XV

Next morning her mother was no better. She made no attempt to get out of bed, and listened with absolute indifference when the morning feet of the next-door man pounded the stairs. Mary awakened her again and again, but each time, after saying “All right, dearie,” she relapsed to a slumber which was more torpor than sleep. Her yellow, old-ivory face was faintly tinged with colour; her thin lips were relaxed, and seemed a trifle fuller, so that Mary thought she looked better in sickness than in health; but the limp arm lying on the patchwork quilt seemed to be more skinny than thin, and the hand was more waxen and claw-like than heretofore.

Mary laid the breakfast on the bed as usual, and again awakened her mother, who, after staring into vacancy for a few moments, forced herself to her elbow, and then, with sudden determination, sat up in the bed and bent her mind inflexibly on her breakfast. She drank two cups of tea greedily, but the bread had no taste in her mouth, and after swallowing a morsel she laid it aside.

“I don’t know what’s up with me at all, at all,” said she.

“Maybe it’s a cold, mother,” replied Mary.

“Do I look bad, now?”

Mary scrutinised her narrowly.

“No,” she answered; “your face is redder than it does be, and your eyes are shiny. I think you look splendid and well. What way do you feel?”

“I don’t feel at all, except that I’m sleepy. Give me the glass in my hand, dearie, till I see what I’m like.”

Mary took the glass from the wall and handed it to her.

“I don’t look bad at all. A bit of colour always suited me. Look at my tongue, though, it’s very, very dirty; it’s a bad tongue altogether. My mother had a tongue like that, Mary, when she died.”

“Have you any pain?” said her daughter.

“No, dearie; there is a buzz in the front of my head as if something was spinning round and round very quickly, and that makes my eyes tired, and there’s a sort of feeling as if my head was twice as heavy as it should be. Hang up the glass again. I’ll try and get a sleep, and maybe I’ll be better when I waken up. Run you out and get a bit of steak, and we’ll stew it down and make beef-tea, and maybe that will do me good. Give me my purse out of the pocket of my skirt.”

Mary found the purse and brought it to the bed. Her mother opened it and brought out a thimble, a bootlace, five buttons, one sixpenny piece and a penny. She gave Mary the sixpence.

“Get half a pound of leg beef,” said she, “and then we’ll have fourpence left for bread and tea: no, take the other penny, too, and get half a pound of pieces at the butcher’s for twopence, and a twopenny tin of condensed milk, that’s fourpence; and a three-ha’penny loaf and one penny for tea, that’s sixpence ha’penny; and get onions with the odd ha’penny, and we’ll put them in the beef-tea. Don’t forget, dearie, to pick lean bits of meat; them fellows do be always trying to stick bits of bone and gristle on a body. Tell him it’s for beef-tea for your mother, and that I’m not well at all, and ask how Mrs. Quinn is; she hasn’t been down in the shop for a long time. I’ll go to sleep now. I’ll have to go to work in the morning whatever happens, because there isn’t any money in the house at all. Come home as quick as you can, dearie.”

Mary dressed herself and went out for the provisions, but she did not buy them at once. As she went down the street she turned suddenly, clasping her hands in a desperate movement, and walked very quickly in the opposite direction. She turned up the side streets to the quays, and along these to the Park gates. Her hands were clasping and unclasping in an agony of impatience, and her eyes roved busily here and there, flying among the few pedestrians like lanterns. She went through the gates and up the broad central path, and here she walked more slowly: but she did not see the flowers behind the railings, or even the sunshine that bathed the world in glory. At the monument she sped a furtive glance down the road she had travelled⁠—there was nobody behind her. She turned into the fields, walking under trees which she did not see, and up hills and down valleys without noticing the incline of either. At times, through the tatter of her mind there blazed a memory of her mother lying sick at home, waiting for her daughter to return with food, and at such memories she gripped her hands together frightfully and banished the thought.⁠—A moment’s reflection and she could have hated her mother.

It was nearly five o’clock before she left the Park. She walked in a fog of depression. For hours she had gone hither and thither in the well-remembered circle, every step becoming more wayward and aimless. The sun had disappeared, and a grey evening bowed down upon the fields; the little wind that whispered along the grass or swung the light branches of the trees had a bleak edge to it. As she left the big gates she was chilled through and through, but the memory of her mother now set her running homewards. For the time she forgot her quest among the trees, and thought only, with shame and fear, of what her mother would say, and of the reproachful, amazed eyes which would be turned on her when she went in. What could she say? She could not imagine anything. How could she justify a neglect which must appear gratuitous, cold-blooded, inexplicable?

When she had brought the food and climbed the resonant stairs she stood outside the door crying softly to herself. She hated to open the door. She could imagine her mother sitting up in the bed dazed and unbelieving, angry and frightened, imagining accidents and terrors, and when she would go in⁠ ⁠… She had an impulse to open the door gently, leave the food just inside, and run down the stairs out into the world anywhere and never come back again. At last in desperation she turned the handle and stepped inside. Her face flamed; the blood burned her eyes physically so that she could not see through them. She did not look at the bed, but went direct to the fireplace, and with a dogged patience began mending the fire. After a few stubborn moments she twisted violently to face whatever might come, ready to break into angry reproaches and impertinences; but her mother was lying very still. She was fast asleep, and a weight, an absolutely real pressure, was lifted from Mary’s heart. Her fingers flew about the preparation of the beef-tea. She forgot the man whom she had gone to meet. Her arms were tired and hungry to close around her mother. She wanted to whisper little childish words to her, to rock her to and fro on her breast, and croon little songs and kiss her and pat her face.