VIII

The journey of the Duke and his party to London had nothing in it to distinguish it from hundreds of other journeys, and they did not meet with a single adventure worthy of being recorded; and they arrived in perfect safety at the palace of the Duke, which was situated in the Strand, (that being, as we have before stated, in those days the most fashionable part of London,) and had beautiful gardens shelving down to the Thames.

The Duke had brought all his establishment to town; and it would be difficult to conceive anyone in a greater bustle than the worthy Mrs. Russel for several days after their arrival. The tender Abelard could not find her at liberty for a single moment, to listen to his poetical effusions. One day, however, having been, as he conceived, particularly happy, he determined to make himself heard. He accordingly waited upon the fair Eloisa, whom he found busily employed in giving directions to the servants.

“Mrs. Russel!” sighed he, in love’s softest cadence; but Mrs. Russel heard him not; she was talking to the cook. “You must quite alter your style, Angelina,” said she, “remember, nothing can be too plain for great people. Fricasees and ragouts are only devoured by the canaille.”

“I am instructed of that, Ma’am,” replied Angelina, a great, fat, bonny-looking cook⁠—“but I flatter myself I know how to concoct dishes⁠—”

“That is the very thing you must avoid,” interrupted Mrs. Russel, anything did for the country, but here the case is different: the Duke’s rank requires a certain degree of style, and it is the fashion now for great people to have only one dish, and that as plainly cooked as possible. I have been told by a friend of mine, who got a peep at the great dinner the Queen gave the other day to the foreign ambassadors, that there was nothing in the world upon the table, but a huge round of boiled beef, and a great dish of smoking potatoes, with their jackets on.”

“Well, Ma’am,” returned Angelina, “I will rally both my physical and mental energies to afford you all the satisfaction in my power; notwithstanding which, I am free to confess, that, in my opinion, the gastronomic science is now cruelly neglected, and that I do not think the digestive powers of the stomach can be properly excited from their dormant state by such unstimulating food as that you mention. Besides, the muscular force of the stomach must be strained to decompose such solid viands, and I should think the diaphragm seriously injured⁠—”

“You, Alphonso,” continued Mrs. Russel, addressing the footman, and cruelly interrupting the learned harangue of the cook, “must take more care in cleaning the pictures. There is a fine large painting of one of the old English artists, over the door, in the best drawing-room, the colours of which are quite faded; I am afraid you have used something improper to clean it.”

“Indeed, Madam,” returned Alphonso, “I think the fault is in the picture itself. It did not dry well originally; I don’t think the oil that was used in its composition had the carbon and hydrogen mingled in proper proportions. You know, Madam, that oil in general has an amazing affinity for oxygen, and absorbs it rapidly; now, though the oil of this picture has been exposed for years to the action of the common atmospheric air, yet it has never thickened properly into a concrete state.”

“Mrs. Russel!” cried Abelard, venturing to sigh a little louder.

“Oh, Mr. Abelard!” exclaimed the fair Eloisa, with a pretty affectation of confusion, “how you startled me! I declare you made me raise the adnatae of my visual organs, like one of the Anas genus when the clouds are charged with electric fluid, whilst my heart leaped from its transverse position on my diaphragm, and seemed to stick like a great bone right across my oesophagus.”

“How wretched I am to have occasioned fears in that lovely bosom. Hem, hem! might I hope to be indulged with a short interview.”

“In a moment, dear Mr. Abelard! I will attend to you; I will but just finish my directions. The Duke, you know, gives a grand dinner today, and my heart palpitates in my bosom with fear lest I should commit some error. These town-bred people are so particular.”

“You need not fear any scrutiny.”

“La, Mr. Abelard! Eustace!” addressing the butler, “mind you must take care not to bring any variety of wines to the table: nothing is drunk now but port and sherry, and even they are going out of fashion. Have plenty of strong ale, however, and porter, for they are now reckoned the most elegant liquors for the ladies.”

“I shall do my utmost endeavour to obey your injunctions, Madam,” said Eustace, bowing respectfully, “but I cannot imagine that any species of corn, even if it have undergone the vinous fermentation, can produce a liquid so agreeable to the palate, as well as conducive to the sanity of the body, as the juice of the grape.”

“Cannot you spare a single moment to listen to me?” sighed Abelard.

“I have nearly done: I have only to beg that you, Evelina and Cecilia,” addressing the housemaids, “will carefully superintend the arrangement of the dormitories: let the air out of the beds and reinflate them⁠—examine the elastic spring mattresses⁠—mend the gossamer curtains⁠—sweep the velvet carpets, and take care the tubes for withdrawing the decomposed air, and admitting fresh, are in proper order;⁠—also, clean out the baths attached to each chamber, and take care there is an abundant supply of water.”

“I am told that ablution in the common aqueous fluid is becoming more fashionable than any medicated baths,” said Evelina, “and that some people of rank actually use a composition of alkali and oil to remove the pulverous particles that may have lodged upon their epidermis in the course of the day.”

“I fear from the commands you have issued, Madam,” rejoined Cecilia, “that you were oblivious of the alteration that has been effected in the superior dormitory. The air there is no longer changed by means of tubes⁠—but there is a fan-feather ventilator fixed in the ceiling, which by its gentle undulations occasions a free circulation of the aeriform fluid. I do not think, however, that it is quite adequate to supply the place of the tubes, as upon entering the room this morning, I perceived a strong sensation of azote, and found that the proportion of nitrogen more than trebled that of oxygen throughout the whole apartment.”

“I am sorry for it, but as it cannot be avoided we must submit. Now, Mr. Abelard, I am ready to attend to you.”

“I have taken the liberty of⁠—of⁠—wishing,” said the butler, in his turn affecting confusion, “to show you a little poetry. These are some verses of my own, in the acromonogrammatic style, only every line begins with the same word with which the last ended, instead of the same letter. Will you permit me to read them to you?”

Mrs. Russel graciously simpered assent, and Abelard, unfolding the paper, and read as follows:⁠—

On Love.

Of all the powers in Heaven above,
Above all others, triumphs Love;
Love rules the soul⁠—the heart invades,
Invades the cities and the shades.
Shades form no shelter from its power,
Power trembles in his courtly bower.
Bower of beauty⁠—art thou free?
Free thou art not⁠—nor canst thou be!
Be every other class released,
Released from love, thy woe’s increased;
Increased by all the weight of care,
Care flowing from complete despair.

“Charming!” exclaimed Mrs. Russel, only I own I don’t understand why despair comes in the last line.”

“Despair⁠—despair: oh! to rhyme with care, my Eloisa. I hope I shall have no other reason to talk of despair.”

“Oh dear, Mr. Abelard, do not endeavour to take undue advantage of my tenderness.”

“Forbid, Heaven!” exclaimed he, taking her hand, when their love-scene was cruelly interrupted by the unexpected sight of Edric, who happened at this moment to pass in Lord Gustavus de Montfort’s balloon. The recognition was mutual, and Edric was so exceedingly agitated by this encounter, which convinced him that his father was in town, that he determined to delay his journey no longer, as his dread of meeting him was excessive. He therefore resolved to seek his tutor, and, if he found him inclined to procrastinate, to set off without him. On reaching the doctor’s chamber, however, he found half his uneasiness converted into laughter at the ludicrous situation of the poor philosopher, who, surrounded as he was on every side by a crowd of tradesmen clamorous for orders, looked something like Mercury encircled by a tribe of discontented ghosts upon the banks of the Styx.

“Yes, yes, Mr. Jones,” said he; “I see you understand me. The coats are to be those woven in machines, where the wool is stripped off the sheep’s back by one end, and the coat comes out completely made, in the newest fashion, at the other.”

“Very well, Sir,” said Mr. Jones, wagging his ears in token of assent; for in those days of universal education, even the muscles of the head were trained to perform functions which in former days it was only supposed possible they might attain: “You are quite right, Sir⁠—no person of fashion ever wears anything else now.”

“Oh, Edric!” cried the doctor, “I shall be ready to attend to you directly:⁠—and so, Mrs. Celestina, you must make the soup, if you please, waterproof; and you, Mr. Crispin, must have the boots ready to dissolve, at a moment’s notice. Oh, dear! oh, dear, what a perplexity I am in, my head is going just like a steamboat, at the rate of sixty miles an hour?”

“Upon my word, doctor,” said Edric, looking round in dismay, “if we are to take half the things assembled here, I do not know where we shall find a balloon large enough and strong enough even to raise us from the ground.”

“I will show you one,” replied the doctor, mysteriously; and solemnly drawing forth from his bosom a key, which appeared to have been suspended by a ribbon from his neck, he slowly opened, with great difficulty, a secret drawer in his escritoire, and produced from its inmost recesses a small bottle of Indian rubber. The gravity of the doctor’s manner, and the length of time that he had employed in this operation, had excited Edric’s curiosity, and he burst into a violent and uncontrollable fit of laughter when he saw the result.

“What is the matter, Edric?” asked the doctor, with the utmost solemnity; “what can be the occasion of this unceremonious and ill-timed levity?”

“Parturient mountains, my dear doctor,” replied Edric, still laughing⁠—“you know the rest.”

“Ridicule, Edric,” said the doctor gravely, “is by no means the test of truth. Fools often⁠—nay, generally, laugh at what they cannot understand, and when I shall have explained the motives of my conduct, I trust you will feel ashamed of your present weak and unseasonable mirth. Caoutchouc, Edric, is a substance capable of astonishing dilation and contraction; whilst the peculiar elasticity and tenacity of its fibres give it a strength and solidity, very rare in bodies when in a state of extreme tension. But before I inform you of the novel use to which I intend to apply it; there are several very extraordinary phenomena relating to elastic bodies, which I am happy to have an apposite opportunity of explaining to you.” (Edric yawned.) “You know, elastic substances have the power of wonderfully resisting a force which would annihilate solids, apparently infinitely stronger than themselves, as a featherbed will repulse a cannonball that would penetrate with ease through a thick table. Now the reason for this is evident: the elastic body has the power of summoning all its forces to its assistance, for the effect of a blow may be traced even to its remotest extremity; whereas the solid substance can only oppose its enemy by the mere resistance of the identical part struck.”

“Certainly,” said Edric, striving to suppress a yawn; “nothing can be more clear.”

“Nothing,” resumed the doctor. “I was sure you would admire the force of my reasoning; indeed, I see the excess of your admiration in the involuntary yawns in which you have been indulging. On some occasions, Edric, man shakes off the artificial restraints of society, and breaks forth into the full freedom of honest and unsophisticated nature:⁠—thus it was with you, Edric. In ancient times, the extension of the jaws was held synonymous with the extension of the understanding, and the opening of the mouth and eyes was considered as the greatest possible sign of pleasure that could be given. In the works of an ancient author, whose poetry was doubtless once esteemed very fine, since it is now quite unintelligible, we find the following passage:⁠—

‘And Hodge stood lost in wide-mouth’d speculation.’

Again,

‘His eyes and mouth the hero open’d wide.’

—And divers others, which⁠—”

“We will leave till a more convenient opportunity, if you please,” said Edric, interrupting him. “At present, do favour me with your attention five minutes. We cannot take all these things.”

“Why not?” asked the doctor, gazing at his pupil with surprise; “for my part, I do not think we can dispense with a single article.”

“These cloaks,” said Edric, “and those hampers, for instance, cannot be of the slightest use.”

“I beg your pardon,” returned the doctor: “The cloaks are of asbestos, and will be necessary to protect us from ignition, if we should encounter any electric matter in the clouds; and the hampers are filled with elastic plugs for our ears and noses, and tubes and barrels of common air, for us to breathe when we get beyond the atmosphere of the earth.”

“But what occasion shall we have to go beyond it?”

“How can we do otherwise? Surely you don’t mean to travel the whole distance in the balloon? I thought, of course, you would adopt the present fashionable mode of travelling, and after mounting the seventeen miles or thereabouts, which is necessary to get clear of the mundane attraction, to wait there till the turning of the globe should bring Egypt directly under our feet.”

“But it is not in the same latitude.”

“True; I did not think of that! Well, then,” sighing deeply, “I suppose we must do without the hamper?”

“Certainly; and without those boxes and bottles too, I hope.”

“Oh no! we can’t do without those. Those bottles contain my magic elixir, that cures all diseases merely by the smell:⁠—a new idea that. You know it has been long discovered, that the whole materia medica might be carried in a ring, and that all the instruments of surgery might be compressed into a walking-stick. But the idea of sniffing health in a pinch of snuff is, I flatter myself, exclusively my own.”

“Very likely; but we cannot be encumbered with your panacea in our aerial tour.”

“Then that box contains my portable galvanic battery; that, my apparatus for making and collecting the inflammable air; and that, my machine for producing and concentrating the quicksilver vapour, which is to serve as the propelling power to urge us onwards, in the place of steam; and these bladders are filled with laughing gas, for the sole purpose of keeping up our spirits.”

“The three first will be useful,” said Edric; “but I will positively have no more.”

“Adieu! adieu! then, my precious treasures!” exclaimed the doctor, looking sorrowfully around: “Dear offspring of my cares! children of my mind! and must I leave you to some rude hand, which, heedless of your inestimable worth, may scatter your beauties to the winds? Alas! alas!”

“Breakfast is ready, and my lord is waiting!” interrupted the shrill voice of one of Lord Gustavus’s servants.

“Then we must go!” said the doctor; and the rest of his pathetic lamentation remained forever buried in his own bosom.

Lord Gustavus was already seated, when they entered the room, with two gentlemen, whom he introduced to our travellers as Lord Noodle and Lord Doodle. These noble lords were both counsellors of state as well as their illustrious host, and had attained that high honour in exactly the same way, viz. they had both succeeded their respective fathers. It is not easy to be very diffuse in their description, as they were members of that honourable and numerous fraternity, who never take the trouble of judging for themselves, but contentedly swim with the stream, whichever way it may flow, and have nothing about them to distinguish them in the slightest degree from the crowd. Lord Gustavus was at present their leading star, and they might very appropriately be termed his satellites. Thus, when any new idea was started, they cautiously refrained from giving an opinion till they found what he thought of it:⁠—they would then look wise, shake their heads, and say, “Exactly so!” “Certainly!” “Nobody can doubt it!” or some of those other convenient ripieno phrases, which fill up so agreeably the pauses in the conversation, without requiring any troublesome exertion of the mental powers of either the hearer or the speaker. These gentlemen had now visited Lord Gustavus, for the purpose of accompanying him and Edric to the Queen’s levee, and as soon as they had taken breakfast, the whole party, with the exception of Dr. Entwerfen, proceeded to court.

When arrived there, however, they found the Queen had not yet risen. “Her Majesty is late this morning,” observed Lord Maysworth, a gentleman loaded with orders and decorations, addressing Lord Gustavus:⁠—“I am not surprised,” said his lordship, “for her most gracious Majesty told me the other day, that she has slept badly for some time.”

“Which, of course, caused you great grief?” asked Dr. Hardman, a little, satirical-looking gentleman in a bob-wig.

“Thinking as I think,” said Lord Gustavus gravely, “and as I am sure everyone here must think, or at least ought to think, her Majesty’s want of sleep is a circumstance of very serious importance.”

“Oh! very!” exclaimed Lord Noodle, shaking his head. “Most assuredly!” cried Lord Doodle, shaking his.

“Why?” demanded the doctor; “of what possible consequence can it be to her subjects, whether her Majesty sleeps soundly or has the nightmare?”

“Of the greatest consequence,” replied Lord Gustavus solemnly.

“Nothing can be greater!” echoed his satellites.

“Well!” observed Lord Maysworth, “for my part, I am such a traitor as to think we might exist, even if the Queen did not sleep at all.”

“Or if she slept forever,” rejoined the doctor significantly.

“Oh, fie!” cried Lord Gustavus; “what would become of us, if the great sun of the political hemisphere were to set!”

“We must watch the rising of another, I suppose,” said Lord Maysworth.

“Yes,” continued Dr. Hardman: “and then the energies of the people would be roused. They want awakening from their present slumber⁠—they have slept too long under the paralysing effects of tyranny. The government wants reform; corruption has eaten into its root, and it must be eradicated ere England can be free, or its people happy. Would to Heaven I might live to aid in the glorious struggle; that I might see the people assert their right, and the fiend, Despotism, sink beneath their blows!”

“I have ever admired,” said Lord Maysworth, “the high integrity and fine principles of the worthy doctor, which have not only obtained for him the applause of England, but the admiration of Europe. The courage, wisdom, and purity of his mind cannot be too highly extolled; and all who know him concur in calling him the firm and devoted friend of mankind. I also have been an humble supporter of plans of economy and retrenchment; and it was I who had the honour of suggesting to the council the other day, that an humble petition should be presented to her Majesty, requesting her respectfully to order a diminution of the lights in her saloon, proving incontestably, that there were, at least, six more than were absolutely necessary.”

“Thinking as I think, and as I am sure everyone here must think,” began Lord Gustavus⁠—but, ere he had time to finish his exordium, the folding doors at the back of the audience chamber were thrown open, and the Queen appeared, sitting upon a gorgeous throne, and surrounded by the officers of her household all splendidly attired.

The usual ceremonies then took place:⁠—Claudia smiled graciously on Edric as he kissed her hand, and inquired when he intended to depart. Edric informed her, on the morrow; when, condescending to express regret, and desiring to see him on his return, she wished him an agreeable voyage, and dismissed him.

It is one of the most glorious attributes of greatness, to have the power of giving great pleasure by saying very few words; yet, as during their ride home, Lord Gustavus could talk of nothing but the graciousness of the Queen, upon which he was still expatiating, when the balloon stopped; Edric, though he felt grateful for her kindness, was annoyed by hearing so much said of it, and hastened to leave him as soon as he possibly could with propriety. On his road to his own apartment, he heard a strange and fearful noise, like the voice of someone screaming in an agony of rage and pain, which seemed to proceed from the chamber appropriated to his learned tutor; and he was going thither to ascertain the cause, when the agitated form of the unfortunate philosopher burst upon him.

Sad, indeed, was the condition in which this splendid ornament of the twenty-second century now presented himself before the eyes of his astonished pupil. His face glowed like fire; his hat was off, and water streamed from every part of his body till he looked like the effigy of a water deity in a fountain.

“Here is management!” cried he, as soon as his rage permitted him to speak; “here is treatment for one devoted to the service of mankind! But I will be revenged, and centuries yet to come shall tremble at my wrath.”

In this manner he continued, and being too much occupied in these awful denunciations, to be able to give any information as to what calamity had brought him into this unseemly plight, it will be necessary to go back a little to explain it for him.

When Dr. Entwerfen left the breakfast-room of Lord Gustavus, which he did not do till a considerable time after the rest of the party had quitted it, he was so absorbed in meditation that he did not know exactly which way he was going; and, happening unfortunately to turn to the right when he should have gone to the left, to his infinite surprise he found himself in the kitchen, instead of his own study.

Absent as the doctor was, however, his attention was soon roused by the scene before him. Being, like many of his learned brotherhood, somewhat of a gourmand, his indignation was violently excited by finding the cook comfortably asleep on a sofa on one side of the room; whilst the meat intended for dinner, a meal it was then the fashion to take about noon, was as comfortably resting itself from its toils on the other. The chemical substitute for fire, which ought to have cooked it, having gone out, and the cook’s nap precluding all reasonable expectation of its reillumination, the doctor’s wrath was kindled, though the fire was not, and in a violent rage he seized the gentle Celestina’s shoulder, and shook her till she woke.

“Where am I?” exclaimed she, opening her eyes.

“Anywhere but where you ought to be,” cried the doctor, in a fury. “Look, hussy! look at that fine joint of meat, lying quite cold and sodden in its own steam.”

“Dear me!” returned Celestina, yawning, “I am really quite unfortunate today! An unlucky accident has already occurred to a leg of mutton which was to have formed part of today’s aliments; and now this piece of beef is also destroyed. I am afraid there will be nothing for dinner but some mucilaginous saccharine vegetables, and they, most probably, will be boiled to a viscous consistency.”

“And what excuse can you offer for all this?” exclaimed the doctor, his voice trembling with passion.

“It was unavoidable,” replied Celestina coolly. “Whilst I was copying a cast from the Apollo Belvidere this morning, having unguardedly applied too much caloric to the vessel containing the leg of mutton, the aqueous fluid in which it was immersed, evaporated, and the viand became completely calcined; whilst the other affair⁠—”

“Hush, hush!” interrupted the doctor; “I cannot bear to hear you mention it. Oh, surely Job himself never suffered such a trial of his patience! In fact, his troubles were scarcely worth mentioning, for he was never cursed with learned servants!”

Saying this the doctor retired, lamenting his hard fate in not having been born in those halcyon days when cooks drew nothing but their poultry; whilst the gentle Celestina’s breast panted with indignation at his complaint. An opportunity soon offered for revenge; and seeing the doctor’s steam valet ready to be carried to its master’s chamber, she treacherously applied a double portion of caloric: in consequence of which, the machine burst whilst in the act of brushing the doctor’s coat-collar, and by discharging the whole of the scalding water contained in its cauldron upon him, reduced him to the melancholy state we have already mentioned.

The fear of the ridicule attached to this incident, in a great measure reconciled the doctor to Edric’s project of a speedy departure, and the following morning they bade adieu to Lord Gustavus, and, stepping into their balloon, sailed for Egypt.