivanovich, here’s a chair for you. All seat themselves around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky. Well, now, what is it? What is it?
Bobchinsky Permit me, permit me. I’ll tell it all just as it happened. As soon as I had the pleasure of taking leave of you after you were good enough to be bothered with the letter which you had received, sir, I ran out⁠—now, please don’t keep interrupting, Dobchinsky. I know all about it, all, I tell you.⁠—So I ran out to see Korobkin. But not finding Korobkin at home, I went off to Rastakovsky, and not seeing him, I went to Ivan Kuzmich to tell him of the news you’d got. Going on from there I met Dobchinsky⁠—
Dobchinsky Interjecting. At the stall where they sell pies⁠—
Bobchinsky At the stall where they sell pies. Well, I met Dobchinsky and I said to him: “Have you heard the news that came to Anton Antonovich in a letter which is absolutely reliable?” But Piotr Ivanovich had already heard of it from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who, I don’t know why, had been sent to Filipp Antonovich Pachechuyev⁠—
Dobchinsky Interrupting. To get a little keg for French brandy.
Bobchinsky Yes, to get a little keg for French brandy. So then I went with Dobchinsky to Pachechuyev’s.⁠—Will you stop, Piotr Ivanovich? Please don’t interrupt.⁠—So off we went to Pachechuyev’s, and on the way Dobchinsky said: “Let’s go to the inn,” he said. “I haven’t eaten a thing since morning. My stomach is growling.” Yes, sir, his stomach was growling. “They’ve just got in a supply of fresh salmon at the inn,” he said. “Let’s take a bite.” We had hardly entered the inn when we saw a young man⁠—
Dobchinsky Interrupting. Of rather good appearance and dressed in ordinary citizen’s clothes.
Bobchinsky Yes, of rather good appearance and dressed in citizen’s clothes⁠—walking up and down the room. There was something out of the usual about his face, you know, something deep⁠—and a manner about him⁠—and here raises his hand to his forehead and turns it around several times full, full of everything. I had a sort of feeling, and I said to Dobchinsky, “Something’s up. This is no ordinary matter.” Yes, and Dobchinsky beckoned to the landlord, Vlas, the innkeeper, you know⁠—three weeks ago his wife presented him with a baby⁠—a bouncer⁠—he’ll grow up just like his father and keep a tavern.⁠—Well, we beckoned to Vlas, and Dobchinsky asked him on the quiet, “Who,” he asked, “is that young man?” “That young man,” Vlas replied, “that young man”⁠—Oh, don’t interrupt, Piotr Ivanovich, please don’t interrupt. You can’t tell the story. Upon my word, you can’t. You lisp and one tooth in your mouth makes you whistle. I know what I’m saying. “That young man,” he said, “is an official.”⁠—Yes, sir.⁠—“On his way from St. Petersburg. And his name,” he said, “is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, and he’s going,” he said “to the government of Saratov,” he said. “And he acts so queerly. It’s the second week he’s been here and he’s never left the house; and he won’t pay a penny, takes everything on account.” When Vlas told me that, a light dawned on me from above, and I said to Piotr Ivanovich, “Hey!”⁠—
Dobchinsky No, Piotr Ivanovich, I said “Hey!”
Bobchinsky Well first you said it, then I did. “Hey!” said both of us, “And why does he stick here if he’s going to Saratov?”⁠—Yes, sir, that’s he, the official.
Governor Who? What official?
Bobchinsky Why, the official who you were notified was coming, the Inspector.
Governor Terrified. Great God! What’s that you’re saying. It can’t be he.
Dobchinsky It is, though. Why, he doesn’t pay his bills and he doesn’t leave. Who else can it be? And his postchaise is ordered for Saratov.
Bobchinsky It’s he, it’s he, it’s he⁠—why, he’s so alert, he scrutinized everything. He saw that Dobchinsky and I were eating salmon⁠—chiefly on account of Dobchinsky’s stomach⁠—and he looked at our plates so hard that I was frightened to death.
Governor The Lord have mercy on us sinners! In what room is he staying?
Dobchinsky Room number 5 near the stairway.
Bobchinsky In the same room that the officers quarreled in when they passed through here last year.
Governor How long has he been here?
Dobchinsky Two weeks. He came on St. Vasili’s day.
Governor Two weeks! Aside. Holy Fathers and saints preserve me! In those two weeks I have flogged the wife of a noncommissioned officer, the prisoners were not given their rations, the streets are dirty as a pothouse⁠—a scandal, a disgrace! Clutches his head with both hands.
Artemy What do you think, Anton Antonovich, hadn’t we better go in state to the inn?
Ammos No, no. First send the chief magistrate, then the clergy, then the merchants. That’s what it says in the book. The Acts of John the Freemason.
Governor No, no, leave it to me. I have been in difficult situations before now. They have passed off all right, and I was even rewarded with thanks. Maybe the Lord will help us out this time, too. Turns to Bobchinsky. You say he’s a young man?
Bobchinsky Yes, about twenty-three or four at the most.
Governor So much the better. It’s easier to pump things out of a young man. It’s tough if you’ve got a hardened old devil to deal with. But a young man is all on the surface. You, gentlemen, had better see to your end of things while I go unofficially, by myself, or with Dobchinsky here, as though for a walk, to see that the visitors that come to town are properly accommodated. Here, Svistunov. To one of the Sergeants.
Svistunov Sir.
Governor Go instantly to the Police Captain⁠—or, no, I’ll want you. Tell somebody to send him here as quickly as possibly and then come back.
Svistunov hurries off.
Artemy Let’s go, let’s go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We may really get into trouble.
Ammos What have you got to be afraid of? Put clean nightcaps on the patients and the thing’s done.
Artemy Nightcaps! Nonsense! The patients were ordered to have oatmeal soup. Instead of that there’s such a smell of cabbage in all the corridors that you’ve got to hold your nose.
Ammos Well, my mind’s at ease. Who’s going to visit the court? Supposing he does look at the papers, he’ll wish he had left them alone. I have been on the bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a report, I despair. King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell what is true and what is not true in it.
The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and Postmaster go out and bump up against the Sergeant in the doorway as the latter returns.

Scene IV

The Governor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky, and Sergeant Svistunov.

Governor Well, is the cab ready?
Svistunov Yes, sir.
Governor Go out on the street⁠—or, no, stop⁠—go and bring⁠—why, where are the others? Why are you alone? Didn’t I give orders for Prokhorov to be here? Where is Prokhorov?
Svistunov Prokhorov is in somebody’s house and can’t go on duty just now.
Governor Why so?
Svistunov Well, they brought him back this morning dead drunk. They poured two buckets of water over him, but he hasn’t sobered up yet.
Governor Clutching his head with both hands. For Heaven’s sake! Go out on duty quick⁠—or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, To Dobchinsky. come.
Bobchinsky And me⁠—me, too. Let me come, too, Anton Antonovich.
Governor No, no, Bobchinsky, it won’t do. Besides there is not enough room in the cab.
Bobchinsky Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll follow the cab on foot⁠—on foot. I just want to peep through a crack⁠—so⁠—to see that manner of his⁠—how he acts.
Governor Turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword. Be off and get the policemen together. Let them each take a⁠—there, see how scratched my sword is. It’s that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the Governor’s sword is old and doesn’t provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers! I’ll bet they’ve got their petitions against me ready in their coattail pockets.⁠—Let each take a street in his hand⁠—I don’t mean a street⁠—a broom⁠—and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it clean, and⁠—do you hear? And see here, I know you, I know your tricks. You insinuate yourselves into the inn and walk off with silver spoons in your boots. Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole piece. Take care. You’re only a Sergeant. Don’t graft higher than your rank. Off with you.

Scene V

Enter the Police Captain.

Governor Hello, Stepan Ilyich, where the dickens have you been keeping yourself? What do you mean by acting that way?
Captain Why, I was just outside the gate.
Governor Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official has come from St. Petersburg. What have you done about it?
Captain What you told me to. I sent Sergeant Pugovichyn with policemen to clean the street.
Governor Where is Derzhimorda?
Captain He has gone off on the fire engine.
Governor And Prokhorov is drunk?
Captain Yes.
Governor How could you allow him to get drunk?
Captain God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the town. He went to restore order and was brought back drunk.
Governor Well, then, this is what you are to do.⁠—Sergeant Pugovichyn⁠—he is tall. So he is to stand on duty on the bridge for appearance’ sake. Then the old fence near the bootmaker’s must be pulled down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look like grading. The more debris there is the more it will show the governor’s activity.⁠—Good God, though, I forgot that about forty cartloads of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. What a vile, filthy town this is! A monument, or even only a fence, is erected, and instantly they bring a lot of dirt together, from the devil knows where, and dump it there. Heaves a sigh. And if the functionary that has come here asks any of the officials whether they are satisfied, they are to say, “Perfectly satisfied, your Honor;” and if anybody is not satisfied, I’ll give him something to be dissatisfied about afterwards.⁠—Ah, I’m a sinner, a terrible sinner. Takes the hatbox, instead of his hat. Heaven only grant that I may soon get this matter over and done with; then I’ll donate a candle such as has never been offered before. I’ll levy a hundred pounds of wax from every damned merchant. Oh my, oh my! Come, let’s go, Piotr Ivanovich. Tries to put the hatbox on his head instead of his hat.
Captain Anton Antonovich, that’s the hatbox, not your hat.
Governor Throwing the box down. If it’s the hatbox, it’s the hatbox, the deuce take it!⁠—And if he asks why the church at the hospital for which the money was appropriated five years ago has not been built, don’t let them forget to say that the building was begun but was destroyed by fire. I sent in a report about it, you know. Some blamed fool might forget and let out that the building was never even begun. And tell Derzhimorda not to be so free with his fists. Guilty or innocent, he makes them all see stars in the cause of public order.⁠—Come on, come on, Dobchinsky. Goes out and returns. And don’t let the soldiers appear on the streets with nothing on. That rotten garrison wear their coats directly over their undershirts.
All go out.

Scene VI

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna rush in on the stage.

Anna Where are they? Where are they? Oh, my God! Opening the door. Husband! Antosha! Anton! Hurriedly, to Marya. It’s all your fault. Dawdling! Dawdling!⁠—“I want a pin⁠—I want a scarf.” Runs to the window and calls. Anton, where are you going? Where are you going? What! He has come? The Inspector? He has a moustache? What kind of a moustache?
Governor From without. Wait, dear. Later.
Anna Wait? I don’t want to wait. The idea, wait! I only want one word. Is he a colonel or what? Eh? Disgusted. There, he’s gone! You’ll pay for it! It’s all your fault⁠—you, with your “Mamma, dear, wait a moment, I’ll just pin my scarf. I’ll come directly.” Yes, directly! Now we have missed the news. It’s all your confounded coquettishness. You heard the Postmaster was here and so you must prink and prim yourself in front of the mirror⁠—look on this side and that side and all around. You imagine he’s smitten with you. But I can tell you he makes a face at you the moment you turn your back.
Marya It can’t be helped, mamma. We’ll know everything in a couple of hours anyway.
Anna In a couple of hours! Thank you! A nice answer. Why don’t you say, in a month. We’ll know still more in a month. She leans out of the window. Here, Avdotya! I say! Have you heard whether anybody has come, Avdotya?⁠—No, you goose, you didn’t⁠—He waved his hands? Well, what of it? Let him wave his hands. But you should have asked him anyhow. You couldn’t find out, of course, with your head full of nonsense and lovers. Eh, what? They left in a hurry? Well, you should have run after the carriage. Off with you, off with you at once, do you hear? Run and ask everybody where they are. Be sure and find out who the newcomer is and what he is like, do you hear? Peep through a crack and find everything out⁠—what sort of eyes he has, whether they are black or blue, and be back here instantly, this minute, do you hear? Quick, quick, quick!
She keeps on calling and they both stand at the window until the curtain drops.

Act II

A small room in the inn, bed, table, travelling bag, empty bottle, boots, clothes brush, etc.

Scene I

Osip Lying on his master’s bed. The devil take it! I’m so hungry. There’s a racket in my belly, as if a whole regiment were blowing trumpets. We’ll never reach home. I’d like to know what we are going to do. Two months already since we left St. Pete. He’s gone through all his cash, the precious buck, so now he sticks here with his tail between his legs and takes it easy. We’d have had enough and more than enough to pay for the fare, but no he must exhibit himself in every town. Imitates him. “Osip, get me the best room to be had and order the best dinner they serve. I can’t stand bad food. I must have the best.” It would be all right for a somebody, but for a common copying clerk! Goes and gets acquainted with the other travellers, plays cards, and plays himself out of his last penny. Oh, I’m sick of this life. It’s better in our village, really. There isn’t so much going on, but then there is less to bother about. You get yourself a wife and lie on the stove all the time and eat pie. Of course, if you wanted to tell the truth, there’s no denying it that there’s nothing like living in St. Pete. All you want is money. And then you can live smart and classy⁠—theeadres, dogs to dance for you, everything, and everybody talks so genteel, pretty near like in high society. If you go to the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers cry, “Gentlemen,” at you. You sit with the officials in the ferry boat. If you want company, you go into a shop. A sport there will tell you about life in the barracks and explain the meaning of every star in the sky, so that you see them all as if you held them in your hand. Then an old officer’s wife will gossip, or a pretty chambermaid will dart a look at you⁠—ta, ta, ta! Smirks and wags his head. And what deucedly civil manners they have, too. You never hear no impolite language. They always say “Mister” to you. If you are tired of walking, why you take a cab and sit in it like a lord. And if you don’t feel like paying, then you don’t. Every house has an openwork gate and you can slip through and the devil himself won’t catch you. There’s one bad thing, though; sometimes you get first class eats and sometimes you’re so starved you nearly drop⁠—like now. It’s all his fault. What can you do with him? His dad sends him money to keep him going, but the devil a lot it does. He goes off on a spree, rides in cabs, gets me to buy a theeadre ticket for him every day, and in a week look at him⁠—sends me to the old clo’es man to sell his new dress coat. Sometimes he gets rid of everything down to his last shirt and is left with nothing except his coat and overcoat. Upon my word, it’s the truth. And such fine cloth, too. English, you know. One dress coat costs him a hundred and fifty rubles and he sells it to the old clo’es man for twenty. No use saying nothing about his pants. They go for a song. And why? Because he doesn’t tend to his business. Instead of sticking to his job, he gads about on the Prospect and plays cards. Ah, if the old gentleman only knew it! He wouldn’t care that you are an official. He’d lift up your little shirtie and would lay it on so that you’d go about rubbing yourself for a week. If you have a job, stick to it. Here’s the innkeeper says he won’t let you have anything to eat unless you pay your back bills. Well, and suppose we don’t pay. Sighing. Oh, good God! If only I could get cabbage soup. I think I could eat up the whole world now. There’s a knock at the door. I suppose it’s him. Rises from the bed hastily.

Scene II

Osip and Khlestakov.

Khlestakov Here! Hands him his cap and cane. What, been warming the bed again!
Osip Why should I have been warming the bed? Have I never seen a bed before?
Khlestakov You’re lying. The bed’s all tumbled up.
Osip What do I want a bed for? Don’t I know what a bed is like? I have legs and can use them to stand on. I don’t need your bed.
Khlestakov Walking up and down the room. Go see if there isn’t some tobacco in the pouch.
Osip What tobacco? You emptied it out four days ago.
Khlestakov Pacing the room and twisting his lips. Finally he says in a loud resolute voice. Listen⁠—a⁠—Osip.
Osip Yes, sir?
Khlestakov In a voice just as loud, but not quite so resolute. Go down there.
Osip Where?
Khlestakov In a voice not at all resolute, nor loud, but almost in entreaty. Down to the restaurant⁠—tell them⁠—to send up dinner.
Osip No, I won’t.
Khlestakov How dare you, you fool!
Osip It won’t do any good, anyhow. The landlord said he won’t let you have anything more to eat.
Khlestakov How dare he! What nonsense is this?
Osip He’ll go to the Governor, too, he says. It’s two weeks now since you’ve paid him, he says. You and your master are cheats, he says, and your master is a blackleg besides, he says. We know the breed. We’ve seen swindlers like him before.
Khlestakov And you’re delighted, I suppose, to repeat all this to me, you donkey.
Osip “Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and lives here,” he says, “and runs up debts so that you can’t even put him out. I’m not going to fool about it,” he says, “I’m going straight to the Governor and have him arrested and put in jail.”
Khlestakov That’ll do now, you fool. Go down at once and tell him to have dinner sent up. The coarse brute! The idea!
Osip Hadn’t I better call the landlord here?
Khlestakov What do I want the landlord for? Go and tell him yourself.
Osip But really, master⁠—
Khlestakov Well, go, the deuce take you. Call the landlord.
Osip goes out.

Scene III

Khlestakov Alone. I am so ravenously hungry. I took a little stroll thinking I could walk off my appetite. But, hang it, it clings. If I hadn’t dissipated so in Penza I’d have had enough money to get home with. The infantry captain did me up all right. Wonderful the way the scoundrel cut the cards! It didn’t take more than a quarter of an hour for him to clean me out of my last penny. And yet I would give anything to have another set-to with him. Only I never will have the chance.⁠—What a rotten town this is! You can’t get anything on credit in the grocery shops here. It’s deucedly mean, it is. He whistles, first an air from Robert le Diable, then a popular song, then a blend of the two. No one’s coming.

Scene IV

Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant.

Servant The landlord sent me up to ask what you want.
Khlestakov Ah, how do you do, brother! How are you? How are you?
Servant All right, thank you.
Khlestakov And how are you getting on in the inn? Is business good?
Servant Yes, business is all right, thank you.
Khlestakov Many guests?
Servant Plenty.
Khlestakov See here, good friend. They haven’t sent me dinner yet. Please hurry them up! See that I get it as soon as possible. I have some business to attend to immediately after dinner.
Servant The landlord said he won’t let you have anything any more. He was all for going to the Governor today and making a complaint against you.
Khlestakov What’s there to complain about? Judge for yourself, friend. Why, I’ve got to eat. If I go on like this I’ll turn into a skeleton. I’m hungry, I’m not joking.
Servant Yes, sir, that’s what he said. “I won’t let him have no dinner,” he said, “till he pays for what he has already had.” That was his answer.
Khlestakov Try to persuade him.
Servant But what shall I tell him?
Khlestakov Explain that it’s a serious matter, I’ve got to eat. As for the money, of course⁠—He thinks that because a muzhik like him can go without food a whole day others can too. The idea!
Servant Well, all right. I’ll tell him.
The Servant and Osip go out.

Scene V

Khlestakov alone.

Khlestakov A bad business if he refuses to let me have anything. I’m so hungry. I’ve never been so hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise something on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? No, I’d rather starve than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It’s a shame Joachim wouldn’t let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great to ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochère of one of the neighbors with lamps lighted and Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir it would have created. “Who is it? What’s that?” Then my footman walks in draws himself up and imitates and announces: “Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you receive him?” Those country lubbers don’t even know what it means to “receive.” If any lout of a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks straight into the drawing-room like a bear. Then you step up to one of their pretty girls and say: “Dee-lighted, madam.” Rubs his hands and bows. Phew! Spits. I feel positively sick, I’m so hungry.

Scene VI

Khlestakov, Osip, and later the Servant.

Khlestakov Well?
Osip They’re bringing dinner.
Khlestakov Claps his hands and wriggles in his chair. Dinner, dinner, dinner!
Servant With plates and napkin. This is the last time the landlord will let you have dinner.
Khlestakov The landlord, the landlord! I spit on your landlord. What have you got there?
Servant Soup and roast beef.
Khlestakov What! Only two courses?
Servant That’s all.
Khlestakov Nonsense! I won’t take it. What does he mean by that? Ask him. It’s not enough.
Servant The landlord says it’s too much.
Khlestakov Why is there no sauce?
Servant There is none.
Khlestakov Why not? I saw them preparing a whole lot when I passed through the kitchen. And in the dining-room this morning two short little men were eating salmon and lots of other things.
Servant Well, you see, there is some and there isn’t.
Khlestakov Why “isn’t”?
Servant Because there isn’t any.
Khlestakov What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?
Servant Only for the better kind of folk.
Khlestakov You’re a fool.
Servant Yes, sir.
Khlestakov You measly suckling pig. Why can they eat and I not? Why the devil can’t I eat, too? Am I not a guest the same as they?
Servant No, not the same. That’s plain.
Khlestakov How so?
Servant That’s easy. They pay, that’s it.
Khlestakov I’m not going to argue with you, simpleton! Ladles out the soup and begins to eat. What, you call that soup? Simply hot water poured into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I don’t want it. Bring me some other soup.
Servant All right. I’ll take it away. The boss said if you didn’t want it, you needn’t take it.
Khlestakov Putting his hand over the dishes. Well, well, leave it alone, you fool. You may be used to treat other people this way, but I’m not that sort. I advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup! Goes on eating. I don’t think anybody in the world tasted such soup. Feathers floating on the top instead of butter. Cuts the piece of chicken in the soup. Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!⁠—Give me the roast beef. There’s a little soup left, Osip. Take it. Cuts the meat. What sort of roast beef is this? This isn’t roast beef.
Servant What else is it?
Khlestakov The devil knows, but it isn’t roast beef. It’s roast iron, not roast beef. Eats. Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it. Picks his teeth with his fingers. Villains! It’s as tough as the bark of a tree. I can’t pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such meat is enough to ruin one’s teeth. Crooks! Wipes his mouth with the napkin. Is there nothing else?
Servant No.
Khlestakov Scoundrels! Blackguards! They might have given some decent pastry, or something, the lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests! That’s all they’re good for.
The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out accompanied by Osip.

Scene VII

Khlestakov alone.

Khlestakov It’s just as if I had eaten nothing at all, upon my word. It has only whetted my appetite. If I only had some change to send to the market and buy some bread.
Osip Entering. The Governor has come, I don’t know what for. He’s inquiring about you.
Khlestakov In alarm. There now! That innkeeper has gone and made a complaint against me. Suppose he really claps me into jail? Well! If he does it in a gentlemanly way, I may⁠—No, no, I won’t. The officers and the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and the merchant’s daughter and I flirted. No, I won’t. And pray, who is he? How dare he, actually? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I’ll tell him straight out, “How dare you? How⁠—”
The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and shrinks back.

Scene VIII

Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

Governor Recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion. I have come to present my compliments, sir.
Khlestakov Bows. How do you do, sir?
Governor Excuse my intruding.
Khlestakov Pray don’t mention it.
Governor It’s my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.
Khlestakov A little halting at first, but toward the end in a loud, firm voice. Well⁠—what was⁠—to be⁠—done? It’s not⁠—my fault. I’m⁠—really going to pay. They will send me money from home. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door. He’s most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a board and the soup⁠—the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so peculiar⁠—it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I⁠—The idea!
Governor Scared. Excuse me! I assure you, it’s not my fault. I always have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they are sober, well-behaved people. I’m sure I don’t know where he gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you to another place?
Khlestakov No, I thank you. I don’t care to leave. I know what the other place is⁠—the jail. What right have you, I should like to know⁠—how dare you?⁠—Why, I’m in the government service at St. Petersburg. Puts on a bold front. I⁠—I⁠—I⁠—
Governor Aside. My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything. Those damned merchants have told him everything.
Khlestakov With bravado. I won’t go even if you come here with your whole force. I’ll go straight to the minister. Bangs his fist on the table. What do you mean? What do you mean?
Governor Drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over. Have pity on me. Don’t ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don’t bring misfortune on a man.
Khlestakov No, I won’t go. What’s that got to do with me? Must I go to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great! Bobchinsky looks in at the door and disappears in terror. No, much obliged to you. I will not go.
Governor Trembling. It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself. The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken bribes, they were mere trifles⁠—something for the table, or a coat or two. As for the officer’s widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she’s in business now, and it’s a slander, it’s a slander that I beat her. Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me. That’s the kind of people they are.
Khlestakov Well. I’ve nothing to do with them. Reflecting. I don’t see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or officer’s widow. An officer’s widow is quite a different matter.⁠—But don’t you dare to beat me. You can’t do it to me⁠—no, sir, you can’t. The idea! Look at him! I’ll pay, I’ll pay the money. Just now I’m out of cash. That’s why I stay here⁠—because I haven’t a single kopek.
Governor Aside. Oh, he’s a shrewd one. So that’s what he’s aiming at? He’s raised such a cloud of dust you can’t tell what direction he’s going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn’t know where to begin. But I will try. Come what may, I’ll try⁠—hit or miss. Aloud. H’m, if you really are in want of money, I’m ready to serve you. It is my duty to assist strangers in town.
Khlestakov Lend me some, lend me some. Then I’ll settle up immediately with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.
Governor There’s just two hundred rubles. Giving him the money. Don’t bother to count it.
Khlestakov Taking it. Very much obliged to you. I’ll send it back to you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without⁠—H’m⁠—I see you are a gentleman. Now it’s all different.
Governor Aside. Well, thank the Lord, he’s taken the money. Now I suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead of two into his hand.
Khlestakov Ho, Osip! Osip enters. Tell the servant to come. To the Governor and Dobchinsky. Please be seated. To Dobchinsky. Please take a seat, I beg of you.
Governor Don’t trouble. We can stand.
Khlestakov But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how openhearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to put me in⁠—To Dobchinsky. Do take a chair.
The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door and listens.
Governor Aside. I must be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We’ll pretend we haven’t the least idea who he is. Aloud. I was going about in the performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here⁠—he’s a landed proprietor here⁠—and we came to the inn to see whether the guests are properly accommodated⁠—because I’m not like other governors, who don’t care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance.
Khlestakov I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, I confess, I should have had to stay here a long time. I didn’t know how in the world to pay my bill.
Governor Aside. Oh, yes, fib on.⁠—Didn’t know how to pay his bill! May I ask where your Honor is going?
Khlestakov I’m going to my own village in the Government of Saratov.
Governor Aside, with an ironical expression on his face. The Government of Saratov! H’m, h’m! And doesn’t even blush! One must be on the qui vive with this fellow. Aloud. You have undertaken a great task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?
Khlestakov No, my father wants me. He’s angry because so far I haven’t made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I’d like him to knock about in the government offices for a while.
Governor Aside. How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too. Aloud. And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?
Khlestakov I really don’t know. You see, my father is stubborn and stupid⁠—an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I’ll tell him straight out, “Do what you will, I can’t live away from St. Petersburg.” Really, why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.
Governor Aside. He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I’ll make you talk. I’ll make you tell me things. Aloud. You were quite right in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard for your country, you don’t spare yourself, and the reward? You don’t know when it’s coming. He looks round the room. This room seems rather damp.
Khlestakov Yes, it’s a dirty room. And the bugs! I’ve never experienced anything like them. They bite like dogs.
Governor You don’t say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected to such annoyance at the hands of⁠—whom? Of vile bugs which should never have been born. And I dare say, it’s dark here, too.
Khlestakov Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something⁠—read a bit, or, if the fancy strikes me, write something.⁠—I can’t. It’s a dark room, yes, very dark.
Governor I wonder if I might be bold enough to ask you⁠—but, no, I’m unworthy.
Khlestakov What is it?
Governor No, no, I’m unworthy. I’m unworthy.
Khlestakov But what is it?
Governor If I might be bold enough⁠—I have a fine room for you at home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don’t be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my heart.
Khlestakov On the contrary, I accept your invitation with pleasure. I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this disreputable tavern.
Governor I’m only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It’s my character, you know. I’ve always been hospitable from my very childhood, especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don’t think I say this out of flattery. No, I haven’t that vice. I only speak from the fullness of my heart.
Khlestakov I’m greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced people. I like your candor and kindheartedness exceedingly. And I am free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem⁠—esteem and devotion.

Scene IX

The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

Servant Did your Honor wish anything?
Khlestakov Yes, let me have the bill.
Servant I gave you the second one a little while ago.
Khlestakov Oh, I can’t remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the whole comes to.
Servant You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.
Khlestakov Fool! Starts to count it all up now. How much is it altogether?
Governor Please don’t trouble yourself. He can wait. To the Servant. Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.
Khlestakov Yes, that’s so, of course. He puts the money in his pocket.
The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

Scene X

The Governor, Khlestakov and Dobchinsky.

Governor Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town now⁠—the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?
Khlestakov But what is there to see?
Governor Well, you’ll see how they’re run⁠—the order in which we keep them.
Khlestakov Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I’m ready.
Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.
Governor And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the district school and see our method of education.
Khlestakov Yes, yes, if you please.
Governor Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.
Khlestakov Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the philanthropic institutions.
Governor As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or with me in the cab?
Khlestakov I’d rather take the cab with you.
Governor To Dobchinsky. Now there’ll be no room for you, Piotr Ivanovich.
Dobchinsky It doesn’t matter. I’ll walk.
Governor Aside, to Dobchinsky. Listen. Run as fast as you can and take two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife. To Khlestakov. May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored guest?
Khlestakov Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I don’t know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?
Governor Yes, that’ll do. Writes, talking to himself at the same time. We’ll see how things will go after lunch and several stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he is and how much I have to be on my guard.
He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky rises.
Khlestakov Have you hurt yourself?
Bobchinsky Oh, it’s nothing⁠—nothing at all⁠—only a little bruise on my nose. I’ll run in to Dr. Hübner’s. He has a sort of plaster. It’ll soon pass away.
Governor Making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov. Oh, it’s nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we’ll go. I’ll tell your servant to carry your luggage over. Calls Osip. Here, my good fellow, take all your master’s things to my house, the Governor’s. Anyone will tell you where it is. By your leave, sir. Makes way for Khlestakov and follows him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky. Couldn’t you find some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!
Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.

Act III

Scene: The same as in Act I.

Scene I

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna standing at the window in the same positions as at the end of Act I.

Anna There now! We’ve been waiting a whole hour. All on account of your silly prinking. You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep on dawdling.⁠—Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though on purpose, as though the whole world were dead.
Marya Now really, mamma, we shall know all about it in a minute or two. Avdotya must come back soon. Looks out of the window and exclaims. Oh, mamma, someone is coming⁠—there down the street!
Anna Where? Just your imagination again!⁠—Why, yes, someone is coming. I wonder who it is. A short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder.
Marya Dobchinsky, mamma.
Anna Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It’s not Dobchinsky at all. Waves her handkerchief. Ho, you! Come here! Quick!
Marya It is Dobchinsky, mamma.
Anna Of course, you’ve got to contradict. I tell you, it’s not Dobchinsky.
Marya Well, well, mamma? Isn’t it Dobchinsky?
Anna Yes, it is, I see now. Why do you argue about it? Calls through the window. Hurry up, quick! You’re so slow. Well, where are they? What? Speak from where you are. It’s all the same. What? He is very strict? Eh? And how about my husband? Moves away a little from the window, exasperated. He is so stupid. He won’t say a word until he is in the room.

Scene II

Enter Dobchinsky.

Anna Now tell me, aren’t you ashamed? You were the only one I relied on to act decently. They all ran away and you after them, and till now I haven’t been able to find out a thing. Aren’t you ashamed? I stood godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is the way you treat me.
Dobchinsky Godmother, upon my word, I ran so fast to pay my respects to you that I’m all out of breath. How do you do, Marya Antonovna?
Marya Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich.
Anna Well, tell me all about it. What is happening at the inn?
Dobchinsky I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich.
Anna But who is he? A general?
Dobchinsky No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general, I tell you. Such culture! Such dignified manners!
Anna Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband got a letter about.
Dobchinsky Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and I who first discovered him.
Anna Tell me, tell me all about it.
Dobchinsky It’s all right now, thank the Lord. At first he received Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He was angry and said the inn was not run properly, and he wouldn’t come to the Governor’s house and he didn’t want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he found out that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and they got to talking more intimately, he changed right away, and, thank Heaven, everything went well. They’ve gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. I confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun to suspect that a secret denunciation had been lodged against him. I myself was trembling a little, too.
Anna What have you to be afraid of? You’re not an official.
Dobchinsky Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul speaks, you feel afraid.
Anna That’s all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like personally? Is he young or old?
Dobchinsky Young⁠—a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as if he were older. “If you will allow me,” he says, “I will go there and there.” Waves his hands. He does it all with such distinction. “I like,” he says, “to read and write, but I am prevented because my room is rather dark.”
Anna And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair?
Dobchinsky Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart about like little animals. They make you nervous.
Anna Let me see what my husband writes. Reads. “I hasten to let you know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one ruble and twenty-five kopeks.” Stops. I don’t understand. What have pickles and caviar got to do with it?
Dobchinsky Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap paper. There’s a kind of bill on it.
Anna Oh, yes, I see. Goes on reading. “But relying on the mercy of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready quickly for the distinguished guest⁠—the one with the gold wall paper. Don’t bother to get any extras for dinner because we’ll have something at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and tell Abdulin to send the best, or I’ll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky.” Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who’s there? Mishka?
Dobchinsky Runs to the door and calls. Mishka! Mishka! Mishka! Mishka enters.
Anna Listen! Run over to Abdulin⁠—wait, I’ll give you a note. She sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while. Give this to Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and everything else.
Dobchinsky Well, I’m going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the inspecting.
Anna Go on, I’m not keeping you.

Scene III

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

Anna Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He’s a metropolitan swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue dress with the little flounces. It’s the most becoming.
Marya The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can’t bear it. Liapkin-Tiapkin’s wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika’s daughter. I’d rather wear my flowered dress.
Anna Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You’ll look lots better in blue because I’m going to wear my dun-colored dress. I love dun-color.
Marya Oh, mamma, it isn’t a bit becoming to you.
Anna What, dun-color isn’t becoming to me?
Marya No, not a bit. I’m positive it isn’t. One’s eyes must be quite dark to go with dun-color.
Anna That’s nice! And aren’t my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be. What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always draw the queen of clubs.
Marya Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.
Anna Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts. She goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes. The ideas she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of that?
As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.

Scene IV

Mishka and Osip.

Osip Where is this to go?
Mishka In here, in here.
Osip Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an empty stomach any load seems heavy.
Mishka Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?
Osip What general?
Mishka Your master.
Osip My master? What sort of a general is he?
Mishka Isn’t he a general?
Osip Yes, he’s a general, only the other way round.
Mishka Is that higher or lower than a real general?
Osip Higher.
Mishka Gee whiz! That’s why they are raising such a racket about him here.
Osip Look here, young man, I see you’re a smart fellow. Get me something to eat, won’t you?
Mishka There isn’t anything ready yet for the likes of you. You won’t eat plain food. When your master takes his meal, they’ll let you have the same as he gets.
Osip But have you got any plain stuff?
Mishka We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie.
Osip That’s all right. We’ll eat cabbage soup, porridge and pie, we’ll eat everything. Come, help me with the valise. Is there another way to go out there?
Mishka Yes.
They both carry the valise into the next room.

Scene V

The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov enters followed by the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of Schools, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The Governor points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their haste.

Khlestakov Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers everything in your town. In other towns they didn’t show me a thing.
Governor In other towns, I venture to observe, the authorities and officials look out for themselves more. Here, I may say, we have no other thought than to win the Government’s esteem through good order, vigilance, and efficiency.
Khlestakov The lunch was excellent. I’ve positively overeaten. Do you set such a fine table every day?
Governor In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.
Khlestakov I like to eat well. That’s what a man lives for⁠—to pluck the flowers of pleasure. What was that fish called?
Artemy Running up to him. Labardan.
Khlestakov It was delicious. Where was it we had our lunch? In the hospital, wasn’t it?
Artemy Precisely, in the hospital.
Khlestakov Yes, yes, I remember. There were beds there. The patients must have gotten well. There don’t seem to have been many of them.
Artemy About ten are left. The rest recovered. The place is so well run, there is such perfect order. It may seem incredible to you, but ever since I’ve taken over the management, they all recover like flies. No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels better. And we obtain this result not so much by medicaments as by honesty and orderliness.
Governor In this connection may I venture to call your attention to what a brain-racking job the office of Governor is. There are so many matters he has to give his mind to just in connection with keeping the town clean and repairs and alterations. In a word, it is enough to upset the most competent person. But, thank God, all goes well. Another governor, of course, would look out for his own advantage. But believe me, even nights in bed I keep thinking: “Oh, God, how could I manage things in such a way that the government would observe my devotion to duty and be satisfied?” Whether the government will reward me or not, that of course, lies with them. At least I’ll have a clear conscience. When the whole town is in order, the streets swept clean, the prisoners well kept, and few drunkards⁠—what more do I want? Upon my word, I don’t even crave honors. Honors, of course, are alluring; but as against the happiness which comes from doing one’s duty, they are nothing but dross and vanity.
Artemy Aside. Oh, the do-nothing, the scoundrel! How he holds forth! I wish the Lord had blessed me with such a gift!
Khlestakov That’s so. I admit I sometimes like to philosophize, too. Sometimes it’s prose, and sometimes it comes out poetry.
Bobchinsky To Dobchinsky. How true, how true it all is, Piotr Ivanovich. His remarks are great. It’s evident that he is an educated man.
Khlestakov Would you tell me, please, if you have any amusements here, any circles where one could have a game of cards?
Governor Aside. Ahem! I know what you are aiming at, my boy. Aloud. God forbid! Why, no one here has even heard of such a thing as card-playing circles. I myself have never touched a card. I don’t know how to play. I can never look at cards with indifference, and if I happen to see a king of diamonds or some such thing, I am so disgusted I have to spit out. Once I made a house of cards for the children, and then I dreamt of those confounded things the whole night. Heavens! How can people waste their precious time over cards!
Luka Lukich Aside. But he faroed me out of a hundred rubles yesterday, the rascal.
Governor I’d rather employ my time for the benefit of the state.
Khlestakov Oh, well, that’s rather going too far. It all depends upon the point of view. If, for instance, you pass when you have to treble stakes, then of course⁠—No, don’t say that a game of cards isn’t very tempting sometimes.

Scene VI

The above, Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

Governor Permit me to introduce my family, my wife and daughter.
Khlestakov Bowing. I am happy, madam, to have the pleasure of meeting you.
Anna Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a person is still greater.
Khlestakov Showing off. Excuse me, madam, on the contrary, my pleasure is the greater.
Anna Impossible. You condescend to say it to compliment me. Won’t you please sit down?
Khlestakov Just to stand near you is bliss. But if you insist, I will sit down. I am so, so happy to be at your side at last.
Anna I beg your pardon, but I dare not take all the nice things you say to myself. I suppose you must have found travelling very unpleasant after living in the capital.
Khlestakov Extremely unpleasant. I am accustomed, comprenez-vous, to life in the fashionable world, and suddenly to find myself on the road, in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people⁠—I confess that if it were not for this chance which⁠—giving Anna a look and showing off compensated me for everything⁠—
Anna It must really have been extremely unpleasant for you.
Khlestakov At this moment, however, I find it exceedingly pleasant, madam.
Anna Oh, I cannot believe it. You do me much honor. I don’t deserve it.
Khlestakov Why don’t you deserve it? You do deserve it, madam.
Anna I live in a village.
Khlestakov Well, after all, a village too has something. It has its hills and brooks. Of course it’s not to be compared with St. Petersburg. Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only a copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the chief of our department. He slaps me on the back. “Come, brother,” he says, “and have dinner with me.” I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There’s a rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing but scribble all the time⁠—tr, tr⁠—They even wanted to make me a college assessor, but I think to myself, “What do I want it for?” And the doorkeeper flies after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. “Allow me to shine your boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich,” he says. To the Governor. Why are you standing, gentleman? Please sit down.
Governor Our rank is such that we can very well stand.
Artemy We don’t mind standing.
Luka Please don’t trouble.
Khlestakov Please sit down without the rank. The Governor and the rest sit down. I don’t like ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip by unobserved. But it’s impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. I no sooner show myself in a place than they say, “There goes Ivan Aleksandrovich!” Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief. The soldiers rushed out of the guardhouse and saluted. Afterwards an officer, an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me: “Why, old chap, we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief.”
Anna Well, I declare!
Khlestakov I know pretty actresses. I’ve written a number of vaudevilles, you know. I frequently meet literary men. I am on an intimate footing with Pushkin. I often say to him: “Well, Pushkin, old boy, how goes it?” “So, so, partner,” he’d reply, “as usual.” He’s a great original.
Anna So you write too? How thrilling it must be to be an author! You write for the papers also, I suppose?
Khlestakov Yes, for the papers, too. I am the author of a lot of works⁠—The Marriage of Figaro, Robert le Diable, Norma. I don’t even remember all the names. I did it just by chance. I hadn’t meant to write, but a theatrical manager said, “Won’t you please write something for me?” I thought to myself: “All right, why not?” So I did it all in one evening, surprised everybody. I am extraordinarily light of thought. All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus was written by me, and the The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.
Anna What! So you are Brambeus?
Khlestakov Why, yes. And I revise and whip all their articles into shape. Smirdin gives me forty thousand for it.
Anna I suppose, then, that Yury Miroslavsky is yours too.
Khlestakov Yes, it’s mine.
Anna I guessed at once.
Marya But, mamma, it says that it’s by Zagoskin.
Anna There! I knew you’d be contradicting even here.
Khlestakov Oh, yes, it’s so. That was by Zagoskin. But there is another Yury Miroslavsky which was written by me.
Anna That’s right. I read yours. It’s charming.
Khlestakov I admit I live by literature. I have the first house in St. Petersburg. It is well known as the house of Ivan Aleksandrovich. Addressing the company in general. If any of you should come to St. Petersburg, do please call to see me. I give balls, too, you know.
Anna I can guess the taste and magnificence of those balls.
Khlestakov Immense! For instance, watermelon will be served costing seven hundred rubles. The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris by steamer. When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like nothing else in the world. And we have formed a circle for playing whist⁠—the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French, the English and the German Ambassadors and myself. We play so hard we kill ourselves over the cards. There’s nothing like it. After it’s over I’m so tired I run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook, “Here, Marushka, take my coat”⁠—What am I talking about?⁠—I forgot that I live on the first floor. One flight up costs me⁠—My foyer before I rise in the morning is an interesting spectacle indeed⁠—counts and princes jostling each other and humming like bees. All you hear is buzz, buzz, buzz. Sometimes the Minister⁠—The Governor and the rest rise in awe from their chairs. Even my mail comes addressed “Your Excellency.” And once I even had charge of a department. A strange thing happened. The head of the department went off, disappeared, no one knew where. Of course there was a lot of talk about how the place would be filled, who would fill it, and all that sort of thing. There were ever so many generals hungry for the position, and they tried, but they couldn’t cope with it. It’s too hard. Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but when you come to examine it closely, it’s the devil of a job. When they saw they couldn’t manage, they came to me. In an instant the streets were packed full with couriers, nothing but couriers and couriers⁠—thirty-five thousand of them, imagine! Pray, picture the situation to yourself! “Ivan Aleksandrovich, do come and take the directorship of the department.” I admit I was a little embarrassed. I came out in my dressing-gown. I wanted to decline, but I thought it might reach the Czar’s ears, and, besides, my official record⁠—“Very well, gentlemen,” I said, “I’ll accept the position, I’ll accept. So be it. But mind,” I said, “na-na-na, look.” Sharp is the word with me, look sharp!” And so it was. When I went through the offices of my department, it was a regular earthquake, Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf. The Governor and the rest tremble with fright. Khlestakov works himself up more and more as he speaks. Oh, I don’t like to joke. I got all of them thoroughly scared, I tell you. Even the Imperial Council is afraid of me. And really, that’s the sort I am. I don’t spare anybody. I tell them all, “I know myself, I know myself.” I am everywhere, everywhere. I go to Court daily. Tomorrow they are going to make me a field-marsh⁠—
He slips and almost falls, but is respectfully held up by the officials.
Governor Walks up to him trembling from top to toe and speaking with a great effort. Your Ex-ex-ex-
Khlestakov Curtly. What is it?
Governor Your Ex-ex-ex-
Khlestakov As before. I can’t make out a thing, it’s all nonsense.
Governor Your Ex-ex⁠—Your ’lency⁠—Your Excellency, wouldn’t you like to rest a bit? Here’s a room and everything you may need.
Khlestakov Nonsense⁠—rest! However, I’m ready for a rest. Your lunch was fine, gentlemen. I am satisfied, I am satisfied. Declaiming. Labardan! Labardan!
He goes into the next room followed by the Governor.

Scene VII

The same without Khlestakov and the Governor.

Bobchinsky To Dobchinsky. There’s a man for you, Piotr Ivanovich. That’s what I call a man. I’ve never in my life been in the presence of so important a personage. I almost died of fright. What do you think is his rank, Piotr Ivanovich?
Dobchinsky I think he’s almost a general.
Bobchinsky And I think a general isn’t worth the sole of his boots. But if he is a general, then he must be the generalissimo himself. Did you hear how he bullies the Imperial Council? Come, let’s hurry off to Ammos Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. Goodbye, Anna Andreyevna.
Dobchinsky Good afternoon, godmother.
Both go out.
Artemy It makes your heart sink and you don’t know why. We haven’t even our uniforms on. Suppose after he wakes up from his nap he goes and sends a report about us to St. Petersburg. He goes out sunk in thought, with the School Inspector, both saying, Goodbye, madam.

Scene VIII

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

Anna Oh, how charming he is!
Marya A perfect dear!
Anna Such refined manners. You can recognize the big city article at once. How he carries himself, and all that sort of thing! Exquisite! I’m just crazy for young men like him. I am in ecstasies⁠—beside myself. He liked me very much though. I noticed he kept looking at me all the time.
Marya Oh, mamma, he looked at me.
Anna No more nonsense please. It’s out of place now.
Marya But really, mamma, he did look at me.
Anna There you go! For God’s sake, don’t argue. You mustn’t. That’s enough. What would he be looking at you for? Please tell me, why would he be looking at you?
Marya It’s true, mamma. He kept looking at me. He looked at me when he began to speak about literature and he looked at me afterwards, when he told about how he played whist with the ambassadors.
Anna Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice and might have said to himself, “Oh, well, I’ll give her a look.”

Scene IX

The same and the Governor.

Governor Sh-sh!
Anna What is it?
Governor I wish I hadn’t given him so much to drink. Suppose even half of what he said is true? Sunk in thought. How can it not be true? A man in his cups is always on the surface. What’s in his heart is on his tongue. Of course he fibbed a little. No talking is possible without some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court. Upon my word the more you think the less you know what’s going on in your head. I’m as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or if I were going to be hanged, the devil take it!
Anna And I didn’t feel the least bit afraid. I simply saw a high-toned, cultured man of the world, and his rank and titles didn’t make me feel a bit queer.
Governor Oh, well, you women. To say women and enough’s said. Everything is froth and bubble to you. All of a sudden you blab out words that don’t make the least sense. The worst you’d get would be a flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.⁠—Say, my dear, you are as familiar with him as if he were another Bobchinsky.
Anna Leave that to us. Don’t bother about that. Glancing at Marya. We know a thing or two in that line.
Governor To himself. Oh, what’s the good of talking to you! Confound it all! I can’t get over my fright yet. Opens the door and calls. Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here. They are near the gate. After a pause of silence. The world has turned into a queer place. If at least the people were visible so you could see them; but they are such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could you tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; but when he wears a frock-coat, it’s like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it up a long time in the inn, got off a lot of allegories and ambiguities so that you couldn’t make out head or tail. Now he’s shown himself up at last.⁠—Spouted even more than necessary. It’s evident that he’s a young man.

Scene X

The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning to him.

Anna Come here, my good man.
Governor Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep?
Osip No, not yet. He’s stretching himself a little.
Anna What’s your name?
Osip Osip, madam.
Governor To his wife and daughter. That’ll do, that’ll do. To Osip. Well, friend, did they give you a good meal?
Osip Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly.
Anna Your master has lots of counts and princes visiting him, hasn’t he?
Osip Aside. What shall I say? Seeing as they’ve given me such good feed now, I s’pose they’ll do even better later. Aloud. Yes, counts do visit him.
Marya Osip, darling, isn’t your master just grand?
Anna Osip, please tell me, how is he⁠—
Governor Do stop now. You just interfere with your silly talk. Well, friend, how⁠—
Anna What is your master’s rank?
Osip The usual rank.
Governor For God’s sake, your stupid questions keep a person from getting down to business. Tell me, friend, what sort of a man is your master? Is he strict? Does he rag and bully a fellow⁠—you know what I mean⁠—does he or doesn’t he?
Osip Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists on things being just so.
Governor I like your face. You must be a fine man, friend. What⁠—?
Anna Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform in St. Petersburg?
Governor Enough of your tattle now, really. This is a serious matter, a matter of life and death. To Osip. Yes, friend, I like you very much. It’s rather chilly now and when a man’s travelling an extra glass of tea or so is rather welcome. So here’s a couple of rubles for some tea.
Osip Taking the money. Thank you, much obliged to you, sir. God grant you health and long life. You’ve helped a poor man.
Governor That’s all right. I’m glad to do it. Now, friend⁠—
Anna Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?
Marya Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!
Governor Stop now, let me speak. To Osip. Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?
Osip As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.
Governor Entertained well?
Osip Yes, for instance, I’m nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. S’help me God! Say we’d stop at some place and he’d ask, “Well, Osip, have they treated you well?” “No, badly, your Excellency.” “Ah,” he’d say, “Osip, he’s not a good host. Remind me when we get home.” “Oh, well,” thinks I to myself. With a wave of his hand. “I am a simple person. God be with them.”
Governor Very good. You talk sense. I’ve given you something for tea. Here’s something for buns, too.
Osip You are too kind, your Excellency. Puts the money in his pocket. I’ll sure drink your health, sir.
Anna Come to me, Osip, and I’ll give you some, too.
Marya Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.
Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.
Governor Hush! Rises on tiptoe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone. Don’t make a noise, for heaven’s sake! Go, it’s enough.
Anna Come, Mashenka, I’ll tell you something I noticed about our guest that I can’t tell you unless we are alone together. They go out.
Governor Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you’d want to stop up your ears. To Osip. Well, friend⁠—

Scene XI

The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.

Governor Sh⁠—sh! Bandy-legged bears⁠—thumping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon. Where in the devil have you been knocking about?
Derzhimorda I had your order⁠—
Governor Hush! Puts his hand over Derzhimorda’s mouth. Like a bull bellowing. Mocking him. “I had your order⁠—” Makes a noise like an empty barrel. To Osip. Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don’t you dare budge from the spot. And don’t let any strangers enter the house, especially the merchants. If you let a single one in, I’ll⁠—The instant you see anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, give him a good kick, shows with his foot and throw him out. Do you hear? Hush⁠—hush!
He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.
Curtain.

Act IV

Scene: Same as in Act III.

Scene I

Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform.

Ammos For God’s sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let’s have more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here. Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.
Artemy Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.
Ammos Try what?
Artemy It’s clear what.
Ammos Grease?
Artemy Exactly, grease.
Ammos It’s risky, the deuce take it. He’ll fly into a rage at us. He’s a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?
Postmaster Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post and we don’t know for whom?
Artemy You had better look out that he doesn’t send you by post a good long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way in a well-ordered state. What’s the use of a whole regiment here? We must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do⁠—what ought to be done, you know⁠—so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That’s the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos Fiodorovich, you be the first.
Ammos You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in your institution.
Artemy Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.
Luka I can’t, I can’t, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.
Artemy It’s you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There’s no one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero’s mouth.
Ammos What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.
All Pressing him. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too. Don’t forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!
Ammos Let go of me, gentlemen.
Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov’s room. All hurry to the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.
Bobchinsky’s Voice Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.
Artemy Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my sins. You are squeezing me to death.
Exclamations of “Oh! Oh!” Finally they all push through the door, and the stage is left empty.

Scene II

Enter Khlestakov, looking sleepy.

Khlestakov Alone. I seem to have had a fine snooze. Where did they get those mattresses and feather beds from? I even perspired. After the meal yesterday they must have slipped something into me that knocked me out. I still feel a pounding in my head. I see I can have a good time here. I like hospitality, and I must say I like it all the more if people entertain me out of a pure heart and not from interested motives. The Governor’s daughter is not a bad one at all, and the mother is also a woman you can still⁠—I don’t know, but I do like this sort of life.

Scene III

Khlestakov and the Judge.

Judge Comes in and stops. Talking to himself. Oh, God, bring me safely out of this! How my knees are knocking together! Drawing himself up and holding the sword in his hand. Aloud. I have the honor to present myself⁠—Judge of the District Court here, College Assessor Liapkin-Tiapkin.
Khlestakov Please be seated. So you are the Judge here?
Judge I was elected by the nobility in 1816 and I have served ever since.
Khlestakov Does it pay to be a judge?
Judge After serving three terms I was decorated with the Vladimir of the third class with the approval of the government. Aside. I have the money in my hand and my hand is on fire.
Khlestakov I like the Vladimir. Anna of the third class is not so nice.
Judge Slightly extending his balled fist. Aside. Good God! I don’t know where I’m sitting. I feel as though I were on burning coals.
Khlestakov What have you got in your hand there?
Ammos Getting all mixed up and dropping the bills on the floor. Nothing.
Khlestakov How so, nothing? I see money has dropped out of it.
Ammos Shaking all over. Oh no, oh no, not at all! Aside. Oh, Lord! Now I’m under arrest and they’ve brought a wagon to take me.
Khlestakov Yes, it is money. Picking it up.
Ammos Aside. It’s all over with me. I’m lost! I’m lost!
Khlestakov I tell you what⁠—lend it to me.
Ammos Eagerly. Why, of course, of course⁠—with the greatest pleasure. Aside. Bolder! Bolder! Holy Virgin, stand by me!
Khlestakov I’ve run out of cash on the road, what with one thing and another, you know. I’ll let you have it back as soon as I get to the village.
Ammos Please don’t mention it! It is a great honor to have you take it. I’ll try to deserve it⁠—by putting forth the best of my feeble powers, by my zeal and ardor for the government. Rises from the chair and draws himself up straight with his hands hanging at his sides. I will not venture to disturb you longer with my presence. You don’t care to give any orders?
Khlestakov What orders?
Judge I mean, would you like to give orders for the district court here?
Khlestakov What for? I have nothing to do with the court now. No, nothing. Thank you very much.
Ammos Bowing and leaving. Aside. Now the town is ours.
Khlestakov The Judge is a fine fellow.

Scene IV

Khlestakov and the Postmaster.

Postmaster In uniform, sword in hand. Drawing himself up. I have the honor to present myself⁠—Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.
Khlestakov I’m glad to meet you. I like pleasant company very much. Take a seat. Do you live here all the time?
Postmaster Yes, sir. Quite so.
Khlestakov I like this little town. Of course, there aren’t many people. It’s not very lively. But what of it? It isn’t the capital. Isn’t that so⁠—it isn’t the capital?
Postmaster Quite so, quite so.
Khlestakov It’s only in the capital that you find bon ton and not a lot of provincial lubbers. What is your opinion? Isn’t that so?
Postmaster Quite so. Aside. He isn’t a bit proud. He inquires about everything.
Khlestakov And yet you’ll admit that one can live happily in a little town.
Postmaster Quite so.
Khlestakov In my opinion what you want is this⁠—you want people to respect you and to love you sincerely. Isn’t that so?
Postmaster Exactly.
Khlestakov I’m glad you agree with me. Of course, they call me queer. But that’s the kind of character I am. Looking him in the face and talking to himself. I think I’ll ask this postmaster for a loan. Aloud. A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the road. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?
Postmaster Of course. I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune. I am ready to serve you with all my heart.
Khlestakov Thank you very much. I must say, I hate like the devil to deny myself on the road. And why should I? Isn’t that so?
Postmaster Quite so. Rises, draws himself up, with his sword in his hand. I’ll not venture to disturb you any more. Would you care to make any remarks about the post office administration?
Khlestakov No, nothing.
The Postmaster bows and goes out.
Khlestakov Lighting a cigar. It seems to me the Postmaster is a fine fellow, too. He’s certainly obliging. I like people like that.

Scene V

Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is practically pushed in on the stage. A voice behind him is heard saying nearly aloud, “Don’t be chickenhearted.”

Luka Drawing himself up, trembling, with his hand on his sword. I have the honor to present myself⁠—School Inspector, Titular Councilor Khlopov.
Khlestakov I’m glad to see you. Take a seat, take a seat. Will you have a cigar? Offers him a cigar.
Luka To himself, hesitating. There now! That’s something I hadn’t anticipated. To take or not to take?
Khlestakov Take it, take it. It’s a pretty good cigar. Of course not what you get in St. Petersburg. There I used to smoke twenty-five cent cigars. You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them. Here, light it. Hands him a candle.
Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over.
Khlestakov Not that end, the other.
Luka Drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes his hands. Aside. Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me!
Khlestakov I see you are not a lover of cigars. I confess smoking is my weakness⁠—smoking and the fair sex. Not for the life of me can I remain indifferent to the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like more, brunettes or blondes?
Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say.
Khlestakov Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes?
Luka I don’t dare to know.
Khlestakov No, no, don’t evade. I’m bound to know your taste.
Luka I venture to report to you⁠—Aside. I don’t know what I’m saying.
Khlestakov Ah, you don’t want to say. I suppose some little brunette or other has cast a spell over you. Confess, she has, hasn’t she?
Luka Lukich remains silent.
Khlestakov Ah, you’re blushing. You see. Why don’t you speak?
Luka I’m scared, your Hon⁠—High⁠—Ex⁠—Aside. Done for! My confounded tongue has undone me!
Khlestakov You’re scared? There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes, isn’t there? At least I know not a single woman can resist them. Isn’t that so?
Luka Exactly.
Khlestakov A strange thing happened to me on the road. I ran entirely out of cash. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?
Luka Clutching his pockets. Aside. A fine business if I haven’t got the money! I have! I have! Takes out the bills and gives them to him, trembling.
Khlestakov Thank you very much.
Luka Drawing himself up, with his hand on his sword. I will not venture to disturb you with my presence any longer.
Khlestakov Goodbye.
Luka Dashes out almost at a run, saying aside. Well, thank the Lord! Maybe he won’t inspect the schools.

Scene VI

Khlestakov and Artemy Filippovich.

Artemy Enters and draws himself up, his hand on his sword. I have the honor to present myself⁠—Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor Zemlianika.
Khlestakov Howdeedo? Please sit down.
Artemy I had the honor of receiving you and personally conducting you through the philanthropic institutions committed to my care.
Khlestakov Oh, yes, I remember. You treated me to a dandy lunch.
Artemy I am glad to do all I can in behalf of my country.
Khlestakov I admit, my weakness is a good cuisine.⁠—Tell me, please, won’t you⁠—it seems to me you were a little shorter yesterday, weren’t you?
Artemy Quite possible. After a pause. I may say I spare myself no pains and perform the duties of my office with the utmost zeal. Draws his chair closer and speaks in a lowered tone. There’s the postmaster, for example, he does absolutely nothing. Everything is in a fearful state of neglect. The mail is held up. Investigate for yourself, if you please, and you will see. The Judge, too, the man who was here just now, does nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the court rooms, and his conduct, if I must confess⁠—and for the benefit of the fatherland, I must confess, though he is my relative and friend⁠—his conduct is in the highest degree reprehensible. There is a squire here by the name of Dobchinsky, whom you were pleased to see. Well, the moment Dobchinsky leaves the house, the Judge is there with Dobchinsky’s wife. I can swear to it. You just take a look at the children. Not one of them resembles Dobchinsky. All of them, even the little girl, are the very image of the Judge.
Khlestakov You don’t say so. I never imagined it.
Artemy Then take the School Inspector here. I don’t know how the government could have entrusted him with such an office. He’s worse than a Jacobin freethinker, and he instils such pernicious ideas into the minds of the young that I can hardly describe it. Hadn’t I better put it all down on paper, if you so order?
Khlestakov Very well, why not? I should like it very much. I like to kill the weary hours reading something amusing, you know. What is your name? I keep forgetting.
Artemy Zemlianika.
Khlestakov Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. Zemlianika, have you any children?
Artemy Of course. Five. Two are already grown up.
Khlestakov You don’t say! Grown up! And how are they⁠—how are they⁠—a⁠—a?
Artemy You mean that you deign to ask what their names are?
Khlestakov Yes, yes, what are their names?
Artemy Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya.
Khlestakov Good.
Artemy I don’t venture to disturb you any longer with my presence and rob you of your time dedicated to the performance of your sacred duties⁠—Bows and makes to go.
Khlestakov Escorting him. Not at all. What you told me is all very funny. Call again, please. I like that sort of thing very much. Turns back and reopens the door, calling. I say, there! What is your⁠—I keep forgetting. What is your first name and your patronymic?
Artemy Artemy Filippovich.
Khlestakov Do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich. A curious accident happened to me on the road. I’ve run entirely out of cash. Have you four hundred rubles to lend me?
Artemy I have.
Khlestakov That comes in pat. Thank you very much.

Scene VII

Khlestakov, Bobchinsky, and Dobchinsky.

Bobchinsky I have the honor to present myself⁠—a resident of this town, Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.
Dobchinsky I am Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, a squire.
Khlestakov Oh, yes, I’ve met you before. I believe you fell? How’s your nose?
Bobchinsky It’s all right. Please don’t trouble. It’s dried up, dried up completely.
Khlestakov That’s nice. I’m glad it’s dried up. Suddenly and abruptly. Have you any money?
Dobchinsky Money? How’s that⁠—money?
Khlestakov A thousand rubles to lend me.
Bobchinsky Not so much as that, honest to God I haven’t. Have you, Piotr Ivanovich?
Dobchinsky I haven’t got it with me, because my money⁠—I beg to inform you⁠—is deposited in the State Savings Bank.
Khlestakov Well, if you haven’t a thousand, then a hundred.
Bobchinsky Fumbling in his pockets. Have you a hundred rubles, Piotr Ivanovich? All I have is forty.
Dobchinsky Examining his pocketbook. I have only twenty-five.
Bobchinsky Look harder, Piotr Ivanovich. I know you have a hole in your pocket, and the money must have dropped down into it somehow.
Dobchinsky No, honestly, there isn’t any in the hole either.
Khlestakov Well, never mind. I merely mentioned the matter. Sixty-five will do. Takes the money.
Dobchinsky May I venture to ask a favor of you concerning a very delicate matter?
Khlestakov What is it?
Dobchinsky It’s a matter of an extremely delicate nature. My oldest son⁠—I beg to inform you⁠—was born before I was married.
Khlestakov Indeed?
Dobchinsky That is, only in a sort of way. He is really my son, just as if he had been born in wedlock. I made up everything afterwards, set everything right, as it should be, with the bonds of matrimony, you know. Now, I venture to inform you, I should like to have him altogether⁠—that is, I should like him to be altogether my legitimate son and be called Dobchinsky the same as I.
Khlestakov That’s all right. Let him be called Dobchinsky. That’s possible.
Dobchinsky I shouldn’t have troubled you; but it’s a pity, he is such a talented youngster. He gives the greatest promise. He can recite different poems by heart; and whenever he gets hold of a penknife, he makes little carriages as skilfully as a conjurer. Here’s Piotr Ivanovich. He knows. Am I not right?
Bobchinsky Yes, the lad is very talented.
Khlestakov All right, all right. I’ll try to do it for you. I’ll speak to⁠—I hope⁠—it’ll be done, it’ll all be done. Yes, yes. Turning to Bobchinsky. Have you anything you’d like to say to me?
Bobchinsky Why, of course. I have a most humble request to make.
Khlestakov What is it?
Bobchinsky I beg your Highness or your Excellency most worshipfully, when you get back to St. Petersburg, please tell all the high personages there, the senators and the admirals, that Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky lives in this town. Say this: “Piotr Ivanovich lives there.”
Khlestakov Very well.
Bobchinsky And if you should happen to speak to the Czar, then tell him, too: “Your Majesty,” tell him, “Your Majesty, Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky lives in this town.”
Khlestakov Very well.
Bobchinsky Pardon me for having troubled you with my presence.
Khlestakov Not at all, not at all. It was my pleasure. Sees them to the door.

Scene VIII

Khlestakov Alone. My, there are a lot of officials here. They seem to be taking me for a government functionary. To be sure, I threw dust in their eyes yesterday. What a bunch of fools! I’ll write all about it to Triapichkin in St. Petersburg. He’ll write them up in the papers. Let him give them a nice walloping.⁠—Ho, Osip, give me paper and ink.
Osip Looking in at the door. D’rectly.
Khlestakov Anybody gets caught in Triapichkin’s tongue had better look out. For the sake of a witticism he wouldn’t spare his own father. They are good people though, these officials. It’s a nice trait of theirs to lend me money. I’ll just see how much it all mounts up to. Here’s three hundred from the Judge and three hundred from the Postmaster⁠—six hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred⁠—What a greasy bill!⁠—Eight hundred, nine hundred.⁠—Oho! Rolls up to more than a thousand! Now, if I get you, captain, now! We’ll see who’ll do whom!

Scene IX

Khlestakov and Osip entering with paper and ink.

Khlestakov Now, you simpleton, you see how they receive and treat me. Begins to write.
Osip Yes, thank God! But do you know what, Ivan Aleksandrovich?
Khlestakov What?
Osip Leave this place. Upon my word, it’s time.
Khlestakov Writing. What nonsense! Why?
Osip Just so. God be with them. You’ve had a good time here for two days. It’s enough. What’s the use of having anything more to do with them? Spit on them. You don’t know what may happen. Somebody else may turn up. Upon my word, Ivan Aleksandrovich. And the horses here are fine. We’ll gallop away like a breeze.
Khlestakov Writing. No, I’d like to stay a little longer. Let’s go tomorrow.
Osip Why tomorrow? Let’s go now, Ivan Aleksandrovich, now, ’pon my word. To be sure, it’s a great honor and all that. But really we’d better go as quick as we can. You see, they’ve taken you for somebody else, honest. And your dad will be angry because you dilly-dallied so long. We’d gallop off so smartly. They’d give us first-class horses here.
Khlestakov Writing. All right. But first take this letter to the post office, and, if you like, order post horses at the same time. Tell the postilions that they should drive like couriers and sing songs, and I’ll give them a ruble each. Continues to write. I wager Triapichkin will die laughing.
Osip I’ll send the letter off by the man here. I’d rather be packing in the meanwhile so as to lose no time.
Khlestakov All right. Bring me a candle.
Osip Outside the door, where he is heard speaking. Say, partner, go to the post office and mail a letter, and tell the postmaster to frank it. And have a coach sent round at once, the very best courier coach; and tell them the master doesn’t pay fare. He travels at the expense of the government. And make them hurry, or else the master will be angry. Wait, the letter isn’t ready yet.
Khlestakov I wonder where he lives now, on Pochtamtskaya or Grokhovaya Street. He likes to move often, too, to get out of paying rent. I’ll make a guess and send it to Pochtamtskaya Street. Folds the letter and addresses it.
Osip brings the candle. Khlestakov seals the letter with sealing wax. At that moment Derzhimorda’s voice is heard saying: “Where are you going, whiskers? You’ve been told that nobody is allowed to come in.”
Khlestakov Giving the letter to Osip. There, have it mailed.
Merchant’s Voice Let us in, brother. You have no right to keep us out. We have come on business.
Derzhimorda’s Voice Get out of here, get out of here! He doesn’t receive anybody. He’s asleep.
The disturbance outside grows louder.
Khlestakov What’s the matter there, Osip? See what the noise is about.
Osip Looking through the window. There are some merchants there who want to come in, and the sergeant won’t let them. They are waving papers. I suppose they want to see you.
Khlestakov Going to the window. What is it, friends?
Merchant’s Voice We appeal for your protection. Give orders, your Lordship, that our petitions be received.
Khlestakov Let them in, let them in. Osip, tell them to come in.
Osip goes out.
Khlestakov Takes the petitions through the window, unfolds one of them and reads. “To his most honorable, illustrious financial Excellency, from the merchant Abdulin.⁠ ⁠…” The devil knows what this is! There’s no such title.

Scene X

Khlestakov and Merchants, with a basket of wine and sugar loaves.

Khlestakov What is it, friends?
Merchants We beseech your favor.
Khlestakov What do you want?
Merchants Don’t ruin us, your Worship. We suffer insult and wrong wholly without cause.
Khlestakov From whom?
A Merchant Why, from our governor here. Such a governor there never was yet in the world, your Worship. No words can describe the injuries he inflicts upon us. He has taken the bread out of our mouths by quartering soldiers on us, so that you might as well put your neck in a noose. He doesn’t treat you as you deserve. He catches hold of your beard and says, “Oh, you Tartar!” Upon my word, if we had shown him any disrespect, but we obey all the laws and regulations. We don’t mind giving him what his wife and daughter need for their clothes, but no, that’s not enough. So help me God! He comes to our shop and takes whatever his eyes fall on. He sees a piece of cloth and says, “Oh, my friends, that’s a fine piece of goods. Take it to my house.” So we take it to his house. It will be almost forty yards.
Khlestakov Is it possible? My, what a swindler!
Merchants So help us God! No one remembers a governor like him. When you see him coming you hide everything in the shop. It isn’t only that he wants a few delicacies and fineries. He takes every bit of trash, too⁠—prunes that have been in the barrel seven years and that even the boy in my shop would not eat, and he grabs a fist full. His name day is St. Anthony’s, and you’d think there’s nothing else left in the world to bring him and that he doesn’t want any more. But no, you must give him more. He says St. Onufry’s is also his name day. What’s to be done? You have to take things to him on St. Onufry’s day, too.
Khlestakov Why, he’s a plain robber.
Merchants Yes, indeed! And try to contradict him, and he’ll fill your house with a whole regiment of soldiers. And if you say anything, he orders the doors closed. “I won’t inflict corporal punishment on you,” he says, “or put you in the rack. That’s forbidden by law,” he says. “But I’ll make you swallow salt herring, my good man.”
Khlestakov What a swindler! For such things a man can be sent to Siberia.
Merchants It doesn’t matter where you are pleased to send him. Only the farthest away from here the better. Father, don’t scorn to accept our bread and salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a basket of wine.
Khlestakov No, no. Don’t think of it. I don’t take bribes. Oh, if, for example, you would offer me a loan of three hundred rubles, that’s quite different. I am willing to take a loan.
Merchants If you please, father. They take out money. But what is three hundred? Better take five hundred. Only help us.
Khlestakov Very well. About a loan I won’t say a word. I’ll take it.
Merchants Proffering him the money on a silver tray. Do please take the tray, too.
Khlestakov Very well. I can take the tray, too.
Merchants Bowing. Then take the sugar at the same time.
Khlestakov Oh, no. I take no bribes.
Osip Why don’t you take the sugar, your Highness? Take it. Everything will come in handy on the road. Give here the sugar and that case. Give them here. It’ll all be of use. What have you got there⁠—a string? Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, if the coach or something else should break⁠—for tying it up.
Merchants Do us this great favor, your illustrious Highness. Why, if you don’t help us in our appeal to you, then we simply don’t know how we are to exist. We might as well put our necks in a noose.
Khlestakov Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts in your behalf.

The Merchants leave. A woman’s voice is heard saying:

“Don’t you dare not to let me in. I’ll make a complaint against you to him himself. Don’t push me that way. It hurts.”
Khlestakov Who is there? Goes to the window. What is it, mother?
Two women’s voices are heard: “We beseech your grace, father. Give orders, your Lordship, for us to be heard.”
Khlestakov Let her in.

Scene XI

Khlestakov, the Locksmith’s Wife, and the noncommissioned Officer’s Widow.

Locksmith’s Wife Kneeling. I beseech your grace.
Widow I beseech your grace.
Khlestakov Who are you?
Widow Ivanova, widow of a noncommissioned officer.
Locksmith’s Wife Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a burgess of this town. My father⁠—
Khlestakov Stop! One at a time. What do you want?
Locksmith’s Wife I beg for your grace. I beseech your aid against the governor. May God send all evil upon him. May neither he nor his children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their undertakings.
Khlestakov What’s the matter?
Locksmith’s Wife He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier, and our turn hadn’t come, and it is against the law, my husband being a married man.
Khlestakov How could he do it, then?
Locksmith’s Wife He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May God smite him both in this world and the next. If he has an aunt, may all harm descend upon her. And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may he choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been levied. And he is a drunkard, too. But his parents gave the governor a rich present, so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva. And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. So then he comes to me. “What do you want your husband for?” he says. “He isn’t any good to you any more.” It’s for me to know whether he is any good or not. That’s my business. The old cheat! “He’s a thief,” he says. “Although he hasn’t stolen anything, that doesn’t matter. He is going to steal. And he’ll be recruited next year anyway.” How can I do without a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! May none of his kith and kin ever see the light of God. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she, too⁠—
Khlestakov All right, all right. Well, and you?
Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith’s Wife to the door.
Locksmith’s Wife Leaving. Don’t forget, father. Be kind and gracious to me.
Widow I have come to complain against the Governor, father.
Khlestakov What is it? What for? Be brief.
Widow He flogged me, father.
Khlestakov How so?
Widow By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the market, and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and reported me⁠—I couldn’t sit down for two days.
Khlestakov But what’s to be done now?
Widow There’s nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can’t undo my luck. But the money would be very useful to me now.
Khlestakov All right, all right. Go now, go. I’ll see to it. Hands with petitions are thrust through the window. Who else is out there? Goes to the window. No, no. I don’t want to, I don’t want to. Leaves the window. I’m sick of it, the devil take it! Don’t let them in, Osip.
Osip Calling through the window. Go away, go away! He has no time. Come tomorrow.
The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, with unshaven beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over his cheek. Behind him appear a whole line of others.
Osip Go away, go away! What are you crowding in here for?
He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, and goes out through the door, pushing him and banging the door behind.

Scene XII

Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna.

Marya Oh!
Khlestakov What frightened you so, mademoiselle?
Marya I wasn’t frightened.
Khlestakov Showing off. Please, miss. It’s a great pleasure to me that you took me for a man who⁠—May I venture to ask you where you were going?
Marya I really wasn’t going anywhere.
Khlestakov But why weren’t you going anywhere?
Marya I was wondering whether mamma was here.
Khlestakov No. I’d like to know why you weren’t going anywhere.
Marya I should have been in your way. You were occupied with important matters.
Khlestakov Showing off. Your eyes are better than important matters. You cannot possibly disturb me. No, indeed, by no means. On the contrary, you afford me great pleasure.
Marya You speak like a man from the capital.
Khlestakov For such a beautiful lady as you. May I give myself the pleasure of offering you a chair? But no, you should have, not a chair, but a throne.
Marya I really don’t know⁠—I really must go. She sits down.
Khlestakov What a beautiful scarf that is.
Marya You are making fun of me. You’re only ridiculing the provincials.
Khlestakov Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck.
Marya I haven’t the least idea what you are talking about⁠—scarf!⁠—Peculiar weather today, isn’t it?
Khlestakov Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.
Marya You are just saying that⁠—I should like to ask you⁠—I’d rather you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know very many.
Khlestakov Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you have?
Marya Any at all. Pretty, new verses.
Khlestakov Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.
Marya Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?
Khlestakov What’s the use? I know them anyway.
Marya I love them so.
Khlestakov I have lots of them⁠—of every sort. If you like, for example, I’ll give you this: “Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish murmurest against God⁠—” and others. I can’t remember them now. Besides, it’s all bosh. I’d rather offer you my love instead, which ever since your first glance⁠—Moves his chair nearer.
Marya Love? I don’t understand love. I never knew what love is. Moves her chair away.
Khlestakov Why do you move your chair away? It is better for us to sit near each other.
Marya Moving away. Why near? It’s all the same if it’s far away.
Khlestakov Moving nearer. Why far? It’s all the same if it’s near.
Marya Moving away. But what for?
Khlestakov Moving nearer. It only seems near to you. Imagine it’s far. How happy I would be, mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.
Marya Looking through the window. What is that? It looked as if something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?
Khlestakov Kisses her shoulder and looks through the window. It’s a magpie.
Marya Rises indignantly. No, that’s too much⁠—Such rudeness, such impertinence.
Khlestakov Holding her back. Forgive me, mademoiselle. I did it only out of love⁠—only out of love, nothing else.
Marya You take me for a silly provincial wench. Struggles to go away.
Khlestakov Still holding her back. It’s out of love, really⁠—out of love. It was just a little fun. Marya Antonovna, don’t be angry. I’m ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees. Falls on his knees. Forgive me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees.

Scene XIII

The same and Anna Andreyevna.

Anna Seeing Khlestakov on his knees. Oh, what a situation!
Khlestakov Rising. Oh, the devil!
Anna To Marya. What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?
Marya I, mother⁠—
Anna Go away from here. Do you hear? And don’t you dare to show your face to me. Marya goes out in tears. Excuse me. I must say I’m greatly astonished.
Khlestakov Aside. She’s very appetizing, too. She’s not bad-looking, either. Flings himself on his knees. Madam, you see I am burning with love.
Anna What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor isn’t very clean.
Khlestakov No, I must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the verdict. Is it life or death?
Anna But please⁠—I don’t quite understand the significance of your words. If I am not mistaken, you are making a proposal for my daughter.
Khlestakov No, I am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If you don’t crown my steadfast love, then I am not fit to exist in this world. With a burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand.
Anna But please remember I am in a certain way⁠—married.
Khlestakov That’s nothing. Love knows no distinction. It was Karamzin who said: “The laws condemn.” We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your hand! I pray for your hand!

Scene XIV

The same and Marya Antonovna.

Marya Running in suddenly. Mamma, papa says you should⁠—Seeing Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims: Oh, what a situation!
Anna Well, what do you want? Why did you come in here? What for? What sort of flightiness is this? Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke. Well, what have you found so wonderful? What’s gotten into your head again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. She doesn’t act a bit like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. I don’t know when you’ll get more sense into your head, when you’ll behave like a decent, well-bred girl, when you’ll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor.
Marya Through her tears. Mamma, I really didn’t know⁠—
Anna There’s always a breeze blowing through your head. You act like Liapkin-Tiapkin’s daughter. Why should you imitate them? You shouldn’t imitate them. You have other examples to follow. You have your mother before you. She’s the example to follow.
Khlestakov Seizing Marya’s hand. Anna Andreyevna, don’t oppose our happiness. Give your blessing to our constant love.
Anna In surprise. So it’s in her you are⁠—
Khlestakov Decide⁠—life or death?
Anna Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest is pleased to go down on his knees for such trash as you. You, running in suddenly as if you were out of your mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if I refused. You are not worthy of such happiness.
Marya I won’t do it again, mamma, really I won’t.

Scene XV

The same and the Governor in precipitate haste.

Governor Your Excellency, don’t ruin me, don’t ruin me.
Khlestakov What’s the matter?
Governor The merchants have complained to your Excellency. I assure you on my honor that not one half of what they said is so. They themselves are cheats. They give short measure and short weight. The officer’s widow lied to you when she said I flogged her. She lied, upon my word, she lied. She flogged herself.
Khlestakov The devil take the officer’s widow. What do I care about the officer’s widow.
Governor Don’t believe them, don’t believe them. They are rank liars; a mere child wouldn’t believe them. They are known all over town as liars. And as for cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no swindlers like them in the whole of creation.
Anna Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is bestowing upon us? He is asking for our daughter’s hand.
Governor What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits. Please do not be angry, your Excellency. She has a touch of insanity. Her mother was like that, too.
Khlestakov Yes, I am really asking for your daughter’s hand. I am in love with her.
Governor I cannot believe it, your Excellency.
Anna But when you are told!
Khlestakov I am not joking. I could go crazy, I am so in love.
Governor I daren’t believe it. I am unworthy of such an honor.
Khlestakov If you don’t consent to give me your daughter Marya Antonovna’s hand, then I am ready to do the devil knows what.
Governor I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, your Excellency.
Anna My, what a blockhead! Really! When you are told over and over again!
Governor I can’t believe it.
Khlestakov Give her to me, give her to me! I am a desperate man and I may do anything. If I shoot myself, you will have a lawsuit on your hands.
Governor Oh, my God! I am not guilty either in thought or in action. Please do not be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really, my head is in such a state I don’t know what is happening. I have turned into a worse fool than I’ve ever been in my life.
Anna Well, give your blessing.
Khlestakov goes up to Marya Antonovna.
Governor May God bless you, but I am not guilty. Khlestakov kisses Marya. The Governor looks at them. What the devil! It’s really so. Rubs his eyes. They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing. Actually to be our son-in-law! Cries out, jumping with glee. Ho, Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that’s the turn events have taken!

Scene XVI

The same and Osip.

Osip The horses are ready.
Khlestakov Oh! All right. I’ll come presently.
Governor What’s that? Are you leaving?
Khlestakov Yes, I’m going.
Governor Then when⁠—that is⁠—I thought you were pleased to hint at a wedding.
Khlestakov Oh⁠—for one minute only⁠—for one day⁠—to my uncle, a rich old man. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Governor We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope for your safe return.
Khlestakov Of course, of course, I’ll come back at once. Goodbye, my dear⁠—no, I simply can’t express my feelings. Goodbye, my heart. Kisses Marya’s hand.
Governor Don’t you need something for the road? It seems to me you were pleased to be short of cash.
Khlestakov Oh, no, what for? After a little thought. However, if you like.
Governor How much will you have?
Khlestakov You gave me two hundred then, that is, not two hundred, but four hundred⁠—I don’t want to take advantage of your mistake⁠—you might let me have the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred.
Governor Very well. Takes the money out of his pocketbook. The notes happen to be brand new, too, as though on purpose.
Khlestakov Oh, yes. Takes the bills and looks at them. That’s good. They say new money means good luck.
Governor Quite right.
Khlestakov Goodbye, Anton Antonovich. I am very much obliged to you for your hospitality. I admit with all my heart that I have never got such a good reception anywhere. Goodbye, Anna Andreyevna. Goodbye, my sweetheart, Marya Antonovna.
All go out.
Behind the Scenes.
Khlestakov Goodbye, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.
Governor What’s that? You are going in a plain mail-coach?
Khlestakov Yes, I’m used to it. I get a headache from a carriage with springs.
Postilion Ho!
Governor Take a rug for the seat at least. If you say so, I’ll tell them to bring a rug.
Khlestakov No, what for? It’s not necessary. However, let them bring a rug if you please.
Governor Ho, Avdotya. Go to the storeroom and bring the very best rug from there, the Persian rug with the blue ground. Quick!
Postilion Ho!
Governor When do you say we are to expect you back?
Khlestakov Tomorrow, or the day after.
Osip Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. Now put some hay on this side.
Postilion Ho!
Osip Here, on this side. More. All right. That will be fine. Beats the rug down with his hand. Now take the seat, your Excellency.
Khlestakov Goodbye, Anton Antonovich.
Governor Goodbye, your Excellency.
Anna
Marya		 Goodbye, Ivan Aleksandrovich.
Khlestakov Goodbye, mother.
Postilion Get up, my boys!
The bell rings and the curtain drops.

Act V

Scene: Same as in Act IV.

Scene I

Governor, Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna.

Governor Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you ever imagine such a thing? Such a rich prize? I’ll be⁠—. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred to you even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple governor’s wife suddenly⁠—whew!⁠—I’ll be hanged!⁠—to marry into the family of such a big gun.
Anna Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems wonderful to you because you are so plain. You never saw decent people.
Governor I’m a decent person myself, mother. But, really, think, Anna Andreyevna, what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna Andreyevna? High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I’ll give those fellows who were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations a peppering. Ho, who’s there? Enter a Sergeant. Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call those merchants here, brother, won’t you? I’ll give it to them, the scoundrels! To make such complaints against me! The damned pack of Jews! Wait, my dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. Now I’ll dose you down to your beards. Make a list of all who came to protest against me, especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the petitions up for them, and announce to all that they should know what honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, namely this: that he is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the like of whom has never yet been in the world, who can do everything, everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all so that everybody should know. Shout it aloud to the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil take it! It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph. The Sergeant goes out. So that’s the way, Anna Andreyevna, eh? What shall we do now? Where shall we live? Here or in St. Pete?
Anna In St. Petersburg, of course. How could we remain here?
Governor Well, if St. Pete, then St. Pete. But it would be good here, too. I suppose the governorship could then go to the devil, eh, Anna Andreyevna?
Anna Of course. What’s a governorship?
Governor Don’t you think, Anna Andreyevna, I can rise to a high rank now, he being hand in glove with all the ministers, and visiting the court? In time I can be promoted to a generalship. What do you think, Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?
Anna I should say so. Of course you can.
Governor Ah, the devil take it, it’s nice to be a general. They hang a ribbon across your shoulders. What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or the blue St. Andrew?
Anna The blue St. Andrew, of course.
Governor What! My, you’re aiming high. The red one is good, too. Why does one want to be a general? Because when you go travelling, there are always couriers and aides on ahead with “Horses”! And at the stations they refuse to give the horses to others. They all wait, all those councilors, captains, governors, and you don’t take the slightest notice of them. You dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the town-governor⁠—I’ll keep him waiting at the door. Ha, ha, ha! He bursts into a roar of laughter, shaking all over. That’s what’s so alluring, confound it!
Anna You always like such coarse things. You must remember that our life will have to be completely changed, that your acquaintances will not be a dog-lover of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or a Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will be people of the most refined type, counts, and society aristocrats. Only really I am afraid of you. You sometimes use words that one never hears in good society.
Governor What of it? A word doesn’t hurt.
Anna It’s all right when you are a town-governor, but there the life is entirely different.
Governor Yes, they say there are two kinds of fish there, the sea-eel and the smelt, and before you start to eat them, the saliva flows in your mouth.
Anna That’s all he thinks about⁠—fish. I shall insist upon our house being the first in the capital and my room having so much amber in it that when you come in you have to shut your eyes. She shuts her eyes and sniffs. Oh, how good!

Scene II

The same and the Merchants.

Governor Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows?
Merchants Bowing. We wish you health, father.
Governor Well, my dearly beloved friends, how are you? How are your goods selling? So you complained against me, did you, you tea tanks, you scurvy hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates, you. Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you thought you’d land me in prison? May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that⁠—
Anna Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!
Governor Irritated. Oh, it isn’t a matter of words now. Do you know that the very official to whom you complained is going to marry my daughter? Well, what do you say to that? Now I’ll make you smart. You cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, and you do the government out of a hundred thousand, supplying it with rotten cloth; and when you give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward besides. If they knew, they would send you to⁠—And you strut about sticking out your paunches with a great air of importance: “I’m a merchant, don’t touch me.” “We,” you say, “are as good as the nobility.” Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful. And you⁠—start out in life learning trickery. Your master beats you for not being able to cheat. When you are still little boys and don’t know the Lord’s Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels! Because you guzzle sixteen samovars full a day, that’s why you put on an air of importance. I spit on your heads and on your importance.
Merchants Bowing. We are guilty, Anton Antonovich.
Governor Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there wasn’t even a hundred rubles’ worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to Siberia. What do you say to that?
A Merchant I’m guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever satisfaction you want, only don’t be angry.
Governor Don’t be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you would trample me in the very dirt⁠—you scoundrels! And you would crush me under a beam besides.
Merchants Prostrating themselves. Don’t ruin us, Anton Antonovich.
Governor Don’t ruin us! Now you say, don’t ruin us! And what did you say before? I could give you⁠—Shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands. Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don’t harbor malice for long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be⁠—you understand? Don’t try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Well, leave now, in God’s name.
Merchants leave.

Scene III

The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky.

Ammos In the doorway. Are we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich? A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn’t it?
Artemy I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it. Kisses Anna’s hand. Anna Andreyevna! Kissing Marya’s hand. Marya Antonovna!
Rastakovsky enters.
Rastakovsky I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous progeny⁠—grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. Anna Andreyevna! Kissing her hand. Marya Antonovna! Kissing her hand.

Scene IV

The same, Korobkin and his wife, Liuliukov.

Korobkin I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna kissing her hand and you Marya Antonovna kissing her hand.
Korobkin’s Wife I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.
Liuliukov I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front. Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you. Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.

Scene V

A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna’s hand saying: “Anna Andreyevna,” then Marya’s hand, saying “Marya Antonovna.”

Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other.

Bobchinsky I have the honor to congratulate you.
Dobchinsky Anton Antonovich, I have the honor to congratulate you.
Bobchinsky On the happy event.
Dobchinsky Anna Andreyevna!
Bobchinsky Anna Andreyevna!
They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.
Dobchinsky Marya Antonovna! Kisses her hand. I have the honor to congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your time most entertainingly.
Bobchinsky Breaking in. God give you all sorts of riches and of money and a wee tiny little son, like this. Shows the size with his hands. So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be crying all the time, “Wow, wow, wow.”

Scene VI

More Guests enter and kiss the ladies’ hands, among them Luka Lukich and his wife.

Luka Lukich I have the honor.
Luka’s Wife Running ahead. Congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. They kiss. Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, “Anna Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter.” “Oh, my God,” I think to myself. It made me so glad that I said to my husband, “Listen, Lukanchik, that’s a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna.” “Well,” think I to myself, “thank God!” And I say to him, “I’m so delighted that I’m consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself.” “Oh, my God,” think I to myself, “it’s just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen.” Really, it made me so glad that I couldn’t say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed, so that Luka Lukich said to me, “What are you crying so for, Nastenka?” “Lukanchik,” I said, “I don’t know myself. The tears just keep flowing like a stream.”
Governor Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, Mishka, bring some more chairs in.
The Guests seat themselves.

Scene VII

The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants.

Captain I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish you long years of prosperity.
Governor Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.
The Guests seat themselves.
Ammos But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about, and how did it all⁠—ahem!⁠—go?
Governor It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make the proposal in his own person.
Anna In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke beautifully. He said: “Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect for your worth.” And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so genteel! “Believe me, Anna Andreyevna,” he says, “life is not worth a penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities.”
Marya Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.
Anna Shut up! You don’t know anything. And don’t meddle in other people’s affairs. “Anna Andreyevna,” he says, “I am enraptured.” That was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to say, “We cannot possibly hope for such an honor,” he suddenly went down on his knees, and so aristocratically! “Anna Andreyevna,” he says, “don’t make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my feelings, or else I’ll put an end to my life.”
Marya Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.
Anna Yes, of course⁠—to you, too. I don’t deny it.
Governor He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through his brains. “I’ll shoot myself, I’ll shoot myself,” he said.
Many Guests Well, for the Lord’s sake!
Ammos How remarkable!
Luka It must have been fate that so ordained.
Artemy Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the Governor’s services that brought him this piece of fortune. Aside. Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.
Ammos If you like, Anton Antonovich, I’ll sell you the dog we were bargaining about.
Governor I don’t care about dogs now.
Ammos Well, if you don’t want it, then we’ll agree on some other dog.
Korobkin’s Wife Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how happy I am over your good fortune. You can’t imagine how happy I am.
Korobkin But where, may I ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard he had gone away for some reason or other.
Governor Yes, he’s gone off for a day on a highly important matter.
Anna To his uncle⁠—to ask his blessing.
Governor To ask his blessing. But tomorrow⁠—He sneezes, and all burst into one exclamation of well-wishes. Thank you very much. But tomorrow he’ll be back. He sneezes, and is congratulated again. Above the other voices are heard those of the following.
Captain I wish you health, your Honor.
Bobchinsky A hundred years and a sack of ducats.
Dobchinsky May God increase it to a thousand.
Artemy May you go to hell!
Korobkin’s Wife The devil take you!
Governor I’m very much obliged to you. I wish you the same.
Anna We intend to live in St. Petersburg now. I must say, the atmosphere here is too village-like. I must say, it’s extremely unpleasant. My husband, too⁠—he’ll be made a general there.
Governor Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I should very much like to be a general.
Luka May God grant that you get a generalship.
Rastakovsky From man it is impossible, but from God everything is possible.
Ammos High merits, high honors.
Artemy Reward according to service.
Ammos Aside. The things he’ll do when he becomes a general. A generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow. It’s a far cry to his generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven’t been made generals yet.
Artemy Aside. The devil take it⁠—he’s aiming for a generalship. Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He’s got the air of importance, the devil take him! Addressing the Governor. Don’t forget us then, Anton Antonovich.
Ammos And if anything happens⁠—for instance, some difficulty in our affairs⁠—don’t refuse us your protection.
Korobkin Next year I am going to take my son to the capital to put him in government service. So do me the kindness to give me your protection. Be a father to the orphan.
Governor I am ready for my part⁠—ready to exert my efforts on your behalf.
Anna Antosha, you are always ready with your promises. In the first place, you won’t have time to think of such things. And how can you⁠—how is it possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises?
Governor Why not, my dear? It’s possible occasionally.
Anna Of course it’s possible. But you can’t give protection to every small potato.
Korobkin’s Wife Do you hear the way she speaks of us?
Guest She’s always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and she’ll put her feet on it.

Scene VIII

The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in his hand.

Postmaster A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official whom we took to be an inspector general is not an inspector general.
All How so? Not an inspector general?
Postmaster No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.
Governor What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What letter?
Postmaster His own letter. They bring a letter to the post office, I glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb. “Well,” I think to myself, “I suppose he found something wrong in the post office department and is informing the government.” So I unsealed it.
Governor How could you?
Postmaster I don’t know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. “I can’t, I can’t,” I hear a voice telling me. “I can’t.” But it pulled me and pulled me. In one ear I heard, “Don’t open the letter. You will die like a chicken,” and in the other it was just as if the devil were whispering, “Open it, open it.” And when I cracked the sealing wax, I felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around me.
Governor But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a personage?
Postmaster But that’s just the point⁠—he’s neither powerful nor a personage.
Governor Then what is he in your opinion?
Postmaster He’s neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he is.
Governor Furiously. How neither one thing nor another? How do you dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides? I’ll put you under arrest.
Postmaster Who⁠—you?
Governor Yes, I.
Postmaster You haven’t the power.
Governor Do you know that he’s going to marry my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile to Siberia?
Postmaster Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away. I’d rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter.
All Do read it.
Postmaster Reads. “I hasten to inform you, my dear friend, what wonderful things have happened to me. On the way here an infantry captain did me out of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here wanted to send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and dress, the whole town took me for a governor-general. Now I am staying at the governor’s home. I am having a grand time and I am flirting desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven’t decided whom to begin with. I think with the mother first, because she seems ready to accept all terms. You remember how hard up we were taking our meals wherever we could without paying for them, and how once the pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the king of England? Now it is quite different. They lend me all the money I want. They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Put them in your literature. In the first place the Governor is as stupid as an old horse⁠—”
Governor Impossible! That can’t be in the letter.
Postmaster Showing the letter. Read for yourself.
Governor Reads. “As an old horse.” Impossible! You put it in yourself.
Postmaster How could I?
Artemy Go on reading.
Luka Go on reading.
Postmaster Continuing to read. “The Governor is as stupid as an old horse⁠—”
Governor Oh, the devil! He’s got to read it again. As if it weren’t there anyway.
Postmaster Continuing to read. H’m, h’m⁠—“an old horse. The Postmaster is a good man, too.” Stops reading. Well, here he’s saying something improper about me, too.
Governor Go on⁠—read the rest.
Postmaster What for?
Governor The deuce take it! Once we have begun to read it, we must read it all.
Artemy If you will allow me, I will read it. Puts on his eyeglasses and reads. “The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our office, and the scoundrel must drink just as hard.”
Postmaster To the audience. A bad boy! He ought to be given a licking. That’s all.
Artemy Continues to read. “The Superintendent of Char‑i‑i⁠—” Stammers.
Korobkin Why did you stop?
Artemy The handwriting isn’t clear. Besides, it’s evident that he’s a blackguard.
Korobkin Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is better.
Artemy Refusing to give up the letter. No. This part can be omitted. After that it’s legible.
Korobkin Let me have it please. I’ll see for myself.
Artemy I can read it myself. I tell you that after this part it’s all legible.
Postmaster No, read it all. Everything so far could be read.
All Give him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, give it to him. To Korobkin. You read it.
Artemy Very well. Gives up the letter. Here it is. Covers a part of it with his finger. Read from here on. All press him.
Postmaster Read it all, nonsense, read it all.
Korobkin Reading. “The Superintendent of Charities, Zemlianika, is a regular pig in a cap.”
Artemy To the audience. Not a bit witty. A pig in a cap! Have you ever seen a pig wear a cap?
Korobkin Continues reading. “The School Inspector reeks of onions.”
Luka To the audience. Upon my word, I never put an onion to my mouth.
Ammos Aside. Thank God, there’s nothing about me in it.
Korobkin Continues reading. “The Judge⁠—”
Ammos There! Aloud. Ladies and gentlemen, I think the letter is far too long. To the devil with it! Why should we go on reading such trash?
Luka No.
Postmaster No, go on.
Artemy Go on reading.
Korobkin “The Judge, Liapkin-Tiapkin, is extremely mauvais ton.” He stops. That must be a French word.
Ammos The devil knows what it means. It wouldn’t be so bad if all it means is “cheat.” But it may mean something worse.
Korobkin Continues reading. “However, the people are hospitable and kindhearted. Farewell, my dear Triapichkin. I want to follow your example and take up literature. It’s tiresome to live this way, old boy. One wants food for the mind, after all. I see I must engage in something lofty. Address me: Village of Podkatilovka in the Government of Saratov.” Turns the letter and reads the address. “Mr. Ivan Vasilyevich Triapichkin, St. Petersburg, Pochtamtskaya Street, House Number 97, Courtyard, third floor, right.”
A Lady What an unexpected rebuke!
Governor He has cut my throat and cut it for good. I’m done for, completely done for. I see nothing. All I see are pigs’ snouts instead of faces, and nothing more. Catch him, catch him! Waves his hand.
Postmaster Catch him! How? As if on purpose, I told the overseer to give him the best coach and three. The devil prompted me to give the order.
Korobkin’s Wife Here’s a pretty mess.
Ammos Confound it, he borrowed three hundred rubles from me.
Artemy He borrowed three hundred from me, too.
Postmaster Sighing. And from me, too.
Bobchinsky And sixty-five from me and Piotr Ivanovich.
Ammos Throwing up his hands in perplexity. How’s that, gentlemen? Really, how could we have been so off our guard?
Governor Beating his forehead. How could I, how could I, old fool? I’ve grown childish, stupid mule. I have been in the service thirty years. Not one merchant, not one contractor has been able to impose on me. I have overreached one swindler after another. I have caught crooks and sharpers that were ready to rob the whole world. I have fooled three governor-generals. As for governor-generals, with a wave of his hand it is not even worth talking about them.
Anna But how is it possible, Antosha? He’s engaged to Mashenka.
Governor In a rage. Engaged! Rats! Fiddlesticks! So much for your engagement! Thrusts her engagement at me now! In a frenzy. Here, look at me! Look at me, the whole world, the whole of Christendom. See what a fool the governor was made of. Out upon him, the fool, the old scoundrel! Shakes his fist at himself. Oh, you fat-nose! To take an icicle, a rag for a personage of rank! Now his coach bells are jingling all along the road. He is publishing the story to the whole world. Not only will you be made a laughingstock of, but some scribbler, some ink-splasher will put you into a comedy. There’s the horrid sting. He won’t spare either rank or station. And everybody will grin and clap his hands. What are you laughing at? You are laughing at yourself, oh you! Stamps his feet. I would give it to all those ink-splashers! You scribblers, damned liberals, devil’s brood! I would tie you all up in a bundle, I would grind you into meal, and give it to the devil. Shakes his fist and stamps his heel on the floor. After a brief silence. I can’t come to myself. It’s really true, whom the gods want to punish they first make mad. In what did that nincompoop resemble an inspector general? In nothing, not even half the little finger of an inspector general. And all of a sudden everybody is going about saying, “Inspector general, inspector general.” Who was the first to say it? Tell me.
Artemy Throwing up his hands. I couldn’t tell how it happened if I had to die for it. It is just as if a mist had clouded our brains. The devil has confounded us.
Ammos Who was the first to say it? These two here, this noble pair. Pointing to Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky.
Bobchinsky So help me God, not I. I didn’t even think of it.
Dobchinsky I didn’t say a thing, not a thing.
Artemy Of course you did.
Luka Certainly. You came running here from the inn like madmen. “He’s come, he’s come. He doesn’t pay.” Found a rare bird!
Governor Of course it was you. Town gossips, damned liars!
Artemy The devil take you with your inspector general and your tattle.
Governor You run about the city, bother everybody, confounded chatterboxes. You spread gossip, you short-tailed magpies, you!
Ammos Damned bunglers!
Luka Simpletons.
Artemy Potbellied mushrooms!
All crowd around them.
Bobchinsky Upon my word, it wasn’t I. It was Piotr Ivanovich.
Dobchinsky No, Piotr Ivanovich, you were the first.
Bobchinsky No, no. You were the first.

Last Scene

The same and a Gendarme.

Gendarme An official from St. Petersburg sent by imperial order has arrived, and wants to see you all at once. He is stopping at the inn.
All are struck as by a thunderbolt. A cry of amazement bursts from the ladies simultaneously. The whole group suddenly shifts positions and remains standing as if petrified.

Silent Scene

The Governor stands in the center rigid as a post, with outstretched hands and head thrown backward. On his right are his wife and daughter straining toward him. Back of them the Postmaster, turned toward the audience, metamorphosed into a question mark. Next to him, at the edge of the group, three lady guests leaning on each other, with a most satirical expression on their faces directed straight at the Governor’s family. To the left of the Governor is Zemlianika, his head to one side as if listening. Behind him is the Judge with outspread hands almost crouching on the ground and pursing his lips as if to whistle or say: “A nice pickle we’re in!” Next to him is Korobkin, turned toward the audience, with eyes screwed up and making a venomous gesture at the Governor. Next to him, at the edge of the group, are Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky, gesticulating at each other, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. The other guests remain standing stiff. The whole group retain the same position of rigidity for almost a minute and a half. The curtain falls.

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The Inspector General
was published in by
Nikolai Gogol.
It was translated from Russian in by
Thomas Seltzer.

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