The Rival Pins
“What little beasts women are!”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, they have played me a dirty trick.”
“You?”
“Yes, me.”
“Women have, or a woman has?”
“Two women.”
“Both at the same time?”
“Yes.”
“What was it?”
The two young men were sitting in front of one of the big cafés on the Boulevard drinking liqueurs mixed with water, the kind of drink that looks like a medley of watercolour paints.
They were about the same age—twenty-five to thirty—and had the smartish air of stockjobbers, of men who frequent the Stock Exchange and the drawing room, who go everywhere, who live everywhere and who make love wherever they go. The dark one said:
“I have told you about my intimacy, haven’t I, with the little bourgeoise I met on the beach at Dieppe?”
“Yes. You have.”
“My dear fellow, you know what it is. I had a mistress in Paris whom I love deeply, an old friend, a good friend, to be with her has become a habit that I don’t want to give up.”
“Is it the habit you don’t want to give up?”
“Yes, the habit, and, of course, I don’t want to give her up either. She is married to a nice chap. I like him too, he is a genial fellow, a real friend. In short, my life is centred in their home.”
“Well then?”
“Well! as they could not leave Paris I was a widower at Dieppe.”
“Why did you go to Dieppe?”
“For change of air. You can’t spend all your life on the boulevards.”
“Well?”
“Then I met the little woman I have already mentioned, on the beach.”
“The civil servant’s wife?”
“Yes, she was awfully bored. Her husband only came down on Sundays and he is horrible. I understand her perfectly. So we laughed and danced together.”
“And the rest?”
“Yes, later on. Well, we met and we liked each other. When I told her I liked her she made me say it again so as to be quite sure, and she put no obstacles in my way.
“Did you love her?”
“Yes, a little; she is very nice.”
“And the other one?”
“She was in Paris! Well, for six weeks all went very well and we came back here the best of friends. Do you know how to break with a woman when there is not a single thing against her so far as you are concerned?”
“Yes, certainly.”
“How do you manage it?”
“I give her up.”
“But how do you set about it?”
“I don’t go to see her.”
“But what if she comes to see you?”
“Oh, well … I am not at home.”
“And if she comes back?”
“I say I am ill.”
“And if she looks after you?”
“Then I play her a dirty trick.”
“And if she puts up with it?”
“I write anonymous letters to her husband telling him to look after her the days that I expect her.”
“That’s serious! As for me, I have no power of resistance. I cannot break with women, I collect them. Some I only see once a year, others every ten months, others on quarter-day, others when they want to dine out. Those who have their settled days are no bother, but I often have difficulty in placing new ones.”
“Well, then …”
“Then, old chap, the civil-service lady was all in a blaze, nothing to blame her about, as I have already said! As her husband spent the whole day at the office she had nothing better to do than to come unexpectedly to see me. Twice she just missed my lady of ‘habit.’ ”
“The devil.”
“Yes. So I gave each one her day, to avoid confusion. Mondays and Saturdays to my ‘habit,’ Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday to the new one.”
“Why this favouritism?”
“Well, old chap, she is the younger.”
“That only gave you two rest-days in the week.”
“That was enough.”
“My congratulations!”
“But, just fancy, the most ridiculous and aggravating thing in the world happened. For four months everything worked perfectly: I slept peacefully and was really happy, when suddenly, last Monday, the crash came.
“Smoking a good cigar, I was expecting my ‘habit’ at the usual time, a quarter past one, I was daydreaming, very pleased with myself, when I noticed that it was past the time. I was surprised, as she is always so punctual, but thought there had been some accidental delay. However, half an hour went by, then an hour, an hour and a half, and I was sure something had detained her, a headache perhaps, or an unexpected visitor. This waiting about is very trying … quite useless, very annoying and enervating. At last I resigned myself to the inevitable and, not knowing what to do, went to see her.
“I found her reading a novel.
“ ‘Well,’ I said.
“ ‘I could not come, old fellow, I was prevented,’ she said tranquilly.
“ ‘What prevented you?’
“ ‘Oh … other things.’
“ ‘But … what other things?’
“ ‘A tiresome visitor.’
“I thought she did not want to tell me the real reason and as she was quite calm about it I did not feel any uneasiness. I reckoned on making up for lost time, the next day, with the other one.
“Therefore on Tuesday I was very … very excited, feeling very much in love in expectation of the lady’s visit, and even surprised that she did not come before her regular hour: I looked at the clock all the time, watching the hands impatiently. The quarter passed, then the half-hour, then two o’clock … I could bear it no longer and strode up and down my room, gluing my forehead to the window, and my ear to the door to listen whether she was coming up the stairs.
“Half past two, three o’clock! I put on my hat and rushed to see her. She was reading a novel, my dear fellow!
“ ‘Well,’ I said, anxiously.
“She replied as calmly as usual:
“ ‘I was prevented, and could not come.’
“ ‘What prevented you?’
“ ‘Oh … other things.’
“ ‘But … what other things?’
“ ‘A tiresome visitor.’
“Of course I immediately thought that she knew everything; but she seemed so placid, so peaceful, that I set aside my suspicions in favour of some strange coincidence, I could not believe in such hypocrisy. After an hour of friendly conversation, interrupted at least a dozen times by her little girl’s appearance, I went away very much perplexed. Just imagine, the next day …”
“The same thing happened?”
“Yes … and the day following, too. This lasted for three weeks without any explanation, without anything to enlighten me as to this strange behaviour, of which, however, I suspected the secret.
“They both knew?”
“Of course. But how? Ah! I was worried enough before I found out.”
“How did you find out at last?”
“From their letters. On the same day, in the same words, they gave me my dismissal.”
“Well?”
“Well, this is what happened. You know that women have always a large collection of pins about them. As for hairpins, I know all about them, I distrust them and look out for them, but the other pins are much more treacherous, those confounded little black-headed pins that all look alike to us, fools that we are, but which they can recognise as we can tell a horse from a dog.
“Well, evidently one day my little civil-service lady had left one of these telltale things stuck in the hangings near my looking-glass.
“My ‘habit’ lady had immediately seen the little black head, no bigger than a pea, in the hanging, and without saying a word had taken it out and stuck one of her own pins, black too, but a different shape, in the same spot.
“The next day the ‘civil service’ wished to recover her property, and immediately recognized the exchange that had been made. Then her suspicions were roused and she stuck two in the shape of a cross. My ‘habit’ replied to this telegraphic signal by three black heads, one above the other.
“Once they had begun this game, they went on without saying a word to each other, simply keeping watch. Then, apparently, the ‘habit,’ being more daring, rolled a thin piece of paper round the pin, on which was written: ‘C. D., Post Office, Boulevard Malesherbes.’
“Then they wrote to each other and I was done for. You can understand that it was not all easy going between them. They indulged in all kinds of trickery, were very cautious and as careful as such cases demand. Then my ‘habit’ did a bold thing and made an appointment with the other one. I don’t know what they said to each other! All I know is that I supplied the entertainment! That’s that!”
“Is that all?”
“Yes.”
“You never see them now?”
“I beg your pardon. I see them as friends, we have not broken off altogether.”
“And they, have they met again?”
“Yes, my dear chap, they have become intimate friends.”
“Well, well. And has that not given you an idea?”
“No, what?”
“You boob, the idea to make them stick a double lot of pins in the hanging again.”